jessgnc

No no! I mean it hurt to read/hear, but in a hard truth kind of way. I'm so glad you contributed and I really appreciated your bluntness. Sorry that I didn't say that clearly enough!

Hey Bunny,
That hurt to read and hear, but I think I needed those hard truths. You're absolutely right. The situation sucks, but it is what it is and I can't change it. The most I can do is change how I handle it. I really appreciate your reply.

Hey Bunny,
That hurt to read and hear, but I think I needed those hard truths. You're absolutely right. The situation sucks, but it is what it is and I can't change it. The most I can do is change how I handle it. I really appreciate your reply.

Tl;dr: Husband says he supports me. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming otherwise. What should I do?
Let me preface this post with a note. My husband is wonderful. Our relationship is healthy and happy, and while I’d change some things, they are tiny things like biting his nails, nothing substantial. We have been together in some form for 14 years and while he might come off in a negative light in this post, that isn’t who he is.
There was a small hiccup and despite being told I was approved earlier in the week, I was actually REALLY approved yesterday. My husband and I were discussing the news last night.
My husband has been against this surgery since the day I told him. When I initially began looking into it, I sat on telling him for nearly 3 months, making sure it was what I wanted before I told him. He is amazing at arguing a point and I didn’t want to have my mind changed unless his arguments were amazing. Once he realized I was in this 100%, he told me that he didn’t agree with the decision, but he’d support me completely and be there for me.
I…I don’t feel that he has. He hasn’t gone to a single support meeting with me, though I have asked him to. He went to one doctor’s visit, but that was after I browbeat and begged him to come. My first visit had been a disaster. The entire waiting room was filled with patients and +1’s. I was literally the only person that day who was there alone. I actually broke down crying when the nurse took me back. Having him there the second visit made a world of difference for me and my mental health, and I think it helped him understand that while he has issues, this surgery is about as safe as many others and I am a great candidate.
I feel unable to talk to him about the topic. If I broach it, he discusses it as pleasantly as possible, but his body language just screams “I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS.”
After telling him my good approval news, I asked him point blank if this was the right choice, mostly hoping to allay my anxiety. He let out a really drawn out sigh and then told me he still didn’t think it was and that I was making a lifetime commitment for cosmetic reasons. I explained again that while the cosmetic thing was a nice bonus, this was being done so I could live a long and healthy life without major health issues. His reply was “well those years at the end would suck anyway.” He also argued that instead of taking pills for being sick, I’d take pills to remain healthy. I tried to argue the difference between taking Vitamins vs taking insulin or heart medication, but as mentioned above, he’s REALLY good at arguing a point, so I let it go.
To be fair, the blame on asking him a direct question and getting a direct answer is on me. I don’t begrudge him telling me the truth. It just really hurt to hear him say it. This is happening. He knows this is happening. He has voiced his concerns multiple times and I’ve tried to quell them by using science and facts. Would it really hurt for him to give me little white lies when he knows this is an inevitability? I asked him if he’d visit me when I was recovering at the hospital and when he asked how long I’d be there and I told him probably a day and a half, he said “Yeah, I’d have to pick you up and drop you off anyway.” That…that’s kind of crushing to hear. You guess you might drop in on your wife? For someone who claims to support me and my decision 100%, that feels oddly unsupportive. It would be nice to wake up and see him there. My friends have already told me to tell them when I’d be in the hospital so they can visit. Meanwhile, I have to ask my husband to make an appearance?
At the end of the conversation, he said “we’ll figure this out.” Honestly, I almost cried. He said WE, not me. I pointed out how nice it felt to hear him as being on the same team and he ruined the moment by saying “well, I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”
The moment he said “we” instead of singling me out felt amazing, like we were a team and I had my partner and best friend on my side. This is a huge undertaking and it would be amazing to have him there instead of dragging his feet.
I don’t know what to do guys. Am I reading too much into all of this? For as long as I have known him, he has always been very outspoken against elective surgery. I’m healthy (now) and this isn’t medically necessary (yet). I’m just not going to be able to convince him that this is the right decision for me unless I have a serious medical condition related to weight happen. I’m not waiting for my body to break before I make repairs. If he says he supports me, should I take it at face value? Should I stop bothering him with this and keep him out of the loop? The friends I have told have been wonderful, should I just rely on them and not bother him with this?

Hard truths suck!! But you're right. Thank you.

I'm glad I posted. I wasn't expecting this kind of feedback, but it has really helped put things in perspective. I really appreciate everyone chiming in with more or less the same response, but with different ways to share it. This is such a wonderful community.

