My surgery date is this friday, and boy is the mental warfare raging. I've never been of normal size...(okay, I was from birth until age 5). So I have a very deep rooted attachment to those foods which give me positive affirmation, feel good hormones bring me pleasure via my tongue, etc. Counseling didn't help, because it's truely an addiction, and I just wonder is this really going to work for me.

I keep trying to imagine what it will be like when I wake up after surgery and the deed is done, and I have my first "mental hunger" for the "feel good" response needed from something sweet. I know there is going to be a lot of tears, a lot of shouting at my husband that I did this for him (which is only half true...I am doing it for me too), a lot of regrets and remorse. But in the end, as the weight drops, I hope to be excited about where my life/body is going.

Sadly I have not fully embraced what is about to happen to me because I'm fearful. Fearful that life without food (large quanities of unhealthy food) won't be as "sweet" as life has been with food.

But let me say that right there is a lie that my subconscious believes, because the more I eat, the worse I feel. The more my body hurts, the lazier I feel, the less I want to do the things that do bring me "feel good" hormones, that last and leave me in a better place than when I started...like the 11 mile bike ride I took this weekend. Hiking to the top of mountains (real ones..ha!) in the Smoky Mtns. Kayaking.

So, for now, I'm clinging to the hope that losing this weight will replace what is currently bringing me pleasure (but leaving me heavier and unhealthier), with something that is lasting and that will help me to live a long, healthy, and most important to me, active life. And I'm so tired of the yo-yo dieting, of the struggle to lose 10 lbs and have one weekend of "fun" and gain it all back...the endless dieting cycles. I do know I am down to 2 options...the surgery, or "let myself go" and ballooning back up to my highest (320) or higher which means giving up the activities I do enjoy. I don't have one single more "just try this diet" in me. Only radical change such as this is going to help me.

Ready or not... here comes the sleeve. I will embrace it...but first it will embrace me