Hoping052017

Am I ready for this?! ......No. ..... Yes. ..... Maybe. ....Wait. What was the question?
 
Am I ready for what? ... This blog that isn't a blog (in my opinion), but a journal of what is going on in this journey called life? Life itself? This weight loss surgery that I am desperately attempting to prepare for?
 
This blog I'm definitely not ready for, but I'm going to do it anyway because maybe by getting over some of my fears, I'll be able to conquer others and hopefully inspire other people to conquer their own inner chicken. Yes, I said inner chicken. It was something that I heard at my youngest son's poetry slam a few months ago and it just stuck with me. Why be afraid of writing a blog? Ummm...because I'm not a very good writer? Because...people can be downright cruel? Because I may be judged for writing what I write? There's a number of things that would make my inner chicken quiver in its boots. (Yes, my inner chicken wears big, heavy, poop kickers! and those poop kickers regularly kick my big behind)
 
Life itself? Who the heck is ready for life itself? Why the heck do you think babies come into this world kicking and screaming? They want back in!!! They are screaming "Put me back in! Put me BACK IN! This place is cold, and loud, and bright, and scary! Put me back where it's quiet, and warm, and comfy, and safe." Some babies grow out of that. Those are the ones that grow into little dare devils. The ones that will give their mothers figurative heart attacks by climbing to the tallest point (quite literally) of the playground where mommy can't reach them and sit down to seemingly ponder the world around them. Yes. This is what my oldest did to me when he was three. He was the one that came a little over a month early (though he tried for 2 months early). Didn't make a sound when he was born. (scared the crap out of me because I thought he was born dead or something) Made up for that fact profusely later (as evidenced in Blockbuster video where he screamed so loud and long that the entire place came running to find out what I was doing to the poor child). And now wants to go into the Navy after he graduates high school in a few months. And now my middle child, my little girl, is wanting to go to a college prep school so she can be a veterinarian at the ripe old age of 12 and the youngest of my 3 big brood is about to start middle school, leaving behind the last remnants of elementary school that I'll have to deal with forever. Am I ready for life itself? NOOOO!!! Put me back in! PUT ME BACK IN!!!!! I'M NOT READY!!!! Yeah, that's going to happen. .... NOT!
 
Am I ready for this weight loss surgery that I'm desperately trying to prepare for? Yes. Unequivocally Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt I am ready for this. I know I'm ready. I think I'm ready. Am I ready? You know...I hope so. It's scary. Not the surgery itself. I'm not scared about that. This surgery will be number 14 in a long line of surgeries. Everything from my first surgery at age 5 to remove rectal polyps to having my tonsils and adenoids out the day before I turned 6 to a complete hysterectomy a little over 3 years ago because of major pain I was having in my gut that turned out to be IBS. So I'm no stranger to having surgery. What I'm scared of is not succeeding yet again.
 
I went on my first actual Dr. supervised diet at the age of 9. I've been yo-yo dieting ever since. Over 30 years of yo-yo dieting. I've tried everything it seems like. I've tried Advocare, Herbalife, Atkins, Cabbage soup, the diabetes diet, Alli, Phenergan, Slim fast, weight watchers...lots of different diets. It was after I stepped on the scale at the Dr. office in July of 2013 and it read 310 pounds that I finally had had enough of this mess. I haven't been below 200 pounds in 18 years. (i was 198 when I got pregnant with my oldest son who will be 18 in a few months). As soon as I left the Dr. I went directly to Best Buy and bought a FitBit and an Aria scale. Best money I had spent in years. I actually got down to 246 pounds in about a years time. But as with all the other times, I gained again. This time topping out at 286. I stayed there for several months. In August 2016, after a physical therapy session, I saw a flyer for a weight loss surgery seminar that the hospital was hosting. It got me thinking about weight loss surgery again for, like, the millionth time in the past 20 years. But I already knew where I wanted to go. The thing was convincing the one person who would talk me out of it just like she had every other time that I thought about it...my mom. I didn't have to worry anymore about my husband forbidding it as he had for years because he had died in 2013. So the issue was how to get mom to realize that this was going to be the best option for me. One of the local hospitals was hosting a seminar soon. I would take her to it. I had already talked to the nice people at Roller Weight Loss and had already watched their online seminar and had made up my mind that was where I wanted to go for my surgery, but mom wouldn't watch the seminar. But she would go to the seminar being hosted a couple towns over. Two weeks later, after we left the seminar, my mom looked at me and said, "You have to have this surgery. I don't want to lose you." And that was that. After I got the money together for the registration fee for Roller (my birthday present from me to me last year) I scheduled my first appointment. Unfortunately, that appointment couldn't be until November 4.
 
