raising3monkeys

If you're like me, you play these little games with yourself - where when you're doing well on losing weight, you tell yourself that you can "afford" something that's not supposed to be on your plan.  Maybe it's a piece of chocolate - something in-control that seems worth it.  For me though, it's not those little tiny things.  It's stuff like deciding to have my morning coffee - which is laden with real sugar and flavored (sugared) creamer.  God I love that stuff.  Yes, I have tried artificial sweetener, but it's not worth it to me - I'd rather just not have the coffee.  So when it's a choice between coffee I'm not into or no coffee at all, I'll choose no coffee.  But when it's a choice between "do I want to do the coffee thing today?" and no coffee, then of course I'll choose yes to the coffee.  It's a really bad way for me start out my day - with all that failure right off the bat.  I did that yesterday.  And then I did a few french fries with dinner (maybe 6?) as I poked at the serving dish out there for everyone else.  Otherwise I did well.  I wanted to do an evening tea before bed, but as I'm sure you can guess, it too is laden with sugar.   I was actually thirsty, so I opted for water instead.  Not nearly as satisfying, but I was able to do it.
Today I got up and wanted to do coffee again.  MY way.  Except that yesterday was the first time that I actually started to feel some of my weight loss - I kept needing to yank my pants up all day.  What the heck, this is actually WORKING?  So today I said no to the coffee.  Instead, I started with water.  And actually made breakfast instead of it being something that I did later when I was hungry hours after the coffee.  A 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, a 1/2 cup of mango pieces, and a hard-boiled egg.  That was hours ago, and I'm just now starting to think about having lunch.  It worked!  So I'm off to a great start today.  I also tackled my shower tile, which needed a bunch of scrubbing - specifically because why not burn the calories now - today?  Later I plan to take the dog for a walk if I can tolerate the cold.  20 minutes of yoga is also on the docket.  I'm going to be doing some vacuuming this afternoon, too.  Today feels..... in control.  I'm going to try to have a day like I'm supposed to, and see how that feels.  Because I want to see how getting rid of all of this fat feels, too!

If you're like me, you play these little games with yourself - where when you're doing well on losing weight, you tell yourself that you can "afford" something that's not supposed to be on your plan.  Maybe it's a piece of chocolate - something in-control that seems worth it.  For me though, it's not those little tiny things.  It's stuff like deciding to have my morning coffee - which is laden with real sugar and flavored (sugared) creamer.  God I love that stuff.  Yes, I have tried artificial sweetener, but it's not worth it to me - I'd rather just not have the coffee.  So when it's a choice between coffee I'm not into or no coffee at all, I'll choose no coffee.  But when it's a choice between "do I want to do the coffee thing today?" and no coffee, then of course I'll choose yes to the coffee.  It's a really bad way for me start out my day - with all that failure right off the bat.  I did that yesterday.  And then I did a few french fries with dinner (maybe 6?) as I poked at the serving dish out there for everyone else.  Otherwise I did well.  I wanted to do an evening tea before bed, but as I'm sure you can guess, it too is laden with sugar.   I was actually thirsty, so I opted for water instead.  Not nearly as satisfying, but I was able to do it.
Today I got up and wanted to do coffee again.  MY way.  Except that yesterday was the first time that I actually started to feel some of my weight loss - I kept needing to yank my pants up all day.  What the heck, this is actually WORKING?  So today I said no to the coffee.  Instead, I started with water.  And actually made breakfast instead of it being something that I did later when I was hungry hours after the coffee.  A 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, a 1/2 cup of mango pieces, and a hard-boiled egg.  That was hours ago, and I'm just now starting to think about having lunch.  It worked!  So I'm off to a great start today.  I also tackled my shower tile, which needed a bunch of scrubbing - specifically because why not burn the calories now - today?  Later I plan to take the dog for a walk if I can tolerate the cold.  20 minutes of yoga is also on the docket.  I'm going to be doing some vacuuming this afternoon, too.  Today feels..... in control.  I'm going to try to have a day like I'm supposed to, and see how that feels.  Because I want to see how getting rid of all of this fat feels, too!

