MaryC

I am desperate and sad. Seeking advice, help or words of wisdom…
Like many of you my weight journey started a very long time ago – almost thirty years ago. I grew up with three older sisters and a single mother. My father died when I was seven years old. That was the end of family dinners. My sisters were 14, 17 and 18 – and my mother was 41 (my age right now). You can imagine the dieting / body image / food dysfunction that a household of five single women was a breeding ground for. Of course my mom made sure I was fed- there were frozen dinners (Lean Cuisine), but otherwise, there was not a lot of food in the house as my sisters/mom were always dieting. Having struggled with her weight for many years, my mom did not want me to suffer her same fate. However, when I went to my best friend’s house, that was another story….a panacea of forbidden food and treats – even a cookie jar (so blatant, so open, so tempting) which I so distinctly remember raiding daily. These memories are in no way to blame anyone – it is what it is, but it serves to concretize the all or nothing thinking that let me to my binge-like behavior. The craziness never caught up to me until age 14. I’m not sure if it was the academic stress of my high school or puberty, but I gained 30 pounds in one year – not a normal weight gain for a 14 year-old girl. At the end of that year I begged and pleaded to my mother to send me to weight watchers camp. She finally conceded probably thinking she help me would get this under control early on. I lost weight, I gained weight. I lost weight, I gained weight. Times this experience by five thousand and perhaps you have an idea of the number of attempts I have made in my life…Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, diet pills, Atkins, boot camp, hypnosis, intuitive eating, life coaches, therapists, etc. There is no end to the torture I have felt and put myself through. Somehow the only thing that soothed the pain was the very thing causing it. My identity and sense of self-worth is so intricately involved with my weight – it’s near impossible to separate the two. And no matter how much insight I have into the craziness and the chaos, I have been unsuccessful at pulling myself out of it. -The desperation and the self-loathing getting stronger with every failed attempt. On occasions when I was able to lose weight and maintain for a while – it was truly a blissful feeling. Not because I felt so good about my appearance or ever felt skinny. But because it was such freedom from the obsessive thinking that has plagued me forever. It has been a very long time since I have experienced that – as for the past decade or so, the ‘fat me’ has won.
Don’t get me wrong, despite the occasional self-deprecating remark, this is my own private hell. I am a productive member of society – often helping others emerge from their own psychic pain. Friends think I am carefree and bubbly. Though I have not had to purchase an extra airline seat, I feel the pain of being over weight so deeply. I understand feeling invisible and the experience that people judge and do not take you seriously. There is shame and guilt and self-loathing that is difficult for anyone to understand who has not been there themselves. I know I am in a safe place to share this and unfortunately many of you have experienced this pain as well.
I had heard something about plication this past summer and I excitedly began researching options for surgery for lower BMI. Plication was definitely not the answer but I began to feel more and more certain that Veritical Sleeve Gastrectomy was the answer. There was no crazy bypassing of anything – just what seems like a completely rational reduction of a stomach that did not need to be so large – no major physical overhaul, less risks. Though I would have qualified in the states, my insurance would not have covered this. Despite my initial trepidation about Mexico, the more I researched it, the more excited I got about it. These doctors have done more VSGs than most any in the states. When I happened upon vertical sleeve talk, I felt like I discovered a whole new world – excitement took over me as I knew I had found an answer to a torture that had darkly clouded much of my world. I spent countless hours reading thousands upon thousands of posts. Weighing out the good, the bad and the ugly. This was not advertisement. These were not scholarly journals. This forum was filled with hundreds of people, just like myself, who have been through the pain and suffering and have emerged on the other side – grateful, free and loving their new life. What began as a pipe dream eventually became a reality.
I was scheduled for the week between Christmas and New Years. I told my mother and not another soul. I had a few concerns… obviously fear that something would go terribly wrong as I was by myself in Tijuana, and also how I was going to explain this drastic weight loss to anyone who might notice. But overall, I had a strange confidence that I would be okay a sense of calm about the decision.
The process of VSG in Mexico, at least the company that I went with, is like a well-oiled machine. I had no major complaints and the staff were very kind. I read enough of the forum members’ very detailed accounts, that I felt pretty familiar with the whole process.
Thank GOD!!! The surgery went off without a hitch. I did not vomit, I had no complications. I was able to eat without any negative consequences. I had gained about 15 pounds between the process of deciding to get this surgery – lost a little before surgery date. In the two weeks following I lost 14 pounds total. That was two months ago.
Herein lies the problem. I have not lost any weight in the two months since then. SO I am basically where I began. Or, let me clarify – I will lose 2 or 3 and gain it right back. I have a smaller stomach, I get fuller a little more quickly than before the surgery……BUT IN NO WAY do I have the restriction that any other person on this forum has. I mentioned I was lower BMI. Because of this, my surgeon informed me he decided to remove less than of the stomach than normal.
I now read this forum with tears in my eyes and resentment in my heart. How could this not have worked? My appetite is the same and there is very little restriction. So I am at this place where this has been the same failure as any other diet. How can this surgery which has been so life changing to so many hundreds and hundreds of people not even have had a slight impact on my situation?
I get it. I know I am the one who is supposed to make healthier choices, and eat less and exercise more. I have always known that. So have each of you. People on this forum lose weight not because of a purposeful massive overhaul on their thinking – yes, of course that plays into it, as it has for every diet we have all tried. People here lose the weight because their stomachs no longer allow them to eat how they used to. Either the food does not agree with them, or the restriction is drastically decreasing the amount of food eaten. Changes that occur with thinking and behavior absolutely do occur – but they occur as the RESULT of the physical changes. Otherwise, there is no way to explain the collective thousands of failed diet attempts. According to many articles the success rate of losing weight and keeping it off is 5%!
Do I talk to the surgeon again, or just let it go? I doubt he can do another surgery and feel like he will say ,“It was only a tool.” Am I truly the only person for whom this surgery did not work? The only thing that I am grateful for in all of this is, 1) That I did not die as a result of the surgery and am not suffering serious side effects and, 2) that this surgery did help so many who have been through this same suffering as I. I would still recommend someone have this done, as it has worked miracles for so many.
I am trying to finish being angry that it did not work on me – which is one of the reasons I am writing this letter. I am at a place now where I am dieting. I have started a four-day quasi-starvation diet today with the hopes that it will motivate me. I plan to try to stick with Atkins-type diet following that. But I am dieting and living as I always have – with obsessive thoughts (now mixed with disbelief of this failing) and a heavy heart.
My pre-surgery bundle of emotions including: excitement, fear, relief, exuberance, etc. Have been replaced by feelings of confusion, sadness and desperation. I am sorry if my feelings of anger come off as offensive to anyone. Any words of wisdom are welcome.