Chimera

Isnt it funny how insight can strike when you least expect it - I was cleaning the cat boxes and realizations, or words I guess started to flood.
I wont go into gory detail - but I had a horrific childhood, filled with terrifying violence and sexual abuse from my alcoholic step-dad (he died from cirrhosis long ago.) I have done a lot of time on the couch, and on meds and am good. I usually keep it to myself, but it is also not a secret with those closest to me.
I guess I feel like I am starting to wake up - 50 this year. Feels like I am just opening my eyes - I too must be getting into some of the serious stuff. This just poured out in the last 30 minutes - I apologize if this feels triggering to anyone.
"Always living with a vague expectation that enlightenment and a healing of the old, old wounds would strike one day like a bolt of lightening - or maybe gently like awaking from some bad dream. The longer I am alive I am coming to understand that this probably isn't going to happen.
That everyday we fight, some days we gain ground - some days we lose it - a little on some days, some days a lot. It is little victories over time - each adding up.
All the years of therapy, self-help, support groups...its one moment at a time - over time.
Years of hiding in pain, burying yourself under blankets, under hundreds of lbs of unburned calories, behind the walls and doors of your home - seeking solace in your surroundings- being made fun of for being different by the people you trust the most.
again, and again, and again.
Just be numb
Just don't look
maybe then it wont be true
what is real and what happened will cease to be so
Learning to not turn away - not to hide is hard work.
Bravery is not for sissies.
What is courage?
Why so much fear of what happened lifetimes ago?
What you put up with from others
How poorly you treated yourself for so long.
This is like learning to see
to speak
to walk
to feel
for the first time maybe. Is that old me true? Is that still me? What am I? Who am I?
I looked at a snapshot of the August 2009 Goddard residency and I can finally see how malignant my despair and mistreatment of myself is - in my weight - the symptom that becomes the focus and the problem. A heavy horse collar of shame - its like being imprisoned in the stocks - immobile, every step pain, every glance from others cruel - like being flayed alive every moment of every day.
Maybe if I am lucky this fire of shame will burn me right to ash.
Deep, deep sadness and hopelessness
Try so hard to change - and it never seems to stick - I cant win. I could never win.
I am doing the same thing to myself now with my belief in my abilities as a teacher and an artist - hardly a day passes that I am not wracked with fear, doubt, and the battle against my own weaknesses. Here you are again, more exposed even now. No matter how hard you wish you had that magic lamp that would take away the anxiety, the panic, the terror you feel everyday at just breathing - there is no such thing.
It is part of you
it IS you
Where is my strength? Do I even have any?
The only respite will come from within yourself - for yourself.
How the f**k do I fix the broken stuff
I weep now at even being able to access these feelings.
Fraught
Frightening
Breathe
Dig the knives out of the back and stand up straight.
Look it right in the f**king eye
step forward
step up
Let go"

I totally feel you, as you know. Have you read up on mid-life crises, cos it sounds like a full-blown one to me. I've got several under my belt now. :-( Yes, also, to the hormones. For sure. And lack of sleep. They are all additive.
For whatever it's worth, I've always had super intense down periods/anxiety attacks that last from an hour or two to a whole day, almost always gone the next day though. I think it's called...life. I stopped trying to over analyse and 'fix' it and just try to roll with it instead. Most of the time, I tell myself it's not real -- it's hormones or lack of sleep or work stress just having its way with me, and I can ignore it enough to get through it. It ALWAYS ends again. <3

I can relate to you both. I am medicated bipolar and there are days now where I wake up poverty-minded & know that the day will be a loss. Antidepressants only manage chemicals that are unmanaged so they won't eliminate normal moments of funk. I am learning to sit in the feelings, rather than sedate with food, knowing they are only temporary. They are my signal for radical self care! I pull up a bucket of hot bubbly lavender Water for my feet, make a nutritional shake, put a face mask on and watch an old Jimmy Stewart film. I call these saturation days. I have a list of self love activities specifically for these days. Funk happens.