November 4 came faster than I imagined it would. That day felt like i was put through the proverbial wringer. Fasting blood work, nutrition appointment, EKG, breathing test, H-Pylori test (that was a first. Had never heard of that one before), chest x-rays, OMG! This was absolutely insane. Though, I was grateful that they were being so thorough with my care. They don't want to take anything to chance. So, now, I'm getting ready for my fourth Diet and Exercise appointment on February 6. Less than a week away. Then I have March and April Appointments to get through and then I will be scheduled to have surgery within a few weeks of that last appointment.
 
Easy breezy rice and cheezy, right? Yeah, not for me. No. See, I haven't lost much weight since that first month. I think I've lost 14 pounds since November 4. And it's entirely my fault! Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking about WHY I haven't stuck with my pre-op diet. Don't I want to lose weight? Don't I want to see my future grand babies? Don't I want to see my daughter graduate veterinary school? Don't I want to see my little squirt graduate high school? YES!!! I want all those things! So what's the big deal? What's my major malfunction preventing me from getting what I want? My head is majorly screwed up. That's my major malfunction. So, I decided to do something about it. I went back to the therapist yesterday. I did it. I finally kicked my inner chicken back. My inner chicken is still there. Yes, it is. But for this, it's backed off. I'll be going every week and a half to get help with my major depression and anxiety disorders. To get help with pain management that has me in tears often because of my upper back pain. To get help conquering my personal demons that prevent me from getting a good night's sleep most nights.
 
Why haven't I gone sooner you might ask. Well, it's a deep subject. I went to several after my husband committed suicide in 2013. I only found one that began to help. Then I was fired from a job I had had for nearly 15 years because i was always sick and hadn't put in a 40 hour work week in almost a year, thus losing me my insurance and the therapist that was beginning to help. Then I tried the only therapy place that Medicaid would cover. That ended up being a total disaster. You know, seeing someone maybe once a month if you're lucky when you don't want to be on the face of the earth anymore doesn't help a whole heck of a lot. So, March 15, 2014 I stopped going to that place. Stopped getting help of any kind. Tried to find a boyfriend. Found a good friend that helped as much as he could. Now, I help him at his shop when I can, but I barely hear from him. It makes me really sad. And I went back to that unhelpful place yesterday because I realized that I can't do this by myself. And I can't lean on my mom for everything because she has her own personal demons to fight and she leans on me to battle those and I'm afraid (scared to death really) that she's developing dementia like my Grams did.
 
The lady I met yesterday I like. And the funniest, most ironic thing possible happened. I found out that she is in the pre-op stages of getting the same surgery I'm getting through the same clinic that I'm going through. My new therapist is going through the same thing I am as far as bariatric surgery goes. Crazy, right?! I'm trying to understand why I do the things I do. Why it is that EVERY SINGLE Blessed time that i am going good on a diet (I've lost a ton of weight, people notice and compliment me, I'm getting into smaller clothes) I just stop. Just. Flat. Stop. It makes no sense to me. Not even a penny of sense. Why do I jeopardize every diet? Why do I always blame it on someone else? It's someone else that's sabotaging me. Not me. I know that to be a cart full of bologna. But it's what I do. And I want to know why. I mean I know I'm scared of not knowing what I'm going to look like afterwards. I know I'm scared of having to change practically every aspect of myself (the way I dress, the way I eat, the way I organize things, the way I plan things) And that, I think would be scary for anyone, let alone someone with anxiety issues and major depression amongst several other things.
 
