Nykee

Being off the roids SUCKS.. I am back to crippled and tired and useless. pain pain pain, cant do nothing. I had really hoped it was the weight loss.. Nope.

Being off the roids SUCKS.. I am back to crippled and tired and useless. pain pain pain, cant do nothing. I had really hoped it was the weight loss.. Nope.

I gave up long ago, no way can I love a man if he loves me. Impossible.

I was 415 and I am trying trying trying to get to 315 .... i fluxuate from 325 to 335 all the time in the last months.

Looks like you lost 68 pounds in 4 months, so I think you have the right to say a few things.. lol I DO think there is a honeymoon period, and I was told so.. But never in a bad way.. just as an explanation for all the changes I was going through that made no sense at all.. Everyone is different. thats what I am trying to keep in mind. I surely am different.

only one of my scars are noticeable too.. (the big one)

terisita, YEAH or you!!!! Congrats! I love to hear it.!

grrrr, I see I been battling this same weight since NOVEMBER? like 5 months? I am glad not to be at 400, but I soooo want to be in the 200's... 299.. makes me cry when i think of it actually happeneing.

THANK YOU KENNEDY967! I got an old navy gift card and Bought 10 pairs of flip flops! (what a luxery!) I got this on time.. I just didnt know it was my gift. I thought it was junk mail (I am such a flake!) I am sorry to Kennedy for saying I didnt get it... she did not forget me!!! THANKS again! xoxo

I'm 336 today thats 16 pounds lost since. By July 4th.. I want to be 315# So I have to lose over 20 pounds in two months.. (with a loose fill) But I am gonna try really hard.

When I went in for a slight unfill. She had the needle in the port.. and the saline stuff came out of the hole in my stomach (from the needle) and dripped all over, she said it was from my already present fill and I had just leaked it all out. she said she had never seen that happen before. she had to get more saline and refill it. anyone know whats up with that? otherwise everything else is fine.

I feel 100000 times better.. no problems AT All now.. I went through the problems over a month and it seemed like it was juse how It was gonna be.. hard to imagine it would be different, but it totally is, everything I was going throgh has stopped. My fill is too loose now.. my fill doc said I could come back and get more if needed for no charge, but I tried and long story short, I missed out on that.. so I have to get a fill now, someday when I have the money. I am affraid I will gain weight.. I weighed today and I am 336, witch means I HAVE not benifited from the unfill naturally... I gained (was hovering around 330#)and need to watch out or I could gain more and more. COMPLICATIONS.. suck, my band has only 'worked" for me Half the time.. and I am getting pissy about it.. but trying not to.. cuz others have it WAy worse by losing the band, or infections.. or not being able to lose weight much at all. Thanks for asking.. thanks for your support

I didnt get mine.. And I would so never complain. But my kids are acting all sad for me, (I dont mind much at all.. I dont get uptight over thesethings) But I do not like how my kids feel.. lol They were very interested in my gift for railheit.. they thought I had actually bought myself something cute... so I told them about the easter exchange, and I felt like a big dork.. and I justified it by saying I just wanted to do something, and that I am going to be getting something too. Welll.. I am so weird sometimes.. they were so interested and glad for me.. then I stopped feeling all dorky and kinda cool, cuz my kids understood that even thought its just a little exchange thing.. its my thing. (my life has been obsessively about them, I have nothing, BUT I LIKE IT THAT WAY.. really I do.) They made it a bigger deal than I felt comfortable (gosh am I that bad?) I told them.. I might not get anything.. and they said I WILL.. and I said it happens... and then it was forgotton till easter and I was like "hey! I didnt get my gift.."... They said I jinxed it.. lol They were all worried that I might feel bad but be hiding it.. and then I felt bad They felt bad.. I told them it might come late, no worries.. and it was forgotton about again until I saw this in my notification box. (old) (teenagers) BUT: I had the best time buying a gift that wasnt for anyone I know. and mailing it and I dont know.. I am she could buy what I got her if she wanted to.. I GOT TO DO SOMETHING that had nothing to do with anyone but me.... buying for loved ones is a given. This was like buying for yourself.. (we poor, so we dont shop like most do, if your confused) ohhh ohhh.. I want to tell rahlheit and you guys.. something special.. that I will remember all my life. on spring break.. I was able to walk the entire area of the Tillamook Cheese factories gift center.. WALL TO WALL. (where I bought mine) First time in prolly 15 years and I go there at leaste 3 times a year. To never ever be able to see the whole store.. ever.. never allowed such a thing everyone else can do.. and go in and know you can do more.. but WOW.. the whole store. So I will remember it always. thank you for running this exchange kimberlilly!!

