sarsar

Hi Ladies. It's been many many months since I have been here. I went back and read over the posts from the last couple weeks but I doubt I'll go back six months and read to catch up.
Life has been crazy and incredibly sad for me since I was here last. I know it was around the time that we found out my dad had pancreatic cancer that I was here.
He passed away on February 12th, and his funeral was on February 20th.
He passed away 5 months to the day we found out he had cancer and what an incredibly long, heartbreaking 5 months it had been.
Shortly after he was diagnosed he had surgery to remove 1/2 of his pancreas and all of his spleen. They thought they had removed all of the cancer but a few days later the pathology report had stated that there was cancer that had grown out and above the pancreas and it was also in some of his lymph nodes.
He did pretty well for a week or so after the surgery and went home but a couple days after he came home he ended up with complications; a leak where the pancreas was stitched after it was removed so pancreatic Fluid was leaking and was very painful. Back in the hospital he went. That's when the nightmare began.
He was so very sick and just didn't recover well. Day after day something would go wrong. At one point he had 6 drains and also a drain into his stomach for tube feeding. He just couldn't recover from these complications. He developed wounds in his incision and it was all just a awful.
We finally did get him home right before thanksgiving but he was in his bed most of the time, very weak with a nurse coming to the house daily.
He had to recover from this in order get strong enough to have chemo to begin to deal with the cancer that we knew was, at that point, in his lymph nodes.
He never did recover, we had multi visits to the hospital to see doctor and wound care. By this point all he could do was walk to the bathroom and to the car but other than that he was in a wheel chair, he was just too weak to do anything.
In January we found out the cancer has spread to his liver and that he likely had a few more months to live. His oncologist told him he could start a mild form of chemo. My mom and sisters and I didn't want him to do it Bc we knew he was so weak and sick already. He decided to do it and we knew we had to respect whatever decision he made.
He had chemo on a Monday in the beginning of February. He was very tired over the next few days and by Thursday my mom called me in a panic saying he was shaking so bad and had a high fever. I rushed over and we took him to the ER. I should have called 911, by the time we got to the ER he couldn't even stand on his own and they had to lift him out of the car.
The next day, Friday, we found out the cancer had spread everywhere in his body. He decided he would go home on hospice. While in the hospital for a couple days, hourly he was getting worse. The pain was worse. He could actually feel tumors popping up and feel the cancer growing in his body.
He went home in an ambulance on Monday. Hospice started and we were hoping to have a few more weeks with him.
Again, hourly the pain would be worse, we had to figure out pain meds and he was getting so many different ones, every hour, just to keep him comfortable.
By Thursday of that week he went into a coma. He came out of it for just a bit on Thursday night, he and my mom slept pretty well that night together. Friday morning he woke up again for a few minutes but was in much pain. We increased pain meds even more. He went into a coma again and never woke up after that. He died that Friday night surrounded by his family.
It's has been an incredibly emotional time for all of us. From the time he was diagnosed, it was bad news. Non stop hospital/doctor visits. Just one thing after another. I kid you not when I saw we never went more than a couple days and he would go back to the doctor to find out more bad news.
Now we are learning how to grieve. None of my sisters or my mom have ever lost someone so close to us so it's a learning process. We are all a close family.
It's hard seeing my mom so very sad, she doesn't know how to live after losing her best friend of 50 years. I don't know how to help her while I am trying to grieve the loss of a wonderful dad and gramps.
I have good days and bad days and I know I'll make it through.
I've only gained 5-7 pounds, depending on the day I step in the scale. I'm not too concerned about that. The last couple weeks I am finally getting back into my regular exercise routine. This is helping me emotionally. The weight will go back down now that I'm eating normal again. For 5 months every single day was in limbo so my regular exercise and clean eating took a back seat. My whole life, my husband and my kids all took a back seat.
Deep down, when I found out he had cancer, I didn't think he would make it long. When he developed complications after the surgery, I knew in my heart, it was going to be a downward spiral.
I am so thankful I was able to devote my time to be with my mom and dad and to help. I went to every single doctor appointment with him and I was at the hospital almost daily with him. The last week I was with him at his house day and night.
I was able to say everything I wanted to say to him. My children and husband were able to say anything they needed or wanted to say to him while he was still alert and knew what was going on.
He was at peace with dying and the only thing that made him sad was that he didn't want to leave my mom alone. They loved each other so very much, a love I am so thankful to have witnessed through the years.
Thanks for reading, if you read all the way through, I know it was a long one. It felt good to type it out.
I needed some time away from here but I am back now so I'll try to post more.

