I've been a member for a while, but lately I've been dealing with something I thought other sleevers (particularly if you're pre-op and looking for things to watch out for) might want to be aware is a possibility. Because it's embarrassing and I'm going to drop some personal truth bombs I set up a new account to do this.
All my life, I've been fat. As a child, I got ridiculed. As an adult, I never felt like I even existed. At the size I reached, I was basically a non-entity, an ugly piece of furniture people walked around but never really looked at. For some reason, despite ongoing therapy, I was never able to get past the notion that once I started losing weight, things were going to change. I would be a PERSON, and I would be LOVED and I would be WORTHY.
Nothing changed except the size of my ass.
Oh sure, I get more attention now, but it's fleeting attention. I still don't have the connections I hoped for, and I think maybe that's because I went my entire life not knowing how to form them.
I thought I understood all the possible risky behaviors and cross addictions. I'm not an alcoholic, I've never tried cigarettes or drugs, didn't even finish my pain pills after surgery and I really needed them. I was OKAY, right? Wrong. I started meeting guys, with the genuine intention of finding someone special...but it just kept not happening. They all seemed to like my body, though, so I convinced myself for a while that the sex was just good and liberating and everyone does it, so why shouldn't I have fun with it? It's not fun, though. It started to become desperate. That moment when I was with someone and things peaked, I mattered - I was the only thing that mattered. For that moment, it felt good, and I started living for that feeling. Men, women, couples, posting pictures online - once I even posted a craigslist ad in another state exposing myself and asking for chat friends. Ended up taking a day off work and carrying on a conversation with over 30 men at the same time just trying so hard to feel like I was desirable and cared for.
I knew it wasn't okay. I knew every discussion, every encounter, was just going to end in tears. I was just too out of control to stop. It wasn't until recently that I really figured out what was really at the root of what I was doing. I'm not engaging in the behavior anymore, but I'm still struggling really hard with the feelings. I wish I could say that I knew how to prevent this from happening, that I had some magic answer, but the truth is I don't. I've BEEN in therapy, taken meds, tried to fill my life with other things, and still ended up finding myself out of control. It would be nice to say, "do XYZ and this won't be you", but I can't - though maybe reading this can help someone else who might be going through it to feel like they aren't alone. You aren't. You are valuable, you matter, and you are worth more. So am I. I'll check this account from time to time, and if you need to talk to someone who gets it, I'll talk to you. NO worries about anonymity, I won't say a word.