Hi railheit, YOur welcome. I cant beleive you got it so fast! I DID sign my name.. its 'nykee' When I get mine, I am going to post a pic of what I sent you along with what I was sent. This is fun.

WOW I was amazing. I had no idea It could be this way. I DONT know yet, how much the Steroids are affecting me.. OF course they are alot.. BUt..I am hopefull Its NOt all the steroids.. That would be a SHAME> PLUS.. I am gonna be asking for some for daily use.. Not near this amount.. like 10 ml a day. I will skip some days and go for it on others. Here is the list of AMAZING things I did.. THAT I NEVER DO.. THAT were IMPOSSIBEL TO DO. I drove with out adequate emergency money. On bad tires and a car that overheats sometimes.. hundreds of miles, in the night, no cell, with only a 13 yr old companion with no real plans set in stone. CUZ I KNEW I COULD handle any problem that might come up, it was Go or NOt go.. I had no way to fiz these problems.. BEFORE I would OF NEVER went in a million years.. I might cause a horrific tradgic event from a simple flat tire.. Me and CRY left at 10pm on saturday night.. we drove into Tillamook then slept at the rest stop for the fun of it. usually I would NEVER start a trip late and do something like sleep in the van right away cuz it would start me in pain that ruined me before I could even start. I slept on the van floor on a foam pad. It was not painfull. I did not take extra pills. I did not cry and want to die. IT WAS FUN! Everytime I sleep on any surface besides my bed.. I dont sleep, I take like 6 vicodan, I am in pain the whole time and Its HORRIFIC sufrfering I just try to deal with.. no choice.. Even though I love the idea of sleeping in the van like that in the night and the nature.. It hurt too much to be fun. I parked at the last parking space from the toilets. I made this choice wondering if I would move or drive closer later. I choose not to have the light in my eyes. BEFORE I would of parked as close as possible NO matter what. I walked to the bathroom 4 times in the middle of the night. I did not drive or park near the potty. I didnt wake child to help me. I put on my shoes. I got my wipes. I walked fast there and back. I opened door, got in, took shoes off I went right back to sleep. This was alot of steroids kicking in.. but still, 4 times? totally easy each time, I mean it was effort but it wasnt like I was torturing myself. Normally I cant walk this far, I would get a ton of help from a kid and DEFINATELy driver as close to the potty as I could get. The whole ordeal of pissing at night at camp was the worst.. this was nothing. The pee freely.. WOWO I got us up at 9am and brushed teeth and cleaned the van. Put on makeup and got all ready. I did this the whole trip EXRTRA well.. WE both looked good and were clean all but one day. The VAN too. This is usually so important to me but something I never am saticfied about. It ruins trips for me mentally and I always tried to let it go cus its not whats important and I cant handle it all.. I was totally happy with us.. Ii was proud to walk around and I felt good, not like a scum.. WONDERFUL. I went into the Jiffy mart like 10 times and got stuff and paid myself and carried stuff.. I went in many times alone. I only sent CRy in alone a few times. Normally I may go in once.. and never again. Its how I save my energy. I want to go in.. But I just cant make the trip if I do. I bowled a whole game by my self, never had anyone talke a turn for me. I have always had kids take my turn.. Prolly my first whole game in 10 yrs. I put two cans of oil in my van all by myself. I bought them too. ALL me. I would have the gas people do it. OR I would have a kid help. I held the air pump for crystal and was activily involved in keeping the tires inflated. Same with the fix a flat can, and checking for leaks. I wouldnt have dealt with all this, I would not of made the trip. It would of been too much trouble and too much to do and not manageble. I went in and bought a newspaper in forrst grove by my self. I bought a few papers. I read three papers (all of them) and I took numbers of APt. I would of not read them all. I may of skipped this, I usually dont have the time or patience. I sat in sharons kitchen chair for like an hour without dying.I was able to go in and be comfortable and not worry and feel so pitifull and viset. Going to sharons is always hard cuz she wants to show me things and lots of times sitting is not the option or the sitting isnt good for my back at all.. her place is not cripple friendly and I am not comfortable telling her how I am ready to faint and my back is feeling explosive,So its always hard trying to manage and not look like a loser.. I didnt really want to know how bad I felt. ya know.. I stood up and used sharrons phone for a quic call and didnt have to sit. Twice. I stood over her desk and made