If you're like me, you play these little games with yourself - where when you're doing well on losing weight, you tell yourself that you can "afford" something that's not supposed to be on your plan.  Maybe it's a piece of chocolate - something in-control that seems worth it.  For me though, it's not those little tiny things.  It's stuff like deciding to have my morning coffee - which is laden with real sugar and flavored (sugared) creamer.  God I love that stuff.  Yes, I have tried artificial sweetener, but it's not worth it to me - I'd rather just not have the coffee.  So when it's a choice between coffee I'm not into or no coffee at all, I'll choose no coffee.  But when it's a choice between "do I want to do the coffee thing today?" and no coffee, then of course I'll choose yes to the coffee.  It's a really bad way for me start out my day - with all that failure right off the bat.  I did that yesterday.  And then I did a few french fries with dinner (maybe 6?) as I poked at the serving dish out there for everyone else.  Otherwise I did well.  I wanted to do an evening tea before bed, but as I'm sure you can guess, it too is laden with sugar.   I was actually thirsty, so I opted for water instead.  Not nearly as satisfying, but I was able to do it.
Today I got up and wanted to do coffee again.  MY way.  Except that yesterday was the first time that I actually started to feel some of my weight loss - I kept needing to yank my pants up all day.  What the heck, this is actually WORKING?  So today I said no to the coffee.  Instead, I started with water.  And actually made breakfast instead of it being something that I did later when I was hungry hours after the coffee.  A 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, a 1/2 cup of mango pieces, and a hard-boiled egg.  That was hours ago, and I'm just now starting to think about having lunch.  It worked!  So I'm off to a great start today.  I also tackled my shower tile, which needed a bunch of scrubbing - specifically because why not burn the calories now - today?  Later I plan to take the dog for a walk if I can tolerate the cold.  20 minutes of yoga is also on the docket.  I'm going to be doing some vacuuming this afternoon, too.  Today feels..... in control.  I'm going to try to have a day like I'm supposed to, and see how that feels.  Because I want to see how getting rid of all of this fat feels, too!

Today is 3 weeks post-op since my Lap-Band.  It's four weeks since my pre-op visit when I started a no carb/no veggie diet in prep for surgery.  I am the same weight today as I was 6 days after surgery - that's dissappointing!  I do realize that a lot of that weight loss may have been from being on a liquid diet, for 6 days, too.  So I'm still 12 lbs. down from my visit one week pre-surgery.  I should just be happy.  But I've been working VERY hard, and doing pretty well, and I want to see more results.  I don't see anything yet except on the scale, which will have to suffice for now.
He told me to stop obsessing - I'm down 17 lbs. from my heaviest - which I think was back in July when I visited him to kick this off again.  So,... that's promising!
I kept reading about fills here and on Bandedliving.com where people talked about how many cc's of saline their doctor added.  Lots said that their doctor will only do 5 cc's at a time.  My surgeon had previously stated that I will leave there after every fill at the perfect point, and I'll come back when I notice that I'm able to eat more than I used to be - for another fill.  Huh.  Today I asked him how many cc's he starts with.  He was like, "WHERE did you hear that nonsense?  STOP listening to anyone but me!"  (Jeez - I wasn't "listening" so much as hearing!  I'm following no one's recommendations but his.  I tell him that - that I can't believe how he only had me on liquids for 6 days following the surgery, when I see elsewhere in print or online that people have up to 6 weeks on liquids and purees.  He says, "There's no reason for that - it's just that some doctors don't treat any of their weight loss surgeries any differently.  They do the same thing for band, sleeve or bypass.  And their patients are suffering needlessly if they're band patients.  Of COURSE they lose weight - they're on a liquid diet!  He says that it's not the end of the world, and it usually doesn't hurt anything.  But it's really unnecessary.  He says that he'd love to do an experiment where people who want WL surgery are told, "You're having WL surgery", but not told afterward which one they had.  Then treat them all the same as if they'd had the bypass, and you'd find out that they all have the same results.  He's convinced of it.  Lol.  Says that of course bypass patients are on liquids and purees longer than band patients - because they NEED to be - their stomach can rip if they don't do things slowly enough.  But doing that to a band patient is just scaring them when there's no need.  Interesting.
