☠carolinagirl☠

Hi,
I have decided to make an effort to blog some of my journey to keep me grounded. I have a track record of giving up and I feel so determined today to change. I'm having my gastric band operation on Monday 23rd April. I feel so emotional about everything. I'm a bit of a wreck to be honest. I have allowed my weight to hold me back for so long it's like I'm mourning my lost years. I'm 28 and I have already waited too long to get the band. It's like I kept telling myself that I could do it alone, I'd daydream and imagine but the reality never came true. I loathe my body. I loathe myself to be honest. To the outside world I hide it to a certain extent but what I have noticed over the past year or more is that my weight is actually drowning my personality and has made me quite bitter. I have become quite negative and it pains me to admit that I am this person. i wule love to be happy go lucky and easygoing without over analysing every social situation and feeling paranoid and aware of myself ALL the time. Even with my closest friends and family, when I'm just sitting there, I'm at myself, fixing myself, tugging myself, looking at my stomach, wondering are they looking at it, worrying bout my huge double chin. Conscious of how I'm perceived. I worry that I wil never change and that I'm destined to live a miserable life. I do also realise I sound very dramatic and I know that I have the capability to change.
 
Chatting with a friend las night I articulated my feelings quite well out of nowhere, I know what I need to change, I can take a step back and look from the outside in as if I was advising a best friend or loved one. I know what needs to be done but actually being in my shoes and having to follow through on a daily basis makes this mammoth task seem impossible. I have serious self doubt. I don't know if I actually possess the will power to follow through with this challenge. I'm good at talking the talk but I need support to help me on my way.
 
Looking at other people's blogs and video diaries helps- but I can't seem to visualise myself at the other end. I am on day 4 of a liquid diet, not shakes etc, mainly soups, low fat custard, yogurts, sugar free jelly, lots of fluid, and mushy cereal for breakfast. While I have known for some time this 2 week liquid diet would come I am disgusted with myself for having cheated very badly on day 2- there were lots of Easter eggs around the house and I got hold of one. That's the worst part is that everyone around me is still eating very badly. There is huge temptation in the house. My parents are here for another week or so and then I will resume autonomy of what food comes into the house. I had cleared the place out but working abroad and being on leave home means the others are in holiday mode- this very holiday mode is the reason such bad habits exist in my family unit. I am realising more and more that I will need to find my own way in the middle of all this because their habits are not going to change. Take always, convenience food, coca cola, junk, crisps, bread, with the occasional nice healthy meal or fruit smoothie binges- that's been my life and It's so hard to break a lifetime of bad habits.
 
I hope that at least some of what I say resonates with some of you. I would really appreciate some encouragement and feedback. I do feel like my biggest challenge will be addressing my psychological dependence on food. Hope I haven't gone on too much. Thanks for reading
 
 

Well here it is one week from the day my life will change forever and a new healthy approach. This has indeed been a journey and learning about what is ahead makes it so much better. I am so grateful to God for allowing me to have a new life and just enjoy fullness. Thank you for everyone who is reading this for you have been a motivational tool like no other.

