Silly Phylly

I am one month out today, and I am so pleased with my sleeve so far. I have really recovered well and so far I have lost 11.2 kgs or 24 lbs
 
I tried on some clothes yesterday so i could work out size-wise what i need to keep and chuck out and was SO pleasantly surprised that I will have to buy new clothes sooner than I thought.
 
I'm still swimming about 6 days a week and I'm really getting in lots of protein, some days I'm even over 100 grams.
 
I have a few issues with BM but have found a helpful laxative tea, I am still a little sore if I try and lift something I shouldn't and getting in water is a bit of a chore.
 
However, my recovery as been so smooth, I really have nothing to worry about. I really think my surgeon Dr Abdulsalman Al Taie did a fantastic job, my incisions have closed up so quickly and my soreness has been extremely minimal- he went in ,cut , stapled and got out with very little trauma to my insides. I am thankful I don't have nausea at all, or acid issues.
I think I can safely say I LOVE MY SLEEVE!

I am still in the pre-approval stage with my insurance. I am trying very hard to go through all the steps that are required and to also get myself ready for after surgery.
 
One of the things that I struggle with is motivation to exercise. It's not actually doing the exercise that is the hard part it's the "getting there" that I struggle with. I have a major fear of being judged. One of the things that I love doing is swimming laps. But in order for me to get to the pool I have to have this major internal dialog with myself and convince myself to go. I hate it so much! Does anyone else deal with this and if so, do you have any advice to make going to the gym or exercising easier?

Well me and Oprah have been doing this yo-yo dance for the past 30+ years. At its worst I have been about 90lbs overweight but usually its 75-80. Anyway it is time to stop the madness. I just cannot keep struggling with this and everything lugging 80 lbs I dont need around means. Probably don't need to go into what it means here with anyone reading this, but that is like two forty lb bags of kitty litter!:-). So here I am. Surgery is scheduled for 8-1-12 and even though I am a nurse (or because I am) I'm pretty nervous. Got the WHAT IF's pretty bad. Am trying to focus on the BUT WHENS!.  But when this is over I hope I can lose 80 for the very last time. But when this is over I can shop for clothes off the rack!. But when this is over I can sit comfortably in an airline seat etc etc etc,,,,,

When Alex suggested members take a three day challenge by tracking every little thing they eat or drink, I thought, "Sure. Why not?"
 
I figured that I'd just be writing down what I was tracking in my head, so no big deal, and I could not only say I read the <i>whole</i> newsletter, but I actually took action. So I attached a sharpened pencil to my daytimer and commenced to keep track of everything I put in my mouth.
 
 
As I looked over my lists last night, I admit I was very close to tears. I would say that the past three days have been pretty typical for me - nothing really out of the ordinary that I could say messed up or changed my regular habits. So no excuse there.
 
I cringe to write this. Over three days, I drank a <i>total</i> of 102 ounces of liquid, consumed +/- 950 calories, and had ZERO protein. I hope y'all were sitting down for this. I swooned myself. How could I, by any stretch of the imagination, call this healthy eating? Ick.
 
Alex's challenge (and the outcome) brought to mind an experience I had working with a nutritionist for the benefit of a mutual client. One day while we were discussing ways in which to re-connect this starving girl to reality, the nutritionist said, "I've found that anyone who has problems with food has an almost infinite capacity for self-deception."
 
Ouch.
 
I'm certainly confronted with my capacity for self-deception. How did I ever morph the reality of that list into something different in my head? I was pretty confident I was keeping track... accurately. Of course, I filed away the decision to "...have more protein tomorrow" in the back my mind. Under a pile of other **** and covered with a mental wet-wool-blanket. Seeing in writing that I'd done that for three days in a row kind of puts my stated commitment to "get healthy" in jeopardy. And, as I am wont to tell my clients, "When the words and the actions don't match, you always go with the actions. They tell the truth."
 
