brightfeather

the title looks overblown, but I don't have better words for what I'm currently feeling.
I finally met with my surgeon today. went in excited to have finally reached this point, and eager to set a date. as I've worked my way through the process of getting this far, I've kept my focus on the end goal, but it's been a really rough couple of months:
when I did my initial intake appointment with the only practice that handles this surgery on this end of the state, I was very clear on a few things: I knew I wanted roux en y, I knew I had a limited time frame due to insurance considerations (insurance year resets April 1), and I knew I might have some additional hurdles to jump due to preexisting conditions. I was VERY clear about my current health and conditions, all meds, and my goals for surgery. I was quickly alerted to the fact that my endometriosis, and the nsaids I took for it, might be an issue. intake dr discussed case with surgeons at their monthly meeting, and then told me that I would not be approved for surgery while the endo was still an issue. the only way to get rid of it permanently was to have a hysterectomy. while this was part of my long term plans (I'm only 38, and haven't had kids), I hadnt planned on doing it until i hot 40 or had kids, but I now had to cram a second surgery in before the bypass.
2: the hysterectomy turned into a more difficult affair than I had aimed for. Apparently, I don't have a lot of pain relief from narcotics, but they do a bang up job of shutting my gut down completely. Constipation from hell. 5 days after surgery, I was in the er 3 times in 12 hrs for hemorroids, before being admitted to the hospital for a second surgery to have them removed. this was waaay more painful than the hysterectomy, and I continue to have a lot of pain and discomfort.
3: by the time I'm recovered enough from surgery 2 to think about returning to work, it's become apparent that the hormone crash from surgical menopause is causing me crippling fatigue and depression. I end up off of work for 5 1/2 weeks, only 2 of which are covered by PTO. so now, I'm still in pain in my ass from surgical sites that still haven't closed, I'm an emotional wreck, I'm exhausted, and I'm supposed to be returning to working for a bitch of a boss tomorrow.
4: meanwhile, while recovering from surgeries 1 and 2, I meet with my Dr again, and I'm told that the prednisone I'm taking for my asthma is an issue if I want a bypass (I've been tapering off of it sloooowly, but I could have pushed it up if I'd known sooner that I needed to be off it for an extended period prior to surgery, rather than just "off it"). so I finish tapering off as quickly as possible, which adds to the emotional hot mess I'm already experiencing. but I can deal with this to get to my goal. eyes on the prizero and all that.
5: and then, today, I finally meet with the surgeon and I'm told that bypass isn't an option because of another med that I can't stop taking. a med that I've been on for years, and which was clearly listed on my meds list in the initial appointment months ago. oh, and by the way, since all he'll do is the sleeve, I can take nsaids in the future if needed. after my brain stops glitch ing, I point blank ask him if I needed to have the hysterectomy NOW, and I get a "Dodge the question" answer. which seems to indicate that no, I didnt??????
6: so here I am, at 230 in the morning, after 3 sobbing jags, pissed off and mourning what now looks like an unnecessarily early loss of my fertility, compounded by financial stress (still have lots more unpaid time off work to come after the gastric surgery, while the bills keep coming in), work stress and a boss irritated by my absence, hormonal crashes, bipolar disorder thats ramping back up to the worst it's been in a decade, and exhaustion.
I feel ANGRY. really really angry, and betrayed (logical or not) by a dr/team that should have sorted this shit out BEFORE I had a major, unalterable, fertility ending, highly stressful surgery. and there's not a damn thing I can do about it at this point.