Hey Bunny,
That hurt to read and hear, but I think I needed those hard truths. You're absolutely right. The situation sucks, but it is what it is and I can't change it. The most I can do is change how I handle it. I really appreciate your reply.

Tl;dr: Husband says he supports me. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming otherwise. What should I do?
Let me preface this post with a note. My husband is wonderful. Our relationship is healthy and happy, and while I’d change some things, they are tiny things like biting his nails, nothing substantial. We have been together in some form for 14 years and while he might come off in a negative light in this post, that isn’t who he is.
There was a small hiccup and despite being told I was approved earlier in the week, I was actually REALLY approved yesterday. My husband and I were discussing the news last night.
My husband has been against this surgery since the day I told him. When I initially began looking into it, I sat on telling him for nearly 3 months, making sure it was what I wanted before I told him. He is amazing at arguing a point and I didn’t want to have my mind changed unless his arguments were amazing. Once he realized I was in this 100%, he told me that he didn’t agree with the decision, but he’d support me completely and be there for me.
I…I don’t feel that he has. He hasn’t gone to a single support meeting with me, though I have asked him to. He went to one doctor’s visit, but that was after I browbeat and begged him to come. My first visit had been a disaster. The entire waiting room was filled with patients and +1’s. I was literally the only person that day who was there alone. I actually broke down crying when the nurse took me back. Having him there the second visit made a world of difference for me and my mental health, and I think it helped him understand that while he has issues, this surgery is about as safe as many others and I am a great candidate.
I feel unable to talk to him about the topic. If I broach it, he discusses it as pleasantly as possible, but his body language just screams “I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS.”
After telling him my good approval news, I asked him point blank if this was the right choice, mostly hoping to allay my anxiety. He let out a really drawn out sigh and then told me he still didn’t think it was and that I was making a lifetime commitment for cosmetic reasons. I explained again that while the cosmetic thing was a nice bonus, this was being done so I could live a long and healthy life without major health issues. His reply was “well those years at the end would suck anyway.” He also argued that instead of taking pills for being sick, I’d take pills to remain healthy. I tried to argue the difference between taking Vitamins vs taking insulin or heart medication, but as mentioned above, he’s REALLY good at arguing a point, so I let it go.
To be fair, the blame on asking him a direct question and getting a direct answer is on me. I don’t begrudge him telling me the truth. It just really hurt to hear him say it. This is happening. He knows this is happening. He has voiced his concerns multiple times and I’ve tried to quell them by using science and facts. Would it really hurt for him to give me little white lies when he knows this is an inevitability? I asked him if he’d visit me when I was recovering at the hospital and when he asked how long I’d be there and I told him probably a day and a half, he said “Yeah, I’d have to pick you up and drop you off anyway.” That…that’s kind of crushing to hear. You guess you might drop in on your wife? For someone who claims to support me and my decision 100%, that feels oddly unsupportive. It would be nice to wake up and see him there. My friends have already told me to tell them when I’d be in the hospital so they can visit. Meanwhile, I have to ask my husband to make an appearance?
At the end of the conversation, he said “we’ll figure this out.” Honestly, I almost cried. He said WE, not me. I pointed out how nice it felt to hear him as being on the same team and he ruined the moment by saying “well, I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”
The moment he said “we” instead of singling me out felt amazing, like we were a team and I had my partner and best friend on my side. This is a huge undertaking and it would be amazing to have him there instead of dragging his feet.
I don’t know what to do guys. Am I reading too much into all of this? For as long as I have known him, he has always been very outspoken against elective surgery. I’m healthy (now) and this isn’t medically necessary (yet). I’m just not going to be able to convince him that this is the right decision for me unless I have a serious medical condition related to weight happen. I’m not waiting for my body to break before I make repairs. If he says he supports me, should I take it at face value? Should I stop bothering him with this and keep him out of the loop? The friends I have told have been wonderful, should I just rely on them and not bother him with this?

Hard truths suck!! But you're right. Thank you.

I'm glad I posted. I wasn't expecting this kind of feedback, but it has really helped put things in perspective. I really appreciate everyone chiming in with more or less the same response, but with different ways to share it. This is such a wonderful community.

Hard truths suck!! But you're right. Thank you.

I'm glad I posted. I wasn't expecting this kind of feedback, but it has really helped put things in perspective. I really appreciate everyone chiming in with more or less the same response, but with different ways to share it. This is such a wonderful community.