Hi Ladies. It's been many many months since I have been here. I went back and read over the posts from the last couple weeks but I doubt I'll go back six months and read to catch up.
Life has been crazy and incredibly sad for me since I was here last. I know it was around the time that we found out my dad had pancreatic cancer that I was here.
He passed away on February 12th, and his funeral was on February 20th.
He passed away 5 months to the day we found out he had cancer and what an incredibly long, heartbreaking 5 months it had been.
Shortly after he was diagnosed he had surgery to remove 1/2 of his pancreas and all of his spleen. They thought they had removed all of the cancer but a few days later the pathology report had stated that there was cancer that had grown out and above the pancreas and it was also in some of his lymph nodes.
He did pretty well for a week or so after the surgery and went home but a couple days after he came home he ended up with complications; a leak where the pancreas was stitched after it was removed so pancreatic Fluid was leaking and was very painful. Back in the hospital he went. That's when the nightmare began.
He was so very sick and just didn't recover well. Day after day something would go wrong. At one point he had 6 drains and also a drain into his stomach for tube feeding. He just couldn't recover from these complications. He developed wounds in his incision and it was all just a awful.
We finally did get him home right before thanksgiving but he was in his bed most of the time, very weak with a nurse coming to the house daily.
He had to recover from this in order get strong enough to have chemo to begin to deal with the cancer that we knew was, at that point, in his lymph nodes.
He never did recover, we had multi visits to the hospital to see doctor and wound care. By this point all he could do was walk to the bathroom and to the car but other than that he was in a wheel chair, he was just too weak to do anything.
In January we found out the cancer has spread to his liver and that he likely had a few more months to live. His oncologist told him he could start a mild form of chemo. My mom and sisters and I didn't want him to do it Bc we knew he was so weak and sick already. He decided to do it and we knew we had to respect whatever decision he made.
He had chemo on a Monday in the beginning of February. He was very tired over the next few days and by Thursday my mom called me in a panic saying he was shaking so bad and had a high fever. I rushed over and we took him to the ER. I should have called 911, by the time we got to the ER he couldn't even stand on his own and they had to lift him out of the car.
The next day, Friday, we found out the cancer had spread everywhere in his body. He decided he would go home on hospice. While in the hospital for a couple days, hourly he was getting worse. The pain was worse. He could actually feel tumors popping up and feel the cancer growing in his body.
He went home in an ambulance on Monday. Hospice started and we were hoping to have a few more weeks with him.
Again, hourly the pain would be worse, we had to figure out pain meds and he was getting so many different ones, every hour, just to keep him comfortable.
By Thursday of that week he went into a coma. He came out of it for just a bit on Thursday night, he and my mom slept pretty well that night together. Friday morning he woke up again for a few minutes but was in much pain. We increased pain meds even more. He went into a coma again and never woke up after that. He died that Friday night surrounded by his family.
It's has been an incredibly emotional time for all of us. From the time he was diagnosed, it was bad news. Non stop hospital/doctor visits. Just one thing after another. I kid you not when I saw we never went more than a couple days and he would go back to the doctor to find out more bad news.
Now we are learning how to grieve. None of my sisters or my mom have ever lost someone so close to us so it's a learning process. We are all a close family.
It's hard seeing my mom so very sad, she doesn't know how to live after losing her best friend of 50 years. I don't know how to help her while I am trying to grieve the loss of a wonderful dad and gramps.
I have good days and bad days and I know I'll make it through.
I've only gained 5-7 pounds, depending on the day I step in the scale. I'm not too concerned about that. The last couple weeks I am finally getting back into my regular exercise routine. This is helping me emotionally. The weight will go back down now that I'm eating normal again. For 5 months every single day was in limbo so my regular exercise and clean eating took a back seat. My whole life, my husband and my kids all took a back seat.
Deep down, when I found out he had cancer, I didn't think he would make it long. When he developed complications after the surgery, I knew in my heart, it was going to be a downward spiral.
I am so thankful I was able to devote my time to be with my mom and dad and to help. I went to every single doctor appointment with him and I was at the hospital almost daily with him. The last week I was with him at his house day and night.
I was able to say everything I wanted to say to him. My children and husband were able to say anything they needed or wanted to say to him while he was still alert and knew what was going on.
He was at peace with dying and the only thing that made him sad was that he didn't want to leave my mom alone. They loved each other so very much, a love I am so thankful to have witnessed through the years.
Thanks for reading, if you read all the way through, I know it was a long one. It felt good to type it out.
I needed some time away from here but I am back now so I'll try to post more.

