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Thoughts, Feelings, Ideas, Fears

Entries in this blog

 

2nd Day Smoke Free

Okay, so far so good. I've had some pretty harsh cravings, but haven't given in. As the craving hits, I just try to pretend that I'm on a surf board, and try to "ride the wave" all the way in. I know that the physical cravings only last 2-4 days, and there after it's all psychological. I quit before (cold turkey), and I can do it again. This is what I get for picking up a cigarette after being smoke free for 3 1/2 yrs. But this is what I must do in order to be banded. Not to mention the fact that it's great for my over all health.   My office is offering free workout classes twice a week. At 5:15 on Monday's and Thursdays. I'm going to go. I think it will help me through this. Not to mention it will help me physically.   My husband is very patient with me, and is being a huge source of support.
angelburch

angelburch

4
 

2nd Day of Liquids

Today started out great. I felt great, everything was fine, until about 1pm. Suddenly my energy bottomed out and I felt a little funny. Also, I had a nicotine craving so huge it scared me. I hadn't had one that strong in a long time. I called the Dr's office and they said it would be fine for me to wear nicotine patch if I felt I needed it, it wouldn't interfere with my scheduled surgery for next Wed.   So, today's stats: Weight 278.4 (down about 1.4lbs) Isopure Protein drink (40g protein) 2 low-carb Slim fast (40g protein) 2 cafe latte's (non-fat) (14g protein) Won-Ton soup - minus the wonton noodle Sugarfree Jello water water water water   I'm sure the tiredness is normal, and is because of the lowered caloric intake. I've been told that it will improve in a couple of days. I really hope so! It's been almost 2 years since I felt this tired. That was back when I was having major thyroid issues.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

Patches are a Miracle

I got the nicotine patch and started wearing it today. NO CRAVINGS!!!!:clap2: Today has been very easy with no desire to smoke. I just hope that it will continue throughout the next few weeks. My DH sat down with me to eat, and he cut his food up into teeny tiny pieces, and ate very slowly and took his time. He did this with me so he could learn what my eating habits are going to be like. He has read everything I've brought to him, and has asked a lot of questions. He's being very supportive.   I see the nutritionist and get the results of my psych eval next Tuesday. I will work on my letter to BCBS this weekend. Hopefully next week, I too will have my paperwork submitted to the insurance compamy.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

6th Day Clear Liquids

Today was so much better than yesterday. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I was so glad to be at work on Monday. Being on clear liquids on the weekends, without much to do just flat out sucks :faint:   Well, only 36 hours left to go, and then I will be in surgery. What are my fears? -- My fears aren't of the actual surgery, it's of the "great unknown" afterwards. Each person's experience is so varied, that it is impossible for me to predict how mine will feel. Will I have a lot of gas pain in the shoulder? Will the gas pain be in my shoulder blades or back? Will I have very much gas pain? Where will my port be and how long before I can sleep on my tummy? I'm a tummy sleeper and I don't think I'll be able to sleep very good until I can roll onto my tummy. What if I don't have any restriction, what if I have too much restriction and can't eat. What if I can't figure out how to use the band? What if What if What if.   Being the type of person where any action is better than no action, this is probably going to be the worst part for me. Waiting for the surgery, waiting to heal, waiting to figure this all out. Waiting for my new life to begin. After 3 months of anticipation, what will take it's place once this is done? Questions, Questions.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

One Week Anniversary!

Today I have been smoke free for one week! No cheating . . . not even once. I will admit that I feel better. My DH and I went for a walk this morning (with the puppies) and I didn't wheeze as much as I have in the past! One week down and a lifetime to go!   I completed my letter to BCBS for my surgery. I will send it to the Doctor's office Monday morning. After that, the only thing left to do is to see the psychologist for my results, and the nutritionist (all at the same time) on Tuesday. Hopefully the Doctor's office will send all my info to the insurance company before Thanksgiving. I hope it only takes a week or two to get approved. If so, then I can have the surgery prior to Christmas. That would be the ultimate Christmas gift! :clap2:
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

Sugery!

