Newbeginning

In keeping with my juvenile and silly sense of humor, I have to share this. I saw something today that made me laugh out loud.
 
What surprises me is that I had read it before and did not think for a minute it was all that funny. But when I read it today I bust out laughing. Here goes.
 
On one of the forums someone wanted to encourage another member to take charge of a particular aspect of her diet. She used the saying "time to put on your big girl panties."
 
"Big girl panties?" On a weight loss website? That is a level of irony that is just hilarious. Completely unintended. But funny. Now if we could get someone to work in a "lunch lady brasserie" joke, we would have the perfect website.

The Most Evil of all Man’s Inventions -


 

When we were getting larger, the scale was an evil evil device. It was originally designed by man to assist in the development of early commerce, but over time it took on a new and insidious venture. It became the device that quantified what we already knew - we were getting bigger. It was not a secret. We knew it. We knew we were not eating right and could tell we were getting bigger. But as long as those elastic waists and comfort fit pants hung in there, we could kid ourselves into believing that it was not that much weight gained. It was all so vague and easy to ignore.



But the evil scale ruined all that. That "couple of pounds" we had gained since last summer was actually 14.7 pounds!!! And what total chucklehead decided we needed a decimal point on a bathroom scale? What an idiot. I am not a pharmacist carefully measuring out a deadly drug. I am just a fat guy on a bathroom scale. The size of the number is bad enough, the decimal is just sort of an insult. "I weigh 277." Scale: "No, actually you weigh 277.6!" GRRRRRRRR, Stupid scale! I will tell you where you can put that .6 pounds….



BUT NOW….



I have come to reconsider my position -- and being down 50+ pounds has everything to do with it. That decimal point is an amazing and important invention. When I lose .6 pounds, you can bet I want to know all about it!! Don’t be depriving me of my 9.600 ounces of hard earned weight loss! I did not just go to the bathroom, dry my hair, clean out my ears, burp, get naked and take off my glasses to get some vague estimate!!!



I have concluded that the scale is, in fact, not inherently evil. I have come to this based on recent events. Since I have had my surgery I have noticed something amazing that I had never noticed before. It may have been there all along, but I just did not know it. Maybe you knew….but until just recently, I did not know that ….. (wait for it) …..


 
 

The scale can actually go DOWN!!!!



　



Here are three great scale jokes!!!



　



A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "Now I can see the numbers."


 

______



　



Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.



"What’s it for?" one asked.



"I don’t know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it, and it makes you mad…at least it does that for my Dad."



　



　



______


 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry with him. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 250 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. It was not big enough to be the sports car she demanded, so she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
 
ARE WE LAUGHING YET!!!!!!!

Spanx -
This all started when I decided to put a dumb joke on a forum post. The question was a serious one, about when you could start wearing Spanz again after surgery. So I added a version of the age old joke, and it was well received:
 
A guy is undressing at the country club and his friend notices he is wering a pink girdle. He asks when his friend stated wearing a girdle. His friend replied, "Ever since my wife found it in my car."
 
And since I now have a good bit of extra skin around the old equator, I thought, maybe I should see if there is something like that for me. Well, it turns out that there is and soooo much more.
 
I do not see myself as the kind of guy that needs or would wear a pair of briefs with butt enhancers, but it is good to know that if I need them, they are out there - in three color options and an entire array of various lifts. I guess I am lucky in that my butt looks pretty much like it should (I guess). So I do not see this as a necessary accessory. I do think it is funny that you can get different lifts, like determining how high you want to jack up the rear end of your car.
 
If you do not know, Spanx actually has a brand for men called "Manx." It is very expensive. A "compression T-shirt" is 88 bucks. Seems a bit high since it is still 80% cotton. The other 20 percent must be stainless steel if it is going to hold me in...
 
Now about the briefs. There is way too much enhancement going on. Not to be rude, and I understand that men come in all sizes and that goes for each and every part. Again I guess I am lucky there as well. But unlike other things I do not need, I do not see the point of these. This is one area that it seems like if your plans are successful, your secret is going to be out.
 
Finally, what is with the models? The people that are wearing these things do not need them. I get it. You have to sell sexy. But a guy buying a pair of underwear designed to squeeze in his gut like a boa constrictor does not want to see a 30" waisted model wearing it. I need to see if it works. I want to see a big guy in it. I do not need to see smooth tanned sexy abs rippling through the spandex like ... (sorry got carried away there). Give me a good trucker, or a lumberjack, not a super model. With a shaved chest no less... I have chest hair, but I do not shave them - either of them!! Granted, on the man's thong page (which I was only visiting for academic reasons) the super models are nice, but for the shapers ... we need more offensive linemen and less tight ends. (pun intended)
 
Finally, I will admit that you ladies are awesome for wearing some of these things. They look very constricting. And some go from your ankles to your neck line. If I did that I would either have size 25 feet or have 25 chins looking like a badly folded cheap pink turtleneck. You can only squeeze so much, it has to go somewhere. You gals can let it all move upward and enhance the bustline. We do not have that option. Maybe they could squeeze it down far enough and around the corner and make a combination waist reducer and butt enhancer.
 
So I guess I just need to order one and see how it looks. Who knows? Maybe it will take the giggle out of my middle, until I get it down to where I want it to be.

Okay, so here is the deal. This whole Spanx entry started when I added a dumb joke about the guy who has to wear a girdle ever since his wife found it in his car. Sort of caught with something you should not have, so you make up an excuse - in this case "It's mine."
 
So I tell the dumb joke and start looking at the Spanx website (purely for research mind you). And guess what? now I am constantly getting pop-ups for Spanx on my computer. So what is the big deal? We all get pop-ups. Sure, but have you ever walked back into your office to find your young assistant copying files for you on a two monitor set-up.... and look to the left and see as big as Texas a Spanx pop-up on the other screen.
 
If she saw it (which certainly she did) she did not say anything. And I sure as HE(( was not going to say anything! Anything - even an acknowledgement would have made it worse.
 
So now everyone at work that sees my new svelte self is going to simply assume that I am not losing weight, I am just buying tighter ladies under garments!!!
 
Thanks SPANX, now everyone thinks I am a secret cross dresser.
 
There ought to be rules on pop-ups - just because I looked at something on the web, does not mean I want 100's of related ads coming unsolicited to my computer screen. Thank goodness she did not see the ads for "Russian mail order brides" or "How to be a male pole dancer DVD collection." I guess I got off lucky.