Cadilex

I've looked for it for as far back as I can remember, really, even though everything I do seems to say I don't really want it found. And in the end, when it found me, it did exactly what I thought I wanted - it changed everything. That thing, that one thing, has catapulted me from the comfort I know into a new place I thought wanted to go. I know it's a good thing, but all I can think is, "What have I done?"

I am sick now. That kind of sick that makes the doctor say, "If you don't lose some weight now, you are going to die - and I don't mean in a year or two - I mean very soon."

Kidneys working at 25 percent. Liver working at about the same.

I haven't been in my 50s long enough yet to even say hello.

It wasn't the "Ah-Ha! moment" I wanted at all. My family will know what I've pretended all these years they didn't... that I am an idiot for being so careless with the precious, joy-filled, blessed life given so freely to me - a husband I love beyond measure and who absolutely adores me, too, two great kids who married well and have beautiful kids of their own, a boat-load of wonderful friends, a Savior who died for me, and all the other requisite bells and whistles.

An idiot.

The really sick thing about it is that the thing I find the most frightening isn't that I find myself so close to death!! No, it isn't that at all. I am paralized with fear at the thought that I will have to give up my fat shield.

How will I hide whatever it is I must be hiding? Who will I be without it? Do I really have the courage to find out?
This morning, I was pretty sure I didn't.
Today is the first day in this long process that I am really frightened and wobbly. I have been thinking about where I was a few months ago when I got home from the doctor after getting such frightening news about the true state of my health. I sat down at my computer and wrote those words above - not TO anyone, just to get out what it was I was thinking about all that had happened to me in those past few days.
Although, with the unwavering support and help from my amazing husband of 35 years, I have decided, after months of research, to move forward with the decision to have the vertical sleeve, I found myself almost crippled this morning by the fear of not knowing who I will be after this process is over. I have cried and cried. I cried out of frustration because I have no idea what happened to me that would allow me to eat myself into such a horrible mess. I just wanted to throw up my hands and go hide my soul somewhere where no one could ever find it again.
Fear is a hateful, hateful thing.

Then - and this will REALLY sound stupid - I decided I was more afraid of someone thinking I was afraid of ANYTHING than I was of being afraid to keep on trying. Don't worry. I don't understand it either.
So I blew my nose, dried my eyes, washed my face and took a deep breath. I took a long look in the mirrow and told myself that feeling sorry for myself - and everyone else whose lives I have robbed of joy because of my weight problems and its related issues - wasn't going to accomplish anything and it was effort I should be putting toward making the situation better instead of worse.

I know if I don't come to terms with the unknown ahead of me, it is going to cripple me.

I've looked for it for as far back as I can remember, really, even though everything I do seems to say I don't really want it found. And in the end, when it found me, it did exactly what I thought I wanted - it changed everything. That thing, that one thing, has catapulted me from the comfort I know into a new place I thought wanted to go. I know it's a good thing, but all I can think is, "What have I done?"

I am sick now. That kind of sick that makes the doctor say, "If you don't lose some weight now, you are going to die - and I don't mean in a year or two - I mean very soon."

Kidneys working at 25 percent. Liver working at about the same.

I haven't been in my 50s long enough yet to even say hello.

It wasn't the "Ah-Ha! moment" I wanted at all. My family will know what I've pretended all these years they didn't... that I am an idiot for being so careless with the precious, joy-filled, blessed life given so freely to me - a husband I love beyond measure and who absolutely adores me, too, two great kids who married well and have beautiful kids of their own, a boat-load of wonderful friends, a Savior who died for me, and all the other requisite bells and whistles.

An idiot.

The really sick thing about it is that the thing I find the most frightening isn't that I find myself so close to death!! No, it isn't that at all. I am paralized with fear at the thought that I will have to give up my fat shield.