I don't take anti depressants and I dont think I am depressed but I do at times struggle with blasts of feeling blue. I wanted to talk about it here because I am trying to understand what is happening to me and think you are all tremendous resources.
What happens is that I get short lasting periods of feeling pretty down. It might last 30 minutes ....extreme case it might last a day. Weird thing is it is never triggered by bad news or some concrete clear reason but there must be some cause. My situation is getting better, not worse but I want it to be gone...lol...So I am asking for advice. I also went through a period of really bad anxiety but that is pretty much better too (ie I get infrequently anxious over things that scare me rather than unknown so I consider that normal)
Counslor I sometimes see thinks it is a sign of growth. I buried alot of pain under obesity and food and now I am wrestling with"meaning of my life" type questions rather than worrying if I will fit in a chair or airplane seat. I have moved up the maslovs needs hierarchy. I think she is right because I do find myself examining my life, eliminating people and activities that are negative and adding people and things that are pleasing. Good stuff but a truckload of change. I find myself working hard to let go of my grown sons and accepting that they need to make their own mistakes (I just ask they make different ones..Haha). I find myself facing that my life is almost unrecognizable from say 5 years ago. It's only partly weight loss related much of this change is age related normal life progression and some of it is me fixing some pretty broken things (work in progress).
My medical doctor thinks it is mostly hormone related. I wake up every night and somtimes have serious sleep issues. She thinks hormone things are triggering adrenal surges which is why I am sometimes wide awake for hours. that is under much better control now but I was up most of Saturday night with a tummy problem and was just depressed all day Sunday. I slept great last njght and feel great emotionally and a little better physically so it was excellent evidence that sleep deprivation can trigger the mood swing. The fact that I am sleeping better in general AND that my little blasts of the blues are reducing is also more evidence for this.
A close friend is absolutely convinced it is hormonal too because of experiences with other women my age. I went through menopause in my early 40s...very young. I have always believed it was triggered by the devastating tragedy of my sister's horrible illness and eventual death. We were like twins...very bonded...and losing her lin 2007 left a hole in my life. Oddly I did not really experience menopausal symptoms until after weight loss. I think my fat was like taking hormone replacement. I don't have hot flashes but do now experience some other menopausal symptoms so it could be that this is absolutely the cause.
Anyway I am not dead set against taking anti depressants except I am not depressed and I don't want to mask symptoms I want to resolve them so my remaining years are the best they can be. Would love to hear how others have experienced this. I look back and I do feel in my heart that I am getting better and more resilient as time goes on. I am less concerned with how others see me and really developing a stronger inner confidence. I hope this means that I will work through this issue too. I am not sure it is weight loss related EXCEPT I know I used to go around pretty numb much of the time and life is in Technicolor these days. It's good, it's GREAT but it's also alot if you know what I mean.

Isnt it funny how insight can strike when you least expect it - I was cleaning the cat boxes and realizations, or words I guess started to flood.
I wont go into gory detail - but I had a horrific childhood, filled with terrifying violence and sexual abuse from my alcoholic step-dad (he died from cirrhosis long ago.) I have done a lot of time on the couch, and on meds and am good. I usually keep it to myself, but it is also not a secret with those closest to me.
I guess I feel like I am starting to wake up - 50 this year. Feels like I am just opening my eyes - I too must be getting into some of the serious stuff. This just poured out in the last 30 minutes - I apologize if this feels triggering to anyone.
"Always living with a vague expectation that enlightenment and a healing of the old, old wounds would strike one day like a bolt of lightening - or maybe gently like awaking from some bad dream. The longer I am alive I am coming to understand that this probably isn't going to happen.
That everyday we fight, some days we gain ground - some days we lose it - a little on some days, some days a lot. It is little victories over time - each adding up.
All the years of therapy, self-help, support groups...its one moment at a time - over time.
Years of hiding in pain, burying yourself under blankets, under hundreds of lbs of unburned calories, behind the walls and doors of your home - seeking solace in your surroundings- being made fun of for being different by the people you trust the most.
again, and again, and again.
Just be numb
Just don't look
maybe then it wont be true
what is real and what happened will cease to be so
Learning to not turn away - not to hide is hard work.
Bravery is not for sissies.
What is courage?
Why so much fear of what happened lifetimes ago?
What you put up with from others
How poorly you treated yourself for so long.
This is like learning to see
to speak
to walk
to feel
for the first time maybe. Is that old me true? Is that still me? What am I? Who am I?
I looked at a snapshot of the August 2009 Goddard residency and I can finally see how malignant my despair and mistreatment of myself is - in my weight - the symptom that becomes the focus and the problem. A heavy horse collar of shame - its like being imprisoned in the stocks - immobile, every step pain, every glance from others cruel - like being flayed alive every moment of every day.
Maybe if I am lucky this fire of shame will burn me right to ash.
Deep, deep sadness and hopelessness
Try so hard to change - and it never seems to stick - I cant win. I could never win.
I am doing the same thing to myself now with my belief in my abilities as a teacher and an artist - hardly a day passes that I am not wracked with fear, doubt, and the battle against my own weaknesses. Here you are again, more exposed even now. No matter how hard you wish you had that magic lamp that would take away the anxiety, the panic, the terror you feel everyday at just breathing - there is no such thing.
It is part of you
it IS you
Where is my strength? Do I even have any?
The only respite will come from within yourself - for yourself.
How the f**k do I fix the broken stuff
I weep now at even being able to access these feelings.
Fraught
Frightening
Breathe
Dig the knives out of the back and stand up straight.
Look it right in the f**king eye
step forward
step up
Let go"