phone calls. I would have to sit to even think before I could even dial before. She noticed this and tried to accomodate me to sit not realizing I was choosing to stand.. I never noticed her being tune to my needs before but I guess she was.. I am glad to know she recognized how hard I had it.. I walked around the entire Shoe store. Front and back and more. I looked at lots of shoes and wondered around on my own. Plus my mom parked in a parking spot and I walked to and from the shoe store. Normally people drop me off, I go in and sit and they come to me. I barely get it done this way. I get hot. The places to sit are not good enough.. waiting and thinking and choosing what to do as far as getting what is mind numbing.. I can barely make it to pay and back to the car. I always need help holding my hand or something.. it was hard, and my mom has no clue how it usually is.. but I would of never showed her.. I would of stayed in the car and told her I couldnt go in before I went in like a crippled freak. My parents just have no clue how bad off I am. I took a shower at my moms, alone. I cant even do this at home. I get help ALWAYS with something. NO one was home but me, and I just went for it cuz I felt like I could. I got my clothes, supplies, found a towl, ran the tub, washed and got out and dried and dressed and cleaned up my mess.. NOrmally all I do is get in the tub, wash, get out and dry.. everything else is done for me. I did a load of laundry at my moms alone.. same as above.. I put it in the washer and dryer and took them out. THIS IS NEVER EVER DONE fully by me.. I left my moms house on my own.. I took stuff out and from my van when we were at my moms. I could of had CRy come home first to avoid being stuck with too much loose ends to tidy, but I choose to pick her up, so I had to get everything loaded and dooors locked and such on my own.. it was hard but I did it. I would of passed out before. I walked down oceanside trail and rocks and back up NO problem. No fear. NO help and I carried stuff too. I laid on a blanket for half a day and my back was fine.. I was not hurt and didnt suffer later. I almost never go down. If I do, someone has to hold me. Its very scarey and more trouble than its worth and I cant stay long and coming up makes me want to die and I am wrecked the rest of the day for so little.. I swam laps for almost an hour and didnt get bored or tired or stiff and loved it. I went in at 6am too.. We went twice. I took Full shower. I looked around the facility alittle. YMCA May have skipped it, not wanting to deal with the counter lady. May have skipped the pool and only used the shower.. Never would of swam so many laps and enjoyed it. My neck and shoulders and back would hurt way before I could enjoyit. I went into shilo store a few times alone. I filled the huge dew jug on my own. I had to get the dew jug for amber as a gift and normally I would of walked out and not filled it, cuz I wouldnt have the strengh anD I would be affraid of spilling it or not being able to manage it and just skipped it. I always have to skip things like that even if I want to do it or should do it. We went to the cheese factory to find something for my easter exchange. I looked through the entire gift store. Then the other side of the factory too. Then stood in line and paid for my stuff. WE NEVER sat down. I did this again a few days later on a smaller scale.. NO sitting. I usually walk in and sit down immmediately to rest. Then I sit and look and scout and I send kids to look and do things and then I get up and move here and there sitting as I go.. I make the kids pay always. Its all about getting as much as I can without fainting. Its the best I could do without missing out. I am glad to be there but its such a pain and hassle. I went into the netarts store alone and got apple juice and had them open it.. scaled thw whole store looking for mellows. I went into the idaville store too, went through the whole store looked at things. I went into many little stores and walked through the whole thing looking for good deals to feed and water us. I looked at misc things too. usullally, I am in and out as fast as I can. leaning on things, asking where things are, asking them to get me things, waiting for a kid to find things, just holding on till I can get back to the car and sit again. Not able to look at anything or enjoy anything or talk to anyone in a regular way. Usually rude and curt and short with everyone and dont pay any mind to details as I am dizzy and unable to focus on anything but getting through it. At jenns and my moms, I got my own food and drinks. I even cooked in a pan and used the microwave and cleaned up my own mess. I threw away my own trash too. I have everyone do this for me. Its wasted energy I cant ever spare and is just so hard. I always mess up. I cant do it right. When I try its