I am going to schedule my surgery for January 10th (hooray). I will call Dr. Jay's office tomorrow and set it all up.   Tomorrow my BFF is having her surgery, and she's never had surgery before. She's very nervous and scared, but I know once it's over, she'll be so glad and relieved. This is her first step to showing the world who she really is. Hugs and Kisses !!!!:clap2:   We've finished our Christmas shopping, so tonight will be nothing but wrapping presents (yuk). I love to buy and give presents, but I really hate wrapping them.   I'm still smoke free, and it's mostly easy now. Not to say that there aren't days when the cravings hit especially hard. However, I can honestly say that this is something that I am most proud of.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

Decision Made

After many days/weeks of reviewing this website, I have finally decided to to do. I called the Bariatric Surgery Center (at UT Southwester in Dallas) on Friday (10/27) to make an appointment. They asked me if I were interested in the by-pass or the lap band. I told them that I was interested in both. They are supposed to call me back next week for my first appointment.:drum: I have be trying to decide which surgery is the best option for me. Then yesterday, my best friend, Steph (who is considering the same thing) told me about a lady at our office who had recently been banded. She had it on a Thursday, and was back on work the following Monday. Our insurance paid for it, even though she doesn't have very many health issues (other than being over 100lbs and a high BMI (38). Steph and I spent all day Saturday shopping and talking about the surgery. Her husband is getting the by-pass surgery. While I like the idea of the by-pass surgery (quicker weight loss), I don't like the idea of it being permanent. Also, I've heard that if you develop stomach cancer, they can't scope you with a by-pass surgery.   My fears are that once banded, what if there are complications? Slippage, erosions, leakage. Will I know when that happens? What if I over eat, or eat too fast (while in public) and start throwing up, or whatever?   I'm so sick and tired of being fat. I've been seriously overweight since I was 22. At my current age of 44 I know that I have a very small window left to lose weight before I start seeing some serious long term health consequences. Currently, my health issues are relatively small, and are weight related. Joint pain, border-line diabetes, snooring, and a general feeling of just not feeling good.   Bottom line - I've decided to go with the lap-band. I will update as soon as I hear back from the Doctor's office.
angelburch

angelburch

3
 

Just Stuff

Okay . . . so it's been a few days since I posted. I am very happy that I am 26 days smoke free :clap2: (with one slip last night due to a car accident). The urges are hitting less often, but when they do, they're a lot stronger than they've been the last few days. I dropped down to a 7mg patch. Maybe I need to go back to the 14 for a few days. Better yet, I'll just give this a few more days and see what happens.   Last night I was in a car accident. A female driver broadsided me, and did a tremendous amount of damage to the entire driver's side of my beautiful 2004 Nissan Maxima (I LOVE that car -- she's beautiful). I was so angry about it, and today when I took it to the repair place, I looked at it again and just burst into tears.   I called the insurance company and they said that they received the information on 11/28, and they take 10 business days to review it, so by next Tuesday I should know if I'm approved. I also found out that Dr. Jay requires a current EKG, so I have one scheduled with my family Doctor for the 15th.   I used to hear people talk about all the steps that they had to go through to get approved for WLS, and I thought "Man, that's too much for me to do, I would get lost in the whole process". Now that I'm almost done, I realize that it's not quite as bad as I thought. Besides, with this website, there is plenty of things to research and plenty of people to read about, and their experiences. So, all in all, it's not been nearly as confusing as I thought it would be.   We are driving tomorrow to Lubbock to see my DH's Dad. He is very ill, and not expected to live long. While we are there, we will visit Texas Tech (DH is alumni), and see all the Christmas lights. I am looking forward to that. I love Christmas lights and decorations.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

3rd Day of Liquids

The hardest part so far is getting through the 2nd day (ha-ha). Today has been good so far. I'm beginning to feel better, and my energy is better. Luckily, only 1 or 2 nicotine twinges, but so far, so good.   Today's Stats: Weight: 274.4 (down 4 lbs!) Cinnamon Dulce Latte (non-fat) 12g protein Won-ton soup (????) Chicken Broth Crystal Light (pink lemonade) - very tart :guess IsoPure protein drink (40g protein) 2 Low-Carb Slim fast (40f protein) Cherry popsicle Water, Water, Water   It's hard to believe that I'm only 4 days away from Surgery! :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: I think that now, I'm beginning to really think this is going to happen, and I can't find the words to express how happy that makes me.   I know that I will look back on this journal and it will help me through the next several months. Isn't that the point of doing this?
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Insurance

I'm approved !:clap2: BCBS of Minnesota called me yesterday to tell me that I was approved. Then within 15 minutes, Ricardo from Dr. Jay's office called me and said that the insurance company had already called him. I can schedule my surgery now!!!!!!!
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

