sgc

Let's be honest, it depends on how attractive you are. It's also easier if you are female. All sites have good quality people. As an unattractive male, I used Bumble the most. I never get responses on eHarmony or Match so at least with Bumble I don't have to put in any effort and get the same results. The one site where women actually approached me was OkCupid but those were transgenders and dominatrix.

Ultimately, the best site is petfinder.com. Found my soulmate there.

11 hours ago, Jezzabelle360 said:

Just be yourself. My perfect date is someone I could make it through a date gone awry with. If the actual date itself goes to **** but we're both laughing it off and the conversation is good, he asks me questions so I feel like he's interested in me and he's sharing some of himself so that I don't feel really vulnerable I like that. It feels real. You're really just making a new friend and if you click and the chemistry is there than it will organically grow. Some people are socially more awkward maybe. You day you're struggling to even get responses? Maybe you have a friend of the opposite sex that can look over your profile or go on a fake date with you to curb some of that but honestly I think the right person will just like you for who you are. I went on a fake date with a guy friend and he told me I was to laid back and willing to pay and open my own doors and that I needed to make a man do those things because that's how I'd know a man respected me... I personally don't want to think that much and I do like when guys do those things because it makes me feel special and kind of girly even though I'm fairly independent bit I also like to reciprocate because we're all human and want to feel valued and cared for...so like I said at the very beginning just be yourself. Be genuine and be kind.

Sent from my LG-Q710AL using BariatricPal mobile app

Being myself doesn't work. It's been two years since that post and nothing has changed. Still get a very low response rate to my messages, less than 1%. Women also don't initiate contact with me. Once that do answer my initial message tend to disappear quickly. I'm not very likeable with below average looks. I'm in my mid 30's so I've accepted my fate.

On 3/16/2019 at 11:24 AM, FluffyChix said:

Ok, so it's official. You have issues you need to work on. They live INSIDE your head, not in reality. You likely have body dysmorphia.

You are a handsome guy! Seriously. I've never seen you before. And if I was young and single, I'd date ya at least once based solely on your looks. Now go. Run. Do. Work on your self-esteem and getting rid of that horribly unattractive chip on your shoulder!

Thanks for sharing.

I've done the photofeeler thing. I know where I stand. The picture doesn't show the mess underneath. It's even worse. I guess I never thought I was that bad that women wouldn't even talk to me much less go on a date.

Bumble may not be a good option either. Women are definitely out of my league there. Lots of doctors and lawyers. Only one so far has swiped right and she was a transsexual.

I know I've posted the pics somewhere around here before. It was back in a time when there was more optimism. I went and wasted money on plastic surgery to have a body lift.

34 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

Well, sorry you got it rough, dude. But as an innocent bystander looking on, until you OWN your own reality and step out from it, you are not gonna see improvement. I also get strong overtones that you enjoy victimhood and see very definite misogynistic signals. But I'm not a therapist nor do I play one on the internet.

What are these misogynistic signals? When have I not owned my own reality? I have stated more than once my lack of responses is based on my own undesirablity and unattractiveness. (Uh oh, is this victimhood?) Lets face it. There are people more desirable than others. I spent my adult life eating and now the effects of that are playing out.

19 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

Be your own advocate and ask to see a male doc, change your meds until you find a mix that works. I think you have some misogynistic issues to work through. You need talk therapy, behavioral interventions AND medication.

Also, exercise, sun, outdoors, pets, and comedies/laughter are all things in addition to eating a good diet that are in your direct control and are all potential as powerful as antidepressants.

I have a cat. I prefer female doctors over male doctors. At work I have no problem communicating with women. I tend not to find common interest in men. My doctors thinks I exercise too much as she says I may be too skinny now. I live in Michigan. You get the sun when you can this time of year.

2 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

Dude. You. Need. To. See. A. Counselor.

Done. She gave me drugs that don't appear to be working.

8 hours ago, sideeye said:

I’m going to go ahead and say don’t even sign up for Bumble. You’re stuck in a cycle of reinforcing preconceived notions and now you’re talking about doing things that are pretty much ensured to validate your pessimism. It’s like if I said that I don’t like movies anymore and proved it by going to see a movie in a genre I hate. Full stop on dating - focus on yourself for a while.

Good luck.