just a joke and I either go without or I ask someone or I get offers. I didnt like it at all, it was nervewracking and I rather not do these things for my self, but I COULD.. so I did a few times instead of NONE. It sucks though. Throwing away trash isnt fun at all.. Its hard. I went to the movies. I walked accross the street, paid the window and went right to seats in the front. The seats fit me so perfect. After I walked out NO help and back to the van, I stood and spoke to jenn by the wall about dinner plans. I enjoyed the movie start to finish. usually, I would not pay as i would be leaning trying to keep upright long enough to get inside. I would never of parked accross the street. Someone would of had to drop me off and parked, or I would not go. I would of got in my van asap and sat, making everyone come to me to talk or say bye or make the plans. I would be exhausted and wish I didnt go cuz my back hurt so much and my hips would be bruised, but I would grin and tell everyone I was so glad we did this.. regretting it too. I walked around the Fish hatchey.. usually I wouldnt get out at all or I wouldnt go as far as I did. Depends. I slept in the van at barveiw for hours really well.. even though my back was hurting. It was peacefull like I cant describe. I enjoyed it. I could never enjoy what I should cuz of the pain.. Nothing made it OK. At barveiw.. we parked away from the bathroom and I walked int he middle of the night to it instead of drove. This was after many days of activity and I would be BENT and crippled by now and doing alot less.. but just like the first night.. I was still able. I woke in the middle of the night (3am) wide awake and choose to drive to town and find a laundry matt.. I didnt get crytal to help and let her sleep. I got the laundry ready and did it all my self.. got the money and all, put the close in and everything. I had to make many trips back and forth. I would NEVER ever do this..I COULDnt physically if I wanted to.. I usually help with laundry and liked that I could do this.. I thought the washer was broke and had to get cry to help then, but I wanted her up anyway for company. We sat in this laundry matt, on hard tables viseting and wathcing VH1. We changed and put on makeup and had a great conversation about running a teen youth center and low income food service and such. I folded the clothes. Normally I would sit in the van.. I would not sit in inside and have a white trash fun time with the kids. Its uncomfortable and a strain. This was fun. I took avery and crystal INTo mcdonalds to eat. I almost never would do this. Its too hard to order and wait and the seats are too small. I usually choose it to be easier on me than think of their comforts cuz I cant Do everything even if I CAN.. i have to pick and choose and this is one of those things I have been selfish about mostly.. not going in! I took avery with cry to be in the hot tub at my moms. I was in charge. I normally would not of done this cuz it would take too much effort on my part. Its not my hot tub or my house and my parents are not used to kids and I would have to be sure they were dressed and towls and behaved and quiet and DRy and didnt let the birds out and didnt harm the tub and so on and so on and its too much.. I just wouldnt try cuz I would likely mess it up and look the fool. Well, it wasnt perfect.. BUt it was doable. My parents commented on my weight loss FINALLY.. They meant it this time. I felt proud for the first time with them and this band,. I told them my acheivements instead of downplaying myelf. I didnt feel like a huge blob invading their home and destroying their stuff and hurting their eyes and makeing them feel blah at the site of me and all my lame lame lamo. I usually feel huge dissapointment, (its there) and no matter how hard I try not to look so bad, and hide my lameness. I cant do it and trying so hard makes it worse. It was a vicious cycle. I wore my black outfit with the shells that was way too small last year. and it looks fine. My mom gave me some sandles that are size 8 and they fit. My mom bought me a shirt and it was 26-28 and it ended up fitting! The outfit wasnt wearable as it was too small all over. I havent been in any shoe under size 10 since I was 20. I never find a shirt from a real store that fits. I slept on jenns couch, twice and it was fine.. I cant even sit on it for long its so weird and uncomfortable. She wont even sleep on it. MY black girdle goes right on me...I have had this for a long long time and it took mass effort to put on, now pulls up like undies. My white bra holds me in and I feel comfortable in it.. I have never been able to contain my fat around my bra.. and constantly hassled with it and never felt comfortable. It was obsessive how all I thought about was how it looked. It was impossible to contain yet I couldnt stop trying.. crazy,

