pxinaz

Thank you, all. First off, I'm going to take some time for me today, and he will just have to deal.
I certainly did not pressure him into the surgery. I told him I would support his decision either way. I had concerns about his ability to handle it, but I let him figure it out without my influence. food has always been the love of his life, his mistress, his whore. I helped him see that.
To others, he's happy and outgoing. Yes, he's been whiny and full of woe to them recently, but I'm bearing the brunt. Like any married couple, we have our ups and downs. But even prior to surgery, he was verbally cruel. I recently got sick with a UTI at a party, and it escalated so fast, I was crying.
He was furious that we had to leave early and yelled at me for crying and embarrassing him, ruining his fun, always faking it. He continued to rant at the ER, where I eventually got a rocephin shot. The UTI went into my kidneys and I was so sick...but he would not let up.
I'm tired of all of it. His new line is 'after all I give you' and he knows just how to push my buttons.
I do see my own counselor, but have never met his. I need to summon the courage to tell his bariatric team exactly what is going on. He sees them this Wednesday, and it's time for him to face reality.
It's immensely comforting to hear that his refusal to get up is not the norm. Best of luck with your journeys.

I feel so bad for you. Your husband is clearly taking advantage and going over board. I personally feel that you are going to have to show him some tough love and hold him accountable for his own self and progress. I wish you the best.

God bless you , you have your hands fullill pray for you that he will change

My husband had VGS surgery nine days ago. He had complications due to some of his comorbidities, and spent six nights in the hospital instead of one. While he is happy to no longer be hungry, I'm concerned about his unwillingness to follow the rules of his program.
He refuses to walk. Even in the hospital, where walking every two hours was mandatory, he refused to budge. He walks to the bathroom and back to his recliner, and that's it. The rest of the time, he bellows out his demands, 24/7. Bring men Jello, bring me ice, bring me Water, come clean up my mess, get me a Protein Shake.
While I am sympathetic and want to be comforting, my suggestions that he could get up or even reach for something have been met with rage. He is furious that he feels so bad. My telling him to walk off the pain has generated more anger.
He ridiculed the nutrition instructors and actually walked out of his post op class. Now he expects me to keep track of his needs. And those comorbidities that caused problems in the OR? He still refuses to handle them.
I've been screamed at, yelled at, belittled, and cursed. How can I help him to get himself together so he can work on living with this new tool? And how do I protect myself?
I have several severe autoimmune diseases, am a cancer survivor, and I live in constant severe pain. Normally I'm on heavy narcotics but right now I'm limiting my pain meds in order to drive him to his appointments. He is not supportive of my issues. Because I'm on a biologic drug for my arthritis, I'm susceptible to infection, so I worry about having to handle clean up when he gets sick. I do it, but I worry about the risks.
His surgeon actually suggested he go to a rehab facility after he left the hospital. He refused. How do I get him up and moving again?

Please understand that I'm not angry or on the attack...I simply could not process the comments that felt harsh. I say this now because other new partners may be walking thru the same hell.
Was it abuse? Absolutely. Will I address it? Oh yes I will and am...I have my own therapist. I'm encouraging my husband to get his own.
I'm grateful for all the support, truly. And I'm eager to see what happens next.

So we are a little over a month out. He's lost 60 pounds...and is slowly returning to earth. Has it been perfect? No.
He's acknowledged how awful he's been. It's a start. I will never forget the things that were said, but this is my life, and I'm moving forward. He is too. I've urged him to get help dealing with the anger and loss.
For all those who considered me a doormat or codependent or a wuss, your harsh words weren't helpful, but thank you for standing up for those who cannot express the horror of abuse.
For those who said hang in there and let me cry a bit on your online shoulders, thank you for granting me acceptance and peace. It helped me lead myself out of the woods.
Here I am...it does get better.

Give it time and give yourself plenty of space. I went through pure hell as the wife of a sleeve patient. He was cruel beyond comprehension, as I shared in my first post last month.
He's better now. Perfect, no, but I can live with this. He's cooperating with his docs, he's following his plan, and he's learning to negotiate a whole new world. He's still angry, but he's moving forward.
It helped me immensely to get out of the house. It helped him, too, because he had to get up and help himself. So go out, even if it's just for coffee and a sweet. I met up with my crochet group and they let me cry...a lot.
Time will help...hang in there.