Isnt it funny how insight can strike when you least expect it - I was cleaning the cat boxes and realizations, or words I guess started to flood.
I wont go into gory detail - but I had a horrific childhood, filled with terrifying violence and sexual abuse from my alcoholic step-dad (he died from cirrhosis long ago.) I have done a lot of time on the couch, and on meds and am good. I usually keep it to myself, but it is also not a secret with those closest to me.
I guess I feel like I am starting to wake up - 50 this year. Feels like I am just opening my eyes - I too must be getting into some of the serious stuff. This just poured out in the last 30 minutes - I apologize if this feels triggering to anyone.
"Always living with a vague expectation that enlightenment and a healing of the old, old wounds would strike one day like a bolt of lightening - or maybe gently like awaking from some bad dream. The longer I am alive I am coming to understand that this probably isn't going to happen.
That everyday we fight, some days we gain ground - some days we lose it - a little on some days, some days a lot. It is little victories over time - each adding up.
All the years of therapy, self-help, support groups...its one moment at a time - over time.
Years of hiding in pain, burying yourself under blankets, under hundreds of lbs of unburned calories, behind the walls and doors of your home - seeking solace in your surroundings- being made fun of for being different by the people you trust the most.
again, and again, and again.
Just be numb
Just don't look
maybe then it wont be true
what is real and what happened will cease to be so
Learning to not turn away - not to hide is hard work.
Bravery is not for sissies.
What is courage?
Why so much fear of what happened lifetimes ago?
What you put up with from others
How poorly you treated yourself for so long.
This is like learning to see
to speak
to walk
to feel
for the first time maybe. Is that old me true? Is that still me? What am I? Who am I?
I looked at a snapshot of the August 2009 Goddard residency and I can finally see how malignant my despair and mistreatment of myself is - in my weight - the symptom that becomes the focus and the problem. A heavy horse collar of shame - its like being imprisoned in the stocks - immobile, every step pain, every glance from others cruel - like being flayed alive every moment of every day.
Maybe if I am lucky this fire of shame will burn me right to ash.
Deep, deep sadness and hopelessness
Try so hard to change - and it never seems to stick - I cant win. I could never win.
I am doing the same thing to myself now with my belief in my abilities as a teacher and an artist - hardly a day passes that I am not wracked with fear, doubt, and the battle against my own weaknesses. Here you are again, more exposed even now. No matter how hard you wish you had that magic lamp that would take away the anxiety, the panic, the terror you feel everyday at just breathing - there is no such thing.
It is part of you
it IS you
Where is my strength? Do I even have any?
The only respite will come from within yourself - for yourself.
How the f**k do I fix the broken stuff
I weep now at even being able to access these feelings.
Fraught
Frightening
Breathe
Dig the knives out of the back and stand up straight.
Look it right in the f**king eye
step forward
step up
Let go"

Isnt it funny how insight can strike when you least expect it - I was cleaning the cat boxes and realizations, or words I guess started to flood.
I wont go into gory detail - but I had a horrific childhood, filled with terrifying violence and sexual abuse from my alcoholic step-dad (he died from cirrhosis long ago.) I have done a lot of time on the couch, and on meds and am good. I usually keep it to myself, but it is also not a secret with those closest to me.
I guess I feel like I am starting to wake up - 50 this year. Feels like I am just opening my eyes - I too must be getting into some of the serious stuff. This just poured out in the last 30 minutes - I apologize if this feels triggering to anyone.
"Always living with a vague expectation that enlightenment and a healing of the old, old wounds would strike one day like a bolt of lightening - or maybe gently like awaking from some bad dream. The longer I am alive I am coming to understand that this probably isn't going to happen.
That everyday we fight, some days we gain ground - some days we lose it - a little on some days, some days a lot. It is little victories over time - each adding up.
All the years of therapy, self-help, support groups...its one moment at a time - over time.
Years of hiding in pain, burying yourself under blankets, under hundreds of lbs of unburned calories, behind the walls and doors of your home - seeking solace in your surroundings- being made fun of for being different by the people you trust the most.
again, and again, and again.
Just be numb
Just don't look
maybe then it wont be true
what is real and what happened will cease to be so
Learning to not turn away - not to hide is hard work.
Bravery is not for sissies.
What is courage?
Why so much fear of what happened lifetimes ago?
What you put up with from others
How poorly you treated yourself for so long.
This is like learning to see
to speak
to walk
to feel
for the first time maybe. Is that old me true? Is that still me? What am I? Who am I?
I looked at a snapshot of the August 2009 Goddard residency and I can finally see how malignant my despair and mistreatment of myself is - in my weight - the symptom that becomes the focus and the problem. A heavy horse collar of shame - its like being imprisoned in the stocks - immobile, every step pain, every glance from others cruel - like being flayed alive every moment of every day.
Maybe if I am lucky this fire of shame will burn me right to ash.
Deep, deep sadness and hopelessness
Try so hard to change - and it never seems to stick - I cant win. I could never win.
I am doing the same thing to myself now with my belief in my abilities as a teacher and an artist - hardly a day passes that I am not wracked with fear, doubt, and the battle against my own weaknesses. Here you are again, more exposed even now. No matter how hard you wish you had that magic lamp that would take away the anxiety, the panic, the terror you feel everyday at just breathing - there is no such thing.
It is part of you
it IS you
Where is my strength? Do I even have any?
The only respite will come from within yourself - for yourself.
How the f**k do I fix the broken stuff
I weep now at even being able to access these feelings.
Fraught
Frightening
Breathe
Dig the knives out of the back and stand up straight.
Look it right in the f**king eye
step forward
step up
Let go"