Plain Water made me sick until 8 or 9 months out. After that I could drink it again and now it's totally normal and I drink a lot of it. This was really hard for me bc before surgery I drank a lot of water and I loved it, I was worried that I would never be able to drink it plain again. Thankfully that was not the case for me and I love water again!

Sarah and Denise - great news from both of you.
Sarah your stress levels must have gone down a bit. The looming operation must be of concern of course but one day at a time.
Denise so glad the back is healing, you must be delighted to get back to exercise, don't over do it! One day at a time for you too.
Florinda, when do you start your trip?
Happy weekend everyone.

Sheryl, please post pics of the before and after! I would have a hard time with remodeling, too. Very stressful. We have a bunch we really need to have done on our house. My husband isn't a handy man at all so it's stressful just having people here and getting estimates. Neither of us know anything about any of what they are saying. Oh well.
Florinda, did you get your thyroid tests back? Did the dr say if any of the weight issues are related to the MS?
I have good news to share about my dad. We met with the doctors and they all agree his cancer was caught very early and from what they can tell so far, it has not spread. The oncologist said his cancer is not presenting itself the same way that most pancreatic cancer does. He believes the best route for him is to have it removed. The surgeon will take out 1/2 of his pancreas along with his spleen.
The oncologist said he doesn't believe it's terminal and he doesn't think he'll need any chemo or radiation after the surgery. He will send everything that is removed to pathology and once we get that report we will know for sure if this is the case.
Really it's the best news we could have received so far.
The surgery is major and he'll be in the hospital for a week. He's having surgery on October 7th.
I'm happy about this news. I am also a little concerned that my dad will not get a second opinion. He liked what he heard and he just wants the cancer out.
From all of the research I have done, it leads me to believe that he should get a second opinion just to be safe. Also, I wish he would go to a hospital that was more known for dealing with pancreatic cancer. We have one just a couple miles from their house, and another in Chicago. But, again, he is refusing and I can't push it. It's up to him and all I can really do is make suggestions and then support him/them with whatever is decided.
So, some of the stress is relieved because we have some answers. Some of it is still there as we all deal with him having this surgery and then getting the pathology report back with the final results.

Sarah what wonderful love to witness, what a blessing!
Coops, hope you are finding nice happy things in your new school year, how's life with the slow cooker Cathy?
I've upped my dose of venlafaxine, I think it is making me impulsive/spend money... I have shot myself with the MS drug since the 6th, 3x a week, no positive effects so far...

Loved those pix Sarah! !!
I weighed 163 this morning...heading the right direction!
I think this wellbutrin is making me act weird.

Oh Girlfriend... Life has such sweet sorrow! My mom was sick and passed a year ago... She and my dad were together for 67 years... I too felt for them and my Dads future without mom. I have to say, I jumped in and made the most of every minute I could with mom and dad. I didn't want there to be a chance that Mom had any question in her mind that I did not care for her or love her to pieces. I did a lot of hand holding, joking, normal conversations and a few times had the chance to guide her in her fear and confusion through a story of Love, not only our love for her, but her love for us, gratitude and ultimately her faith in God. I told her that all the love she had given to us all was now coming back to her... and she would be able to live in all that love. I had the chance to tell her that we would be ok, and she could go and feel released and she didn't have to worry about us we would miss her, but she had prepared us well with her love and caring through the years.
I did this for her, I did this for the others in the family who maybe did not have the skill or strength, and I did it for me. I did not want to have any regrets about her last days and what I did in them. I also organized her commemoration and such, and tried to do things her way... lovely and generous as she was. This was a blessing for me and my family. I know I am still sad, and even started taking antidepressants after a year where the grief really caught up with me, and they have been such a life saver as well. I am the kind of person that want to dive into every aspect of life, even the dark and difficult ones because it is our life after all, and life is to be lived in all its complexities, and there is "gold in that sh*t"! meaning, you can find great knowledge in the difficult.... richness.... time to love mom, even a few months to show your love to your dad is a blessing.... so sorry you are going through this... and him and your mom.... your family....