I haven't dated in a couple years. That's the problem. I've already taken time off. Getting older and getting back into ot isn't working. With Bumble, the profiles are short and to the point, I don't have to try to think up of some clever opening messaging, and the most effort I need to put in is swiping. I canceled my other subscriptions. Just running out the clock on those. I already made a connection on Bumble but of course no message as of yet.

I'm going to try Bumble. Instead of me putting in the effort and getting rejected, I'll let women come to me. I'm not expecting to get any messages but I won't be extolling a lot of effort only to get ignored. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do. Not sure why I'm swiping right or left if the woman is suppose to make the move. I guess I could read the app but that requires more effort than I'm willing to put in.

Yeah I've read those articles before. I started off two years ago thinking that way. As the rejections mounted, the less interested I became and the more I realized my undesirablity ran deeper than my weight.

Want to know the ironic thing here? I hadn't been around this forum for a while until I got an email saying I had a new private message. It was from a woman who saw a post of mine in the singles forum. I messaged her back and of course no response.

2 hours ago, sideeye said:

In my case it’s code for “don’t take a photo in a smudgy mirror under fluorescent light while staring blankly at the phone screen”. Of course I only tag guys I find attractive, but... that should not be a surprise? A good written profile is part of the equation too. I mean, does anyone select people on dating apps they don’t think they’d want to kiss? Hell, I dismiss adorable guys who socially smoke because I’m not making out with an ashtray, no matter how nice their hair is.

So getting back to the root of the issue: Not sure what to tell you here, so I’m going to go with the slightly-tough-love angle. From my perspective, I just shared my experience on dating sites as a woman and you kind of moved through that list dismissing each point as though I’m the outlier, despite the fact that I am a genuine member of the pool where you’re fishing and your data are gained secondhand at best. You sound convinced that you’re in some sort of victim role in dating apps, being done wrong by women who “get away” with something (a massive red flag for women who have to deal with too much “red pill” crap in everyday life and don’t want it to be part of their dating life too) and men who are outcompeting you. By the way, I think you’re being way too cavalier about how women experience these apps. “It’s easier for women to be selective”... in what universe?! Do you mean out of the galaxy of d**k pics sent their way? Or the men who say hi, follow that up with a question about what you wear in bed, and then instantly call you a b***h when you cut off that line of conversation? And don’t for a second think that less-attractive women have it “easier” than unattractive men - let me know when men get completely unsolicited incoming chats that exist solely to inform them of how ugly/fat/old/whorish they are, in the sender’s opinion. And that’s the first message! Just free, unsolicited feedback the more out-of-conventional-attractiveness bounds you go.

I also don’t get this fixation on the other guys, because what exactly are you going to do about them other than stew? Can you knock them off the app? No. Can you emulate them? Sure, but if you don’t match that emulation in person it’ll fall apart fast. And you are not going to be dating any of the guys, so why waste energy obsessing over them? What’s the point?

Here’s the thing - I can live without consuming fish. I am totally good without fish. So if I walk into a sushi restaurant and nothing looks appetizing, I am going to walk right back out. Now, admittedly, we may have different priorities: I do not long for human companionship when I get home from work each night, and my biological clock is not ticking like a bomb. My core life objectives do not include “get married” or “have kids”. I am deeply unwilling to settle for a so-so partner so I can achieve a wedding and a baby. The math may be different for people who have other priorities, can’t speak for them.

I can’t emphasize enough that internalizing a victim role is like swallowing a poison. It spreads through everything you do and say, and while you may not think it shows outwardly, it is very perceptible to others and no one wants to explore romantic possibilities with someone who’s mired in a victim mindset, especially when that person views women as the perpetrators of that victimhood. It’s not too much to say that it’s a survival instinct for women.

Your current situation isn’t women’s fault. It’s not the app’s fault. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just what it is. What’s more fundamental is changing your self-perception from “damaged goods” to something that doesn’t need outside validation to become whole. A huge part of attractiveness is finding another person who is already mostly complete, so when you team up you just augment each other. Few people want to get into a relationship where they’re aware going in that the other person is looking for them to make up their shortcomings, because that means the other person has identified their own shortcomings and basically gone “eh, I don’t want to work on this, I’m going to outsource the work and emotional burden of this onto someone else”. Run screaming from these people.