How will I hide whatever it is I must be hiding? Who will I be without it? Do I really have the courage to find out?
This morning, I was pretty sure I didn't.
Today is the first day in this long process that I am really frightened and wobbly. I have been thinking about where I was a few months ago when I got home from the doctor after getting such frightening news about the true state of my health. I sat down at my computer and wrote those words above - not TO anyone, just to get out what it was I was thinking about all that had happened to me in those past few days.
Although, with the unwavering support and help from my amazing husband of 35 years, I have decided, after months of research, to move forward with the decision to have the vertical sleeve, I found myself almost crippled this morning by the fear of not knowing who I will be after this process is over. I have cried and cried. I cried out of frustration because I have no idea what happened to me that would allow me to eat myself into such a horrible mess. I just wanted to throw up my hands and go hide my soul somewhere where no one could ever find it again.
Fear is a hateful, hateful thing.

Then - and this will REALLY sound stupid - I decided I was more afraid of someone thinking I was afraid of ANYTHING than I was of being afraid to keep on trying. Don't worry. I don't understand it either.
So I blew my nose, dried my eyes, washed my face and took a deep breath. I took a long look in the mirrow and told myself that feeling sorry for myself - and everyone else whose lives I have robbed of joy because of my weight problems and its related issues - wasn't going to accomplish anything and it was effort I should be putting toward making the situation better instead of worse.

I know if I don't come to terms with the unknown ahead of me, it is going to cripple me.

I've looked for it for as far back as I can remember, really, even though everything I do seems to say I don't really want it found. And in the end, when it found me, it did exactly what I thought I wanted - it changed everything. That thing, that one thing, has catapulted me from the comfort I know into a new place I thought wanted to go. I know it's a good thing, but all I can think is, "What have I done?"

I am sick now. That kind of sick that makes the doctor say, "If you don't lose some weight now, you are going to die - and I don't mean in a year or two - I mean very soon."

Kidneys working at 25 percent. Liver working at about the same.

I haven't been in my 50s long enough yet to even say hello.

It wasn't the "Ah-Ha! moment" I wanted at all. My family will know what I've pretended all these years they didn't... that I am an idiot for being so careless with the precious, joy-filled, blessed life given so freely to me - a husband I love beyond measure and who absolutely adores me, too, two great kids who married well and have beautiful kids of their own, a boat-load of wonderful friends, a Savior who died for me, and all the other requisite bells and whistles.

An idiot.

The really sick thing about it is that the thing I find the most frightening isn't that I find myself so close to death!! No, it isn't that at all. I am paralized with fear at the thought that I will have to give up my fat shield.

How will I hide whatever it is I must be hiding? Who will I be without it? Do I really have the courage to find out?
This morning, I was pretty sure I didn't.
Today is the first day in this long process that I am really frightened and wobbly. I have been thinking about where I was a few months ago when I got home from the doctor after getting such frightening news about the true state of my health. I sat down at my computer and wrote those words above - not TO anyone, just to get out what it was I was thinking about all that had happened to me in those past few days.
Although, with the unwavering support and help from my amazing husband of 35 years, I have decided, after months of research, to move forward with the decision to have the vertical sleeve, I found myself almost crippled this morning by the fear of not knowing who I will be after this process is over. I have cried and cried. I cried out of frustration because I have no idea what happened to me that would allow me to eat myself into such a horrible mess. I just wanted to throw up my hands and go hide my soul somewhere where no one could ever find it again.
Fear is a hateful, hateful thing.

Then - and this will REALLY sound stupid - I decided I was more afraid of someone thinking I was afraid of ANYTHING than I was of being afraid to keep on trying. Don't worry. I don't understand it either.
So I blew my nose, dried my eyes, washed my face and took a deep breath. I took a long look in the mirrow and told myself that feeling sorry for myself - and everyone else whose lives I have robbed of joy because of my weight problems and its related issues - wasn't going to accomplish anything and it was effort I should be putting toward making the situation better instead of worse.

I know if I don't come to terms with the unknown ahead of me, it is going to cripple me.

December 4 with Dr. Nicholson in Dallas!

December 4 with Dr. Nicholson in Dallas!