loopylou

Most of you know I am in the process of getting divorced. We are still living in the same house and will be for the next 3 weeks until I finish up my job and move to Sydney. Well today things hit a bit of a snag. Initially when I said I wanted to leave I told hubby I would like $3.60 (amounts have been changed to protect the innocent), but would settle for $3.00 and he agreed. Then when it looked like things were really going to end (I always knew they were but I dont know if hubby did) he secretly went to see a lawyer, and reneged on our agreement, he came back with an offer of $1.80, moving costs and health insurance for a year. I didn't want to fight so I said I would accept $2.10 and the other costs. He had it all drawn up and told me to take it in to another lawyers to get signed. So today I had my appointment and the solicitor refused to sign it as he believed it was unfair (this guy is legal aid so I dont think he is milking the situation) he said he was thinking more along the lines of the original agreement ($3.00). I told all this to hubby as soon as I got out and he has gone beserk!! He said I should have demanded he signed it and then signed another waiver to say I wouldn't sue the lawyer for not doing his job properly (I didn't even know you could do such a thing). He's been crying, throwing things, threatening to throw me out (and the cat on the street) and accusing me of being out for his money. I dont understand it. I didn't ask the lawyer to try for more money, I really wanted him to say it was ok as is and leave it at that. I dont know what to do... I think things are starting to turn nasty and I really dont want that, but I also feel like hubby is trying to blackmail me into sticking with his agreement. He really could do some damage - I wouldn't have anyway to get to work so I could lose my job, I would only be able to take what I could carry so I would have to leave all my stuff behind - I dont care about furniture and stuff, but I have artworks and many many books. I dont want to rip hubby off but I am interested in what my lawyer thinks is fair - is that really so wrong? Hubby is making a song and dance about me reneging on our agreement - but he did the very same thing, and honestly, if my solicitor thought it was fair and signed the agreement I would have too. Any advice???

How beautiful.

Thankyou Deb Thankyou. This is a language I understand, to me, this is honest. This is looking under all the crap and finding what food means to us. For me it means - independence, acceptance and soothing. And until I can change this set up in my brain I will have to fight every step of the way to lose weight - because ultimately I am fighting myself. I need to redefine what food means to me. I was talking to my psychologist today and saying how I eat or cut myself when I am trying to say "HEAR ME!!!" What I need to do is start saying the things I need to say rather than swallowing them. She encouraged me to think of food and razor blades as similar items - items I use to squash myself, quiet myself and ultimately hurt myself. I need freedom from those around me - controlling parents and hubby - but also from within myself. As much as they squash me I also squash myself when I choose to reach for that second helping or the razor blade instead of speaking my mind. So I want to say thankyou to you all for listening because this thread has been very healing for me - I have said some things I normally wouldn't say. I always wanted to be "the nice girl", "the kind girl" and to do that I have had to eat and swallow all that is in me that is not nice or kind. So thankyou all for giving me room to be not-so-nice and allowing me to feel the power of saying what I need to say instead of eating my words (literally). Loulou

Thanks Susan and Jaqui, Kelli you make a good point about immaturity - but still seem to be toting the party line. Deb - yup already there, saw her today. Kathy I thanks you for your words and I understand how Christ helps at these times (I used to be a born-again Christian myself and still look back at those days with longing - even though I know I can no longer believe.) And yes Sarah venting has made my feel somewhat better but I still feel that people are treating this rather too shallowly - I disagree with Jaquie when she says the not everyone who is over weight has "underlying issues". I think we do, unless perhaps like Vines there is an underlying metabolic disorder. We are all addicts. And like all addicts we are running from pain - 20 pounds you can put down to bad lifestyle choices, but to get MO - man we are in some serious pain.

Thanks Susan - must run now though I am late for work. I didn't mean to come down hard on Deb - I think she just caught the major blast of my frustration - sorry deb!!

And Susan thanks for your calm response - I guess I thought I would find some kindred feeling here!!!! (or as you put it 'someone who really understands my struggle') - I already see a psychologist already who keeps me (mostly) sane; it was fellow feeling that I was looking for thats all. But thanks for your positive energy - It is appreciated. And no I am not after a 'pity-party', I am just waving from the bottom of the barrel and looking for someone who truly 'gets' what I am going though down here, even if they are not down here with me.

Deb - but why do we want to consume too much?? Please dont take this personally (I am sure you were just saying what others were thinking) but... when someone says to me "just eat less" I'm sorry but that tends to make me angry. I have spent thirty years trying to lose weight not thirty minutes!! Of course I need to cut down what I am eating - do you think I'm an idiot??? A nurse said to me once "just put a little less on your plate" - I balled for an hour and eventually had to be sedated!! I am here with my heart and guts hanging out and the best advice is 'eat less' - well I'm sorry that aint going to cut it. Doesn't anyone understand my frustration here!!??! The food is a symptom, not the problem!!!?! I dont eat because I have no willpower - I eat because if I dont I am cutting my arm with a razor blade to cover the pain that not-eating reveals!! I know you guys aren't psychologists but *$#&*#@ doesn't someone else get this?? I dont want someone to tell me what to do, I want a discussion on what we can do now (surely I am not alone here) - ok we are here we are banded and all this emotional crap is coming up like vomit and ...."just eat less" - I dont *$&@*@# think so!!! Look weight loss is the last thing on my mind here, I just want the pain to stop. I am looking for people with hearts and blood and messy feelings not little automatrons with rule books. Does anyone hear me?? I mean really hear me??

all hail da Queen!!:humble:

thanks girls - things have indeed been rough, and yes I am in mourning already and it has started the doubts creeping in, but I have not let them get a foothold and I wont. I'm gonna make it!!! (can I borrow your quote for a while Mandy?)

Susan, I hope you do wonderfully and I hear what you are saying. I guess I am just facing my disappointment at realising that I will never be thin without following somebody elses rules. I feel ripped off by my doctor who did not tell me the truth before he banded me and I feel upset when I am reminded of that here on the forum. The last thing in the world I want is for people to feel bad for succeeding. But I think we are too quick to point people to "the rules" rather than attempting to begin healing some of those emotional scars that make us eat in the first place. I am not failing because I lack will-power, I am failing because I have been so damaged that eating into oblivion is the only thing that makes the pain stop - all the rules in the world aren't gonna fix that. So what is? What now? I guess I feel we sometimes use "the rules" as a bandaid, rather than trying to heal the real problem - the pain we are trying to cover with by eating. It seems a little shallow to point someone in the direction of "the rules" when they are almost suicidal with emotional pain. I dont know what the alternative is, but I know we won't find it that way. Perhaps you are right and I should never have been banded - but I have, so now what??

Thanks Desi - I was writing while you posted