Sarah, I am honored that you feel close enough to us to share your feelings during such a difficult time.
Sheryl, I can't believe you have to have it removed. They are going to replace it though, right?
I just went to a talk this evening given by a nutritionist/dietitian who talked about plant based eating. She says it's not the same thing as being vegan. Anyway, she gave all these different illnesses and claimed they can all be improved by plant based eating. She especially mentioned MS .

Removed and replaced?
Sar, sending you positive energy, for healing and acceptance. Just love as much as you can.
Having excruciating esophageal spasms, been happening since I started trying to get off the daily antacids I've been on for 5 years now...

Sarah I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I wish I had words to offer but sadly my family experiences with cancer have not been miracle stories.
I was devastated when I lost my sister and at some point I realized my grief exceeded what people thought is normal for losing a sibling. The blessing for me was realizing I was so lucky to have a sister I loved and was so bonded with - like a twin maybe. I realized that we had a special relationship and I gave thanks for having it.
When i read about your dad I can't help but think of a life well lived and the kind if dad many of us wished for. That feeling of admiration and your love for him shine through. ..and that is true whether he lives another 3 months, years or decades. That can never be taken away.

Sarah, I am so sad to hear about your dad. I hope they caught it quickly and his prognosis is good. I will say prayers for you and your family. I think you should be reevaluated it you have been on the same anti depressant for a long time. Some times our bodies just get too used to one medication and it stops working. That's what I've been told.
I'm doing okay. I am finding friends to go for walks with me which I am supposed to do every day. I'm going to sign up at the gym pretty soon and start walking on the treadmill too.
I saw John last night. I was surprised he texted me and wanted me to come over. I was curious so I went over there. We had agreed to go back to being friends the way we were before we went out for another friends' birthday and he moved things into another level. I really never thought I'd hear from him again. So, I went over there, and he cooked me a steak and we watched a movie. He told me about some problems with his family and that he's not able to talk to a lot of people but feels comfortable with me. He kept it at a strictly platonic level which was fine with me. He's going to work on my rental so I feel better that there's no hard feelings, and I know he will do a good job for me.
I'm trying to watch what I eat because I absolutely can not gain any more weight. that's all there is to it. I know my problem is sweets so I just have to say no. Not a bite. One bite leads to more.
Sheryl I hope the Wellbutrin works for you and the side effects go away. I am trying to get into a new doctor, so if I do, I will probably ask to try something different that I haven't tried.

Oh my Sarah! That is so hard. I'm glad you came here and shared... we are here for you as much as we can.... I agree with Sheryl.... do get reassessed for your meds... in times of stress, no need to take on the extra if you don't have to. My newish meds have been great... I do notice (now at about 3 months) that the adrenaline shots I used to feel are starting to show up again... I'm on a very small dose, and may have to ramp it up a bit at some point. You take care, there IS joy to be found in this life... don't give up on finding it!

@@sarsar so so sorry about your dad. I know that is devastating. I am praying for the best possible outcome.
I think your depression predates that diagnosis though. I think you should take seriously your family asking you to take action. I am really sick of talk therapy too - I am not one to hold things inside so talking to a stranger never really helped me too much. However, I do think seeing someone that might be a good listener and ALSO knows how to balance/adjust meds might be a good choice. I know you are on antidepressants, but there are alot of different types and dosages, so consider changing/adapting.
Being depressed isn't just a choice, it really is a chemical imbalance. I notice with my anxiety, i can go along pretty good then once something tips me into it... it seems to take on a life of it's own. Like the andrenal response just keeps firing even after the crisis is done. My friend P has done alot of research and found this is a very common problem among people who had "abusive" childhoods" - their fight or flight andreniline runs at full throttle too often and with little provocation. I don't know if there is real science behind that, but it makes sense.
For me, it was a huge wakeup call when the woman at work took her life. I am far from suicidal, not even depressed really, but just feel kinda stuck and the anxiety... thinking in circles... certainly doesn't help with that. I was managing my anxiety fairly well, but it was exhausting to think of all the little things I had to do just to try to feel normal. So, while it is too soon to tell if the wellbutrin is going to work, I do feel better already and hope it keeps taking me the right direction - just being normal.
I am wishing the best for you, hope you keep coming here to post and hope you find some relief. You deserve to have a life that while never perfect, gives you joy and pleasure.