4th Day of Liquids

Saturday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My DH and I worked most of the day taking down and putting away all the Christmas decorations, both inside and out. DH says we don't have a single inch of spare room in the storage shed, not for even a single Christmas bulb :biggrin1: . But staying busy really helped.   Later in the day we went to see two movies, "We Are Marshall", and "Pursuit of Happyness". Both were good movies, although I liked We Are Marshall just a tiny bit more than the other one. The movies were really hard because it was 5 hours with nothing but one bottle of water. Even though I wasn't really hungry -- it was all in my head. I think that must be the "head hunger" that I've read so much about.   One of the ladies at my office had LPS back in September and she had brought me some chicken bouillon to try and I thought it was the best tasting thing ever (after 2 days of clear liquids :biggrin1: ). She said she would bring more to the office, but she had forgotten to, so she put it in my mailbox at home. Thank Goodness she lives fairly close. She also added Beef Bouillon too . . . they were very very good. They may be the only things that keep me on this for another 2 days. After the surgery, I'm not too worried about cheating, as the fear will keep me on the straight and narrow. Fear of causing a a problem with the band while healing.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

5th Day of Liquids

You'd think by now that I would be okay . . . but NO, I'm not. I am truly hungry -- head hunger -- but still incredibly hungry. I have less than 72 hours to go, and I know I'll make it, but OH MY GOD, this is hard. And another thing, I'm on my period . . . Yep, started it full blown, and it ain't helping my hunger any!! Chocolate, Meat, cheese, mexican food, italian, whatever!!!!! PMS on a clear liquid diet . . . welcome to my HELL.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Tomorrow's The Day

In about 12 hours from now, I'll be rolling into the operating room. Yes, I am scared. I am scared now about the surgery. I KNOW I will be alright, but still, it's a fear I wasn't really expecting. However, I know a lot of people will be praying for me, and I'll try to update everyone as soon as I can. I am also EXCITED, as I am 12 hours away from ending all these years of being obese. As of tomorrow, I will be on my way to being healthier, slimmer, trimmer, SEXIER me.   I spoke with the Pre-op Nurse today, and the anesthesiologist is supposed to call me later tonight. I am anxious to speak to him.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Good Stuff!

Today I am smoke free for 10 days (HOORAY :clap2: ). It's not been easy, that's for sure! But I'm really proud of that accomplishment.   Last night I went for my very first Yoga class. It's a type of Yoga called "Vinyasa" - or also known as "hot yoga". The room is extremely hot, and you really sweat a lot. It was amazing! I will continue to go, even though I can't do half of the stuff, I know that eventually I will be able to. Everyone in the class (including the extremely skinny, inhumanly flexible young chick) said I did great for my first time. I know that for my exercise, working out at a gym won't work for me, and walking is "OK", but I really believe that this Yoga thing could really turn out to be something extraordinary.   Also, saw the psychologist and had a consult with the Nutritionist today, so all my "requirements" by the insurance company have been met, and Ricardo at Dr. J's office said they would be able to submit everything to the Insurance Company tomorrow:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: !!!!!!   It's a good day!
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

In My Dreams

1. I can cross my legs at the knees comfortably 2. I can wear sleeveless shirts with confidence 3. I can sit at a movie theatre and not have my hips "oozing" into the people on either side 4. I can fly on a plane without the people on either side of me being uncomfortable 5. I can tie my shoes while sitting down and not have to hold my breath 6. I can shop in the "regular" size clothing stores/sizes 7. My BMI will go from 44.5 down to the mid 20's 8. That when my husband hugs me, my stomach won't be in the way 9. That I can look at myself in the mirror and not feel shame 10. That I can go out in public with my head held high and feel that the people I'm with aren't embarassed by me 11. That I can have sex with my husband and feel sexy
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Day 2 of Banding

Today has gone well. I went to Wal-Mart with Hubby, and then home for a nap, and then went to pick up my car (long story). Got back home and have rested, walked, rested, and walked. Not really hungry, but taking in water and was able to get down a creamy chicken soup at hand. Don't feel any restriction, or gurgling. Just taking it nice and slow. I will continue to focus these next 6 weeks on healing, and then start focusing on using the band.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Chili . . . .YUM!!!