Everyone has said what you need to hear so I will only reiterate...
My husband ONLY supports this because he knows I am 100% for it. He has mentioned numerous times that he doesn't think I should do it. Really comes down to his disdain or fear of what he considers "unnecessary surgery" (root of that is seeing someone you love in pain for what he would consider optional).
I know he will support me even though if I were to show any sign of discomfort with it, he will hope to talk me out of it. Because of that, I haven't asked him to be a part of this journey AT ALL except to understand my reasons - which he ultimately does.

If you're 100% certain of this choice, and if you have explained your stance and your husband says he will support it whether he has a different stance or not, leave him alone about it! Stop making this about him or comparing him to others +1. Give him a chance to support you how he feels comfortable and stop pushing him to a breaking point with it. He's clearly loving you the best way he can with this topic and your just picking at a wound for him. You're the problem in this one. Not him. So just trust him and leave him alone about it.


HW: 328 (02/22/17)
SW: TBD
CW: 292

Yeah, I knew a patient who was rapidly regaining weight. When asked what said patient was eating, it was revealed to be mostly Angel food cake. Why? Because they said it contained mostly egg whites which were Protein, and thus on their bariatric diet sheet.

Why Psychologists Deny Certain People for Weight Loss Surgery and How to Not be One of Them


I have worked as a psychologist, providing psychological evaluations prior to bariatric weight loss surgery for the past eight years. For the most part, people need a power tool to help them lose and keep off the weight they have lost over and over again in their lives. The gastric sleeve, bypass, and now balloon are those tools. However, every once in a while, I will encounter someone who believes these procedures are the magic bullet.
I can pick this up in five seconds when I learn that:
this person has no exercise plan to maintain their weight loss a barrage of excuses as to why they can't exercise anymore zero insight into why they are overweight ("I don't know why I am overweight, I just eat steamed vegetables and grilled chicken mostly.") a lack of motivation or understanding for why they also have to engage in behavioral modification in addition to the surgery "Why would you reveal all of this?" you ask. Aren't I giving away the keys to the kingdom to anyone who reads this and wants to pass a psychological evaluation? Perhaps- but who are you really cheating if you don't go within and face the real demons that got you here in the first place?
When I ask people about their eating styles, I tend to group them into four categories:
1) emotional eater- someone who uses food when they are bored, stressed, tired, lonely, sad, or even happy in addition to eating when they are hungry
2) skip and binger- someone who fails to think about food until it is too late, and when they are ravenous end up going for whatever is available which is usually some type of carb and calorie laden fast food
3) miscellaneous- someone who just recognizes that they eat too large of portion sizes and/or the wrong types of food
4) food addict- usually someone with a history of other addictions, trauma, and a significant amount of weight to lose. They usually have comorbid psychological diagnoses that have been unaddressed or ill-addressed.
Out of the four categories, the 4th is the most troubling for a psychologist. This particular person is most correlated with the patient who fails to address their core issues, eats "around the sleeve," or bypass, experiences dumping syndrome, comes back a year later and asks for the bypass, or a different procedure.
This is the person who, ironically, is usually the most resistant to my recommendation that they seek therapeutic support prior to the surgery. They want it done YESTERDAY. They want it NOW. It is this type of thinking that got them into trouble in the first place. The impulsivity and lack of emotional regulation.
I've witnessed people fail to address their maladaptive eating patterns and never quite get to their goal weight. I had a male that would buy a bag of pepperonis at the grocery store and snack on them all day and couldn't understand why he wasn't losing weight. This daily "snack," which was a mental security blanket, served as a veritable IV drip of fat and calories throughout the day.
I've had a woman who figured out how to ground up her favorite foods into a liquid form because she never quite let go of her attachment to "comfort foods." One of her most notable liquid concoctions consisted of chicken and Cheetos. I'll just leave that for you to chew...er swallow.
They say with drug and alcohol recovery- you "slay the dragon," but with food addiction recovery, you have to take it for a walk three times a day. If you don't fundamentally shift your relationship with this dragon, you're going to get burnt when you are walking it.
My number one tip for transforming your relationship with food is to start looking at eating the same way you do as brushing and flossing: You don't necessarily salivate at the idea of what type of toothpaste you will use, where you will do it, who you will do it with, right? You just do it twice a day because you don't want to lose your teeth and you want to maintain healthy gums.
Food has to be thought of in the same way. You fuel up. You don't use food as a place to define your quality of life. You don't use food to Celebrate. You don't use food to demarcate the end of a long day. You don't use food to help you feel less alone. You figure out healthier coping alternatives to meet these needs.
Loneliness-call a friend for support
Celebrate- get a massage
Demarcate the end of a long day- start a tea ritual and use essential oils
Another reason you must say goodbye to comfort food is that it triggers the pleasure center of the brain, which ignites our dopamine, which perpetuates the addiction. Many people think we are just telling them to get rid of the comfort food because of the carbs or calories, but there are unique and harmful chemical consequences to ingesting these types of food we know are bad for us.
If you are ready to take a modern approach to weight loss and stop dieting for good- check out my wls/vsg psychological support course here for free.
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Hey Bunny,
That hurt to read and hear, but I think I needed those hard truths. You're absolutely right. The situation sucks, but it is what it is and I can't change it. The most I can do is change how I handle it. I really appreciate your reply.