That is why I'm starting this journal of sorts, this blog. To chronicle these steps I'm going to be taking to a new me. Hopefully, by the end of it all, I will be able to see someone in the mirror that I'm proud of being. Someone that I'm not ashamed of. Someone who is able to stand up and take charge of her life, goals, and new dreams. Someone who can kick her inner chicken and its poop kickers to the curb, pluck it, and have it for dinner!
 
God and Heaven Bless and Protect you always.

Well folks, I'm four days out of surgery. This is my 3rd day home. Things haven't been too bad. The gas was horrendous this go round though. This is the 9th laporoscopic surgery I have had in 19 years. The gas this time felt so much like the first time. It kept going into my left shoulder. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack it hurt so bad. However, with a lot of walking the halls and a lot of morphine, the pain subsided. The morphine didn't help the gas pain a whole lot, but did help the incision pain.  I was actually doing really well up until about 4:30 this morning when one of my fur babies decided to use my tummy as a springboard. Jumped and landed square in the middle of my tummy that little fur ball did and leapt right  back off. I ended up waking two of my kids I was in so much pain and haven't really been able to snap back out of it so far. All I really want to do is sleep. My mom did take me and 2 of my kids to get one of our adopted strays his vaccines and microchipped this morning though. I really have to remember not to take a pain pill and an anti nausea pill and my propranolol together though. I was so loopy you would have sworn I was drunk. Good thing mom was driving!
I also figured out why my clinician head nurse said not to check my weight until my two week checkup on the 4th. When I checked into the hospital I was lower than I've been in in at least a decade. I weighed 259.2. I was literally doing a happy dance! Before I left the hospital the clinic's nurse said they stopped weighing people when they leave the hospital because 99% of the time your weight will be higher during the two weeks post op than it was going in. Boy! was she right! You know when someone tells you you should't do something but the curiosity to find out if they're right totally supersedes common sense? Yeah, that's what happened to me. See, she said not to weigh until the 2 week checkup if I had a scale at home. That the water retention, bloating, gas, and swelling from the surgery would make the weight go up significantly but that I'd lose it back off fairly quickly. So, like a deer in the middle of the road that can't move when she sees an oncoming car, I weighed myself yesterday morning. I was 269.5! I was about heartbroken. Today I weighed again and I was 264.3. So I think I'll be fine. I swear I'm a glutton for punishment. I'm really looking forward to my 2 week checkup, though. I want to see how well I've done on my 2 week liquid diet.  
Things are really weird for me. Commercials that made me drool and want things (like Olive Garden and Pappa John's pizza) I look at and think it looks disgusting. I really hope I don't end up anorexic. Nothing looks or sounds good. My clinic is so awesome though because for two weeks post of I get to have a 4in1 shake. It's Celebrate ENS+Iron 4 in 1 meal replacement with all my vitamins already in it, so I don't have to swallow the vitamins. After the 2 weeks though, I have to start taking the oral vitamins again. Along with biotin and thiamine and omeprazole, and calcium, and , and, and.... I have to set a timer to go off every 15 minutes to remind me to drink. The only reason I feel like drinking is my mouth is so danged dry. And I'm COLD! omg. Nobody warned me about the way the surgery would affect my temperature thingy! During the winter months (it sometimes will drop down into the single digits here) I usually keep the furnace thermostat set between 69 and 72.  Mainly for the kids. The cold never bothered me. Until now! It got to 69 in the house today and I swear I'm freezing to death! So, for the first time since the beginning of spring, I have turned on the furnace. 
Anyway, I'm about ready for  a walk and family game night and another nap. I'll keep you all updated as I progress. Heavens bless and protect you in your journey through this thing we call life!
 

