It has been so long...
· sparkleplentymom · 04/18/2013 11:32
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sparkleplentymom
LAP-BAND Patients
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Blog Entries posted by sparkleplentymom
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I had my surgery March 2009 at 307 pounds. I haven't tracked fills - I was concerned about getting hung up on the number, like I had about the number on the scale most of my life. My last doctor's visit was in January of 2012 and the doctor said that I had as much fill as I could. I have failed my band. I have failed it to a point of not ever wanting to come back to a doctor's appointment or writing on a blog like this. But I've decided that I need to face it rather than try to ignore it. The person I see in the mirror each day reminds me anyway. And I'm getting deeper and deeper into depression ignoring it. -----------------------------Do any of you who has had their band for awhile remember the feeling of going to support groups, being able to share how much you've lost? Do you remember how you felt about people who were having a difficult time, or who couldn't make it work? I remember this. I remember thinking "how does this happen? It is so simple. There are rules, you follow them, and the weight comes off. I feel so bad for them but really --- all they have to do is follow the program." Well, arrogance follows you until one day you turn around and it is staring you in the face. ---------------------------I have lost 38 pounds. It one point I was down 63 pounds. Slowly, I tried new foods. Foods that I didn't really even care to eat, like chips, ice cream, candy. I used to love salty food, so the chips made sense. But ice cream and candy? What was up with that. It was like I wanted to take my LBand out for a drive to see what it could do. And the whole point I missed was that IT ISN'T ABOUT THE BAND. It isn't about testing it or testing the foods. I PUT MYSELF INTO A BAD POSITION AND I DID NOT PASS THE TEST. I quickly lost that "glow" that I had from losing weight, having my pants so loose I had to buy new ones, finding clothes in my closet that never looked right and being able to wear them, or better yet, get rid of them because they were so big. and where I am today: I CANNOT FIND THAT GLOW AGAIN. I feel lost and embarrassed and thankful that I didn't tell anyone at work that I had the surgery. I fear failure, I despise it. And I've come to that place again -- you know what I'm going to say -- where I realize that I don't like myself very much. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The positives that still remain are that I've lost 38 pounds. My reflux is still gone. My blood sugar and pressure are still good (they never required medicine but I was heading that way quickly). I still wear one size smaller than I did when I started. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Where do I go from here? If there is anyone out there who has been where I am , and has gotten back into the program and into success, I desperately need to hear from you. I used the word "desperate." I don't use that word very often.