daveintx

McKinney area here.
Dr. Aaron Cernero @ Texoma Medical Center (Denison) performed sleeve. Class act. Five days post op and feel great.

To be CLEAR...wanting the same is wanting a healthier lifestyle...not the surgery..lol

We agreed to get healthy together and support one another. Maybe my post is a bit vague but I do love my wife. I do not however feel the same love coming in return as I am seeing her harm herself, I can however take accountability for what I do but if I am not getting her support and her taking accountability for her actions, how am I supposed to enjoy a healthy lifestyle with my spouse?

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.
Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

If I get attention, I don't realize it. I don't care because I am married. Grass might be greener but you still have to cut it!
I will keep the weight off. I did this for one reason, for my health.
No I don't have children with her.
After reading some of these posts and thinking about things, I will be giving her more time as I already have. I owe it to her, I want her to get healthy and enjoy life with me and not in and out of clinics with chronic illnesses due to obesity and nutrition. I didn't realize how life changing this would be and how mentally prepared I needed to be. I have seen a psychologist for 3 years and prepped for a year before the surgery about how this surgery would change me physically and mentally. He brought up the fact about making sure my marriage was solid, I didn't. I was "comfortable". It's something I didn't prepare for. I do know now, and know I need to focus on certain things beyond the given.
As for the earlier comment from another poster about being selfish. It made me laugh. Reality is we are all selfish in our own ways. Think about it seriously. We are. You have one life, live it. When we become cats and have 9 lives...I'll change my whole thought process.

Then I shall try and prove it!!

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.
Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

Without knowing her....maybe...she's depressed. You should know, as well as most of us, that when you reach that certain wt, you don't want to do anything. You just eat your comfort foods that are easy. You don't move. Don't exercise. And, if someone points out that you aren't or are doing these things, it makes it worse and you do it all even more. My spouse has never uttered a word to me about my weight, even when I'm sure I was an embarrassment to him. I was one to myself, surely I was to him.
If she's seeing you losing weight, it's making it worse on her. You can talk til you're blue in the face. If she's depressed with self hate, it's just going to make it all worse. Not sure what the answer is, except for her to know that you love her and will love her no matter what. If she feels threatened by you changing and leaving her, then what's there for her to change? She will just give up completely. Talk to her and show her as much love as you can. Tell her you want her along on this journey with you, just like she's been with you in everything else.

I am divorced from a miserable woman. She has deep seeded emotional issues from an alcoholic father who drank himself to death to get away from her and her mother. (what a pair).
I'll share a nugget my therapist told me, I live by these words.
"Is it better to take one big hurt now and get it over with, or suffer thousands of little ones before the end?"
Just something to ponder. And I feel for you. I suffered the thousands of little hurts before I attempted to end my life to get away from her. In fact had I not known military first aid I would have bled out. "Until death do us apart" meant a great deal to me back then. Now I am more zen about life. Best of luck in working this out.

Daveintx, what ever your trigger was, you tripped it, had the surgery, and are now travelling a new road. Make sure you keep this about yourself and your journey. I would give her time to see if she trips her trigger. My wife had lap band after I had my GBP. She gained most of her weight back. It's disappointing to me, but...I keep in mind that it is doubly defeating to her, having gained the weight back. She didn't give up on me when I was 305 pounds, even after we had spent 20 physically fit years in the Marine Corps, so I would not give up on her now. I think she'll come around, and I think your wife will too. Just set a good example. You can do this.

If I get attention, I don't realize it. I don't care because I am married. Grass might be greener but you still have to cut it!
I will keep the weight off. I did this for one reason, for my health.
No I don't have children with her.
After reading some of these posts and thinking about things, I will be giving her more time as I already have. I owe it to her, I want her to get healthy and enjoy life with me and not in and out of clinics with chronic illnesses due to obesity and nutrition. I didn't realize how life changing this would be and how mentally prepared I needed to be. I have seen a psychologist for 3 years and prepped for a year before the surgery about how this surgery would change me physically and mentally. He brought up the fact about making sure my marriage was solid, I didn't. I was "comfortable". It's something I didn't prepare for. I do know now, and know I need to focus on certain things beyond the given.
As for the earlier comment from another poster about being selfish. It made me laugh. Reality is we are all selfish in our own ways. Think about it seriously. We are. You have one life, live it. When we become cats and have 9 lives...I'll change my whole thought process.

Then I shall try and prove it!!

Marriage is a sacrifice, but not a total concession of your own individual life. The stories of the unsupportive spouse are plentiful on this site, but I think this is pretty novel. So, all I'll ask is, would you be okay if she had had surgery and you continued to have reservations and she started to have doubts about you because you were not running for the surgery? If there is a backstory to this, such as that you are interested in somebody else or that you are simply no longer in love, I understand that as well as the fact that you'd rather not talk about it here.
I hesitate to think that following somebody down the same medical path is part of any tacit or openly acknowledged agreement within the marriage contract. You don't want to cajole her down this path without examining whether it is even the right thing for her. You are an item, but you may be two very different people. It was clearly a great move for you (I am looking at your numbers), but it could be a physical and mental disaster for her, not to mention a huge emotional investment into something that will not benefit her because of her mindset.
Not asking for to run and get surgery. It is an individuals own decision to do so and I do not personally think she should get surgery. I know I took a drastic measure to obtain a healthier lifestyle due to my morbid obesity, but I just think support by wanting the same, as we have always spoke of and acknowledged each other on, would be greatness.

