I just saw a photo of myself from last summer.....

:thumbs_up: Holy s***! I knew that in 2007, I had reached my all time high weight. I rarely allowed my photo to be taken, and when it was taken, I didn't want to see it. Someone took my photo last summer, then gave me a copy a few weeks later. I vaguely remember seeing it, being shocked at how large I had gotten, and sticking it in a drawer.

This week, my husband found the photo (I don't know how, I purposely stuck in in a drawer that we never use). When he found it, I wasn't home, so he put it back, and told me about it later. He said that he found a picture of me from last summer, and that I now look so much better (down 40 pounds on my 5'3" frame). He said that he doesn't even remember me being that heavy (huh?!?!?). A few nights later, we were having dinner, and he went to the drawer, and took out the photo. He asked if I wanted to see it. I actually was thinking of not looking, because I obviously hated the way I felt at that weight. I took the photo and stared at the back for a few moments. Finally, I turned it over.

No, no, no!!! That cannot be me! Puffy, bloated, distorted....HUGE! How did I let myself go? I pride myself in my looking nice. Not to be vain, but I don't want to "let myself go". I like fashion, beauty and exercise. I subscribe to Self, Elle, Allure, Cooking Light and Glamour magazines, and I read them cover to cover! I could hardly see my green eyes through the distorted features of my face. I felt sad and mad at myself. How many Monday morning diets did I start back then? How many excuses did I make to myself about clothes that didn't fit? Brands that must "run small"? How many times did I stuff my feelings down my throat, rather than face them? Food was my anti-anxiety drug, and my escape from life route. It was the easy was out from the difficulties of life.

I cannot remember what prompted me to get the lap band surgery. I'm sure it was many little things all building up. I only wish I had done it sooner. Of course, all of my problems have not immediately disappeared as the weight is slowly melting away. I still need to learn how to wind down at the end of a stressful day, without a pound of pasta. When my husband and I fight, I am learning to get my feelings out, and discuss them, rather than stuff my feelings down my throat in the form of chips and cookies. It's hard, but I never want to see that girl in the photo again.