Help! My Family Is Against My Weight Loss Surgery!
Why Does It Matter?
Support during your Weight Loss Surgery journey can help you succeed. It is motivating to know that the people who love you are on your side. Through the long days of diet restrictions and dramatic lifestyle changes, your journey will be easier if your family members and friends pitch in however they can, whether with verbal encouragement or concrete changes such as avoiding eating off-limits foods in front of you.
Still, it is important to remember that you CAN succeed, whether or not you get the support you hope for.
Get to the Heart of the Matter
First, make sure you know why they are against your weight loss surgery. It is often because they are afraid for your safety. They may know people – or know people who know people who know people – who had complications from Weight Loss Surgery. You can talk to them about the real risks of surgery – using statistics rather than hearsay – compared to the risks of remaining overweight.
Still, do not assume that your safety is why they are negative about your decision. It is important to let them express their concerns and to address them directly. These are some other common reasons why your family and friends might have a negative gut reaction to your exciting news.
- They may be worried that you won’t be able to stick to the Weight Loss Surgery diet, and that you’ll be disappointed with the results.
- They may think you don’t need it. A lot of family members have trouble seeing how overweight you are, and understanding how much it interferes with your life and health.
- They may feel insulted. Parents especially may feel as though they have failed if they see you, their child, opt for surgery.
- They may feel threatened. Your significant other, for example, may be comfortable in the relationship you have had for years, and may worry that the way you feel about him/her will change as you lose weight.
- They may not know what it means for them. Friends may worry that you won’t want to hang out with them anymore, especially if your time together tends to revolve around food or if they think of you as their dependable “fat friend.”
Whatever the true concern is, address it directly. Reassure your friends and family that you are doing this for you, and that you will not become a different person.
Offer Them a Role
Some friends and family members may feel overwhelmed by your news of Weight Loss Surgery, and that can lead to their negative response. Surprisingly, offering them ways to be more involved in the experience can actually help change their minds. They may feel better about your WLS once you tell them the details about the prep, procedure, and diet, and may even be grateful if you let them know specifically what they can do to help.
Address Meal Times Directly
Food is central to relationships at home and in social settings, so it is understandable if your loved ones are worried about how your upcoming Weight Loss Surgery will affect the time you spend together. If you think this may be a concern, discuss meals at home and in restaurants with your friends and family. Let them know that you will still be present at the table and interested in being good company, even if you are not eating as much as them or ordering the exact foods that they are. If you are comfortable with the situation, they are more likely to be.
Agree to Disagree
In most cases, family members mean well. It may be hard to remember or see in the heat of the moment, but they often do genuinely want the very best for you. If you have already tried your hardest to convince them to support your Weight Loss Surgery decision and they are not ready to do so, your next hope is to keep them as an ally in other aspects of your life.
Hopefully, you and they can agree to disagree about your Weight Loss Surgery. You can let them know that you respect their opinion and will not be pressuring them to support your WLS. In exchange, you can ask them to continue to be your friend regardless of whether you are a bariatric surgery patient.
Be Patient
Sometimes, it just takes time. Your own Weight Loss Surgery success may be the best argument for why your loved ones should support you. It may take weeks, months, or a year, but they may come around as they see how happy you are, and as they realize how much they miss you.
Bariatric surgery is a lot easier when everyone you love supports your decision, but that’s not always the case. Don’t let resistance from family members and friends get you down, though. They’re probably trying to act in your best interest, and in most cases, you can still get Weight Loss Surgery while keeping strong relationships with them.
Alex Brecher
I am a native New Yorker who loves spending time with my children and working out at the gym.
I had struggled with my weight my whole life. Diets worked for me until I went off them and gained back more weight each time. Finally, a friend who used to be obese told me that he had gotten weight loss surgery. I could see how great he looked, and I got weight loss surgery in 2003. Thankfully, I can say that I have never looked back. It helped me lose more than 100 lbs. and keep the weight off since 2003.
I am the founder of BariatricPal and proud of everything that it means to the entire weight loss surgery community. Together, we can fight obesity and work toward living healthier lifestyles!
You can view The BIG Books on Weight Loss Surgery book series at the BariatricPal Store.
I work in a high school and one of then inspirational posters says "Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind".
I'm not totally sure other then the "seeing me be cut on again", is all he has ever told me.@@FitnessMyWay What are your husband's concerns? Have you really told him how you feel and why you want this surgery? Although you are healthy now - it is likely that remaining obese will soon result in comorbidities. Explain that to him and that you want to get your weight under control before you develop other health problems or ruin your joints, spine, etc. Although you certainly don't need his support - it will make things easier. This is a very emotional journey.
Sent from my SM-T817V using the BariatricPal App
This is So crazy because this very statement is what plays in my head daily. It's not about anyone but me, wanting to live a healthy lifestyle and make some more positive changes in my life!!! Thank you for sharing!I work in a high school and one of then inspirational posters says "Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind".
Sent from my SM-T817V using the BariatricPal App
My husband works in the OR at a top Hospital. He's against me having the surgery because he sees a lot of return patients who are getting revisions after having gained back the weight, and he doesn't think I have the discipline to stick with the plan. This last part is hard to hear. I feel like I do, and that in the past I have stuck with "the plan", but that "the plan" wasn't enough for me -- that I would need "the extreme plan". And I did stick to "the extreme plan" for most of a decade, but I can't maintain that intensity anymore. I feel like my stomach is too big and too loud for the amounts I should be consuming, and that WLS would correct that. Unfortunately, I don't think I can ever get my husband away from thinking "if only you had enough will power" and that WLS is cheating or avoiding personal responsibility.
There are so many people against this kind of surgery......... Usually people who have never had a weight issue to deal with.....