I can totally understand how you feel Sheryl - and agree with Georgia that through this process we have significantly changed our lives and health for the better! My health was going downhill fast - I smoked 2 packs of cigs a day for 28+ years and quit for good at the start of this journey. I'll take this opportunity to blab about myself a bit lol.
While my hubby sailed through his sleeve surgery with no complications - and was out running while mowing the lawn 4 days post surgery - I had some pretty sever complications that required multiple blood transfusions and a week in the hospital - only to arrive home and have to go back to the ER because an incision site opened up and I guess I had what seemed like gallons of blood in a 'void' in my abdominal area - whatever the heck that means.
Two weeks after surgery my left knee completely blew out - it was agony. I have had lateral ligament reconstruction on the right side to rebuild a destroyed ankle and my ortho thinks that decades of super morbid obesity and shifting weight to favor one side basically ate up the left side too - The MRI showed bone on bone. Years of 300+ on 5' 3 " of person is pretty rough for my poor old body to handle. I can totally commiserate with orthopedic/arthritis issues - it very bothersome.
I get crabby that I still am not at goal - but I will get there darn it! My measurements are good - cept that my stupid extra skin accounts for 6-7 inches more in the waist area on most clothing size charts - Ah well - perhaps someday I too will get this little floppy flat tire removed - until then I am great with the skinny jeans - slouchy top - a look I enjoy and is also comfortable.
I still cant really see myself - but its getting better. Feeling prettier, taking much more effort with my appearance, learning to treat myself better. I am just so relieved to feel good, to not wake up in pain, to be able to walk down the street without sweating and breathing hard, to look people in the eye on the street and not be afraid of the judgment.
I guess this process will always be unfolding - and I think we all are in a very unique position. No I will never have the body or youth of a model, and that is okay. I have really messed up my body in so many ways that cannot be undone.
Considering where I was 2 years ago, and where I am today - and my hubby as well - we are literally, completely different people. We are unrecognizable to people who knew us well - and so are you guys If we didn't change ASAP - we would both find an early grave
I am sorry you are feeling down. Though it brings to mind one of my favorite quotes.
"If I could but step outside myself
and contemplate the person that I truly am,
I would at once know what envy is."
Hang in there, things will feel better soon.

Hi,
I agree with everyone's previous posts. Here's my individual tips, many of which are similar to what appears above:
1. Make sure you are getting enough fluids. Use a simple hashmark on your phone or a post it or whatever works for you.
2. Say NO to foods that are really causing you problems. I simply don't eat some foods anymore because they don't satisfy me and they lead to more problems. I tell myself I can have some at Christmas if I still want them then. This is similar to how I quit smoking. When I really wanted a cigeratte, I told myself, I will have one on Christmas. But I didn't want one then and that worked for me.
3. Get any kind of exercise, even walking. Aim for something outdoors. I have to spend a little time outdoors or I go stir crazy. Get up 1/2 hour earlier and walk. Consider it your private appt. with yourself.
4. I do weigh every day, but once a week is plenty. When I was in weight loss mode, I only tracked once per week, even though I weighed daily.
5. Buy yourself a present. Anything that makes you feel good. For me, it's often a lipstick, lotion, book, or new game.
6. Look into Cognitive Therapy and apply those techniques. I used the listening to myself (Is that what I would tell a friend? Then why am I saying it to myself?), recognizing all or nothing thinking (I didn't lose this week, I' m going to fail for life), and learning to be thankful for what I do have and have accomplished (I wrote affirmations on 3.5x5 cards and left them where I would see them often, like by my toothbrush, on my computer table, and on my nightstand).
7. Clean the crap out of the house if you have any there and buy healthy foods you enjoy. Include non calorie teas or drinks.
8. Remind yourself you are not alone. I have yet to meet the successful vet who doesn't have to keep an eye on things.
9. Remind yourself even though you have to work on this, you are lucky because other people really struggle with (FILL IN THE BLANK), but for you it really comes easy. For me, that's anything techie. It's painful to watch so many struggle with their computer, phone, etc. But we all have at least one thing we are good at. Celebrate yours!
10. Self soothing doesn't have to be self sabotage. I think Lipstick Lady said this first, and it's really a mantra for me now. Applies to more than food, but food is still my number one problem area.
We are all with you!
Lynda