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.
Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

If I get attention, I don't realize it. I don't care because I am married. Grass might be greener but you still have to cut it!
I will keep the weight off. I did this for one reason, for my health.
No I don't have children with her.
After reading some of these posts and thinking about things, I will be giving her more time as I already have. I owe it to her, I want her to get healthy and enjoy life with me and not in and out of clinics with chronic illnesses due to obesity and nutrition. I didn't realize how life changing this would be and how mentally prepared I needed to be. I have seen a psychologist for 3 years and prepped for a year before the surgery about how this surgery would change me physically and mentally. He brought up the fact about making sure my marriage was solid, I didn't. I was "comfortable". It's something I didn't prepare for. I do know now, and know I need to focus on certain things beyond the given.
As for the earlier comment from another poster about being selfish. It made me laugh. Reality is we are all selfish in our own ways. Think about it seriously. We are. You have one life, live it. When we become cats and have 9 lives...I'll change my whole thought process.

You cannot change anyone but yourself. Accept your wife the way she is.

Just a quick comment to the OP -- good luck to you. This can be a toughie.
There are no absolute rules here that apply to all situations.
I also agree with @@coggietm -- we cannot change others. Only they can change themselves.
I will, however, say this: Everyone's actions (and their inactions) have consequences.

You cannot be responsible for anyone else's health. As an grown woman she knows her choices are destructive. Some people do that as a self defense or lack of self worth. Now she is afraid that you will start to explore your new life of health and looking better. You have to do what is the best thing for you now, having weight loss surgery is not a picnic, it's not the easy way out as some like to say, I had to explain to my husband how I needed his support and even though I did that he had a difficult time not trying to feed me. He was a life long feeder. He however was not overweight. We went through many discussions and he finally realized what he was doing. He became my biggest supporter . He experienced his own health issues in the past few years and I lost him in October. We were married 39 years and I sometimes wish he was here trying to feed me.. lol , not really but if you love each other enough you can overcome this. You however have to keep on your program, focus on your health and pray that she will decide to do the same. Explain to her that you love her and would like for her to live with you until old age but want her to be healthy and happy.

If I get attention, I don't realize it. I don't care because I am married. Grass might be greener but you still have to cut it!
I will keep the weight off. I did this for one reason, for my health.
No I don't have children with her.
After reading some of these posts and thinking about things, I will be giving her more time as I already have. I owe it to her, I want her to get healthy and enjoy life with me and not in and out of clinics with chronic illnesses due to obesity and nutrition. I didn't realize how life changing this would be and how mentally prepared I needed to be. I have seen a psychologist for 3 years and prepped for a year before the surgery about how this surgery would change me physically and mentally. He brought up the fact about making sure my marriage was solid, I didn't. I was "comfortable". It's something I didn't prepare for. I do know now, and know I need to focus on certain things beyond the given.
As for the earlier comment from another poster about being selfish. It made me laugh. Reality is we are all selfish in our own ways. Think about it seriously. We are. You have one life, live it. When we become cats and have 9 lives...I'll change my whole thought process.

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.
Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

Then I shall try and prove it!!

I am so happy to hear this. Some people take the easy way out, but it sounds like you have really done your "homework" ! Good for you. Congratulations on your weight loss and wishing you the best with your wife.

@@daveintx this has been an interesting line of discussion - and I think has done its job of getting you to think through and re-evaluate some pretty serious stuff. When we marry, we take on a partner who goes through our life's journey with us. None of ever really realizes when we marry what we will go through together - yet in the end if we love each other we will make it through. You are right in realizing that you have been prepared for this in many ways that she has not. Breathe in and breathe out. Love is patient, Love is kind..... I pray that the rest of your journey is a smooth one filled with joy of discovery and re-discovery.

Maybe constantly seeing you happy will trigger something in her to want to get healthy too. It is obvious that keeping to your routine will create parallel lifestyles for both of you. Give her time and see if she will be motivated by your changing lifestyle. Good luck and keep taking care of yourself.

If I get attention, I don't realize it. I don't care because I am married. Grass might be greener but you still have to cut it!
I will keep the weight off. I did this for one reason, for my health.
No I don't have children with her.
After reading some of these posts and thinking about things, I will be giving her more time as I already have. I owe it to her, I want her to get healthy and enjoy life with me and not in and out of clinics with chronic illnesses due to obesity and nutrition. I didn't realize how life changing this would be and how mentally prepared I needed to be. I have seen a psychologist for 3 years and prepped for a year before the surgery about how this surgery would change me physically and mentally. He brought up the fact about making sure my marriage was solid, I didn't. I was "comfortable". It's something I didn't prepare for. I do know now, and know I need to focus on certain things beyond the given.
As for the earlier comment from another poster about being selfish. It made me laugh. Reality is we are all selfish in our own ways. Think about it seriously. We are. You have one life, live it. When we become cats and have 9 lives...I'll change my whole thought process.