Jill's Pity Party

Last night as we sat down to dinner - me with my half cup of mashed potatoes and fat free refried beans and my husband enjoying the salad, grilled squash, baked potato and burgers made, of course, by me, I proceeded to have a pity party. I mentioned to my husband how crazy it is that three years and roughly $50,000 later( Thank God for insurance!) and I'm only 33 pounds lighter than I was on the day of my surgery. On I ranted about the past year of puking, eating less than 1,000 calories a day, of tracking my WW points and almost never eating my daily allowance...

His response - "You need to exercise more!"

Yes - that's the magic bullet...except that in six months of working out at the "Y" with 30-45 minutes of cardio I lost nothing despite restricting my intake. I haven't been working out much as the problems increased - frankly, on the little I was getting down, I needed a nap just to power through my day. Since I wasn't busting it at the gym, you'd think I'd be packing it on, but no, neither gained nor lost.

Don't ya love it when someone who never had a weight problem and can eat whatever lectures you on what you should do?

Like the waif nutritionist teaching a recent cancer survivors class I took....all of 23 and just out of school, she advised us all to, "Eat more fiber!", "Exercise More!"

What set this off? I know I weigh less - my clothes tell me that, but catching a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and I'm the same tug boat I was at 283 - same puffy toad belly, same cankles. Seems that 65 pound lost should look like something!

Looking for the positive - I have less food related guilt. I no longer eat pizza. I don't buy snacks, candy, ice cream. I don't indulge in "binge" behaviors any more, so I don't have the weight of being "bad" on my shoulders. Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to accept that I did this to myself and will wear this fat mantle until the day I die. Couple this with my mastectomy scarred chest and it's a wonder I ever leave the house!