BlessedBeyondMeasure2012

I was/am a big-time closet eater. I'm the one who nobody can figure out why I was fat because they never saw me eat. I'd open a package and eat the whole thing so I could toss the bag and hide the evidence. I'd eat a whole pizza or a whole pie or 6 cupcakes or a pint (or a quart) of ice cream. The worst was when I was all alone, in my dorm room or after I got married, when my husband was away for the day or (much worse) traveling for work for a few days. I'd eat the whole time. I may nit have finished it all in a sitting but I'd get it done. I used to go to mcdonalds and order: 1 quarter pounder meal, large, and 1 double cheeseburger. The quarter pounder just wasn't enough!
But I was in huge denial especially to my husband, who had no idea about my binges. I lost weight on programs like Weight Watchers, but my food journals never showed my binges. They showed me eating perfectly. It was an exercise in self-delusion.
I know why I did it and I've had lots of therapy. I was a physically and sexually abused child and food was a comfort as a kid. Also my parents had me on diets from a very young age (and I wasn't even fat) and my bone-thin brother was allowed (even forced, also abusively) to eat to the point of vomiting. He got pop tarts for Breakfast and I got fruit. Of course I snuck treats into my room and ate them in the middle of the night. Of course I binged when I went to friends' houses, or on birthdays/holidays/special occasions when I was allowed to eat as much as I could hold. On pizza nights my brother and I were praised for how many pieces of pizza we could get down. Then I was put into foster care at age 12. Age 14 my foster parents decided we were all vegetarian. Loss of choice around food again. I ate meat and junk whenever I could get it. They also sent me signals that I was fat and limited my food.
I was in so much pain and turmoil and food was the only thing I felt like I was choosing in my life. I'm an adult now and I have control of all my choices.
Knowing this wasn't enough to break the cycle. Therapy helped me understand but didn't break my food patterns. The sleeve has (so far) been that extra push and given me that control. It has also been enough of a disruption to give me a chance to think and to breathe. I have been working on myself, hard, since before surgery, knowing that there will come a time (probably soon) when the restriction doesn't keep me on the straight and narrow anymore. I've already done food misdeeds in small ways and I can feel that it would be so easy to go for the sliders to feel that temporary comfort.
I'm well aware of my issues. Thanks for this thread. It's important to check in with the demons and look them in the eye on a regular basis.

I'll PM you my address for my reading fee haha This site really does help you work through some amazing things though doesn't it?
Im such an enabler to myself it is awful. I think I could justify eating an entire pizza to myself an hour after Thanksgiving dinner if I wanted to. Well...no I couldn't anymore. Pre sleeve...absofuckinglutely. Now...My hungry brain answers to my bitchy logical brain...It was weird how that logical part got so loud after surgery though...Sure my hungry side still shouts out like a child in a toy aisle when I pass by McDonalds or sees a doughnut. But...It doesn't throw a temper tantrum. It shouts once, my bitchy side laughs and that's the end of the episode mostly.
My "big closet" is our huge shower. Although, I've never been in good enough shape to clean it even close to all the way. We have really hard Water, so I have to use harsh chemicals to get it to look good. Well.. a fat chick + slight asthma + smelly chemicals + a huge shower + intense scrubbing = disturbing to say the least lol I think after Thanksgiving Im going to tackle that damned shower once and for all. It will be an early Christmas present to myself. A shower that is clean and sparkly lol

Oh lipstick, life makes us lose so much valuable post time...

Lol we cracked the code!!

She said crack.....<snicker>

It's like 5th grade when you figured out you could talk shit around your friends and your parents would never know....at least til you slipped up and mom beat the living hell out of you.

It's like pig Latin but with ED if you ad an "ED" it's ok!!

That's fucked...

oh man, I got bleeped out!!!! Ohhh I'm a rebel!!

It'd be a bitch getting the angles just right to sew it all together...you'd have to have a zillion mirrors.

Well if you're going to go that far....you may as well perform your own surgery. I believe I could do a sleeve on myself but not sure what size bougie to use.

The biggest problem with that thread was not the OP...although her story did change as she went along. But rather it was another poster who gave some rather deluded advice.
If you don't start reading all the threads in their entirety I'm going to have to revoke your super-sarcasm-enabler status.

Oh no! I took a joke seriously again! My son has been berating me and saying I've lost my sense of humor along with my stomach My bad

Redbean there may be a time when you will be able to again... That's when it gets tough..
In the early days sweet made me queasy!
Not anymore sweet makes me want more.
I like sweet but also my downfall is savory oh and tortilla chips they are the devil.

How many stories have we heard/read from people who claim they eat like a bird, here and in real life? Tons! There is a fairly new one that screams denial and I have sworn to myself to keep my mouth shut so as not to go in screaming HAIRY FAIRY LIAR!! I have no ill feelings towards those steeping in deep denial, I just know my big fat mouth and my brain sometimes fail to communicate effectively.
Everyone's story is unique and I despise the us against them mentality. My way of reaching moo cow status is certainly not superior to anyone else's. if anything, it's the most shameful. I have nothing to blame physically, chemically, mentally (as in deep suppressed psych trauma) or anything other than pure gluttony. Plain and simple.
My eating habits are reason #385497144/6 that I should have been born a man. No joke!

No, I ate like a piggy :-( Thank goodness for the sleeve. No more piggy eating possible!