I am 324 from 352 thats 28 pounds.. But We'll see in July.. I am going through some stuff now I dont know if its a help or a hinderance to weight loss.. and soon I will get adjusted and I dont know how that will go.. I exspect my weight to fluctuate..

I understand.. it happened to me.. Everyone exspected so much more.. and it sucked to the point, i kept all my band experiences to my self and hoped they would see sooner or later. and they have! just try to keep in mind.. it will happen.

MARCH 17 5 cheetos one drink chocolate milk 125 ml solu-medral intravenious 5 bites of rice, chicken and pineapple (came up) 8 ounces of ovalteen (came up) half cup of pineapple jiuoce (came up) 45 cheetos (total over time) FINALLY opened up (when the doc says the shot lasts 7 hours I think he means it takes 7 hours to KICK IN!) I ate the rest of the night: 1/2 cup mashed potatoes and a spoon of butter 1 cup 1% milk (OMG, I realized I was open, so I went for MORE) 1 cup of parm noodles and butter.. (chew chew chew!!!) 2 cups ovalteen THEN I drank 2 quarts of OJ and just under a gallon of thick apple cider till 5am. 4000 calories 83 fat 650 carbs protein 102 MARCH 18th Waking: about 15 cheetos 3pm one bag kissables one cup milk 5pm 1/4 cup spegetti and parm (was tight) one cup milk 6pm 15 more cheetos 9pm 2 sliced bread no crust (tight for a minute and then was FINE) 3 tbs lite mayo some chicken two cup's milk 10pm Chicken leg and thigh (boiled) (no restriction) 3 tbs ranch 2 cups limeaid cup limeaid 11pm brownie ice cream cup chocolate syrup cup of milk 1am cup of milk and chocolate syrup cal: 3130 fat: 128 carb: 389 protein: 115 MARCH 19 2pm 1/4 cup clam chowder (half came up) two sips limeaid 4pm three tablespoons mashed potatoes, with butter (spit up half) 6:30 pm 10 ounces hot cocoa (stayed down) 8pm-10pm three legs crab and 1/4 cup body crab meat (my daughter went crabbing and came home with it.. yum yum) (stayed down) 9:00pm 2C Roasted redpepper Soup (gagged up first bitem then it was fine) 5 slices processed cheese (ate two and threee went into soup) 3 tbs parm cheese 32 ounces 1% milk 16 ounces limeaid 3tbs Frosting and peanutbutter mixed 1 grahm cracker 1 cup ovalteen (before bed) Dont have time to do fit day right now TODAY 9am 1ounce fruit punch pop 11:30 Hot cocoa 3pm nacho chips, 1ounce cheese, ketsup (all came up plus more) 4:30 almonds (came up) WAITING lol