One day while my husband and i where not married but a couple i went out to where he works for lunch, As we ate our lunch we got to talking about this guy that he didn't like and i had just seen. I ask what his name was he said Robbie i said oh like my name lol he said yes. We where talking and the conversation came up that he had had lap band surgery about two years ago. I said well how much did he weigh before? My husband said he weights more now then he did when he started. I could tell i had a puzzled look on my face and i said but my real mother had gastric bypass and she lost about 200lbs. He said yeah well he said lap band doesn't work.
That right there was my first conversation about lap band and the first time that i had even herd of it I thought well that will be something that i never ever do and just forgot about it. Until i considered the surgery for myself after i found a doctor that would do it and it not cost an arm, leg, and liver then i got to thinking about that very conversation. I was a little worried so i got online and looked it up. I stubbed on a video on YouTube about lap band and i saw that people did really really good with it. I was confused and wanted to know why in the world this guy had only gained weight. So who better to ask then the doctor himself right.
Well my appointment came around and i had so many question and thoughts and was pretty much scared crapless why i still don't know but i did ask if this going to work because there is a guy and he said it doesn't work and he gained lots of weight back. The doctor and the dietitian both said you have to make it work. It is nothing but a tool and you can cheat it but really your only cheating yourself. I said so is there a way that i can know that i wouldn't end up bigger then when i started? They said yes you do what your supposed to and don't try to cheat your band and make sure that you have fills like your supposed to. I said really that's it. The dietitian said its a tool its there to help you loose the weight, if you are not serious about it and you continue to do what your doing now then NO it will not work and it will be no ones fault but your own.So i left that day with a new look on life and a new feeling about life i thought well i can do this and i want to, I want to be the person that i feel like i am on the inside!
But the thought was still in my head if this guy gained so much weight back what did he do wrong. So i asked my husband who later came back and told me, He had one fill, drank sodas, ate whatever he wanted and more. That was all i had to hear was that the band didnt fail him he failed the band. And **** happens i know but i still cant for the life of me understand why someone would pay so much money to have this done and not do what they know they are supposed to do?
Its not even that hard to stick to really. Its protein really you just have to make sure that your getting lots of protein and not lots of crap. Yeah im sure it will not kill you to eat bread but the first time it gets stuck i promise you probably will not be eating bread again. Grease the first time you get heart burn real bad and throw it up you probably will try and stay away from it right? I know i do. Sugar well they make all kinds of sugar for people now that cant have real sugar its not hard to just stop buying and sub it for the fake sugar. Sodas I can see being a problem. I don't miss the taste and i really don't miss buying them the only thing i really miss are the bubbles. I know it sounds really crazy but that's really all that i miss about them. I haven't had a soda since august. Candy wasn't hard for me to give up i don't like it any ways. Chocolate well you can find it in sugar free and most of it now is pretty good. I will eat dark chocolate but i don't like to much of the rest. Cookies i will be the first to tell you i went through a cookie faze but again it in moderation i didn't just sit down and eat a whole box of cookies just about two or three a day and i didn't gain anything. Ice cream again i am going through that faze right now and still in moderation. I remember when i could sit down and eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's by myself now it takes me weeks and weeks to get through one and still i don't weigh any more. The band isn't there to be a BIG DIET your whole life its there as a tool so you can learn to control your portions and control what you eat and to know that most the time its not that your hungry but your board and that's what people tend to do when they are board is eat. Why i don't really know it just seems to be the thing to do.
That's why i am going to say this if you dont work with your band it will NOT work with you. It didn't take you one night to gain all the weight and its not going to take one night to loose all the weight. Hell it might even take longer then a year but if you are doing what your supposed to be doing to work with the band then there shouldn't be a problem! Now don't get me wrong there are ways the band can fail and i have read about it and watched it on YouTube but most of them where fixable unless the person didn't want them fixed or couldn't have them fixed. I have herd about a hole in the band where it leaks the water and wont fill that is the bands fault not yours. Also your band can slip and they will tell you that and from all the ones that i have herd about its because of the person not listening when they say very clearly DO NOT EAT HARD FOOD. Don't eat to soon and don't do anything that they tell you not to do there are reasons they are telling you this. Its not to piss you off and its not to hurt you its because they want you to have success with the band. Now what you cant always help its when you have a tummy bug and are throwing up to hard your band can slip and i have read that you cant even keep down liquid and there is horrible pain in your lower back and chest. I hope i don't ever have that!
But really the band can only work if you work with your band. If you don't want to work with the band then don't worry about the surgery because you probably shouldn't get it. Im not trying to be mean im just saying i am so sick of people saying the band doesn't work. I think its a bitterness that it didn't work for someone and they are pissed and they don't want anyone else to get the band because for them it didn't work. I can sit here an honestly say all the bad things that i have been through have been MY OWN DAMN FAULT. And i will say that so far every time except for the tummy bug there just wasn't anything any one could do for me. It wasn't really anyone's fault. I could blame everyone but at the end of it all i am the only one that is putting things in my mouth. No one else does it for me. So don't let anyone put you down if you want lap band and think its the best thing for you then you get it and make everyone else eat their harsh mean words! Because i know without a doubt that you all can do it and everyone can make it work for them.
There will be bumps, bruises, scratches, cuts, stops, slips, tears, pain, sweat, emotions, and maybe even some heart aches along the way but you have to remember your starting a new life. And with new things comes other new things. And im sure you can always find a friend on here who will understand what your dealing with and can find a way to help you to deal, and heal from whatever it is. And never let others get you down. Because once you see the new you, you will smile and know that it was all worth it and it really wasn't so bad it was really kind of fun. And once you see the 100's mark even if its 199 you will feel joy and just feel like you can rule the world and maybe even cry with happiness.
Always remember this you didn't get fat over night so don't think you will get skinny over night. It takes work and more work and time.

