SpecialK1960

Here are some good diet jokes - send me yours... I don't exercise at all. If God had wanted me to touch my toes He would have put them up higher on my body! Time to Diet: 1. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. 2. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. 3. You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. 4. You get a paper cut and gravy comes out Wife to her overweight husband: Last night there were two pieces of cake in this pantry and now there is only one. How do you explain that? Husband: I guess it was so dark that I didn't see the other piece. Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Bruno and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in weight." "Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend. "Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first." I'M ON A 90 DAY WONDER DIET. THUS FAR, I'VE LOST 45 DAYS. Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183." Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?" Although I thought was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style. Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?" "One," she retorted. Love to laugh - hope you do too.

Here are a few more jokes.... Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually shut her up with four or five cupcakes. You may need to diet when: 1. the back of your neck looks like a pack of hotdogs. 2. You have to iron your pants on the driveway. 3. Your cereal bowl has a lifeguard. 4. Your gym teacher tells you to touch your toes. And you reply, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?" Definition of a bathroom scale: A device that only seems to work correctly when one holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to the left. My new theory on calories – This actually makes a bit of sense, which scares me terribly. I have redefined the Calorie as: the basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. That is why cake has more calories, because you have to rationalize more. Salads take almost no rationalizing – and contain almost no calories. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my fat to take, And leave behind a skinny shell, And all my fat can go to HE…!!! “No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” — George Bernard Shaw I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon

Kathleen Madigan - a great comedian - tells about her sister gaining weight when pregnant. She had gained 45 pounds. She asked her sister did she think that the baby really weighed that much.... " Sure, honey you are about to have the world's biggest baby. Now put down the donuts...."

I am losing way fast, but it is tapering. I also ate like a pig during my last three days of food, so I had packed on a few extra false pounds that came off the second I hit that pre-op liquid diet. I was losing right at a pound per day, and that is likely too much. I was carefully watching my calories, Protein, Water, etc. It is getting less now. But as I get lighter I am working out more and so I an keeping the weight loss pretty high. In the first month I was down about 28 pounds. I am currently 2 days short of 7 weeks (1 week liquid diet and 6 weeks post op) and I am down about 42 pounds. But every bit as important - I am losing inches. I need to re-measure, but at my widest point (bellyroll) I am down 9 inches from my highest. But I think I am very atypical. It should be a good bit slower than that. I have seen others on here that have lost at my rate or faster, but the more common loss rate is slower. remember to not let anyone else's experience get you down if you are losing at a slower rate. It is a journey -

That is awesome. You are losing .73 pounds per day. At this rate, you will officially disappear in 353 more days. So put July 21, 2013 on your calendar. OR you could just Celebrate your awesome success!!!

Funny how when we look back, so many of our memories are food based. And the way family and food go together - Thanksgiving, Sunday dinner, so much of our family interaction is around the table. Being 100% Irish, I do not have quite the great Italian food stories. But some good soda bread... or the New England Boiled Dinner: potatoes, carrots, cabbage boiled in a pot with either a piece of something dead, or an old shoe... never did find out which it was - did not much matter after all the boiling.

You have to admit we have been through some funny stuff. There are all kinds of indignities to being overweight. But the stuff we have gone through in our VSG journey - all in the name of beauty - are above and beyond the norm. I will do an entire post on the rope-down-the-nose test, but that was one of the weirdest things I have ever had to do. And I am convinced that the doctor knew what he was doing when he picked a cute, incredibly personable young lady for that job. 'Cause I'll tell you one thing, if she was not sweet, funny and personable, I would have strangled her with my slime covered nose rope. BLECH. Or when the nurse, in getting me up to walk around the hospital floor at 10:30 at night was having to fix my gown. I do not know what she was doing back there but (no pun intended) it seemed to take a long time and my fanny was cold. So, I will post here, as I am not sure that my silly humor is always appreciated by unsuspecting readers when I reply on the various forums.

I am very lucky in that I have a very supportive spouse. Here is my suggestion - refocus his attitude into motivation for you. Every time he makes a comment or gives you a look, just register that up in the motivation bank. Use it to keep you motivated. It's kind of like when someone says that you can't do something - use it to prove them wrong. And remember you made the decision to change your eating habits - he has not made that decision yet. But he will... Trust me when you start really losing inches - so that it is obvious - it will make a difference. Good luck and remember to stay true to yourself and your decision - and congratulations for making the decision to improve!!