I am not logging for the last few days cuz I wasnt paying attention.. Plus I didnt log well enough today.. I cant get my head into it. So I wont add fit day today, as I like it to be real close to perfect to do so. Here is the best I could do. March 22 9:45 am Hot cocoa, 4 ounces 10am I bought a sausage egg and cheese McMuffin on way to doctors. I took off 75% off the muffin and tossed it. I bit and chew and spit 3/4 of the muffin. (but some of it goes down) Then I spit up prolly most of the rest. (gagged myself to releive pressure) Solumedral shot, 80ml 11am 4 ounces warm cocoa 11:30 to 12 pm One small cherry icee from Burger King (stuck, then went down) 3:00 half a quiche (little frozen kind) came up.. all of it (kept trying to chew, chew, felt open. But wasnt) NOW Sipping chocolate milk (6 ounces) WAiting to open 6pm or so (open) one cup roasted red pepper soup 2 slices cheese 2tbs parm two handfulls cheese fish 1% milk kissables candy later: I DIDNT really keep good track.. So I cant even do fit day. 2 peices frozen fish fillet (WAY WAY OPEN. I GOBBLED THE SALAD!) 2 cups salad mix 1/4 cup thousnad island approx 30 ounces chocolate milk approx 30 ounces 1% milk approx 30 ounces white grape juice 10 almonds NOW: 1 am BIG juicey apple (CAN YOU BELEIVE IT!!) (spit the skin) 6 ounces milk I am leaving for spring break. I want to take the time NOT to eat. I hope to log my foods, so when I come back, I can fitday them and see what its like when I am 'on the road' lol We will see if I do so. I wont have any money.. but I did buy some food to go along. Cheese fish, tomatoe soup, juice, skittles, Cookies, split pea, broth, hot cocoa, (bad choices I KNOW) Plus others will feed me.. and I will likely drink ONE time and not eat one day after.. lol WHO KNOWS.. I wont have my shots.. and I should be alot tighter cuz of it.. I plan to sip hot cocoa if I have to.. and brothe.. I will come home if I HAVE to, (gagging on saliva) FuN FUN FUN

Same HERE.. Mine will be mailed on the third to the 5th. That will be plenty of time to arrive by the 16th! FUN FUN FUN

My blood sugar on the meter thing at the doctors has been 146, 132 and 150... I just wanted to document that! I showed up on monday and my doctor had all this education ready for me.. and insulin. HOW much to give myself depending on how high my numbers were and HOW to do it.. But he said "nevermind" and I was GLAD. I dont plan on EVER having to learn that CRAP!

My blood sugar on the meter thing at the doctors has been 146, 132 and 150... I just wanted to document that! I showed up on monday and my doctor had all this education ready for me.. and insulin. HOW much to give myself depending on how high my numbers were and HOW to do it.. But he said "nevermind" and I was GLAD. I dont plan on EVER having to learn that CRAP!

I drank almost a 5th of Southern Host at the end of january and I am going to do it again in a few days.. So.. yeah.. I can drink.

Thanks.. I didnt know I would find every way possible to keep getting so many calories in.. so, I gotta try try try something else.. as I always have.

Ok, I have more PB questions. Which is more likely the cause of PBing for you: food not chewed thoroughly? or The wrong type of food? >>>>for me its just NOT TIME FOR solids.. PERIOD. How long until you know you have a problem? After a few bites? After the whole meal? >>>>RIGHT AWAY.. Once you know you are "stuck", can you gag yourself and expel the offender? >>>this is how I always do it.. It dont come up on its own.. I get lots of slime when I do this.. I am TRYING NOT TO DO THIS>. I dont even know if this is a PB or not. Has anyone tried the meat tenderizer and does it work? Does anything else help? Why is it a bad idea to take a sip of Water? It seems like that would help lubricate and move the food along. I dont know what your talking about.. lol