Many people think that lap-band or gastric bypass are an easy way out of a life of over eating. I was one of those people. I have struggled with my weight since I can remember being told I was fat (around 6 or 7). I have been on hundreds of diets, lost hundreds of pounds and gained every single one back again. I personally know a few people that have had the lap-band procedure done. They lost a large amount of weight in the beginning but they didn't change the food they were eating and ultimately gained the weight back. My surgeon told me that the lap-band is merely a tool to be used in conjunction with diet and exercise. Not a miracle. Science has yet to create a miracle weight loss pill or device although; if you watch the infomercials they have. When someone is at an unhealthy weight (one that could kill you) sometimes a helping hand is exactly what the doctor ordered. Many things factor into why a person would become obese. It's not like we wake up one day and say " I think I'm going to be so fat that I can barely move, or breathe". Our skinny counterparts are very fond of saying "you just need more will power". Well, I am here to tell you will power has very little to do with it. In my case, and many people I know food is an addiction. Mine started when I was very young. Food made it all better when I was being abused. Food never hurt me or talked bad to me. It always made me feel happy. Unfortunately; food also got me to where I am at know. My doctor said I use food as a stress reliever. No DUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend and a wonderful relaxing Sunday. The day is beautiful here in SC, sun is shinning but it is still a little cool for the south. I don't know about everyone else but I can't wait until spring. I have so much more energy and motivation when it is warm outside. I find the winter months to be a little depressing and I do not feel as motivated to be outside and exercise. I am proud that I have went back to curves a week ago and have met my goal of going on Saturday mornings, and Tuesday and Thursday evenings after work. I need to set a new goal this week of at least doing 30 minutes of exercise daily of at least walking or something. I need my tread mill moved so I can use it, my son moved in late last year and it is in his room and a little hard to use. My husband says he has to take it apart to get it out of the room and has not done that yet. First thing that ticks me off lately. I go back to see my surgeon next week one , I had my last fill on Jan 30th and I am still struggling with solid foods most days, I do eat but it is usually late in the afternoons and evenings, I am getting all my protein in but with supplements. I keep thinking the band will loosen up a little and some days it seems to and others like yesterday, I just gave up and ate Greek yogurt and drank protein. I am still holding at 160 lbs, so at least I have slowed down on losing for a while. On the 30th I was at 175 which was up 5 lbs from before Christmas. I did find something good to eat this weekend, we ordered take out from the local Chinese restaurant and I ate a tofu stir fry, it was yummy and the tofu was silky soft and slide right down. I was only able to eat about 1/2 cup but it was yummy. I went out today and purchased a fit bit and tied it to my fitness pal account so I could track my activity and calories burned. I will let everyone know how that works out. I have been a little lazy lately and feeling a little frustrated with food and eating in general. I haven't felt this way in a long time but it is just so frustrating when one day things go down with out problems and they same things don't the next day. Welcome to bandster hell, I guess. The last thing that ticks me off today is people who use this site to promote sales of products. I was reviewing the forums and blogs this morning and found a blog that someone had started yesterday, she said she was 2 years out from lap band and had lost 150 lbs but was promoting a protein drink diet to get back on track. I thought to my self, every lap band patient knows that gimmicks don't work, diets don't work and getting the lap band has to be about changing your life and behaviors. Not sure why it pissed me off but it did, I feel we all work so hard on trying to live with lap band and trying to change out lives and live like others and the last thing I needed was someone telling me I could lose weight with lap band drinking yummy protein shakes. SERIOUSLY! I drink the damn shakes because nothing else goes down some days and this is not how I intend to lose my last pounds. I want to eat, enjoy my food portion. So shame on you if you are a lap band patient for encouraging us to drink protein to lose weight instead of change our behaviors and learn to live with lap band. I know we all have the freedom to post and believe what ever we want but SERIOUSLY give me a break. Ok, I feel better now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, relatively.
 
First off, I feel the need to simultaneously thank and apologize to everyone who read through yesterday's bitter, angry rant. I did need to get that off my chest, but now Logical Me has woken up from the knock out punch she took from Emotional Me and is able to add a sliver of rationality to the discussion. Because there IS more to this than calories in and calories out, and I'm not in this for an overnight weight loss. I'm in this for the long haul.
 
I really do appreciate everyone who took the time to point out all the things Emotional Me didn't want to hear, because I do need to remember all that, things like: we're more than an equation, plateaus happen, the band does work, calm down and just keep chugging along. I did need to hear that. I didn't really want to yesterday, but I needed to.
 
One good thing--one really good thing--did come out of yesterday, though. I had my mad on yesterday, and I was plenty bitter. I had more than my share of "to hell with it" thoughts, and in previous years that would have equalled a cheeseburger at the very least. Instead, I just kept plugging. Yeah, I ate a few more calories than the day before, but I tracked them all and I still stayed below 1200, which in bandster hell is still something of a victory. I kept working, and even if I didn't have a smile on my face the whole time, the work is the important part.
 
So today, I woke up and got back to it. Breakfast was a small protein shake and half a banana, and I already have lunch and dinner planned with lean protein and fresh veggies and the knowledge that I can't control the scale, but I can control my own behavior. Thanks to the band, that is. We just need to keep getting to know each other and figuring out how this all works.
 
I think we can do it.