I guess you and I are the only fat chicks here that are fat because we ate like piggies

I have to catch myself and keep from judging those who want to cheat. Didn't I also cheat on my previous diets? Of course I did. Just because I didn't cheat on my pre-op or post-op, doesn't mean that's not a legitimate, real, and sometimes insurmountable issue for some others. As you say, let's not forget where we came from and let's not judge. Some days that's hard.

Like Laura, I was a volume eater which is why I knew this surgery would be perfect for me. I never allowed myself to eat a whole pizza in one sitting or a whole cake (not a sweets eater), but I would eat half a pizza and then a bag of chips and an hour or so later eat some more.
I could put away a huge Thanksgiving meal and then be back in the fridge to finish off the leftovers within 45 minutes. RIDICULOUS amounts of food and fast! A twelve inch sub and chips, an entire stromboli that could be shared by two with leftovers. I ate quickly and alone because it was embarrassing how much I could put away and this gave me the ability to be full so I could eat a more socially acceptable portion in front of everyone else.

Funniest thing about surgery? I remember my kids almost guarding their fries when we would eat out because I would inhale my food and then eye theirs until they surrendered it. Now, they often comment on how they love sharing with me. I eat one or four bites max, and they are small ones. It's a big change and one I love. I felt trapped by my obsession with food and I'm free.

That is the thing that kills me in AA. The folks who have been sober for a few years all get together and talk **** about the person struggling to stay in the program. Time away from the days when they abused has given them amnesia. I say to them, "If it is so easy, why did you struggle to get sober? Why couldn't you do it on your own?"
Then, trying to get at the root of the addiction takes a lot of strength, but it, too, sometimes gets forgotten over time. Forgetting where I came from is a dangerous thing for me. For food and alcohol. When I can't understand other's struggles, I forget my own and my ego gets the best of me. I don't always need to know why a person struggles (though I like to), but I just have to be present to share my experience, strength and hope. That is the tenet of the 12th step and helps keep me sober, and that is why I participate here. Sharing my story reminds me of where I came from and where I am now.
Thank you, GG, and to all who stay and share their story.

It's a lot easier for me to understand it over the last few years when my carb addiction got out of control. Before that, I couldn't understand it as easily.
But I also have 12 years of working with drug addicts and alcoholics under my belt. I've never been drunk or high. And I didn't understand why they couldn't quit. Months of conducting and reading their intake interviews, years of lots of reading and research and publishing in the field, years of it, now I understand it. Similarly understand why women stay in abusive relationships. I would beat the crap out of any man that tried that with me, but I understand how it happens. I do understand addiction.
When I was so carb addicted that I lost control of my appetite is when I considered the surgery. The hunger was beyond "normal". The cravings were in control, not me. That's when I surrendered. Before then, I had my eating tightly under control, despite not losing weight.
And I don't give a shit about fuzzy, straight talk works just fine for me I'm really glad you're participating in this thread. You've dealt with this demon on a couple of different fronts and have a lot to teach.

I had noticed (long before I was sleeved) that my grand kids ate so little. Not only did they thrive, but they even GREW on a couple of spoonfuls of food per meal. They have access to more - they just won't eat it. Except one of them. He eats whatever is put in front of him and then begs for more. He's a chubby little fellow at this stage. That observation made me realise that we (humans) may actually need a lot less food than we actually eat. Not that it stopped me eating! Realising the truth and acting upon it are different things. It was impossible for me not to eat.
My kids are very relaxed about what their kids eat (or rather do not eat). One of them is a pediatrician, and she says that kids seldom starve themselves to death! And if they don't eat what's offered, they don't get offered anything else. No body makes a big deal of it. If the kids push the food away, the mums go OK and that's it. No drama, no fuss. (I, in the meantime have to stop feeling anxious about the small amounts they eat...)

I binge.... I ate till pain. (But no I never ate a whole cake at once??) Then I would eat again..
I guess I'm "special"...
things are different for sure between men and women I know I have extra strikes being 47 thyroid issues and starvation diets through the years...
As drastic as everything that I have done in the past, diets and binging this surgery is the MOST drastic by far.. so it's got my full attention and my willingness to surrender and learn...

Cowgirl, you sound a lot like me, except for the whole post menopausal thing. I think the only times I ate to the point of pain was Thanksgiving/Christmas, otherwise, I never ate to the point of pain, I just ate often and snacked in between those times. My appetite would be insatiable. After finishing lunch, my thoughts would turn to, "What's for dinner? " If I was bored, I would eat. I would eat to Celebrate, I would eat when I was sad. I always had an excuse as to why I was overweight.
And just like you said, CGJ, I am amazed at not only that I survive on how much I eat, but actually THRIVE! My mother just shakes her head when she eats with me. "How can you live on so little?" I just tell her, "It shows you how little your body actually needs." I think this is just so true. And this may be one of the things that differentiates "normal" BMI folks who can eat what seems like a lot of food. People may eat 2,000 calories, but does that necessarily mean my body absorbs 2,000 calories? Could it be a "normal" person with a "normal" BMI merely absorbs fewer calories passing the rest?
I don't know, but what I do know is that I did not have a healthy relationship with food. There is no denying that. But now ... don't let me kid myself ... I still have issues. But the sleeve helps me mitigate those issues better than I could before.

I didnt binge/purge either but had a strong appetitte, pretty much ready for another meal within a few hours of the last, - insatiable at times -carb lover, grazer AND being post menopausal woman I dont seem to need much food. It still shocks me just how little food I actually need and frankly you dont need to overeat by a lot to stay fat....