Every ending is a beginning...endings are hard...change is difficult...so why do we change?
I have a tendency to over think things but I can't stop thinking that I'm experiencing a beginning and an ending at the same time. I’m beginning a more sane controlled relationship with food, and I’m ending my relationship to food as my toxic and nourishing best friend.
I have my first appointment this Wednesday, April 4. I am scared, excited, happy, and worried. I worry that I will fail to lose weight--I will be the only person who doesn’t lose a pound after having this procedure. I think I am insane for entertaining such a preposterous thought. I want to concentrate on all of the positives about the decision to have the gastric sleeve surgery and I feel horrible for allowing myself to get SO fat in the first place.
I’ve told my family and friends who are for the most part supportive but a couple of people wonder why I don’t just lose the weight in the regular way. I have been trying the regular way. I did weight watchers and NutriSystem; I hired a trainer; I counted calories; I even tried to be a Vegan once. I gained and lost and gained. I would not consider doing surgery if I didn’t feel that this step is the only way I’ll be able to sustain a considerable weight loss. I don’t mind losing my best friend now. I’m tired of being ashamed of myself. At the same time, I’m scared that this is too hard for me! I’m going to stop whining (for the night at least) and I’m going to take care of myself in a positive manner. After all, that’s why I’m having the surgery in the first place.
Didn't sleep but 3 hours last night, so after DH went to work, I took myself right back to bed! Slept about another 2 then just got up.
When I weighed this morning, it showed I had lose 15lbs since my pre-op liquid diet! I will start the "mushy/pureed" diet on Friday, and then from that point I will only weigh on Fridays. Don't want to become too obsessed with the scale just now. The Surgeon hasn't set a weight goal for me, but the NUT did ask me, when I went to see her, how much weight did I want to lose. I told her that I didn't really have a good idea yet of where I wanted to be. I want to focus more on my over all health, and not just a number given to me by a square piece of metal that I stand on. I'm thinking I'll set a goal weight in about 3 months -- we'll see.
My follow-up with the Surgeon went great! They removed my drain (just burned a little), removed all my bandages, said the incisions looked great. They were really amazed at how well I'm feeling. Told me I had 2 more weeks before I could begin to resume my "usual duties" - riding mower, gardening, and all the other things I do around here on our little homestead.
So, starting tomorrow, I am going to focus on smaller goals: 1) Get as much protein, liquids, etc that I can each day, and sticking with the Post-Op eating plan; 2) Learning better/healthier ways to cook - being from the South, if it ain't fried, smothered in gravy, or slathered in butter, we just don't cook it -- going to search online for some great cooking classes (via DVD's). 3) Work on increasing my activity and working out sessions. For my 50th BDay, my girls got me the Zumba fitness DVD's, and a beginner's Yoga DVD - that's that I told them I wanted. So I can start the Yoga now, but the Zumba has to wait at least 2 more weeks.
I'm still struggling with eating enough, as I am not ever hungry - not even head-hunger pains. It's a really strange feeling, but I know that as my tummy heals, those things will start coming back.
