A little bit bummed...

Mother's Day was wonderful! I have the best family in the world!! After church yesterday, we all trapesed over to my skinny in-laws house and stayed there the rest of the day. I was feeling really fat (Husband took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant), and I was noticing how the top part of my stomach was rubbing against my top. Gross.

But I've felt a shift in my attitude...I am not defeated by this fat, because i know in a year it won't be like this.

I called my mom for Mother's Day and caught up on everything at home (1,000 miles away) and then I dropped the bomb about what I am "thinking" about doing. I didn't tell her that my barium test is tomorrow, my phsych evaluation is next week and my preop appt is right around the corneer. She was really shocked that I would do something so drastic...and she said, "Wouldn't it be aweful if you died on the table doing something like this?" (NOT saying that I haven't thought about that)...but she was extremely reserved and skeptical of the whole idea of this surgery.

When I told my skinny sister on Friday she said, "OH, I hate to think about you living your life unable to enjoy stuffing at Thanksgiving, a piece of pizza...those kinds of things." She has never felt the shame of walking up to a sink in a public restroom and never looking at herself in the mirror because the reflection is not something you want to be reminded of.

I know that this surgery is a huge step and that I will give up alot of things that I enjoy now. I know that I am biting off a whole lot more than I can chew. But, food--to me--has been chains,.... holding me inside, keeping me back, stealing my health, draining my energy, feeling like a slave, losing my confidence. This step is declaring war and changing my relationship with food. I am putting a boundary on a toxic relationship with food and saying---THIS is how far you can come! I am taking my life back sooner than later!

And, yeah...I AM scared to death that I could "die on the table" and with a beautiful six-year old daughter there is nothing that would justify that or say that it was "worth it". If I die on the table, or from complications from surgery it would NEVER be worth Jasmine losing a mommy!!

So, I'm just kind of discouraged today. AND I started the pill again, so hormones are a little whacked....

Tomorrow is the barium swallow. Woo-Hoo! I wonder how that will taste. :oP

BUT I'm APPROVED!!! I talked to my husband about all of this and he said that you take risks driving to work every day on 66. That this is something that he supports me 100% on and that "we are doing this" and you'll never regret it. That's what I needed.

I know I'm 33 and I don't need permission....but I want supportive family. It means alot to me that this huge step would be backed up by them. NOW I can completely understand not telling ANYONE until it's over.....sometimes it just kind of drags you down.

But then I met my husband online---and moved 1,000 miles away to have my dream life now. Sometimes you just know in your heart what is right for you--even when other's would NEVER do it in a million years.

I've just given this whole thing to God...there are alot of tests and things yet to go....if I'm not supposed to do it, I'm just praying that He makes it impossible for me to do it. God is in control and I can rest assured in that.

I think thats what you should do. My mom is a nay-sayer but I decide whats best for me. Unless you are over weight you really don't know what its like. I am having my surgery in june and I am excited about life in general. My entire family is obese and will be the first to take a step to fight that starting now. I am 25 and have no health issues and don't want to start any so I say as long as your husband is supportive forget everything else.

Great story re skinny relatives. True, nobody can relate if they haven't walked in our "sensible shoes."

I love the declaration of war - the visual of chains that keep you down. Well said. Keep your head up! - mscarly

I love how your sister said those things about the thanksgiving dinner and the pizza!! All I can say to you is you will love the smaller jeans than that slice of pizza and as for thankingiving you will still enjoy it just smaller portions but you won't be the one after the holiday boo hooing about gaining weight!!

Thanks everybody for the support on here!! Suthern_gurl, good luck with surgery in June!! Guess we'll be going thru this together! I wish I would have done this at 25!

I can relate. I just turned 24 this week and i comited the mistake of telling my family.My husband is 100% on my side, he just worries that i will loose too much. My parents are positive but my father who lives in South America is nervous about the "risks". I keep telling myself there r risks to everything and the benifits surpass the risks.My skinny friends and family have their opinions, i just told them that if they were nevative one to please keep them to themselfs cuz right now i need unconditional support!!

Hope you are doing well. MY surgery is sept 30th.. new life.. new jeans here i come!!