Tonight I made chili for my DH and I. I used the recipe that the nutrionist gave me because it has LOTS of protein in it and actually is very simple and quick (NOTE: I am not big on home-cooking, and usually only fix things that have minimal ingredients and require very little time. But I am going to have to get over that once I have my surgery):   1lb lean ground turkey (browned and then drain and rinse meat) 2 10 oz cans Ro-Tel Tomatoes (being from Texas, we like things spicy:) 1 14.5 oz can Diced Tomatoes 1 15.5 oz can Dark Red Kidney Beans (rinsed) 1 package McCormick Chili Seasoning   I let it simmer for about an hour, and man is it good! Add a little cheese, whatever "floats your boat" for toppings.   As I learn new things, I am going to post the one's I like best in my journal so I won't lose the recipe:clap2: .   I'm almost through Day 13 of not smoking:paranoid and still doing okay. I just wish these darn cravings would go away! I am tired of thinking about a smoke (just one, I promise). But I haven't fed the beast yet. Hopefully it will starve, shrivel up and die soon.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Goodbye 80's and 70's

Well, I'm down 20lbs as of this morning!:clap2: I have said goodbye to the 280's and the 270's. I weighed this morning and it said 261. Just another week or so and I can say goodbye to the 260's. My clothes are starting to get loose. I love that I can take my jeans out of the dryer and put them on and not have to suck in my tummy or jump up and down trying to get them on. Also, I can now tie my tennis shoes without standing up! I know that I will have made it when I can sit on the bed and bend my knee to bring my foot up on the bed and tie them then. That's what I'm waiting for!   I'm still on mushies until Wednesday. I did have a slice of smoked turkey breast yesterday (shaved slice), and it tasted so strange. I had my DH try it and he said it tasted normal. I guess my taste buds have changed since all I've had is liquids and creamy and mushies. So, what do I want to eat for my very first "real food"? I have no idea. I'm a little bit nervous about eating regular food (Is that normal?), but I have no restriction so far. My first fill is on 2/21, and maybe then I'll feel restriction. My band holds 5cc's so hopefully it won't take very many fills to know what restriction is. I'm looking forward to it.   I was home sick yesterday with sinus problems, sore throat, and didn't want to risk making anyone else at work sick. There are several there that already have this, and they don't have a problem with sharing their germs. I have been taking Advil Sinus and Cold medicine, and don't have to cut the pills in half. Once I get a fill, I'm sure that I will need to do that.   My DH has been so patient and so supportive that tonight I'm cooking salmon for dinner. I'm going to spray it with Olive Oil, but some sliced Roma Tomatoes on it, and some fresh Rosemary, wrap it in foil and bake. He's eaten out at fast food restaurants ever since this started, so he wouldn't eat in front of me. He feels self-conscious doing that, even though I've told him it's not a problem.   My BFF DH is getting lapband on Thursday and has already lost 16lbs! :clap2: I am so happy for him. Of all of us, he will probably benefit healthwise the most. He's on a insulin pump and takes a lot of other medication, so it will be great to have him healthy! I owe a lot to my BFF and her DH. Without them, I wouldn't have had the courage to do this. They are such a blessing! We tell people that we are family by choice. You can't choose your family, but you can your friends . . . but they're more than friends. Thank GOD for them.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Day 5 PostOp

I weighed this morning and was down 10lbs. As of 2 days ago I was only down 6lbs. So that's 4lbs in 2 days. I'm not sure I'm okay with that, but it would seem that I don't have a lot of choice in the matter. I'm feeling really good today. I am working on trying to walk with my shoulder's back. For some reason, when I do that I get weird hiccups. They're a little painful, but I'm sure it's my muscles having a little spasm or something. I will also finish up the laundry.   What to say about food. I am not hungry, but when I do eat (drink - still on liquids), I have no restriction what so ever. I can drink as much as I want. I have tried various different soups, and pureed them in the blender. I'm not a smoothie person since I'm not a fan of cold drinks or the texture's of them. I drink Isopure Protein drinks (they're clear), for my protein rather than a shake. Once this weather clears out (icy roads), I'm going to the Vitamin Shoppe to talk to them about a protein powder that I can use to help.   Today was the first day that I didn't wake up at 4am with my tummy gurgling and making odd noises. I actually slept until 5:30! I go back to work tomorrow (thank God), and hopefully will have a good day.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Thank Goodness It's Over !