Well folks, I'm four days out of surgery. This is my 3rd day home. Things haven't been too bad. The gas was horrendous this go round though. This is the 9th laporoscopic surgery I have had in 19 years. The gas this time felt so much like the first time. It kept going into my left shoulder. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack it hurt so bad. However, with a lot of walking the halls and a lot of morphine, the pain subsided. The morphine didn't help the gas pain a whole lot, but did help the incision pain.  I was actually doing really well up until about 4:30 this morning when one of my fur babies decided to use my tummy as a springboard. Jumped and landed square in the middle of my tummy that little fur ball did and leapt right  back off. I ended up waking two of my kids I was in so much pain and haven't really been able to snap back out of it so far. All I really want to do is sleep. My mom did take me and 2 of my kids to get one of our adopted strays his vaccines and microchipped this morning though. I really have to remember not to take a pain pill and an anti nausea pill and my propranolol together though. I was so loopy you would have sworn I was drunk. Good thing mom was driving!
I also figured out why my clinician head nurse said not to check my weight until my two week checkup on the 4th. When I checked into the hospital I was lower than I've been in in at least a decade. I weighed 259.2. I was literally doing a happy dance! Before I left the hospital the clinic's nurse said they stopped weighing people when they leave the hospital because 99% of the time your weight will be higher during the two weeks post op than it was going in. Boy! was she right! You know when someone tells you you should't do something but the curiosity to find out if they're right totally supersedes common sense? Yeah, that's what happened to me. See, she said not to weigh until the 2 week checkup if I had a scale at home. That the water retention, bloating, gas, and swelling from the surgery would make the weight go up significantly but that I'd lose it back off fairly quickly. So, like a deer in the middle of the road that can't move when she sees an oncoming car, I weighed myself yesterday morning. I was 269.5! I was about heartbroken. Today I weighed again and I was 264.3. So I think I'll be fine. I swear I'm a glutton for punishment. I'm really looking forward to my 2 week checkup, though. I want to see how well I've done on my 2 week liquid diet.  
Things are really weird for me. Commercials that made me drool and want things (like Olive Garden and Pappa John's pizza) I look at and think it looks disgusting. I really hope I don't end up anorexic. Nothing looks or sounds good. My clinic is so awesome though because for two weeks post of I get to have a 4in1 shake. It's Celebrate ENS+Iron 4 in 1 meal replacement with all my vitamins already in it, so I don't have to swallow the vitamins. After the 2 weeks though, I have to start taking the oral vitamins again. Along with biotin and thiamine and omeprazole, and calcium, and , and, and.... I have to set a timer to go off every 15 minutes to remind me to drink. The only reason I feel like drinking is my mouth is so danged dry. And I'm COLD! omg. Nobody warned me about the way the surgery would affect my temperature thingy! During the winter months (it sometimes will drop down into the single digits here) I usually keep the furnace thermostat set between 69 and 72.  Mainly for the kids. The cold never bothered me. Until now! It got to 69 in the house today and I swear I'm freezing to death! So, for the first time since the beginning of spring, I have turned on the furnace. 
Anyway, I'm about ready for  a walk and family game night and another nap. I'll keep you all updated as I progress. Heavens bless and protect you in your journey through this thing we call life!
 

I can't believe it's the day before surgery! Six months has flown by. As of this morning (according to my scale) I am at 262. Today is clear liquid only and if I thought the past week of two protein shakes and one meal was hard and I was hungry all day...I woke up hungry and can't eat anything for the next two weeks or more depending on when my followup appointment is. Ugh. At least after tomorrow morning it shouldn't be too bad from what I've heard since my tummy will be so much smaller. I hope everyone's right. LOL! I'm just looking forward to more energy. That is the biggest thing because for the last week I have had zero energy. Anyway, short entry for now. Talk to you laters!