Anyway, he lays me down on the exam table, he asks me where my port is.  I point.  He wipes it off with alcohol wipes.  He says, "Little pinch", and I feel the needle puncture my skin (such a little thing).  He pushes in some saline.  Then he sits me up so my legs are dangling over the table.  The syringe is still in my stomach.  He hands me a glass of water, and says, "chug".  I do, and he makes me stop after about 4 gulps.  Says, "Okay, where's the water now?"  I point to my stomach.  Says, "Okay, tell me when it goes down past the band".  He withdraws a bit of the saline back out, and I think I feel a change.  So I say, "There".  And he says, "Okay, then we're good", and pulls the syringe out and puts a band-aid over the port.  I tell him that I'm not sure of what it feels like for something to go down past the band - I've never had that sensation.  He says, "That's okay - you go home and try this.  If it's not enough, you just come back and we'll work on it more next time."  Ummm, okay?
I asked him a few questions today.  I said, "Your information packet says that the point of the band is to keep the food above the band for a time, alleviating hunger.  But elsewhere, I see that it says, "wait for the food to pass your band before you take another bite."  He says, "Dang - NO ONE has asked me that in all the years we've had that packet.  Now I'm gonna need to fire my nutritionist, who put that in there." (he's obviously joking).  I say, "So which is it?"  He goes into a long explanation with me about how the band is designed to make a pouch at the top that food holds in for a few hours.  If food is passing the band as you're eating, then the band isn't tight enough - and it's virtually pointless.  K, got it.  Next I ask him about why the band needs to be tightened/filled over time - does the saline seep out?  No - it's because of a few factors - one being that your stomach below the band is thinner than above it - just like once you get a ring past the plumpest part of your finger, it slides off from there on down.  So you need it tightened occasionally.  Also, it can slip down a bit and need to be tightened more for that spot.  This is not the "bad" slippage - this is more incremental migration.
I also asked the doctor what makes the food in the pouch above the band move down past the band eventually?  Is it just a log-jam effect that takes time?  Nope - it's that the stomach acid starts eating at the food in the bottom of the pouch, which makes it break down and fall through the band.  Ah - got it.
I'm going back in a few weeks for a pre-holiday check.  I'm hoping to get down past 300 in HIS office (vs. my home) this time!

So this past week has been tough, if you've seen any of my earlier blog posts.  I've been hungry, food has consumed my thoughts, and some days I haven't done as well as I felt I should have.  Still though - I did WAY better than a typical day prior to my pre-surgical consumption.  So I SHOULD be seeing some loss, even if it's slow.  I had lost 12 lbs. in the first 12 days since my no-carb diet started 7 days prior to surgery.  That was my last visit to my surgeon's office.  I have a scale in my bathroom too - one that I rarely used prior to beginning this.  I've tried to weigh in just once or twice a week, but this week has been every day.  Because I feel like I'm mentally a bit out of control, but I wanted validation that I was still doing well enough to be making forward momentum.  A week ago on Thursday, I'd lost another 3 lbs., according to my home scale.  That was a total of 15.  I was really encouraged by that.  But these past few days the scale has gone back up - frustrating.  And it didn't seem to matter if I had a near perfect day, the scale was telling me otherwise.  I communicated all this to my husband last night, saying that I was afraid that when I went to weigh in today at my doctor's appointment, the scale might show that I'd gained a few of the original 12 lbs. back.  He told me that the scale is a whacky one - that it never gives an accurate reading unless it's perfectly flat.  And that our tile floor certainly wasn't that.  For a moment, I had hope.  Then I realized that even if it's off by a few lbs., I should STILL see it going down.