Again, thank you for all of your insight. Tomorrow is his two week post op appointment and I will have a lot to say.
Little has changed. Today he refused to go to his other doctor because he is too tired, and he refused to even talk to them. He's still demanding and thinks he's helpless. Snort.
Three positive tiny moments, though. I heard him using the swiffer in the bathroom the other day. This weekend he was on the phone with a friend and he suddenly forgot he was pathetic. He laughed and talked with energy for a good 20 minutes. And this morning, miracle of miracles, he walked 10 extra feet and got his own yogurt.
It's something.
I am trying to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not easy. And yes, I have many options to consider. I'm well aware of the situation, and that I don't deserve the abuse.
For all those who read this prior to surgery and wonder, he is doing well with his new eating style. He feels full. He feels satisfied. He swoons for my omelets still, just now they're tiny 1 egg versions with no butter and well cooked veggies. I don't think he expected to still find pleasure in food under the new regime...but he does.

Thank you, all. First off, I'm going to take some time for me today, and he will just have to deal.
I certainly did not pressure him into the surgery. I told him I would support his decision either way. I had concerns about his ability to handle it, but I let him figure it out without my influence. food has always been the love of his life, his mistress, his whore. I helped him see that.
To others, he's happy and outgoing. Yes, he's been whiny and full of woe to them recently, but I'm bearing the brunt. Like any married couple, we have our ups and downs. But even prior to surgery, he was verbally cruel. I recently got sick with a UTI at a party, and it escalated so fast, I was crying.
He was furious that we had to leave early and yelled at me for crying and embarrassing him, ruining his fun, always faking it. He continued to rant at the ER, where I eventually got a rocephin shot. The UTI went into my kidneys and I was so sick...but he would not let up.
I'm tired of all of it. His new line is 'after all I give you' and he knows just how to push my buttons.
I do see my own counselor, but have never met his. I need to summon the courage to tell his bariatric team exactly what is going on. He sees them this Wednesday, and it's time for him to face reality.
It's immensely comforting to hear that his refusal to get up is not the norm. Best of luck with your journeys.

@@pxinaz, thanks for update, and I know we all wish you the best with this! I hope everything turns out well for you both, but you especially.

Again, thank you for all of your insight. Tomorrow is his two week post op appointment and I will have a lot to say.
Little has changed. Today he refused to go to his other doctor because he is too tired, and he refused to even talk to them. He's still demanding and thinks he's helpless. Snort.
Three positive tiny moments, though. I heard him using the swiffer in the bathroom the other day. This weekend he was on the phone with a friend and he suddenly forgot he was pathetic. He laughed and talked with energy for a good 20 minutes. And this morning, miracle of miracles, he walked 10 extra feet and got his own yogurt.
It's something.
I am trying to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not easy. And yes, I have many options to consider. I'm well aware of the situation, and that I don't deserve the abuse.
For all those who read this prior to surgery and wonder, he is doing well with his new eating style. He feels full. He feels satisfied. He swoons for my omelets still, just now they're tiny 1 egg versions with no butter and well cooked veggies. I don't think he expected to still find pleasure in food under the new regime...but he does.

Thank you all...
Well the days are getting closer... my beautiful daughter will be having her Gastric sleeve in July!!! She has been making better food choices and excercising to get her body ready for this. Have I told y'all how proud I am of her?? !
Although she has lost some weight to prepare, I believe she needs this surgery for the long haul. I am nervous but at the same time excited for her.
For those of you that do not have your mothers around, I would be happy to step in and offer my support for you as only a mother can do. Kind of like a Community Mom..

I agree with @Loveit2012. I feel like this is an uncomfortable thing to say to a stranger online, but from everything you've said, he does indeed sound abusive, and it doesn't sound like this is a recent development. Have you considered leaving? At the very least, you should get some distance for a week or two. Take any kids or pets that may be involved and just get out for a while. Go stay with family or friends.

I would encourage you to find a support group in your area, and I don't even mean one with relation to the VSG (although that's not a bad idea, too), but I mean a group like Celebrate Recovery group. I would like to encourage you to read about what codependency is, and read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
You've been on my heart all day since I read this this morning. You don't have to live this way. I'm not saying you should pack it up and leave, I'm saying you don't have to live under his abuse. I would encourage you to also call his surgeons office and give them a heads up, AND speak up during his appointment. But I know that's a lot easier said than done.

My thoughts exactly.
Best wishes.....

My immediate reaction is that you shouldn't really have to do anything for him! He should be doing all of this on his own.. but not knowing the cause of his extended hospital stay or his co-morbidities, it's hard to actually say if he really is in continued need of assistance or not. Even so, his attitude is sucky and I think you know that. Unfortunately, if surgery didn't get him on board, there's probably little else you can say to convince him either. I know how badly you probably want this to work for him, but he's the one that's ultimately responsible for changing his lifestyle--not you.
The only thing you can really do is keep yourself healthy, both physically and mentally. No one deserves to be screamed at, cursed, or belittled by their spouse.. and if putting your foot down is only met with more of the same, I would suggest spending some time apart if at all possible. Of course, doing that might come with consequences that you would have to be prepared for. But if this is something that happens regularly, there really is no excuse for it. It might be difficult, but you'll be so much better off without such a negative influence in your life.