Went to an art opening at my local gallery, here is a pic of my friend and gallery owner Mima, my crazy neighbor Robert and me....Cant really see my figure there... Bill Cosby sweater around hips and fake snake purse in the way... Had a fun night, saw lots of old friends, glass of wine... nice weather. Got home and Craig messaged he was on the way home early... he went on a motorcycle trip to Montana for 9 days.

I have gone on a couple of casual dates. I saw someone named Jim a few times... nice man, family oriented, fit, many good attributes but he just did not appeal to me. needy was the big reason. Also, do you ever meet someone who meets your requirements, and yet you still just don't find them appealing? weird. I decided to not keep seeing him.
I have seen a man named Dan a few times - he is a Data Scientist at a big software company but is ALSO a professional musician. He is fun. i wish he were fitter, but I really enjoy his company so I am going to keep seeing him... still very light and casual. I am going to watch him play music for the second time at a big festival that is coming up - looking forward to that.
The person I just met, Doug was a bit of a surprise. We just had a glass of wine and delicious shrimp at the restaurant at the Willows Lodge and talked for hours. I think we are going either out on his (very small) boat or perhaps for a hike this weekend.
To be honest, i am not feeling very relationship ready at the moment. I feel like the longer I am single, the less I am interested in something that fits the traditional "relationship" mode. I dont know what is wrong with me, but I just see it as not really worth the effort.
I am having some health problems right now too ... and I suspect that impacts my attitude as well.

Thought I would branch out and go read some other posts on the board for once in my life - just want to say that I think it is probably a good idea that Lipsticklady isn't in the group- she seems to take things really personally, and seems that she could be a 'pot-stirrer' - not that I know her at all.
I dunno - I tend to stay pretty far away from folks who don't seem to recognize that text carries no inflection - that if you are getting hurt and upset by posts that are not blatant attacks or harassment - that it is you who is bringing the negative vortex into play. Reminds me of having to go over this constantly with our girls and other folks on the web - pre-teen stuff.

Some of you know me well as I have been around a long time... but for back story I was pretty hopeless about losing weight and especially maintaining it when I began this sleeve journey. I had "failed" with the lapband in an epic way and by the time I revised to the sleeve I was well over 300# (although down from my lifetime recorded high of 332# while banded). I was super morbidly obese and spent a lot of years there. I felt aged beyond my years and besides feeling physically miserable, I was certainly NOT an object of attention from the opposite gender. Hell, i never even had a chubby chaser interested in me.
(I did have a serious relationship, I have never been a loner, but my point is I have always been one to focus on intelligence and personality, not looks or body)
Because of my active lifestyle, I have mostly had slender friends even when I was obese. I never went out for girls night with them, never went dancing, I felt like I didn't belong in those settings. So, after losing a bunch of weight, I had plastics and am now maintaining. I social with lots of people now and feel like i fit in many places, but am still sometimes surprised at my own preconceived notions.
Currently, I am about 5# over my goal and about 25# over my lowest weight - I am 3.5 years post sleeve so this is frankly pretty typical. It can get a little discouraging as I am having a heck of a time re-losing this weight. I am fine at my current size, but i was finer thinner haha... so it is still something I want. You know how your state of mind is when your favorite jeans are too tight.... that is where i am!
Okay, now my NSV Story!
I went out to the racetrack on the 3rd for a big girls day of races and fireworks. I went with 3 very attractive ladies who are all naturally very trim. They range from tiny cute as a pixie (Which also makes her look really young) to that tall blond skinny model look (two of those, one fairly boyish looking the other more curvy - both very very attractive). Anyway, all 4 of us are unloading the cooler, doing stuff getting ready to go in. I was applying sunscreen. this really really really attractive man - probably about 40 (we are all about 50) walks by and looks right at me and smiles and says "need any help with that?". All of us freeze as it processes... he is talking to ME! What? I smiled at him as he walked away (it was only later I thought I should have said "YES") and one of the ladies said "this is going to be a good day".
I don't spend alot of time comparing myself to others, I really don't. But after a lifetime of obesity, super morbid obesity - you never expect to be the one in your group of attractive friends to get the notice.
Looks don't actually matter that much - one of the ironies i have learned in this journey, but it still felt good and my friends were all very happy for me too... That also makes me feel good that they are so pleased with my successes.

