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How About Some Diet Jokes... We All Have Them, Let's Share

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SpecialK1960

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Here are some good diet jokes - send me yours...

 

 

I don't exercise at all. If God had wanted me to touch my toes

He would have put them up higher on my body!

 

 

Time to Diet:

1. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

2. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

3. You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

4. You get a paper cut and gravy comes out

 

 

Wife to her overweight husband: Last night there were two pieces of cake in this pantry and now there is only one. How do you explain that?

Husband: I guess it was so dark that I didn't see the other piece.

 

 

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Bruno and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in weight."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.

"Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

 

I'M ON A 90 DAY WONDER DIET. THUS FAR, I'VE LOST 45 DAYS.

 

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

 

 

Although I thought was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.

Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"

"One," she retorted.

 

 

Love to laugh - hope you do too.

 

 

 

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hi SpecialK1960

i met with a group of "heavier" people saying they gained weight after the birth of their children.

i said me too. "oh how old is your daughter" i said 36 lol

thats my only attempted jokethat i tell sometimes. maybe you have to be there. oh well

not usually read blog - but when i saw you and your blog, i quickly raced over to say hi

kathy

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Kathleen Madigan - a great comedian - tells about her sister gaining weight when pregnant. She had gained 45 pounds. She asked her sister did she think that the baby really weighed that much.... " Sure, honey you are about to have the world's biggest baby. Now put down the donuts...."

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Here are a few more jokes....

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out,

but I can usually shut her up with four or five cupcakes.

You may need to diet when:

1. the back of your neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.

2. You have to iron your pants on the driveway.

3. Your cereal bowl has a lifeguard.

4. Your gym teacher tells you to touch your toes. And you reply, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"

Definition of a bathroom scale: A device that only seems to work correctly when one holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to the left.

My new theory on calories – This actually makes a bit of sense, which scares me terribly. I have redefined the Calorie as: the basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. That is why cake has more calories, because you have to rationalize more. Salads take almost no rationalizing – and contain almost no calories.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my fat to take,

And leave behind a skinny shell,

And all my fat can go to HE…!!!

“No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” — George Bernard Shaw

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon

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