@jessgnc I'm so happy for you! All the work to get to this point has paid off. Congrats!

If he ever lived with someone with those undesirable diseases, he'd sing a new tune. My FIL has insulin dependent diabetes. His medication costs for a year (after good prescription insurance coverage) are $3700. He is on 27 medications, all relatable to metabolic syndrome. He became diabetic in his 40's.
My husband understood the risks, and was willing to support me too. Even so, while he was driving me to the airport, if I said I'd changed my mind, he so would have turned that car around.
Now, I'm a month postop, and he shared his most tender section of steak with me. Lol.

I think that for whatever reason (and you may never know why, exactly), your husband is not going to meet your expectations for what you feel he needs to be doing for you regarding the surgery, your post op care, or your post surgical life. He does not support what you're doing and you need to accept that. You need to move on from having any expectations at all from him regarding the surgery and find your support elsewhere. In time and once you've recovered and your lives reach their "new normal," (in terms of your diet and nutrition), this too shall pass. In the meantime, you need to forgive your husband for what he can't give you and you need to start organizing your support now. If you want hospital visitors (think through this one carefully -- you may just want to rest), tell people that. You may need help at home the first few days after you come home from the hospital -- set it up now. Don't rely on or make assumptions about what your husband "should be doing," for you once you come home. Arrange for a friend to stay over, so they can make your evening "meal," bring you your fluids, and do the same thing for you in the morning and afternoon too. Arrange for your own care post-op and again, have zero expectations of your husband. Let him know well in advance who is coming and when, but don't be snarky and don't say things like "This wouldn't be necessary if you were on board." Let it be. Allow your husband to be uninvolved and allow him his feelings, whatever they are. You are on your own in this, your husband has been very clear with you about that, I know you're hurt but again, this too shall pass. You need to let this one go.
Bunny

He cares about you. He's scared of how it will affect your relationship and the things you have done together for 14 years. It's all understandable. I don't know how great an argument "those years would suck" is, though.

If you do it, and you get healthy, and you remain as loyal to him as you appear to be, he will be happy for you in the end. If you get healthy, your last years will not suck like they might w/diabetes or other comorbidities.

Most important, it is your body, and you get to want those years, and to have fun during those years. Not one day have I regretted my decision.

There are many different reasons he could be acting like he is. (1) He really is against "elective" surgery; (2) he is worried something might happen to you while in surgery; (3) he's worried when you lose the weight you will be looking for an "upgrade." Either way, he is not supporting you in this. My suggestion is to look elsewhere for your support - whether a family member or a friend who can go with you to your appointments/hospital for surgery/mental support, or an actual support group.
Remember these are just my opinions and I don't know him/you at all, but I think if he sees you getting support from someone/somewhere else, he will come around some, maybe not all the way. I'm pretty sure he is hoping by his negative responses and non-support that you will decide not to have the surgery.
i do not think you are needy - you just want someone there with you. Some people are very independent (I did it all on my own which was easy for me), but others need/want someone there to hear all that's said and to support them in their choice - whether they agree with it or not. Either way it is not wrong.
I wish you the best of luck and stay strong on what you think is best for you!

Weight loss surgery is a life-changing event, and not something to be undergone lightly. Some weight loss surgery candidates know that weight loss surgery is for them, but many others are unsure whether it is time for them to get weight loss surgery. At best, it can help you lose weight and get your life back. At worst, it can cause complications or make you miss your old way of life.


