knitwit

March 18! I'm in absolute denial. .. Maybe if I don't think about it, I won't get scared I'm 30, mom of a two year old, very excited to get healthy and get back some control over this body of mine!

March 18! I'm in absolute denial. .. Maybe if I don't think about it, I won't get scared I'm 30, mom of a two year old, very excited to get healthy and get back some control over this body of mine!

I had a secret surgery - and I mean SECRET.....

Aside from my surgeon, only my husband knew/knows. I am 9 months out. I NEVER regretted keeping this a secret. I joined this forum and only those here know.

Last week I had a breast cancer scare and saw several doctors, of which different family members came to different apts. That was tough because I HATED that I had to reveal to each doctor, my surgical history. I did well though with keeping my family from hearing.

I was told I was INSANE for doing this without ANY help....
My husband was out of state for work and was scared for me and didn't approve because I went through it all alone. I had one friend drop me off (lied to her why I needed ride to hospital) and had a different friend pick me up (also lied to that friend why I was there). I then took care of myself alone for the entire time. 6 weeks later, my Doctor cleared me to travel and I drove 500 miles to where husband was working.

So here is an issue I am facing....
I am 9 months out, and down 100lbs. People have indeed noticed the loss. I was VERY careful to not plan dinners with friends or go to restaurants with family - and if I did, I would generally say I wasnt too hungry or I didnt feel so great. I used the excuse of menstrual cramps pretty regularly. NO ONE questions those.

Do I feel a bit like a fraud? eh well yeah a little bit. Do I give a flying f*ck - NOPE. I could care less if anyone THINKS I had bypass.
I did have a family member ask me - and I burst out laughing in her face saying "seriously, you think I could have hidden a major surgery like that????"

I figure, it's not *exactly* a lie, my insurance requires the gallbladder or at the same surgery! Lol. One of my Co workers asked which side it hurts on and I just kinda laughed awkwardly (no idea, lol) I'm the worst liar!

Secret bypass! I love it! I'm having a semi secret myself, I've been faking gallbladder issues at work for a month now, lol.

Well, I thought I would dig out old fat pics to do the "before" and "after" post...
I didn't realise the effect it would have looking at images over the last 10 years. It reminded me of all that's happened and every picture is tied to how I felt over that time - and in the few pictures I have of me, I am overweight and deeply unhappy. Year after year.
It's so easy to forget life pre-sleeve. I haven't looked at any of this since the surgery and it's like looking at someone else but feeling all the pain. I know I am the girl in the photos because it's my ex husband and my son with her. But it's like another lifetime, I no longer recognise her but she is me and I am her... and it breaks my heart to remember that life.
I also look at my ex husband and wonder what he saw in me. In holiday pics, I am usually overdressed in an effort to hide my size, which was a futile exercise. I am sweaty and miserable and I had forgotten how big I was. I can't find one photo where I look genuinely happy.
So, I will get round to posting the pics in the next couple of days. But I am shocked at the emotion these pictures have brought tumbling out. I haven't cried like this for such a long time (except day 4 post op when I wondered wtf I had done!) ... but I know I will be ok tomorrow.
I will also be grateful to that brave girl who, in the depths of a miserable existence, took the extraordinary decision to get sleeved. I have to do justice to her and live life to the full - and have lots of happy pictures that show how much my life has been transformed.

yikes, now fully scared! yes, that sounds terrible, but thankfully somewhat rare?