Today I have my first fill scheduled.  So I figured I'd get on the scale just because I wanted to see how close my doctor's scale is to mine (I realize this is pointless since I'll have weighed myself at home buck naked, prior to any food or liquids being consumed.  And by contrast, I'll weigh in the afternoon at my doctor's office, fully clothed after having had both breakfast and lunch.  But still.)  I made sure to put it on tiles vs. any of the in-between sections between the tiles.  I was expecting it to say what it had in the past few days - which was around 308 (I'd started out at 318).  To my great surprise, it said 299.6!  WHAT?!?!?  I got off and got back on.  The same.  I got back on after moving the scale slightly, and it said 300.00.  F THAT noise!  I'm 299!  Lol.  Then I moved it a lot, very haphazardly, and it was 303 or so.  BUT THAT's STILL GOOD!  I'm now very excited to keep going.  This was just the boost I needed.  If my scale is accurate, I'm BACK in the 200's after several years above 300, and it would mean that I've lost 19 lbs. since Nov. 3rd. - which is 2 days shy of one month.  I lost 25 lbs. in about 4 months a good 10 years ago now (when I went from 250 to 225), and it was LIFE CHANGING.  I never thought I'd do this so fast.
I won't be surprised if my doctor's scale says I'm still above 300 later today.  I'm expecting that.  But still - I'm on the right track.  I just wish I could start to see the difference in my clothing or body/face overall.  I figure a few more lbs. and that'll be inevitable.

I was fully aware when I started down this path that bariactric surgery wasn't a magic bullet.  That it would reduce the size of my stomach, but not my cravings, or how much of a change healthy eating would be for me.  What I didn't anticipate was that I wouldn't feel like I had any difference in my stomach size (still haven't had my first band fill), and that I would feel like I was starving all the dang time.  My stomach doesn't seem restricted whatsoever by the band yet, and I have been eating very small meals compared to what I used to - mostly as practice and to get the weight loss jump-started.  I've been following my doctor's rules with about a 95% success rate.  The most difficult thing has been to not drink at all during / after meals.  When I do break that rule, it's only sips though - not large amounts.
I have been completely carb-free.  I have been eating much healthier cuts of meat overall - no more processed foods.  I'm eating exclusively REAL food for the first time, and I'm enjoying the food.  But I'm hungry just a bit later!  I've been trying to stick to the rule of only eating 3 meals a day (vs. eating only when hungry).  I may sometimes have a snack in the evening - if I'm hungry, it'll be something like nuts.  If I'm just feeling snacky, it's something like sugar-free jello with sugar free Coolwhip.  So I'm eating small, good for me meals, and I'm hungry.  And I appear to be losing only very slowly - or hovering around the same 3-5 lbs.  It' maddening! I want the band tightened already!  That doesn't happen until my Dec. 19th appointment.  That's several weeks from now.  I'm losing my excitement here on being able to do this journey.  I did this so I could lose weight without being constantly hungry!  And that issue still exists.
Yesterday I did wonderfully with food - but it was SUCH a hard day!  I ate what I intended to and no more.  But I feel like I thought about food all.day.long.  Ugh.  I hate that.  It's very difficult.

It's Tuesday, but I'm already working on my shopping list for this coming Saturday.  We shop every two weeks (paydays for us) for 2 weeks of groceries.  So it's a large undertaking with a larger family.  The way it seemed to work best in the past took lots of time, but was worth it.  I've just gotten lazy over the years.  And I know that when I was successful losing weight in the past, it was partly because I planned out my meals ahead of time and made the subsequent shopping list.  So,.... here goes nothin'!
I'm going to start with looking at what we already have in the house.  That means taking stock of the fridge, freezer and the deep freezer.  The benefit of this is that we wind up using what we have without overspending, and it gives me ideas of how to use what's already there.  I can also look at my family's schedule and figure out who will be home that night (I have a teenager that works a lot of evenings), and meal plan for that group (my son who works is also a very picky eater, so we try to have meals that we enjoy/he doesn't when he's not around.  I also take into account any plans that my husband and I might have out with friends or such, and try to make easier meals on those nights.  So as you can see, to do this RIGHT right means:
Knowing my family's schedule ahead of time (as much as I can) Knowing the contents of my freezer, fridge, pantry and deep freeze Understanding the dietary limitations for everyone, including myself It.Takes.TIME.  But again, it's every 2 weeks.  And if I'd get smarter about the freezer list, I'd post it on the fridge and cross off things when I use them, eliminating the need to look in the freezers every time.  I've never quite gotten very good at that, but maybe it'll be my new year's resolution.  Lol.