I was a huge beer drinker prior to surgery. I even had a few up until midnight the night before surgery - Hey, it is a clear liquid and I had a 2 pm surgery time the next day. I know that I was drinking too much. I would have 2-3 tall beers (4-6 12 ounce beers) almost every night - and sometimes more on weekends. That is 40-50 beers a week. It played a huge role in my making the decision to sleeve. Since surgery I have done great. I have sipped one beer, and it did not do all that much for me. I am 5 weeks out and have not had a beer. I still hang out at a sports bar 2-3 nights a week and on the weekends. I just have tea. Not quite the same, but I have been able to not drink and still maintain my sports bar lifestyle. No flack from anyone, but I am a regular. It's funny but a regular in a bar can get drunk and obnoxious and no one says anything. Well, guess what if you are a regular, you can drink tea and no one says anything either. Good luck to all that are having trouble. i was worried that I would not be able to do it - but I have. I hope any one struggling can find the strength to get through it. I am so happy to be losing weight that I am using it as a motivation not to drink. In fact my bartender yesterday made me stand up, so she could get a look at how much weight I have lost. Felt great! And ordered another tea.

GOOD LUCK. Hope all goes well. And congrats on making the decision to change your life. Remember that the surgery is just the beginning - but a great future lies ahead.

You know something has gone terribly wrong in your life when getting to eat "mushies" and "slushies" is something to look forward to...LOL Before you know it your current problem will be gone .... "water under the bridge" as they say.... Okay, bad cliche. But you get my drift. Each stage seems an eternity, but each one passes before you know it. I got to eat real, non-blendered beef today. Of course it was "pot roasted" to oblivion, but was not technically put in a blender, so I am still celebrating. You will be too soon.

Another thing to remember is the woman's sizes vary tremendously from store to store. I have been shopping with my wife when she went to try on some outfit and even though it was the right size, it was way too small. I also note that some stores on-line state that there sizes "run small" and to order one size larger. Why? As if it is not hard enough to find the time and money to shop, now we have brands that are adding a degree of difficulty as well. As a man I think sizes that "run small" or "run large" are a ridiculous marketing ploy that in the end serves no one. If a size 12 is not a size 12 everywhere, then there is no such thing. I will admit to happily pondering what my sizes will be .... I am hoping for a 36x32 - so I guess I will be about a size 12 LOL!!!

When I checked out of the hospital I did a survey (everyone wants a survey now adays). But one of the questions it asked was something like "Did the hospital have everything you needed in an appropriate size for a bariatric patient?" The gowns were big, as was everything else. So at least at Medical City Dallas they have what you need. It is good to see that they are aware of the issue and track it.

And it works for the men too. My wife says I am sexy. I am a hunk, not a chunk. And we have been making the dogs leave the bedroom a whole lot more often - Hey, no one needs an audience that can not appreciate my best moves!!

Always looking at the lighter side.... 12 grams of Protein powder is 36-60 calories. Most likely around 38 calories for an unflavored powder. In order to burn 38 calories you would have to play cards for about 24 minutes (no the most strenuous activity) or write for 18 minutes... Bottom line is that although all calories matter. 40 calories of extremely nutritious calories are not going to be the problem. Besides you are so upset, I bet you have burned off more calories that he accidentely slipped you. Hence, you are probably even or maybe ahead. Stay really mad for about 1 more hour just to be sure. THEN thank your lucky stars you have a husband that is willing to be a part of your journey. Who has loved you when you were big and is hand and hand (allbeit an incompetent one) with you on your difficulty road to a new slimmer you. So call him a chucklehead - hit him with a pillow (above the waist please) and then hug him. That's just my advice, I could be wrong.

I am right there with you. Division 1 track and swimming, 30 marathons, 25 triathlons.... and now 110 pounds overweight. I got some great news though. I am losing weight at a rate that is beyond belief. I am working out again like an animal and the losses are unbelievable. All that old time strength and training know how comes back. I am down 42 pounds. And happier than I have been in 15 years.

I would suggest using a vanilla protein powder rather than an unflavored version. It will not overpower the fruit, but seems a bit more refined and not so raw tasting. I also agree if possible use a blender. It makes it so much smoother. Because we all want smoothies - not lumpies.

I would try to call the doctor's office first and let them know, so you do not have to say it in front of your husband - "you wait here!". On the other hand, if he is supportive and you have made the decision to go ahead and change your life.... why not let him know what you are BOTH leaving behind. - Just a thought.

