I'm grateful for two things that I was reminded of last night. The first one is that I have this 4 week pre op diet to prepare for whats next, because it caused me to stop and think about why I eat in the patterns I do, and to try and change it. For example, I was standing in the kitchen having coffee with my fiance last weekend and told him (it was about noon) that because I know we have cookies in one cupboard, normally I would have had cookies with my coffee, and then perhaps another coffee so I could have more cookies.. Not that I need them, but just because they are there and I know that. I said normally the cheezies in the other cupboard I would have had as a mid day snack simply because they are there and its a treat. In neither of those situations would I have been hungry and eating to satiate myself. I would consider myself a "convenient grazer", I wouldn't go into the kitchen to cook for one person, but if there was crackers and cheese I'd eat it, just 'cause. If there was chips, cookies, crackers, beef jerky etc, I'd eat them because I have an addiction (the realization of that is my second epiphany for the week, continuing on....). He is so very helpful. Even apologizes when we hosted fathers day dinner because I had so few options, and went as far as to offer to steam me some vegetables so I had more to eat. I politely declined, because I am getting better and better at saying no to food.
The minute I was given a surgery date and put on Atkins, I started eating like I had just had surgery. Small plates, small portions,the effort to cook vegetables for myself, staying out of the kitchen, drinking a lot of water. I've tried very hard to stay in the mindset that this is real, there is no turning back, and I will absolutely be successful for the rest of my life. Being forced to go on a diet pre op has opened my eyes to how much time I spent eating, and why, and a realistic understanding of how much I was eating. When its a day of grazing, plus one meal (that I got very bad at eating close to bed time) it no wonder to me how I got to be this big. I got all of my ducks in a row when it came to organizing the procedure, now I just need to make sure I stay on track. In 3 days I go from Atkins to 3 Vitaleph shakes a day (plus leafy green and SF popsicles/SF jello.. blech for aspartame) and my supplements. Its becoming very real and my nervousness is melting away, while my excitement grows stronger. Goodbye self-doubting Raquel, hello confident beautiful dedicated Raquel.