Some people responded to this a few pages ago. Seems like most are saying yes to sleeve4me and no to lipstick.

Some people responded to this a few pages ago. Seems like most are saying yes to sleeve4me and no to lipstick.

Yesterday was my 5 year anniversary of my sleeve...each year I think about writing a progress report but I never do cos I am not at goal... I don't feel like a failure now, as I once did. I don't know what is stopping me to be honest.
I am starting to think that after 2 years of being at this weight I have pretty much finished my weight loss journey. But then that stubborn side of me says, NO! Keep on keeping on...
Anyway,the last 5 years, really have been incredible - cliched to the max but I've lost the weight and found myself!

@@Oregondaisy, how did the counselor meeting go?
I decided I want to get back to learning to dance. I have 3 areas of interest - swing type dancing, country western style and salsa. I am NOT a natural at dancing so it is effort. I was feeling pretty comfortable doing basic swing dancing but got out of the habit of going and feel kinda awkward again! I think I am going to go at least TRY salsa lessons. ha
I am doing really well in many ways. I feel a certain peace with some aspects of my life which is really great. I do still feel at times a certain...out of sorts or internal unsettled but it is getting much much better.
It is making it easier for me to make life decisions, I am getting "unstuck" when I feel less uncertain about my world. I had a major insight that has helped. I realized that i have always been so goal focused. Finish college, get that career, buy that house, raise that family, lose that weight...whatever.
I have reached that phase of life when not only do I have few goals, but the whole goal driven life just doesn't even make sense any more. My friend Shawn quite unwittingly made a statement that really reasonated - which was - just have fun for now.
To a large extend I DO JUST THAT and am in fact her inspiration. What she was really saying is make that the deal, the focus, no reason to come up with a larger life purpose just yet. I sometimes find myself slipping into the question of "what am i doing with my life?" but I am getting better at making peace with the fact that I don't really need to answer that.
I thought that at the root of all this was my fear of aging, the middle aged crisis thing. I do feel that sense of time going by, but frankly I have always had that "drive" inside me so I think I have used age as an excuse rather than it being my actual source of angst.
Anyway, I have extended this to asking myself what I even want out of dating/relationship. I don't know the answer to that question anymore. I felt so sure I knew but I really don't. i know I really really want a good physical relationship again and haven't had it in quite awhile. I want to go back to my old friend Steven but that isn't the right path for alot of reasons. I am not worrying about it, but letting the idea roll around a bit in my mind about having a summer romance that is just FUN and really has no other expected outcome. I haven't found a likely candidate or anything, but the IDEA sounds kinda nice!

I'm going to the mountains (high desert) this weekend. Going kayaking and bird watching with friends. So fun. I really need to get away. Its been so hot here, supposed to be 108 today.... Craig is riding his motorcycle up to Montana this week, so he will be gone. Nice to get out with the girls. Weight sitting around 189... I hear you Florinda, the 5 pound tango. So much harder to get off this weight window....
Lipstick Lady, I don't know her personally, but like to see her input around here. Like her style. OK with me.

Here is one very popular post that was started by sleve4me.... perhaps you will remember her from this: http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/194493-weight-gained-since-having-gastric-sleeve-surgery/
This little group really helps me to just be honest... touch base, feel safe and not alone in this thing. I love you guys and really wish the best for you all. It helps me whether I'm gaining, losing or staying the same....

@@UK Cathy - yea, off work til Monday, then I think we have two weeks left before the summer holidays... I too wish we were closer, it would be fab to meet up again. I hope your back is ok... a few days rest is probably what is needed.
what kind of training do you do?
I need to up my exercise - I have said it before and did try - was doing ok with the squats and sit up etc but now I've done very little moving for over two weeks! Like I said I need a kick up the bum! We should kick each other ...lol... metaphorically of course!