And that’s me off my soapbox. Well, except to say that the VacayBoo is a guy I met at a professional event, so get offline when you can. It probably helped that I was not remotely thinking about finding a boyfriend at the time (I was actually trying to con someone out of event swag), and we just had a normal conversation that turned into dinner (which, by the way, I thought was just a convenient “let’s meet up and eat” and then he showed up wearing a button-down and I’m in a hoodie like some sort of vagrant). So - as annoying as this advice sounds, just get out there and talk to people.

Men get criticized and labeled as shallow of they judge women based on looks. Similarly, men get rejected constantly based on looks and are suppose to deal with it.

I never said I was some sort of victim done wrong by women. I've stated before that I am unattractive and undesirable. I was commenting to the fact that somehow a high quality picture of my ugliness is going to make a difference. I'm not really obsessing over other men. Just stating I don't compare favorably to other men. Women will get many more messages from men. Sure a lot will be bad but they will have more choices. I wish women sent me nude pictures. It would be better than nothing. One of the few messages I got was from a dominatrix calling me a b***h. I almost responded back. I've never once commented about a woman's looks. Never once sent a message saying she was a b***h for not responding. I may start messaging about looks. I have nothing else to lose.

Now this sushi restaurant. You are going to walk out and starve? Not going to a different restaurant? Make a meal at home? Rifle through the dumpster?

Been on this road for a couple of years now with no success. Had plenty of rest. I'm damaged goods at this point.

On 3/3/2019 at 8:01 PM, sideeye said:

If it helps, I can tell you what made me pick him out of a lineup on Bumble: good photos (not mirror-selfies, with good lighting, photos that had been taken by another person or possibly by a tripod I guess), self-confident conversation when we texted, good sense of communication boundaries, seemed witty, we had similar interests. That’s what made me contact him. The number one thing I avoid in these profiles is any sense that I am going to have to spend the date cosplaying as the guy’s therapist. Stuff like “I just got out of a long term relationship”, “hoping someone will see my true value”, any vibe of self-pity or “prove you’re worth it”? I run like the damn wind. I have enough issues with the patriarchy without having to coax someone along during a first date.

He probably does have other dates lined up. Good luck to those ladies, because I had no qualms about throwing this particular fish back. But seriously - don’t focus on the other guys. They don’t matter to you, at all. They do not stand between you and women, and it’s not a good use of your time to focus on them.

I can’t speak for all women of course, but I do not open my dating app and think “I will contact five of the men on this app” and rate them against each other to select those five. I just select the guys who appeal to me. There’s no competition between the guys for me, never crossed my mind to think that way. I just contact the guys I like, based on the contents of their profile. Focus on presenting the most appealing (and truthful, obviously) version of you. And then be confident that you are likeable just the way you self-represented.

Make sense?

Good photos is a code word for attractiveness. Women can get away with saying that. In ugly person is still ugly no matter how good the photo is. None of my photos are selfies. I guess technically they are since I used a tripod. It's easier for a woman to be more selective since they have options. If you sent out about 400 emails and received one date, I'm sure you would be less inclined to throw that fish back into the Water. I am competing for with other guys. One of the very few women who actually chose to respond to me said she chose another guy. You say you choose the guy and yet I'm not suppose to worry about other guys?

On 3/1/2019 at 12:03 AM, sideeye said:

Been on around five dates - only one hilariously dumb, the others were 6 or 7 out of 10.

But I am really busy and exhausted so frankly I’m not really following up on anything below an 8 (and I’m talking date quality here, not attractiveness). No one sparked enough yet to make me WANT to pursue date two. I may go on another date with an EMT, but he’s borderline as well....

What I will say is that dating has stopped being a terrifying trial. That plus not needing to recharge my introvert batteries as much has made this all much easier. I don’t have to hype myself up anymore, it’s just going out for a drink. The playing field feels a lot more balanced.

I am THRILLED to hear a Bumble guy is working out for you! Keep us posted!

I wouldfeel to intimidated to ask to fool around on the first date. This guy probably gets many dates and women keep complaining about him. I think he is what women want.

Good lord, why would you read that tale and come away thinking he’s what women want? He got one date. I listened to him yammer, then never contacted him again. So no, unlikely to be what women want - he looked good on paper, but in person he washed out.

