I really thought I'd be doing this alone. I'm not one to prattle on about my problems and my thoughts. I give everything in my life adequate though, and I make decisions accordingly.

I decided a month ago to have the banding surgery. My surgery date is ... well, in 2.5 hours. I've lost 20lbs pre-op (down from 356 to 336) in 3 weeks. I know I can do this. I'm certain of it. So why am I not sleeping? Why have I had nightmare after nightmare with the central theme of reluctantly having to kill the one thing I love the most (translation- FOOD!).

I gave this a lot of thought, really. I considered a cost/benefit analysis and came up with this answer. But... last minute, I'm terrified.

(Dr appt implied the following)

Pasta is a bad idea... for the rest of my life??

White bread, big fluffy biscuts, and garlic toast are gone forever?

Seriously, wheat pasta??? So much for Olive Garden...

I know these are guidelines, and maitenance is different that losing, so I'll be able to re-introduce my lover (carbs) when I'm at my goal weight... but even then, only in small doses.

And I've been heavy my whole life. I don't even know what I'd look like without excess baggage! I don't know what I'll do. I know I won't change how I dress - you can take the fat out of the girl but you can't take the girl out of the fat (frame of mind). I just don't know who I'd be if I'm not the fat girl at every event. It's scary.

There's the whole "oh, just be yourself" school of thought; but I've been the fat girl. That's been my role. I've worked very hard at pretending it doesn't bother me, at telling people I'd be happy at any size as long as I'm healthy. I lie more to myself than others... so who? Who am I supposed to be?

I have to take my pre-op shower and get on my 'loose fitting clothes' (that statement on my instruction sheet alone makes me wonder if this place 'gets' fat people... what do I wear that tight, besides my bras?) for surgery. Hopefully I'll be out by this afternoon and ready to post again, but I know it could be days. I tend to be a big baby when it comes to pain.

I certainly don't feel like everyone else. I refused banding for so long. On my father's side of the family (the side I grew up a part of), something like this is considered giving up and letting your weakness win. Of course, these are the same people who believe alcoholism is a choice, not a disease.

I got through surgery fine. I had a huge hiatal hernia that had to be repaired, and the band went in with 4cc of fluid. I have bruises and slices and PAIN. I knew there would be pain, but... seriously? The pain from the cuts aren't too bad, but the air they push into you in order to see better may kill me. I'm told it should be gone by tomorrow or the next day.

*Post - Op*

I haven't had time to fully process the fact that this is done. I went into this quickly, as I said before, and so to be at the finish/starting line is a little intimidating. My doctor told me today that if I lost 22lbs in 3 weeks of pre-op dieting, my weight loss over the next 6 months is going to be dramatic. I hope so... I just promise my husband(who works in Afghanistan) a long hike when he comes home on break in March!

I'm about to head to bed... but I know ppl who think this is easy are NUTS. I've had nightmares for weeks... food is my ally... but I have to give it up. And not just a little... but some thing forever--like soda.

I'm hoping for 4 days--or 1. Ugh. This pain is absolutely the worst. Worst than gallstones passing. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Posted on forum yesterday*

Oh yes, I had nightmares too. I didn't share them with anyone because I didn't want to worry my family. My nightmare was during surgery, something going wrong and having an out of body experience. I too thought about how bad the pain would be after surgery. You know...I think its better to expect the worst because it really isn't too bad. Just take it easy after surgery. As far as the food goes, I feel ya about not eating certain foods anymore. But let me tell you that anything with bread consistency will give you a "stuck" feeling and it's uncomfortable. So, when I look at a fluffy biscuit now I associate it with pain! Take your time with the different stages, this is your time to get used to your band. It's a great time. Congratulations on getting your band!! So exciting! Wishing you a fast recovery!

I actually had these dreams where I had to kill for food for my 'tribe'. The analysis was that I was killing the one thing I love (FOOD) for the sake of my health. The dreams were seriously disturbing.