I think you got some great replies so I am bringing up a couple of other thoughts.... I am lets see now....28 months out. When I had my one year post op, my surgeon told me that year 2-3 were just as important as year one ... because 2-3 is when regain can begin. It was a good thought he planted because basically I just kept doing what I had been doing. I lost another 20 or so pounds but mot importantly, didn't start a regain trend. I think that it is very hard to accept the truth - we will always have the "obesity disease" and need to manage diet and exercise just like we did that first year - assertively.
another thought - could you be suffering from anxiety/depression generally and it has manifested itself by being anxious about the scale and weight?
Finally, I feel like I could eat alot at once, and that I could eat all day. I am guessing a sizeable number of us would same the same - I could eat alot, I just don't. The main techniques that support me in that are:
1. drinking enough fluids to stay hydrated
2. base my entire diet around dense Protein and veggies and have some sort of vague plan (for some a rigid plan works, but I do good with a vague plan)
3. minimize sliders (some healthy foods are sliders for me - meaning I can and will overeat on them)
4. find an accountability path that works (for me it is weighing regularly but for others it is daily tracking of food - that gives me anxiety whereas the scale does not - funny huh?). Another accountability factor for me is non-stretch pants. They get tight - too bad I don't get to buy new ones, I get to lose those couple of pounds again.
5. Keep coming back for support. Don't let little baubles turn into big "derailments". I remember one time thinking that gaining 10 pounds was the same as gaining 100 - the most ridiculous remark ever, but I actually felt that way. Be aware of your own destructive thoughts and tendencies and use support teams to help you get through it and change that wrong thinking.
6. Stay active - it feels good!
7. Try to be thankful and appreciative of how far you have come. It is painful for me to look at, but every day I look at some before and after photos of myself.... it reminds me that I am a wild success story and you are too!

You know what AA and NA members say. They are not reformed, they are recovering. This food addiction will never totally go away, it will always be our demon. The goal is to have as much control of our lives as we can so they don't.

Yes, it has worked out well in terms of weight, body fat percentage and body composition. I am constantly refining, the work is never over. I do not say this in a negative manner at all.
Refining is something personal and something I can work at constantly. To state it simply, I am swapping fat weight for muscle weight while maintaining a relatively stable weight (180-185 # for 5'11"). I use the mirror and how my body reacts to exercises. My goal is 9-11% body fat percentage. I am presently 15-17% (athletic range). I know that there is some skin that will be impossible to eliminate around the abs (if I have the cash and time in the future, I would like surgery to lose the lose the 1/4 inch or so of loose skin). However, I have managed to tighten everywhere else with muscles and toning.
For example, can I hold a better 1/2 moon yoga pose with less effort? Can I do 20 pull-ups? Can I keep my heart rate in cardio zone when exercising a plyo cardio work out 2 days a week (surprisingly it takes a lot of effort to do this. My body likes 135-145 BP even when I think I am pushing myself. I use a heart rate monitor to "stay in the zone."). Can I do a 4 set max effort for biceps curls, starting at 45# and dropping to 30#. Can I do 30 seconds of double time knee tuck jumps? These are some of the challenges when looking over the p90x workout days I do 7 days a week (1-1.5 hours a day). Do I like the way my upper body looks in terms of muscular appearance (I am looking to maintain a strong muscular athletic build, not a huge muscular guy). Do I like the way I look in muscle shirts (glamour muscles, "popping" upper back and chest, powerful legs).
Most importantly, nutrition must be dialed in. Without it, none of the results from exercise and working out are possible. I try and hit clean Protein first every day @ 250 g of chicken and powders or so (50% of 1800 calories) and clean veggies like red bell pepper and brocolli. There are two "treats"I look forward to every day: a bowl of steel oats mixed with Fiber one and 30 g of chocolate Protein powder 2 hours before working out and 3 scoops of casein Protein at bed. Love having these daily. Yes, I eat carbs every day - 30% of 1800 calorie diet. With this attention to protein and carb ratios in this approach to eating, the fat macro of 20% naturally falls into place with no attention on my part.
Achieving a goal weight is actually the "easy" part of this ongoing effort if you want to look at this way.

Small rant on the "explaining results" topic. Yes, I know it is brought up often, but here goes.
Most, if not all, of us have to work really hard for the results we want, especially in the refinement phase after reaching goal. For me, the refinement has stretched for about 1 year so far.
A lot of previous acquaintances (note - I did not say friends or family as they know better) that have not been part of the process, and more importantly, the changes following WLS are quick to unintentionally trivialize the effort. Important that I state "unintentionally" here because they are not doing it with malice in mind. They are being kind. Often they make some statement like "if only I could have WLS to get rid of this"while holding or otherwise jiggling their stomach.
My first thought is, WLS will help you, but it is only the catalyst. It will only get you started. The hard work has little to do with the actual surgery and includes, but is not limited to:
1. Doing the WLS basics ( 64oz +Water and 80 oz protein). This is actually the easy part once you form the habits.
2. Eating a clean and healthy diet. This means saying no ALOT to deserts and other desires.
3. Exercising (lifting weights and cardio) every day. I ran 5k,10k distances, performed cross fit 5 days a week and did p90 x AFTER reaching goal. Not all those at the same time, mind you, but in a progression starting with the running, the cross fit and now beach body programs (0p90 x).
4. Going way beyond the basics - minimum .6-.8 oz Protein per lb of body weight, 32 oz every couple hours. This is harder then you might think and requires a lot of diligent planning.
This is a lot of work, but manageable. It takes work to maintain this model of fitness you are looking at. Yes, it really does.
They do not want to hear that getting my results is actually "diet and exercise." If I say this, they will quickly dismiss it because, obviously, their attempts at diet and exercise have not worked thus far. Or worse, they will think or verbally accuse me of lying. No, I am not lying, but am playing your game that is governed by your rules. I do not want to disappoint your expectations. Yes, it comes down to diet, exercise and being mindful to achieve the results you desire. Instead of disappointing them, I play their game and state, yes, WLS has gotten me this far. If they really want to know, I will tell them the list above, but most do not want to mentally engage in that discussion.