How do you know whether weight loss surgery is for you? Will it be the weight control solution you have been searching for for years? Or will it be a decision you regret? Nobody can answer that for you, but here are some considerations as you think about whether weight loss surgery is for you.
The Qualifying Criteria
You are not a candidate for bariatric surgery unless you meet certain criteria set by your surgeon or, if applicable, your healthcare coverage plan. The standard criteria are:
Body Mass Index (BMI) over 40 or BMI 35 with an obesity-related comorbidity, such as type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, or sleep apnea. Confirmation that your obesity is not caused by an underlying condition that would make weight loss surgery ineffective. A psychological exam to show that you are capable of sticking to the post-op diet and lifestyle changes that are necessary. Previous documented attempts at losing weight with diet and exercise. Ineffectiveness of Previous Efforts
Weight loss surgery is a last resort, not a first try at losing weight. It is for patients who have been obese for years and who have tried to lose weight using lifestyle changes, such as a modified diet plan and a formal exercise program. Many weight loss surgery patients try “every diet under the sun” before deciding that it is time for WLS. They may have had trouble losing any weight at all, or may have lost weight initially but been unable to keep it off.
Readiness to Change
Weight loss surgery is just the beginning. The way you eat after weight loss surgery determines how well you will be able to control your weight for the rest of your life. You need to be ready to change if you want to be successful with weight loss surgery. No longer will you be able to down a pizza or hit the drive-through on a whim.
Are you ready to possibly:
Give up coffee and regular and diet soda? Cut sugary treats and fried foods, especially with gastric bypass? Pass on the alcoholic offerings at home, parties, and restaurants? Count Protein, slash carbs, and measure portions? Addressing Other Issues
Weight gain does not always take place in a vacuum, and weight loss does not solve other problems you might have in your life. First, identify why you became overweight in the first place, and what is keeping you from losing the weight. Is weight loss surgery the answer, or do you need to first deal with an abusive relationship or lack of self-confidence, for example?
Emotional eating is a common reason for weight gain. If you tend to eat your feelings away, you are best off figuring out other ways to handle your feelings before you get surgery. Can you use walking as a form of therapy? Maybe you can join an in-person or online support group to turn to when you feel sad, lonely, or angry.
If your emotional eating is related to a specific problem, such as stress at work, your best bet may be to handle the problem before getting WLS. That could mean finding a healthy coping mechanism, or it could mean getting counseling to help you work through the source of stress. It could even mean finding a new job, as scary as that sounds.
Consider Replacement Addictions
Replacement addictions are common after weight loss surgery. They happen when you give up food – which can be an addiction – for a different addiction. Instead of turning to food for comfort, entertainment, or companionship, some weight loss surgery patients turn to “replacement addictions” or “cross addictions” They may take up smoking, or start to abuse alcohol. Replacement addictions can also be healthier than eating; some weight loss surgery patients become gym rats or take up gardening, sewing, or other hobbies.
As you consider weight-loss surgery, think about the possibility of food addiction being replaced by replacement addictions. What role does food play in your life now? What do you see replacing that emotional or physical role after surgery?
The decision to get weight loss surgery requires a lot of soul searching for most candidates. These points can help you work through some of the doubts you may have as you try to decide what is best for yourself.

I can tell you I went through this exact thing. But in the end I think all it was was that he was scared of a bad outcome. Still now almost 4 weeks postop he still has his moments, but in his own way tries to make sure I'm comfortable, and getting my needs met. It's hard trust me!!


M

I don't mean this in a rude way, but you seem very needy. There's no reson you need him at appointments. I mean is 2 people taking time off work for one persons appointments. He's just scared something will happen to you, maybe if you seemed stronger , he would too. I went for my surgery alone to mexico and the husband stayed home with the kids. He wasn't crazy about the idea, but it's not his body. Anyway, as I said.....please don't take it the wrong way, be strong and attend your meetings on your own. my husband wouldn't attend a meeting with me either, not that I'd asked, but I wouldn't even expect him to you. We been together 20 years and have a great relationship, but I did it for me and I never let on I was scared or it would scare him.

I just got off of the phone with my insurance company. I was approved the first time around in barely 3 business days!

This entire thing has been so surreal. I'm not sure if other people go through life like this, but for me, I know major events are coming but they don't really register as happening to me until something kicks me and I fully realize it. Going to nutrition classes, getting all of my prerequisites done, etc...I knew those all served a purpose, but I think getting the official approval made me realize that THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
I don't have any regret or anxiety. I was worried that when this started to get real, I'd talk myself out of it. I'm just giddy that I was approved to have life altering surgery!
I suspect the next wave of realization will come as they dress me in my hospital blues. Hopefully I'll still be excited and only normal levels of nervous then!

@ChaosUnlimited - My packet FINALLY went out last Tuesday. Now the waiting game begins. AHHH!

@ChaosUnlimited - My packet FINALLY went out last Tuesday. Now the waiting game begins. AHHH!

Ok, how many sewing machines do you own?