You are with an abusive person. You don't deserve this. No human being should be treated this way.
If you don't get things for him he will have to get them himself. You aren't his servant.
I hope you are talking to your counselor about the abuse you are enduring.
I was in an abusive marriage too. He is a heartless soulless person and I can't tell you how much better my life is without him.

Uh oh ! Here comes the Tough Love Train !!!!!! Honey , HE is treating YOU like crap, and yet you're asking " how do I get HIM up and moving again ?" How about with a swift kick to the A $$ !!!! That'll get him moving !!!! Its one thing to be a "little " demanding or snarky after surgery, hey we were all there probably , from the pain , etc. Its a totally different thing when someone is verbally abusive and refuses to do anything for himself. TOTALLY. DIFFERENT. HE needs to see a psych Dr to deal with his behavior, and you might want to see him /her too to find out why you feel its your respondsibility to deal with HIS problems that HE wont deal with himself. Tell him "God helps those who help themselves " and " Not my circus , not my monkeys ! " - ( it means " not my problem ") sending you hugs !

What part of AZ do you live in? I'm in avondale.. you can come over here lol. Really though,I am still pre op so I really don't know how my reaction and responses would be after surgery, but you shouldn't feel like this. I know how my husband used to get with a toothache and remember.. men don't handle pain like us ladies, so he may be very frustrated with himself and is taking it out on you. You should get out for a bit and let him think about his behavior.

I agree with all of the suggestions about getting away and forcing him to be self sufficient. If he's ever going to get with the program he needs to work it. You doing all his work isn't doing him any good. When I came home from my surgery I WANTED to do everything for myself. I knew that I couldn't count on anyone to do this for me. If he refuses to go to his psych for help, call his surgeons office, explain the situation and ask if you can go so you can find ways to get him thru this. I wish you luck with this, take care of yourself first and always.

I'd go visit a friend or relative for a week or two and leave him on his own, personally. If I didn't have that option, I'd go to a hotel at the beach and take a vacation.
People will only treat you like poo if you let them. Don't let him. You are worth more than that.

Wow, I'm surprised he passed the psych eval for surgery approval. Unless this is entirely new behavior for him. Does his bariatric team have a counselor you could talk to? They may see this all the time and have suggestions for you. You can't continue to live this way. It's not fair to you and he does not need an enabler. I agree with all the above posts about getting out and taking care of yourself.

Not to sound snarky but if he "demands" that bring him ice or Water or a Protein drink....what will happen if you don't bring it to him? I would think he would be forced to do things for himself(which of course he should be doing)
PLEASE take care of yourself....I don't know you but I do know EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and respect. YOU deserve that.

Its a bad situation. I wonder if he blames you for pressure to undergo the surgery. Several years back, my mom fell and broke her hip. She had a hip replacement. After spending almost 4 weeks in rehab and she was in constant war with the staff, we pulled her from the rehab center and brought her home. We took her home and she spent 3 months with us, barking off orders and yelling at us. She did the absolute minimum. Instead of her muscles getting stronger, they were actually getting weaker. When I felt she was well enough to return to her home, I explained to her that she needs to go home. She would get the strength back by doing the chores around her home. She was using us like a crutch. This we did and she recovered. It is hard enough helping someone than to be constantly screamed at for no good reason.

Wow. Just wow. Part of me understands his anger at your suggestion he walk (I reacted irrationally when my bf suggested it to me my second day home, because I was in a lot of pain and didn't want to move. But I KNEW it was an irrational reaction, and actually followed his suggestion and felt better)
I would also ask if he acted this way prior to surgery?
Honestly, with you having your own issues to deal with, is there any place you can go to get away for a few hours or a few days? Unless he wants to change, he's not going to, and it sounds like he's content to use you as a whipping boy to take out his discomfort and that's not right. You mention his doctor suggested a rehab facility...what about a home health nurse or somebody to drop by and look at him? At the rate he's going, he sounds completely unwilling to help himself, and he's treating you very poorly indeed. (maybe contact his doctor or bariatric team and ask them for suggestions as well?)
You need to take care of yourself. If that means taking a few steps back for a few days and making him take care of himself, that may be what you need to do. I'm worried that you may be damaged in the long run if you're neglecting yourself to take care of someone who should be more willing to help himself.
*hugs*