craziikid307

I had WLS in July 2015, gastric sleeve. Shortly before my surgery, it came to my attention that I had an overeating disorder. I went through with the surgery and lost 100lbs. I have regained 60lbs. I feel like a big, fat failure. I feel stuck inside of a broken mind. For the first 20 months after surgery, I was killin' it! Went to the gym 3-4 times a week, got a trainer, was cooking and eating well, monitored my intake of carbs and fats. I was so determined not to fail. But sometimes your mind is stronger than your will and desire to achieve something else. It was recommended to me to keep a notepad. I did this a few weeks prior to surgery and a few post-op. I was rereading my pre-op posts and I wrote, "I feel ready for this. I'm excited. But I can't help but feel like I'll eventually sabotage myself" My mind is broken and I don't know how to fix it. Now, I would consider myself about 80% suicidal. I'd rather be dead than be fat because my mind is broken. I feel so literally trapped in my body that I'd rather die than be fat for one more goddamn day. If I tell anyone this, I'm scared they're going to admit me. I don't want to end my life but I'm so sad and tired of hating myself that I don't know how else to get out. I don't understand how people love me, how my boyfriend says I look good. I feel like a giant, fat, slob who is so broken mentally that I am barely holding it together. Someone help me, please.

I had WLS in July 2015, gastric sleeve. Shortly before my surgery, it came to my attention that I had an overeating disorder. I went through with the surgery and lost 100lbs. I have regained 60lbs. I feel like a big, fat failure. I feel stuck inside of a broken mind. For the first 20 months after surgery, I was killin' it! Went to the gym 3-4 times a week, got a trainer, was cooking and eating well, monitored my intake of carbs and fats. I was so determined not to fail. But sometimes your mind is stronger than your will and desire to achieve something else. It was recommended to me to keep a notepad. I did this a few weeks prior to surgery and a few post-op. I was rereading my pre-op posts and I wrote, "I feel ready for this. I'm excited. But I can't help but feel like I'll eventually sabotage myself" My mind is broken and I don't know how to fix it. Now, I would consider myself about 80% suicidal. I'd rather be dead than be fat because my mind is broken. I feel so literally trapped in my body that I'd rather die than be fat for one more goddamn day. If I tell anyone this, I'm scared they're going to admit me. I don't want to end my life but I'm so sad and tired of hating myself that I don't know how else to get out. I don't understand how people love me, how my boyfriend says I look good. I feel like a giant, fat, slob who is so broken mentally that I am barely holding it together. Someone help me, please.