I doubt you are adding a lot of muscle mass at this point. Running doesn't really bulk you up ... at all.
What it does do, though, is help store glycogen more efficiently in your muscles. Glycogen is mainly stored in your liver, but when your body sees it needs more resources, due to additional exercise, it will begin to also store glycogen in muscles. One of the differences, though, is when it is stored in muscles, it must also bond with Water in a 4 to 1 ratio. So, if you are storing an additional pound of glycogen, you also have to store an additional 4 pounds of Water. This equates to 5 additional pounds!
So then you think, "Woa! I'm giving up all exercise, then!"
Well, as you mention, your clothes are fitting better. I'm also guessing you have great energy and have a better overall feeling of wellness. Not even to mention the heightened metabolism. I know when I was running regularly, my body was a furnace and my weight loss was incredible. Don't worry about the scale or your doctors if you decide to stay committed to this. They will understand what exercise is doing for you.
And ditch the scale. It measures weight, not fat. What are you looking to lose?

151 this morning - holding steady! I have not been fasting and I have been "depressed" so I am pretty pleased to be hanging on to a good weight.
I have decided to go on antidepressants since starting about Monday I have been hit with what really feels like depression. I mean, this is more than feeling little bouts of anxiety or blues. I am also going to increase my counseling even thought i am not a big believer in it... I need to do SOMETHING different. I had a long phone call with the counselor I see (she is psychologist + ARNP so can manage meds too) yesterday and her words were helpful. She thinks that whatever it is that made it possible for me to live for 15 years with someone who showed me so little affection and ... well... it's a long story... but that same determined will is perhaps why i didn't experience the loss of food during the weight loss phase but am going through it now. I have no desire to binge, food gives me no special pleasure. I think I have found substitutes - staying active, friends, exercise, horses etc but there is clearly a degree of emotional upset that I am going through beyond anything I experienced during the weight loss phase or even most of maintenance. I am sure it is weight loss related, but i am kinda with swizz that it is more of a mid life crisis thing.
Anyway, haven't even started meds, but i feel better already.
Work is going pretty good but my world is just too isolated. I live in the country... alone. I work from home 99% of the time... on the phone, but basically alone. I used to go out alot - whether it was dating or going to meetup events or even just meeting friends or going shopping solo. I have either stopped or do the bare minimum of all that so I am too isolated. As the extroverted Gemini that i am, it is making me feel lonely!
How is everyone doing? Spring is in the air, in theory this should be a good time of year to be getting fitter, eating fresh foods and all that good stuff!

I can totally understand how you feel Sheryl - and agree with Georgia that through this process we have significantly changed our lives and health for the better! My health was going downhill fast - I smoked 2 packs of cigs a day for 28+ years and quit for good at the start of this journey. I'll take this opportunity to blab about myself a bit lol.
While my hubby sailed through his sleeve surgery with no complications - and was out running while mowing the lawn 4 days post surgery - I had some pretty sever complications that required multiple blood transfusions and a week in the hospital - only to arrive home and have to go back to the ER because an incision site opened up and I guess I had what seemed like gallons of blood in a 'void' in my abdominal area - whatever the heck that means.
Two weeks after surgery my left knee completely blew out - it was agony. I have had lateral ligament reconstruction on the right side to rebuild a destroyed ankle and my ortho thinks that decades of super morbid obesity and shifting weight to favor one side basically ate up the left side too - The MRI showed bone on bone. Years of 300+ on 5' 3 " of person is pretty rough for my poor old body to handle. I can totally commiserate with orthopedic/arthritis issues - it very bothersome.
I get crabby that I still am not at goal - but I will get there darn it! My measurements are good - cept that my stupid extra skin accounts for 6-7 inches more in the waist area on most clothing size charts - Ah well - perhaps someday I too will get this little floppy flat tire removed - until then I am great with the skinny jeans - slouchy top - a look I enjoy and is also comfortable.
I still cant really see myself - but its getting better. Feeling prettier, taking much more effort with my appearance, learning to treat myself better. I am just so relieved to feel good, to not wake up in pain, to be able to walk down the street without sweating and breathing hard, to look people in the eye on the street and not be afraid of the judgment.
I guess this process will always be unfolding - and I think we all are in a very unique position. No I will never have the body or youth of a model, and that is okay. I have really messed up my body in so many ways that cannot be undone.
Considering where I was 2 years ago, and where I am today - and my hubby as well - we are literally, completely different people. We are unrecognizable to people who knew us well - and so are you guys If we didn't change ASAP - we would both find an early grave
I am sorry you are feeling down. Though it brings to mind one of my favorite quotes.
"If I could but step outside myself
and contemplate the person that I truly am,
I would at once know what envy is."
Hang in there, things will feel better soon.