Then I lay out the list of raw foods we have and figure out what night I'd like to make what.  I work from home a few days a week, so I can afford to make longer prep meals or crock pot meals on those days.  I don't feel like cooking anything that takes too long when I'm getting home at 6 pm.  I'm tired and we're all already hungry, so it's about speed on those nights.  I try to lay it out enough that it'll say something like "Meatloaf, green beans and rolls".  Then all those items can go on my list.  It makes sure that I don't have to think so much about food later, and it also ensures that we use our fresh produce before it goes bad.  A lot of times the first week after shopping will be loaded with fresh veggies, and the next week will have more canned and frozen ones.
In addition to my family dinners, I plan my own breakfast and lunch.  On the days that I'm home, that can involve cooking.  And potentially cooking for food prep for the next day, when I'll be going into the office.  Otherwise I need to do that in the later evenings, when I'd rather be doing just about anything else.  Lol.  It's easiest if I completely pack my breakfast (I tend to eat at work vs. at home) the night before.  Because I am NOT a morning person.  Lol.
I'll do this in chunks this time.  I'll start today with assessing what the pantry and freezers and fridge currently has in it.  Then I can plan from tomorrow through the next shopping trip.  I wouldn't need to do tomorrow (Wed.) through Friday if I'd planned correctly last time, but this time I'll need to do it.
If you fail to plan, you may as well plan to fail, as the saying goes.
 

Two days ago, I went to see my surgeon for the last time prior to surgery.  He gave me a whole packet of information, including the one-week pre surgical diet.  It's very restrictive!  Here's what's allowed:
Meats (beef, pork, chicken and turkey Fish and shellfish (not breaded) Cheese and cottage cheese eggs, nuts, seeds and nut butters (such as peanut butter) Tuna, chicken, or egg salad Luncheon Meats Here's what I CAN'T have:
EVERYTHING ELSE Seriously - I can't have anything else This diet is meant to shrink the liver, because it's directly next to the stomach, and it needs to be lifted up in order to gain access to the stomach - kind of like the hood of a car, but sideways.  The livers of people with weight issues are usually larger than normal.  By eating no sugar or carbs whatsoever, the sugar stores in my liver become depleted, and my liver shrinks as a result.  It's also to give me a jump start on weight loss, incorporating and understanding the post-operative diet.
Now,.... my wonderful husband, who's also a big guy, and SUPER supportive, has decided to go on this diet with me until surgery.  Because he's done super low carb before (although admittedly not THIS low carb!) and he says it's difficult to do alone.  And he doesn't want me to feel alone.  So he's done it since Friday with me.  Because of this, I've been perfect on this diet so far!  It doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but it's an enormous difference for me!  Meals and snacks require planning and forethought, and that's a big change for me.  So is having REAL FOOD instead of just junk.  I was always reaching for a donut or Ding-Dong before whenever I felt a craving.  I'm still thinking about them, but I'm not picking them up now.  If I feel munchy, I choose a piece of string cheese, some almonds, or some lunch meat.  And that staves me off until the next meal.
It's amazing how good a salad can look after days with no fruits or vegetables.  You would have thought the salad was the Ding-Dong the way I was looking at it tonight as others ate it in front of me, Lol.  It's also amazing how much water I'm drinking.  I'm not sure how I've done all this time, but I've rarely drank anything during the day.  I'm not a huge soda drinker, even when it's available.  And we rarely have it around anyway.  I am a sucker for sweet tea, though - cold in the day, and hot tea at night.  And I LOVE my morning coffee - full of flavored creamer and sugar.  So I've gone cold turkey on all of that.  And I am SO thirsty all the dang time.  My hubby says this is what happens when you deprive your body of the sugars.  I also occasionally get a mild headache, which I think is sugar withdrawal.  But it's nothing big enough to change my day much.
Tomorrow I am in training all day at work for a new computer system.  They are catering lunch, and I know it's sandwiches and salads.  I know that the meat on one sandwich isn't going to be enough to see me through the afternoon.  So I have my breakfast and lunch all packed for tomorrow.  Two hard-boiled eggs and some cooked bacon for breakfast.  For lunch, several cold cuts and pieces of cheese, along with some cottage cheese, almonds and string cheese.  I'll also be drinking water all day again, and I'm hoping the training will be intensive enough to keep me focused and not thinking about food.