But you did go out with him once. He probably had other dates lines up as well. I can't even get a woman to respond to any of my messages, much less a date. He didn't reel you in but he probably has others.

Oh and I forgot, my results so far. One woman responded last night to two of the five canned questions but did not ask me any questions. This morning I noticed she's moved on and blocked me so WTF? Why respond to two questions and then immediately block me? I'm guessing she was drunk. Perhaps I dodged a bullet.

13 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Nice hack! Let us know how it turns out!!!

Not expecting much. Still need personality and looks, neither of which I possess.

12 hours ago, sideeye said:

Spent two hours mildly tolerating a navel-gazing, pseudo-intellectual, self-satisfied Peter Pan who then called after me as I left “Call me if you want to hang out, or fool around!”

On one hand, this was such an absurd thing to say to a first date that it had me snickering all the way home. But on the other hand - anyone not wanting to jump back into the dating pool because guys won’t want to sleep with you? Not going to be a problem.

...and no, I will not be calling him.

I always hear these stories and yet I can't even get a response to my message let alone a date. I would feel to intimidated to ask to fool around on the first date. This guy probably gets many dates and women keep complaining about him. I think he is what women want.

I came up with a new strategy. I have been on eHarmony which feeds you a handful of new matches every day. They have their own canned ice breakers. I'm just going to message every single new match each day. If one responds back, I'll check out their profile and see if I'm interested. It's basically using eHarmony like Tinder.

19 hours ago, Oct517 said:

Because at the end of the day, most of us want more than a cat and I'm not talking to two cats or a dog.
A lot of people do not respond on dating websites after liking someone because the message you have sent is not original. If a women is recieving a lot messages, a lot if the time she will only respond to the ones that are the most interesting, not the generic "Hi. How are you?"
Dont let the the process get you down! I firmly believe the right person is out there for everyone. Theres a whole lot of people in this world and it ridiculous to think there is no one out there that vibes with you! I wish you the best!

Sent from my SM-G960U using BariatricPal mobile app

I was spending hours trying to create a message by pulling things from her profile. I have as much personality as Napoleon Dynamite and below average looks. I'm surprised the cat even responds to me. Spent my 20's and high school days being overweight and avoiding people. Now approaching my mid 30's, just can't jump back into this. It is what it is. Should have done something sooner. I genuinely don't know if I want something more than a cat. He gives me massages and back talk. All I need.

17 hours ago, Oct517 said:

If you dont put any effort in, you'll wind up with women who dont take any effort to get..aka the bottom of the barrel

Sent from my SM-G960U using BariatricPal mobile app

I put effort in for two years and got nothing. The final straw came when I get likes on my profiles and yet they wouldn't respond to my messages. I then asked myself what's the point? I can just get a cat and be done with it.

I've given up. Now I get the occasional woman who will like my profile. I then message her and she ignores me. I don't have the social skills necessary to meet people in real life. I've tried Match, eHarmony and OKCupid. Combined I've sent hundreds of messages. Sticking with eHarmony since they have canned questions to send. Don't feel like putting the effort in. On OKCupid, I was messaged by a professional dominatrix. I was tempted.

I think it's easier for women. I have messaged about 300 women and got a response on less than 10 and no dates. I have concluded I am undesirable, at least relative to the competition. I would waste so much time poring over their profiles and trying to come up with clever messages only for them to be read and ignored. Now I hardly message. When I do, it's a copy and paste message. I also only message the most attractive profiles. If I get a response, which I have yet to, I'll go back and read their profile to determine if they are crazy. If they are, I'll simply ignore them.

Two years ago today I had the surgery. I weighed in at the hospital at 389 pounds. I started the two week diet at 420 pounds so I lost 31 pounds on the two week diet. I now weigh 189 so I lost exactly 200 pounds. I had gotten into the 160's. My doctor actually told me to gain weight. Been sitting in the upper 180's or lower 190's for a while now.

I guess it should be no surprise I raised a lazy obese cat. For some reason, I see myself in the cat. I don't think he can jump as high as the other cats so he probably gets left out by the other cats. He also gets excited when he gets fed.

Women didn't like me before and don't like me skinny so that can only mean one thing. The size of the packaging doesn't matter if what's inside is damaged goods.

I've had opposite success. I did manage two dates through online dating at over 400 pounds. At 170 pounds, nothing. Now I wonder if I'm too skinny.