I can totally understand how you feel Sheryl - and agree with Georgia that through this process we have significantly changed our lives and health for the better! My health was going downhill fast - I smoked 2 packs of cigs a day for 28+ years and quit for good at the start of this journey. I'll take this opportunity to blab about myself a bit lol.
While my hubby sailed through his sleeve surgery with no complications - and was out running while mowing the lawn 4 days post surgery - I had some pretty sever complications that required multiple blood transfusions and a week in the hospital - only to arrive home and have to go back to the ER because an incision site opened up and I guess I had what seemed like gallons of blood in a 'void' in my abdominal area - whatever the heck that means.
Two weeks after surgery my left knee completely blew out - it was agony. I have had lateral ligament reconstruction on the right side to rebuild a destroyed ankle and my ortho thinks that decades of super morbid obesity and shifting weight to favor one side basically ate up the left side too - The MRI showed bone on bone. Years of 300+ on 5' 3 " of person is pretty rough for my poor old body to handle. I can totally commiserate with orthopedic/arthritis issues - it very bothersome.
I get crabby that I still am not at goal - but I will get there darn it! My measurements are good - cept that my stupid extra skin accounts for 6-7 inches more in the waist area on most clothing size charts - Ah well - perhaps someday I too will get this little floppy flat tire removed - until then I am great with the skinny jeans - slouchy top - a look I enjoy and is also comfortable.
I still cant really see myself - but its getting better. Feeling prettier, taking much more effort with my appearance, learning to treat myself better. I am just so relieved to feel good, to not wake up in pain, to be able to walk down the street without sweating and breathing hard, to look people in the eye on the street and not be afraid of the judgment.
I guess this process will always be unfolding - and I think we all are in a very unique position. No I will never have the body or youth of a model, and that is okay. I have really messed up my body in so many ways that cannot be undone.
Considering where I was 2 years ago, and where I am today - and my hubby as well - we are literally, completely different people. We are unrecognizable to people who knew us well - and so are you guys If we didn't change ASAP - we would both find an early grave
I am sorry you are feeling down. Though it brings to mind one of my favorite quotes.
"If I could but step outside myself
and contemplate the person that I truly am,
I would at once know what envy is."
Hang in there, things will feel better soon.

I FINALLY made it!! Today I sit at a 'normal' BMI, not over weight, not obese, no longer morbidly obese. Sure, it's just a number, but wow, it feels great to be able to continue to hit benchmarks along this journey!! I am 17 months out and still losing. Slow but steady wins the race, and I am DEFINATELY going to win this one!!

Oh and I almost forgot:
I earned a 4.0 for the entire year. That means that every single class I took I got an A in. Wow, makes me feel confident!

Just popping in here ladies with some good news....
I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL!!!!
As of yesterday, I had my last class. So now, in addition to my bachelor's degree (from oh, 20 years ago) I will now hold a Certificate of Web Tools! Woo hoo!!!
It's been a long time (a year basically of school) and I won't actually have my certificate until May, when they will mail it to me. Now my biggest obstacle will be finding a job....sigh. I'm going to continue to freelance until I can find a full or part-time job and I'm actually thinking I will apply at some temp agencies.
Anyway, that is my big news, my big update. Sunday was a really great eating day then sort of notsomuch yesterday. I can't seem to be consistent. Ugh!
Florinda, I hope you don't get hung out to dry over your complaint...I really wish you could get out of there, and soon! Hugs!
Denise, good luck with the CPAP hunt and sleep studies, I think Bill sounds like he worth ironing out the the kinks with this whole thing in order for you to get a good night's sleep!
I know I'm missing some other posts...sorry!

Like most everyone else mentions - it depends on what it is.
My go to benchmark foods for densest/most filling foods are home baked chicken breast - depending on the day 3-4oz is still max, and one hard boiled egg can still fill me up as if I have eaten a turkey drumstick lol. These two foods will still make me slime if I have even a tiny bit too much.
Three of those frozen turkey meatballs is pretty darned filling as well.
Now if I eat things I am not supposed to - it goes down a lot easier. One could eat a whole lot of ice cream - I am one who dumps with heavy duty sugar - get light headed and heart starts racing, nausea, etc - If I did not dump, I am sure I could take down a pretty serious volume a ice cream or milkshake.
For myself I have to really watch it with the processed carbs and sugar - since I am an addict I will still make myself sick with eating if I don't watch it and be mindful. I worked my way through an entire box of gingersnaps (a personal favorite) over the course of 3 days a couple of months ago - did I eat Protein? hmm maybe a little - it was mostly gingersnaps - with my food/carb addicted head those little Cookies were the only thing I could concentrate on - had to eat them all until they were gone and not share them.
It is better to not have things like that in my house haha and keep working on my issues.