I've got to say, I feel different already even after only a few days of eating differently.  I'm already back in the swing of choosing good foods, and planning ahead.  Two of those things were massively successful the one time I had great results in losing weight years ago.  I'm going to try to do some yoga this week, too (I have a few DVD's, two of which I've never even tried).  I'm looking forward to seeing how much weight I may have lost when I check in on surgery day (I was weighed on my consult day).  I'm already on a roll.  I'm feeling really positive!  And I'm already half-way done with my super low carb diet.

Does anyone read these?  Because I feel like this is more of a diary than anything else.  Which is okay.  It helps me have a place to pour things out and organize my thoughts.
Today I went and got my Upper GI with double contrast.  First time I've had that test, and hopefully, the last.  Actually, it wasn't THAT bad.  But barium isn't exactly pleasant stuff to drink.  But the results were good - everything was fine.  That's my LAST test for pre-qualifying.  I have to meet with my primary care doc for surgical clearance, and then my bariatric surgeon can turn everything over to the insurance company for review/approval.
Today brought a new wave of feelings as I sat in the little waiting room with my gown on for 40 minutes, alone.  All this time since I've had my conversation with my bariatric surgeon the very first time, this surgery has been more of a fantasy.  I've had eight surgeries of various types so far between the ages of 21 and 46, and I know that I handle them well.  I'm less afraid of surgery than anyone I know, and unafraid to take risks to make huge, quality of life decisions for myself.  I'm proud of that.  That doesn't mean, however, that I'm just hunkey-dorey about surgeries - they still scare me a tad bit - mostly for the pain associated with them.  When I think of the downside of having a surgery done, it always starts with thinking about the morning of surgery, and checking in to get prepped for surgery.  GOD I HATE that.  I hate the millions of questions, the constant verifying that yes, I am who I say I am, the cold room, the stupid garb, my husband looking kind of scared and yet bored, and most of all, GETTING THE IV PUT IN.  GOD I hate that part!  Like,.... I think I hate the IV placement worse than surgery.  I also hate the dry, dry mouth that comes after I wake up.  Usually they're encouraging me to drink, drink, drink.  Not sure that this time will be the same.
This time though, it's a bit different.  You see, all the other surgeries I've had were also elective.  And like this one, they gave the promise of a better life.  Some were little - clean-up of my knee, a bladder sling, and a tubal sterilization procedure.  I say little because there wasn't THAT much pain associated with it.  Two of those practically felt like I never had anything done.  A few others were really large surgeries - a knee reconstruction, a complete knee replacement, and a tummy tuck/breast reduction.  The knees HAD to be done - I couldn't walk anymore.  So I wasn't worried about making a decision that I'd regret in any way.  The tummy tuck / breast reduction was long anticipated, and I trusted my surgeon exquisitely - I wasn't worried that the job would be botched.  I did have large complications from that which made healing much more challenging, but I got over it.  THIS surgery though - this surgery is different than all of those.  Those made me look better, function better, be in less pain.  This can also do all those things.  But this is the only one that requires me to make a lifestyle commitment.  And I am trying to get my head around that.  I mean, if I'm just fine with committing to a low carb, low fat, high protein diet with portion control, I don't need a surgery to do that, right?  So,... what's going to change just because I can't put much in my stomach?  I know the portion control will pretty much handle itself.  So that's good.  But craving the foods won't change ONE.BIT, with this surgery.  So, what, exactly, am I committing to?  I think it's a fresh start.  It's a forced way of staying committed.  It's almost like saying, "I swear I'm so committed to not using my right arm that you may as well cut it off - because I don't plan on ever using it again.  It being gone will only help me stay committed to that."
I have made no lifestyle changes this entire time that I've jumped through all the pre-surgery hurdles.  Not.One.Iota.  Because I feel like I'm holding onto the right to eat the way I want right now - because that'll be gone soon.  That thought both scares and excites me.  Excites me because I don't want this big body as my shell anymore.  But scares me because I already know I'm no good at eating the way I should in order to lose weight.  So this isn't a magic bullet - I'm still going to WANT to eat the way I do now.  But I won't have the luxury of ever doing so again.  Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way.  I'm sure tomorrow will bring new realizations.