I loved your joke! It was funny. I had my surgery a year and 2 months ago. I had many ups and downs, I would do it again. I too had high cholesterol, blood pressure, sleep apnea, and was per diabetic. The only one instill battle is High blood pressure (hard to fight with genetics).
The two week pre op diet was tough (mainly because I wanted to kill those who were eating in front of me). I lost 18lbs from that alone. The liquid diet after surgery was tough for me. Not because I was hungry (I still don't feel hunger) but because I wanted to hew something. I found iced helped AND helped with the water intake.
If there is ANY advise I can give its STAY HYDRATED! It's crazy the problems it causes. If I don't get a minimum of 70-80 oz a day, I feel like crap.
Good luck, you about to embark on an amazing journey!!