I wandered off my own topic...
My point is that goal is just a number, it is so arbitrary. I claim I got to goal in Feb 2013 because I liked the sound of a nice round 150# weight loss. I fit size 8 pants; sounded great to me after being a 3X.
I have lost more since and truth be told I would like to end 2014 solidly in the mid 140s rather than solid 150. I think I see goal as more of a Fluid destination.... more part of the process. You know skinny people see their weight that way too. Like, they have a number or size in mind, but it isn't seen as the "end" of a journey. It's more of a place you are at.

So, I am hanging out in the 150-151 range lately without fasting. My version of fasting has been to have low carb days... really low carb... alternating with my moderate carb days. I would like to get to 145 but I have to admit I am worried about my sadness level the last few days more than my weight.
Counselor i see really thinks that letting my blood sugar drop is contributing to the problem... I don't know. Today I didn't even want to eat but had lunch because she told me I should. Why am I so funked? Well, there have been a couple of triggers - like just **** happening all around me that I find unbearable at times. Every time i see or talk to my ex I go into a tailspin. Mostly, I think it gets back to the midlife crisis stuff that swizz talks about. Dang it... I have been talking to like a half dozen good friends to discover I have about the happiest life of all of them... maybe this is really as good as it gets. That my friends is a sad realization. I will get over it, but am wallowing at the moment.
I am still practicing my positive writing and remembering to be grateful. I have been the queen of grateful my whole life and I guess maybe it's a little busted right now.
Sarsar, I did like 4-5 consults and my questions became refined as I progressed through them. I needed to see like a zillion before and afters because I started to understand the "cherry picking" process. My favorite local doc had a bunch out on real self AND must have had 20 photo albums covering decades of surgery. She even explained how her technique evolved - I really liked her alot.
Also, to have them really explain what the recommend in terms of phasing.. and why. Make sure they have done a goodly number with photos of massive weight loss patients. It is very misleading to look at photos of a Tummy Tuck of or mommy makeover for someone who had a kid or two and wants to look 25 again. Seriously, massive weight loss is a whole different kettle of fish.
Ask about where the surgery is done (surgical center or hospital). Talk about how complications might be handled. Ask about complication insurance. Discuss after care. I have alot of issues with naseua and anethesia so I had alot of questions around that. Length of surgery. What they recommend for your breasts and why. The Seattle female doc I almost went to gave me the best advice on breasts and it guided my choice. I am SO HAPPY I listened to her and not all the online DDD people who think we all need huge boobs...LOL. I am so happy being a shapely C cup and I have received very positive feedback from the males around so I don't think I went to small and I can still button a jacket.
I was so terror struck at the idea of plastics, i don't even remember everything now... the initial consults really bummed me out, but i got desensitized. Plastics is about tradeoffs and it is something of an art I think... so understanding that surgeons asthetics is really important.
If you are getting a lower body lift you really do risk a bit of a boy figure... watch their before and afters for that issue. Arm lifts - man, look at those afters to see the scar placement. Ask them about scar placement for arms. Ask how they will do the breat lift. My boobs were small and perky enough that he didn't have to do the T cut underneath so I basically have no breast scars - I love that.

Hi Ladies, I've been reading every couple days trying to keep up. Things have been crazy around here. My FIL had his surgery last week. He is doing well. He's in a nursing home for a couple of weeks for rehab. He is actually in great physical condition for his age of 85 so that has made healing a lot easier for him. He had a heart valve that needed to be replaced.
My MIL has Alzheimer's so she can't be alone. She is going back and forth between here and my BIL's house.
It has been very busy because all of this has been taking place in Illinois which is about 1.5 - 2 hours from our house in WI. Also the family dynamics with his family are so out of whack that you wouldn't even believe it if I tried to explain it all to you! I'm hoping things will settle down soon.
Florinda, I read that you had new low but then bounced back up. It will go back down. Hang in there. I am sure the stress of everything has caused you to feel exhausted. Take care of yourself.
Sheryl, I'm interested in hearing what the doctor says about your injury. Do you do any stretching?
My mind is drawing a complete blank on everything I have read and the things that I wanted to say.
Oh, I did want to say that I went to a plastic consult yesterday. I absolutely loved this surgeon. I just got a really good feeling from him. I saw his work and it looks amazing. I also know someone personally who has had work done by him. For the lower body lift, including Lipo, and Tummy Tuck the cost is $13,000. This price seems very reasonable. I would still probably want work done on my inner thighs but he wouldn't want to do that surgery at the same time and the skin on my tummy and butt are what bothers me the most. So we will see. When things calm down here my husband and I will talk about it more. I dream of the day when I don't have to wear the Spanx anymore!
Kim, Denise, Georgia, Kelly, Sheila, Dorrie, Wanda, Sue, Cathy, Florinda, Sheryl...hope I'm not forgetting anyone...Hugs to all of you wonderful ladies!

Florinda I do that all the time and it takes a couple of days to take it back off. You'll have to try to do Protein only and exercise. It's only when we have several of those bad days in a row that it gets really hard to break the cycle.
 
I know you can do this!