I stayed off coffee until I went back to work. Then I just had a small cup without even thinking. No problems at all. I drink the decaf whenever I feel like it. For my pre-op diet I did the Bariatric Advantage Mocha protein shakes and they were pretty good. I added a bit of sugarfree hot chocolate mix and it was really darn good. I think that is why I did not really miss the coffee.

There is a comedian that talks about how even as an adult he laughs everytime he squirts out the shampoo and it makes a PPHHFFLLTT sound. Well, I guess I am like that. There are two things I have seen on here that just made me think like a 12 year old... 1. In a perfectly serious and nice forum post one user posted "It is official, I am in a stall." Then she went on to describe her frustration at her weight not moving at all for like 2 weeks. Definitely a stall and a very frustrating one. Nothing to laugh at....... Well, all I could think of when I first read the headline was that she was stuck in a public bathroom somewhere. I can just see me stuck in a bathroom - and being the goof that I am - I would text something like....It's official, I'm in a stall!. Sorta had to be there, but I thought it was funny 2. The one thing that really cracks me up... and I am dying - literally dying - to be able to use this on some unsuspecting person. In this very specific subject website we have our own vocabulary that no one else uses (foamies, sliming, etc.) And we all know what we mean because there is such a fine and narrow context built into all of our posts. However, we fling around the terms pre-op and post-op like we own them. We do not own them. There is another very narrowly defined group that uses these very same words. And they are not talking about having your stomach cut off. They are aiming lower -much lower. I hope I can just drop in a conversation somewhere that I am 2 months post-op with no additional information. Then just watch to see how people treat me. We all know that big people are treated different. But I can only imagine that if people thought I had just gone through surgery to change my "accessories." That would be hilarious. I couls also probably answer questions honestly. Did it hurt? no. How long were you in the hospital? not long. Do you feel different? oh yes!! Do people treat you differently? yes. Was your family supportive? Yes, especially my wife and kids - that ought to get a look. Then go for the total freak out. Do you want to see my incisions?

Here is another thought. What if it were not you that you were deciding for??? Let's say you had to make the decision for your child, or a parent or husband (and if sometimes he makes you want to shoot him, and he has lots of insurance, then that is a bad example). But anyway. You have to make this decision for someone you love very much who is depending on you to make the right decision. Would the money even enter into the equation? Probably not. We would never think of cutting a cost when it comes to those we love. And yet when we make decisions about our selves.... for some reason, we look at factors such as money that really do not belong there. So my advice is take the money out of the question. Then make the decision based on the various pros and cons of each surgeon without regard to the money. Just like you would do for someone you loved. And then love yourself - figuratively - not being dirty (just silly)

I am just 4.5 weeks out. The idea of eating a hotdog again (season ticket holder for the Texas Rangers) makes me want to cry. Right now, as you guys know, there are no sandwhiches or hot dogs. Glad to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel - or better yet, a hotdog with my name on it. GO RANGERS!

Try not weighing everyday. It is sort of like the watched pot that never boils. And do not underestimate the weight you are carrying as a result of 4 days with no BM. As much as you are excercising you should hopefully stay pretty regular. I would not go much longer before taking something that might get you "moving again." Good luck and remember often after a plateau there is a big drop that has been hiding for a while.

Always always always choose the experienced doctor. He is the one that will be taking your life and future into his hands. Great schools do not mean as much in the medical field as in other areas. The ciriculum and testing is somewhat standardized across the nation. What difference does it make what hospital you are in? They all have bad food, wake you up constantly, make you wear a gown so your tucus hangs out.... What amtters is the man with the knife. PERIOD. Hopefully with his experience all will go perfect. Also if something comes up, he is more likely to have seen it before and know what to do about it. There is no medical procedure that does not havea learning curve. If you have the option, do not be part of the curve, be the late comer that simply benfits from all the experience gained on procedures done before yours. I can not think of a better way to spend a few extra bucks. Life is too short not to get the best. I researched doctors and got one of the best in the country (luckily here in Dallas). His office waiting is long. But you know what? I am okay with that. I went to the best and others want that too.

It is funny how it really is the little things in life that make all the difference. And also how we take so many dumb little details for granted. If you are going to be in a chair for hours on end, it becomes important. It is not just a chair issue it is a "taking care of yourself issue." So glad you got what you wanted.