Well I already know that when the weight comes off I will look the cover of Nat. Geo. lol but I am worried because I am only a DD and dont want to lose to girl
Day 246 post surgery. Emotions are running on an all time high. Due to health care exchange, will be laid off anytime between now and March. Need to get a jump on looking for work, but bored of the insurance world. Need new challenges. Kids are doing ok. Love how proud they are of me now. How excited they are to see their mom happy. Though...happy in what ways?
My partner of 6 1/2 years is having issues recently with my weight loss. I was down from 239 to 171 last year. Band quit, I moved on. Had surgery in December. (during surgery had hernia repair, that night fell in hospital, tore spleen, almost died). Now I'm down to 139. It seemed so fast. I'm not complaining. I love it. But everyday I get different comments from her to "eat more", "gain weight" "your legs look like chopsticks" "you look pale" "you look sick". Really? Ok I get she has chosen not to have a surgery and lose much needed weight (her current weight is about 265). I love her as she is...but shouldn't she love ME as I AM? Don't think I care anymore. I don't regret anything I've done up to this point in my life.
Biggest issue is how I feel about ME. It's funny how much you can hate your body when you're over weight. I spent each week trying to find something to love about my plus sized body. Ways to find myself attractive. And a few months before my band sugery (sept 2011), I had fallen in love with me. Everything about me. Then during a physical, I find out I'm prediabetic. Oh hell no! There is no way in hell I am living with diabetes. That is when I found out my employer was offering WLS. Didn't think, didn't blink, just signed up. The journey has been...fun? I struggled with the band, no doubt. Grew increasingly tired of dealing with vomitting & getting 'stuck'. Was so thankful for the sleeve. I have been 100% happy physically since.
Now, I look at my body (with clothes/girdle on, thank you jesus for girdles!) and OMG. I'm tiny. I'm a size 8!!!! WHAT? Is this for real? Granted it took until last month to realize I AM HEALTHY. Before, I still saw me as 239. Now I see me..the new me.. No wait, the me i should've been 20 years ago. Then I take the clothes off...WHOA. YIKES. Eww. Can't stand it. Not as much skin as i expected , more so on my arms. Tummy is ok. Inner thighs, eh..saggy. Oh well. Hey look, i DO have ribs! Umm where did my booty go? i've lost my boot! damn. I liked my booty before. Now it no longer exists. Ok..fine, thank god for Booty Panties.
Wait, where are my boobs? When I place my hands where they USED to be, I feel bone. Go down further Dawnie..oh there they are. who moved them? and they fit in my hands now? wow. DD to C. (well B 1/2). That's ok. Bras are cheaper now. Hmm...why don't my shoes fit. My feet weren't fat...but my size 8's are huge. Wow a size 7 now.. OK i can do that. But now I have to buy new shoes (shock! not something I want to do, I loved my current shoes). Let's keep it simple, just buy Tom's in a few colors. Done.
My face is so different. Where are those infamous chubby cheeks? so gone. And what is this under my chin...what am i, a turkey? YIKES. That's fine, just smile alot. Keep your head straight so no one sees that turkey chin!
It's almost as if I need to find the beauty again. The beauty I had just found, she's gone. She's been replaced. Though, I look in the mirror and can't believe I was ever 100 lbs bigge. It's as if I truly was this thin person trapped inside of a large shell of a person. OMG I ATE ME!
So here begins yet another journey in my life. Not a bad one, no. But a journey nonetheless. It's ok. I'm strong, I love me, my kids/partner love me, I have great friends. I'm ok.
