Agnot

Green, Thanks for the post. I appreciate it. I am very glad you have overcome in spite of the challenges you have had to face. Congrats on your 24 years. You sound like a very strong individual in many ways. You are quite perceptive in your writing. It's true I have cleaned, cooked, wiped noses, shopped, served as well as all of the functions of the "man of the house" and a very successful IT career and business. I am very much a man, but the situation required me to play a dual role of Father/Mother to my children. I hate the disease not my wife. I think sometimes all you can do is simply show the person you are there for the duration. Having said that, necessity has also required me to be the gatekeeper, hold the boundries no matter how severely my wife would try to cross them. You understand what I mean when I say " You aint seen a tamtrum until you see an adult with noe boundaries throw one!" My wife has been in medication / therapy now for 5+ years. You are very correct about the medications, which are a rollercoaster ride in and of themselves. As with the lapband issue, I will somwhow deal with this as well.. I feel almost embarassed about dumping that out on everyone. I think I just long sometimes for someone I would "give" emotionally, spiritually even sexually. Never give up hope. Take Care, Agnot Banded 11/19/07:)

BJean, Thank you for your kind response! It has been a bit draining but, for the most part, my children (16,20) are really great people, thank God. I have taught them not personalize and be drawn into their mother's behaviour. I have repeatedly tried to explain that the dark place where she grew up is not now. As strange as it sounds, so far my wife would rather live in that past. I wholeheartedly agree with you that life is one big jumbled up mess to be enjoyed an savored whereever you find yourself. Life is good and I look forward to all of its surprises. Your childhod is part of that wonderful adventure, in spite of the trials. Thanks again for your kind words, I really appreciate it. Take care, Agnot Banded 11/19/07:)

Cathy, Thank you for your kind respponse! That is very perceptive of you, recognizing the BPD, thanks. I am hoping with the 5+ years of therapy and medication she can get better. It is my hope that I can get my wife to a place where she can let me know truly how she feels, from a place of reason. So I may know whether it is time time start again or continue on. Over the years I have heard everything from "I only married you to get out of the (abusive) house",to "I love you" in the next breath. As for personal feelings, they are sometimes tough to sort out, since there are also tha matters of love, honor, duty an integrity to consider. I sometimes must leave to a someoine greater than myself. Thank you all for your kindness, it has really helped. Take Care, Agnot Banded 11/19/07:)

Ghost, Thank you for the kind response. You are right on the money! I have lived through infidelity, Bankrupty, physical abuse, verbal abuse, even sexual abuse. In each case, my wife either stating at the time or later that she was hoping that would be the "thing" to make me finally leave and please dont leave almost in the same breath. I would be lying if I said I have not questioned a million times should I break and try to find someone who acted like they loved me in return. Having said this, I also know it is the right thing to stay. I have lost dramatic weight before, resulting in an acting out from my wife due to fear of abandonment. It is my hope this time that the medication /therapy will curtail this. Personally, I don not know if I can take another sexual / other indiscretion. I will leave that to one greater than myself. I wish you continued healing with your fears and feelings. I can assure you there is ALWAYS hope. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you putting yourself out there like that. Like I've said earlier, I believe you are giving what you need to face any situation! I feel better since beginning the lapband journey amd look forward to even better days! Take Care, Agnot Banded 11/19/07

Nina, Thanks for the post, you are very kind! I have my wife in a medication / couseling regimen for 5 years now ,with two hospitalizations over the period. I understand ( a necessity!) the role of enabler and must constantly be conscious of the tendency to be "drawn in" to the problem, even through an act of love as strange as that sounds. Your very correct about the stones, you must learn to love even when it is not reciprocated. Early on I did think love could make it alright and conquer all. I have since learned that while I still believe this true I now know it can take a lifetime, but still worth the effort. I am commited to protecting my children and must , even against their own mother many times (i.e. Mommie Dearest). However, I hope that my choice to remain will teach the value of family, however dysfunctional Thanks for the kind words regarding vows....but I made a promise not only to my but some even larger that us.. with his help we'll stay the course Take care, Agnot Banded 11/19/07:)

Hang in there rrod0991..There's nothing that says that relationships won't be messy and complicated (my wife was abused by her father while in the military over a period of 10 years, when I met her!) Nobody outside of a situation like yours can completely understand all of your challenges. as long as you guys love one another and are willing to work at it, I can almost guarantee your situation will improve! Take care, Agnot Banded 11/19/07 :whoo:

Julie, Thank You, I am always encouraged when I see outpouring of kindness an concern such as yours. God Bless you. I am very familiar with the marriage encounter weekends and think they are great! I do not mean to complain here at all. I believe that we are to lift up one another instead of bringing each other down. I would very much like to try this, however my wife is not to the place (OCD, borderline personality disorder, depression and others) where she could effectively participate. I have had to learn to step back and look at things from another point of view, even a distorted one, over the years. In most cases, I can deal pretty well. The problem is uncertainly and fear of abondonment is a BIG trigger for my wifes anti-social acting out with borderline personality disorder. Regardless of what I might say or do, this whole thing might start again out of perceived feelings. I do beleive you are equipted to carry whatever load is given you and everything works for good. This has been my life experience. I wish the best for everyone. Agnot Banded 11/19/07

Hey Guys! I'm a brand new "Bander",11/19/07. I have lost 35 lbs since the start of the process and feel great! I have Blue cross Blue shield and also went through Dr Osofka's group at St. Mary. To date, everything has been paid for except a 100.00 deuctible! Also,even at the seminar it is mentioned that BC/BS coverage will grt sort of expedited treatment. If you have BC/BS I would at least look into it. Hope this helps!!

My heart goes out to you guys. I am a man who has been married to the love of his life for 25 years (since age 19). Unfortunately my wife was abused as a child and has developed a plethera of emotional/ physchological problems because of it. There is virtually no intimacy in our marriage. My wife has been unfaithful on multiple occasions and mostly unresponsive or perpentually angry to me and our children. While I have accepted that this is an outgrowth from the emotional / physchological problems she has, and take my vows "in sickness and health" and "till death" seriously, I am faced with a new dilemma I need your help with, please. Since my lapbanding on 11/19/07 ( I have lost 35 LBS since the process began in September!! WOOHOO!! Thank You God!!) I am now facing a new problem with my wife constantly asking am I going to leave now, will I love her now, etc.. I have never cheated on my wife, and understanding her root problems of fear of abandonment I am very sensitive to these feelings. However, the abhorent behaviour is increasing as well my increased feelings of isolation and loneliness... Can anyone Help?