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Pain, Hurts So Much So Deep

I am a little conflicted right now. Lets start with stats. Started out at 252 lbs on January 18 2012. And as of June 9 2012 I am 194. went from a womens 20/22 to a 12/13, 3XL to a L. I kick a$$ in the gym and own it EVERY time. I am doing great as far as restriction. MY PROBLEM? My marriage. At first sex was great I was feeling sexy I was a lioness and happy and feeling so close to my husband. NOW, I am so sad. sad it hurts. I cry. I feel alone. I AM ALONE! Im never happy and nothing is EVER good enough. I clean with no direction or accomplishment. I am always cleaning and moving and organizing but my house is a dump. I get over whelmed and end up barking at every one. I feel I have no support. I usually am ok when I focus on other things like the kids and the gym. But the moment I start cleaning, I get a lil OCD. Things that didnt bother me or matter before I am now ripping apart and rebuilding. I feel everyone else is excited and proud of me except my husband. I dont even feel like calling him my husband. I want to call him what he is, a room mate. I feel so empty and lonely and its making me out to be a very angry and miserable person.


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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can relate with part of it. I spent the last 15 years of my life doing the busy cleaning, ENDLESSLY, to the point where I felt like I had OCD. Things had to be clean before I went to bed, or went out, or did anything. I always had to be doing something, couldn't relax. My marriage suffered because I felt like I was too busy and had too much to do before I could spend time listening to my husband. It wasn't until I went through the pre-op appointment with the psychologist when she picked up on some childhood trauma that I had been avoiding my whole life. I wasn't OCD, my brain was just insisting on keeping me busy to keep me distracted. I saw a counselor a few times after that to help me remember and accept the trauma, and I can't believe how it changed my life. I forced myself to stop...to breathe, to sit still, to be a better wife (and not by having a sparkling kitchen that he should love, right?!). Since April, my life has been completely different.

It's not always trauma, but stress can cause the same reaction. I never felt stressed but it's because I was so adapted to an extremely high stress level.

Has something changed, something that may be secretly stressing your brain? Also - have you explained to your husband how you feel? I always thought mine just just know because of how I was acting, but most men are not that perceptive. After reading the book "Big White Panties" (funny title, I know, and it's a humerous book) it but gave me great insight to a mans way of thinking.

Sorry you're going through this. I wake up every day now thinking it's going to be a good day, and nothing can set me back. It's amazing what a change of attitude can do for your outlook...but it took me years to get to the point of changing it!

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I'm an "OCD" cleaner, as well. I also have to have everything tidy before I can move on to do something else (go to work, sit down to watch TV, go to bed, etc.). I have always been this way. I have no idea why. My husband just sort of accepts that the OCD house cleaning is just part of me. I have explained to him that I think I do it to cope with stress, feeling like I have some kind of expectations placed on me because I am a working mother, etc. He doesn't understand how cleaning helps with any of that, but at least he knows that it is not personal when I come behind him a dry all the water out of the kitchen sink after he washes his hands! I think he used to think that I expected him to do things like "dry the sink" after washing. Just explaining it to him and letting him know that I am fully aware that the problem is all me helped a lot. Now when he washes his hands right after I have dried out the sink he will at least say "sorry" and sometimes we even have a good laugh as I am drying up all those water spots! I am with the gal that posted above.... just try talking to your husband. He might be more understanding than you think. He just probably is never going to know how you feel unless you tell him, that's all.

Good luck and feel better.

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I don't want to focus on the cleaning but the marriage part. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Have you considered counseling? He has a new person he is married to and he may feel insecure or jealous of the person you have become. I am lucky that my weight loss has helped motivate my already beautful wife to get physically fit. Granted I started at 305 and her at 145 but either way we have taken this journey to health as a family journey. Please feel free to email and talk but I suggest you talk and be open to his feelings too. Good luck, praying for you

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