Hello all,
I hope the following makes sense it's a long one!
I've been up since 2am. I haven't been able to sleep for long the past 2 nights. I'm excited, nervous & scared for what's to come. Approval and When are a two of biggies on my mind.
I'll be 52 yrs in March. I've been overweight since the age of 19 and obese after my first birth at 21. I've lost and gained, but mostly gained throughout my adult life.
I'm 5'4" and my highest "recorded" weight was 240lbs. I went on Belviq a year ago and it worked for the most part. I lost a total of 30 pounds. I had to stop taking it though because my Dr only allowed 7 months of it. As soon as I stopped the drug my insatiable hunger and food obsession came back. I climbed back up to 230lbs within 3 months.
My Dr suggested WLS last year but I was against it. I didn't know about the sleeve then and watching my sister navigate bi-pass surgery the past 13 years made me determined to do it on my own. Then I met someone in December that had VSG done. She looked great, was beaming and couldn't say enough good things about VSG. I researched it and a month later found myself at a seminar. I finally found what I believe is right for me.
Tomorrow, February 18, 2015 are my first real appointments. I live 2 hrs from the Hospital and Surgeon (Swedish Hospital, Seattle) so they booked my consult with the surgeon, dietician, psych, EKG/vitals/pic and nurse coordinator appointments on the same day, one after the other. The Matrix appointment they call it.
I was told, by the scheduler, that Medicare doesn't require a pre-Dr supervised diet. All I needed was a letter from my Dr stating necessity, BMI over 35 and one co-morbidity. (My other insurance, through my husband, doesn't cover any weight loss ANYTHING. I guess they're banking on me dying first...nice)
Anyway-
I have high cholesterol and osteoarthritis. The other stuff I have is "pre" and doesn't count. (Diabetes, high blood pressure).
I'm praying that what she (scheduler) told me is right. It's a long drive and I have to pay for an appointment that's not covered plus all the co-pays. I'd hate for it to be for nothing.
I guess there's a fear in the back of my head that's saying
"You're always going to be fat.
Why would this work out for you. Everything else failed."
Then I also have glimmers of hope. Visions of me in the future healthy, smaller. A knowing that I'm going to be smaller and it will all work out.
I just want to stop thinking right now. I can't wait until after tomorrow so I know where I stand.
I've gone through an array of emotions.
Like,
Disappointed-I failed at losing weight. Why couldn't I do it.
Ashamed-I can't tell people about surgery, can I? I am not prepared for comments of:
Just eat less. Exercise more. Surgery is the easy way out. If you want to be thinner cut down on your dinner. Why don't you try...
Anxious-How am I going to navigate eating. Will it hurt more than I can deal with.
Sad-I'm a foodie and adore cooking and creating recipes. Food is very social.
Grief-I can never eat that again??? Nervous-No more chugging ice cold Water. (I'm a water guzzler). Take small bites, slow eating and chew, chew, chew. What if I forget?
Ugh. Honestly, I feel stupid even writing this.
On the upside I'm looking forward to never getting moo'd at again in a parking lot or over hearing nasty remarks about my size. Being told you're so nice too bad you're ugly. If you were just skinny you'd be ok.
Wow, I've been holding on to those for a long time. ????
How about a cheers to letting that shit go, finally buying clothes I like and getting my life back!
Thanks for listening. I'm not usually such a downer.