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
 
So, this morning, HWHN and I had a long discussion about what it really means to change our lifestyle. As it happens, he's just had his first complete physical in five years (I see all the women roll their eyes and the men shrug) and it turns out he's great except he's pushing the envelope for cholesterol. Ah. This requires a lifestyle change for him too. No more chocolate (he's the chocoholic) and no more cheeseburgers stuffed with deep-fried onion rings. (Fortunately, HWHN is not overweight, but apparently his arteries are protesting.)
 
The 'lifestyle change' discussion precipitated a general discussion about our life, and we've decided to make some other changes as well. We've done this before, he and I - we know we can do it again. Changing our lives the first time meant I beat off the MS and got out of a wheelchair, and "flipping over the Monopoly board" again brought us out of the cold of the Great White Up to SandyTown and changed the course of HWHN's genetically-inherited arthritis. We can do this again.
 
So an "epic fail" has caused us to take stock of what we're actually doing. Not just what we <i>think</i> we're doing. No. Really doing. And we're not doing so hot on the whole self-care thing. But, that's about to change. It's already begun. HWHN wants to avoid having to take Lipitor with all its attendant side-effects, and I'd like to get out of starvation mode, continue losing weight and keep at least a little bit of hair.
 
Here's to Alex - thanks for the newsletter, the challenge, and the opportunity to really confront the self-deception that "...doth so easily beset us all."

Okay so my surgery is 8/7/12 and it cannot come to soon. the longer I am this big the worse I feel. I wake up and my ankles hurt my body is sore I'm so sick of feeling this way I am bigger than I've ever been which is why I decided to have the surgery. I kinda wish I could have decided sooner so I could be having it now. I know it's not that long but every day has become a chore for me. Keep in mind I have 4 kids ages 8,6,3,and 2 so it's not lie I can just sit around all day if I could I would be much bigger I'm sure. I know this sounds like a gripe session and I guess it is but I don't want to let my husband know how much my excess weight is affecting me and I just needed to vent I feel like somethings gonna happen to stop me from my surgery and I'm terrified. I guess I just want it so bad and sometimes I stress myself out like that. I just feel ill almost all the time now , headaches which I'm pretty sure are because sleeping is so uncomfortable now I wake up in pain. Gosh August can't come too soon. I try to remind myself that there is now a light at the tunnel. The clock is just ticking so slowly! I'll be alright just had to get it out ok now I will continue looking forward and know that it will soon be worth all this pain.

Well, it's only one week now until I go for my first appointments with the surgeon, dietician and psychologist. Unfortunately, I was supposed to go on Monday but it was put back a few days. I was disappointed initially as the clinic is a 10 hour drive away and I'd already paid for accommodation and now I have to pay for further accommodation later in the week as well but I realised that I am actually complaining about having to spend five days on the beautiful Gold Coast (in Australia). How ridiculous!!
 
It's funny - I am a psychologist but I've never actually been to a psychologist, so I am not sure what to expect by seeing an exercise psychologist. LOL, I've been putting together my developmental history
and looking at my relationship with food and the faulty cognitions that I have around eating and food It was then that I realised that it probably defeats the purpose to "prepare" for this and from a professional perspective, it gives me good insight into what it must be like for my clients on their first appointment! So I am perversely curious about seeing the psychologist now
 
 
I am so excited about seeing the surgeon and getting my date for surgery. At this stage, I was told by the staff it could be as soon as 3 September. Wow. I just can't' wait for this!! I am worried that something will occur that will make me ineligible for the surgery not that I know what that is but there is a lingering concern.
 
I am pretty big - about 366 pounds (hope I have that right) and I worry that means that I will be too big for surgery and that it will put my date back. It probably sounds silly (on reflection, I know it sounds silly) but there it is.
 
I had wanted to start my diet prep this week and as per my previous blog, started the shakes which were quite nice but for the past three days I've been sick with the flu. So I've had nothing but lemonade icy poles and watered down juice. I did manage to get down a little porridge this morning but that's been it. On the upside I think I've lost a little weight lol but it will come back as soon as I am well again - I know that from experience.
 
So the update is one week to go until first appointments. Hoping so hard that it will all be fine and I can get my surgery done soon. My birthday is in August and every year at this time I tell myself I'll be thinner and healthier by my birthday next year - this is the first time that I actually believe that it will happen