I can't believe it's the day before surgery! Six months has flown by. As of this morning (according to my scale) I am at 262. Today is clear liquid only and if I thought the past week of two protein shakes and one meal was hard and I was hungry all day...I woke up hungry and can't eat anything for the next two weeks or more depending on when my followup appointment is. Ugh. At least after tomorrow morning it shouldn't be too bad from what I've heard since my tummy will be so much smaller. I hope everyone's right. LOL! I'm just looking forward to more energy. That is the biggest thing because for the last week I have had zero energy. Anyway, short entry for now. Talk to you laters!

I can't believe it's the day before surgery! Six months has flown by. As of this morning (according to my scale) I am at 262. Today is clear liquid only and if I thought the past week of two protein shakes and one meal was hard and I was hungry all day...I woke up hungry and can't eat anything for the next two weeks or more depending on when my followup appointment is. Ugh. At least after tomorrow morning it shouldn't be too bad from what I've heard since my tummy will be so much smaller. I hope everyone's right. LOL! I'm just looking forward to more energy. That is the biggest thing because for the last week I have had zero energy. Anyway, short entry for now. Talk to you laters!

To say I've been in a dark and depressing mood the past few days is a mild understatement.  Okay, a major understatement! People I thought were friends haven't been there for me when I needed them the most. And perfect strangers reached out, not knowing me at all and sending words of encouragement. To those strangers, I thank you. Your kindness means the world to me. 
Mostly I'm sorry I got as dark as I did. I really am trying to see someone about it, but like my "friends", they said they can't see me right now. Oh wells! I'll see them a week from tomorrow, probably bouncing off the walls happy. 
I'm doing okay now, though. I got back on the wagon today. I have a goal to lose at least another 10 pounds by April 22. I also decided that is going to be my goal date for surgery. I know that this date is highly contingent upon my surgeon, but I am praying that this will be my day to shine. Well, I'm rarely shining right after surgery, but you know what I mean.
See, a little background history about me. I met my husband on February 5, 1995. We went on our very first date on February 14 of the same year and became a couple four days later until April 11, 2013. When I was telling my new therapist about him during my intake I lost count of how many times she said "He had some serious mental problems". I already knew that and it was the reason I filed for divorce because he wouldn't get help for those problems. He committed suicide on April 22, 2013 after he got the divorce papers. Left a message for me on Facebook that read in his status "Til Death Do Us Part". To say that's messed with me over the years is another major understatement. 
Therefore, I think having my surgery on April 22 would be a perfect way to begin again. To put my fat and him behind me once and for all. For me. For my kids. For us. As a kind stranger told me, it's time to let go of the past. And that's exactly what I intend to do.
God Bless and Protect you always.

As S Day quickly approaches, I start thinking about all the things that I'll be able to do again that I can't do now without difficulty. I can't bicycle very far anymore. I can't hike anymore without having to take a break every 10 steps it seems. I can't mountain climb because I can't lift my body up with my own legs because I weigh too much. I can't run without feeling like collapsing 10 feet from the beginning of where I start. I can't fast dance even one song without my lungs feeling like my lungs are going to explode. I can't ride most rollercoasters. I don't fit in the seats. I'll never forget how embarrassed I was when my oldest was about 2 years old and my husband and I went to six flags over Texas with him and I wanted to ride the Superman ride and was turned away because I was too fat to fit in the seat and bring the restraining arms down far enough to buckle it. 
After April and some hard work, I'll be able to ride that rollercoaster. I'll be able to rock climb again. I'll be able to hike through Devil's Den and go spelunking and actually fit through some of the smaller crevices in the cave. I'll be able to probably leave my kids in the dust while hiking to the cave. I'll be able to bicycle, hopefully with relative ease, from Fayetteville to Bentonville. A 30 mile bicycle ride. Along with a size 9, that is my goal. To be able to ride the Square to Square trail next year and be in a size 9 for the first time in my entire life (including childhood). When I was a kid I wore a size 6X for a long time. I don't remember any other size until size 12. So, a size 9 would be totally amazing. 
There are so many activities that I'm looking forward to doing both again and for the first time that my surgery will help me achieve. 
I can't wait!