2nd Fill

Had it last week. Went much better this time--no chest pain afterwards (probably had a heart attack last time, incidental to the fill, but ignored by me, b/c now i feel fine).

but THEN--i WAS, and AM, REALLY restricted now. this is 2.2 cc's in a 4cc band. i am learning--the slow, hard, sliming, throwing up way--you CANNOT fight with the BAND and WIN!! the BAND wins!!!

if you keep eating after the VERY FIRST SIGNAL that you've had ENOUGH--you're in trouble. the very first signal can be a burp, a hiccup, a runny nose---something....and if you ignore it and keep shoveling food in--you're gonna pay.

i have had to THROW UP more than i ever thought i would feel comfortable with. the food is stuck in my esophagus--never gets to my stomach--so is not acidic--but boy--this is NOT terribly fun. it's bearable though. i am not sorry i had the surgery--i am just a little frustrated that i can't do better, more quickly.

am trying to reverse a LIFETIME of shoveling food into my stomach as fast, and as much, as i can--not an easy task.

finally it has dawned on me--i can only really eat SOLID FOOD--at night. NOT at lunch. stick to soft things at lunch--thank god my office sells 3 diff kinds of au bon pain soup every day--that has been a lifesaver.

and, if i'm hungry after the cafeteria shuts--i can get more soup at the little cafe they keep open til 4:30. so i am lucky. that is a good way to get protein down--and not have to RUN TO THE BATHROOM and THROW UP.

i am seeing what bulimics must see--that it's NOT so hard to throw up --but in my case--not to lose weight--but to stop CHOKING on the food. ugh.

anyway--on the upside--am losing weight!! must be getting enough vitamins and calories in to sustain me--not dying of hunger either. i take a flintstones vitamin (when i remember) and am eating good protein (meat or poultry) vegetables and fruit--and optifast shakes for bfast--those go down easy and i like the taste (blended with ice). i am hardly eating any bread at all. i miss it--mentally--but not the taste or the texture. it's just too hard to deal with if it gets STUCK.

so it goes. next fill--or appt wth dr.--scheduled for april 24. i wonder if they'll fill me up any further--or maybe this is the right level for me.

i continue on my search to know what i can eat, and when, and most important--HOW MUCH. it's a delicate balance.