As much as I love Christmas, thank goodness it's over. Normally I would be very sad about that, but this year is different. The reason is, I got my surgery scheduled for January 10th at 7:15am -- yep, first one in that day:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: !!!!! This means that I am that much closer to starting my 7 day clear liquid pre-op diet. Normally, that would make me depressed, and I know it's going to be one of the toughest things I've ever done (probably 2nd on the list -- right below quitting smoking), but that means that I'm just that much closer to my band!   We had all the family over for Christmas and it was great. Great food, Great gifts, but most importantly, all the people that I love were all gathered here at the house.   My BFF has lost 22lbs since she started her liquid diet, and then had her sugery. In less than 2 weeks, 22lbs. That's a lot of weight, and I am so incredibly proud of, and happy for her. I know that she will be a great role model and success story! It will be great to be on this journey together!   Now, the depressing part . . . having to clean up after Christmas and family. I really hate taking out all this trash, and taking down the decorations. It makes me sad :cry . But at the same time, I'm glad to know it's over and that next Christmas I will be healthier and a lot slimmer! Well, I am going to go do 30 minutes on my treadmill. Talk to you later!
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

Monday - Oct 30

Today, my friend Steph called the Plano Surgery Center, and they've already set up her 1st appt for this Wednesday at 2pm. I am soooo excited for her. I had called the UT Bariatric Center last Friday, and they said they would call me this week to set my appt. If they don't call this week (or they set my appt out in to December), I am going to call the same place Steph did. I have already met all my deductibles for this year, and would like to get banded this year.
angelburch

angelburch

2
 

TGIF

Today is my last day smoking. I find that I am actually looking forward to the day ending so I can start the "non smoking" part. I have only 6 cigarettes left, and once they are gone, that's it.   My BF is out of town on business, and I miss having her to talk with about this process. She's working on getting Banded too.   However, another lady at my office talked with me about today, and she has an appt with Dr. J next week. She says that since she has decided to do this, it's all she can think about, that she's obsessing about it. I told her I felt the same way. It's like the LBand is the "Holy Grail", and I think about it all the time, and dream about it. I'm sure this is common (I hope), and probably once someone reaches that decision, that's all they can think about.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

1st Day of Liquids

Hooray! Today was my first day of clear liquids. Just 6 more to go before my surgery :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: I had my pre-op with Dr. J today. It's the first time I met him. I absolutely love him!!!! He said that I was very healthy and thought the surgery should be easy for me. I also got my pre-op instructions, and was told I would receive a call the night before surgery to go over final instructions. I asked Dr J about my being on synthroid. Since I had my thyroid removed in May of 2005, would that affect my ability to lose weight in a satisfactory time. He said no, as long as I continue my follow ups every 2 months with my endocrinologist, they would make the adjustments to my synthroid as needed. His experience with patients who have thyroid conditions is that their metabolism speeds up after the surgery due to the weight loss and watching what is eaten.   So here are my stats: Day 1 of liquids: Beginning weight - 279.8 (my scale - which is in sync with the Doctors) 2 Chai Lattes (non-fat) Sugar Free Jello 1 White Mocha from Starbucks - non-fat (too much fat, won't do that again :embarassed: -- 6g of fat, but 20g of protein) 2 cups fat-free low-sodium chicken broth 2 low carb slim fast (chocolate) total of 40g of protein Isopure Passion Fruit zero-carb drink (40g protein) Flinstone chewable vitamin B12 vitamin - melts under the tongue Water, Water, Water . . . Oh yeah, more water So that puts me at 100g of protein. I will have to watch that tomorrow.   So far, so good, not really hungry or craving anything . . . yet! Before bedtime tonight, I'm going to drink some skim milk, so hopefully that will help in case I wake up hungry during the night.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Back Home

So we're back home after spending the weekend in Lubbock with my in-laws. It was good seeing them again, but they just mainly sit around and do nothing, so the urge to smoke was huge. However, I maintained. Just glad to be home.
angelburch

angelburch

1
 

Toughest Day So Far!

The cravings are hitting really hard. Especially this afternoon. The is by far the hardest it's been. I can't believe how stupid I was to pick up the stupid cigarette, after being smoke free for so long! Stupid stupid stupid!   But this is the first step to getting my band. Dr. Jay won't do the surgery unless I am smoke free for at least 14 days, so this is part of it. I figure if I can get through the next 10 days I should be okay.   I go for my psych evaluation tomorrow at 1:30, and they called me today at 4pm and I have to say, that when I heard their voice, my heart stopped. I was so afraid that they were wanting to reschedule. All I could think of was if they want to reschedule, I'm going to crawl under my desk and cry. Thankfully, they were just confirming.:clap2: I am really excited about tomorrow! Then I just have the meeting with the nutrionist, and then the only thing that I need to complete before they can send the request to my insurance company is a letter from me. I am really lowsy at writing letters. I will have to look through this website to see if I can find copies of "suggested" letters.
angelburch

angelburch

1
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