Only one person knew I was having this done. None of my friends or family are even aware that I went in to hospital for 3 nights and took two weeks off after. They would have all been against it. I feel no guilt or regret for keeping it from them. It was my decision and it is my life that is improving
I told four people: mom, sister, brother, and husband.
My husband was great. He said he knew how unhappy my weight made me, and he just wanted me to happy.
Brother said he didn't approve, but it's my life, my body. Then he never brought it up again.
Mom had an employee who had RNY, lost 200 lbs, ended up a size 16 and suffers from anemia. Mom said, 'Don't do it! You'll still be fat, and you'll be sick on top of it!" But she dropped it and never brought it up again.
Sister, though, really hurt me. She was furious. She refused to even speak with me for two months after surgery, and to this day our relationship isn't the same. She makes mean comments to me, excludes me, and avoids me. She used to be my best friend.
I wouldn't change anything about getting the surgery, though. I am so much happier, even with losing that relationship.
Sent from my SM-G925V using the BariatricPal App
how do we deal with loosing those close relationships, like siblings and family? all because we decide to do something about our weight once and for all? What are we suppose to do stay morbid obese just for them? And then if we manage to take the weight all down and keep it off, how do we deal with the loss of those once relationships esp. blood like siblings?
My sister had a bypass done some years ago. Lost all the weight and gained it all back and then some. She's the biggest she's ever been these days, BUT she also has a lot of mental issues and addictions that she never really got help for that led her weight gain. For this reason alone, I haven't told most of my family because they'll automatically associate my decision with hers. We are not even close to being alike in any way, shape, or form.
I told my husband, he supports me. He wants me to be happier about my health/weight and tells me all the time to do what I feel like I need to do, no matter the costs, etc. I also suspect that he wants me to be the "hot" again. LOL My youngest brother had concerns, "why don't you just eat better?" I quickly told him to educate himself on bariatric surgery before he slams my decision. Two days later he texts me and says he will be here for me for whatever decision I make. And my sister in law to whom I'm very close to says she's a supporter. I have told some friends and they're on board (but I don't need nor care if they approve or not). I think overall, the only person I need approval from is my husband. That's all that matters to me.
I never told a soul about my surgery except my late husband...dating a man now 2 1/2 YEARS and still not telling....its my secretThis hits home because just last Saturday, my daughter cried and begged me not to make a decision now. She thinks we can try again with mainstream weight loss endeavors...while I see her point, I know what I've been through over the years. She is so afraid I'm going to die, either on the table or from a post-op complication, she refuses to listen anymore.
This makes me sad because I told her I'd try again for her. But in reality, now I'm pushing ahead with plans of the surgery behind her back. She doesn't realize that in a year, she will be moving out. I'm alone and I want to move forward with my life. I've already made huge changes and my weight is the last thing holding me back. I'm 42 years old. I WANT TO LIVE!
I realize dieting with her will help. But I know where my weight plateau will be--it will be still considerably overweight, but will put me low enough that I will not be accepted for this surgery. I didn't come to this decision lightly and have been researching for two years! Now that I've made the decision to do it, I don't think a lack of support will hold me back. I'll just have to work harder to prove that the decision I made was the right one for me and that it will have a happy ending.
When I had surgery in 2003 I didn't tell a soul since I knew that everyone (friend's and family!) would try to talk me out of my decision to move forward. I felt guilty about hiding this big secret from them. It was the BEST decision I ever made! Years later most of my family and friend's are pro-WLS since they've seen how it positively changed my life.
Sent from my SM-G930P using the BariatricPal App
On 2016-10-04 at 5:29 PM, Lori Orr said:
Did they make you take a support person? I've asked two different people if it was required and they both ignore the question!
If I'm able to go by myself, I feel strongly that at 4 days post op I can walk from the car, check in at San Diego airport, fly to Sacramento, and walk to the car of the person who's picking me up. I'm a tough lady! I've been through 3 C-sections, a Tummy Tuck and gallbladder removal. However, this is one thing I've never done, so any input would be greatly appreciated!
I'm going by myself , only my husband knows but he gotta stay with our younger kids.
On 2016-11-04 at 10:39 AM, Didjit said:My husband works in the OR at a top Hospital. He's against me having the surgery because he sees a lot of return patients who are getting revisions after having gained back the weight, and he doesn't think I have the discipline to stick with the plan. This last part is hard to hear. I feel like I do, and that in the past I have stuck with "the plan", but that "the plan" wasn't enough for me -- that I would need "the extreme plan". And I did stick to "the extreme plan" for most of a decade, but I can't maintain that intensity anymore. I feel like my stomach is too big and too loud for the amounts I should be consuming, and that WLS would correct that. Unfortunately, I don't think I can ever get my husband away from thinking "if only you had enough will power" and that WLS is cheating or avoiding personal responsibility.
I was scared to ask my husband to support this (being a stay at home Mom) I don't have a pay cheque, he wasn't thrilled, but I told him "I'm 60lbs over weight and I gain 5-7 pounds every year, I need to reset and I can't loose 60lbs on my own, I've tried to loose 30, and I'd gain 5, after all said and done. Surprisingly he said "okay, but I don't like the idea , but if you know what your doing and you did your research" he did have a lot of health questions. I'm booked for march 23rd!
KristenLe 5,979
Posted
@@FitnessMyWay What are your husband's concerns? Have you really told him how you feel and why you want this surgery? Although you are healthy now - it is likely that remaining obese will soon result in comorbidities. Explain that to him and that you want to get your weight under control before you develop other health problems or ruin your joints, spine, etc. Although you certainly don't need his support - it will make things easier. This is a very emotional journey.
Share this comment
Link to comment
Share on other sites