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Struggling....

Happy New Year all! Thank goodness Christmas is over. Instead of the normal x-mas stress, I had extra with this stupid feud with my sister. She refuses to speak to me, so we had to have seperate Christmases with our parents. Isn't that unbelievable?? I found it quite depressing. She got Christmas eve, so I took my hubby and kids to dinner and a movie. We actually had a really good time! That afternoon, hubby, my Dad and I bowled in a tournament. (I beat the boys! LOL!) It ended up being a pretty good day. Christmas day my folks came over to my house, and we opened gifts, ate xmas dinner and had a really nice day. It wasn't the same, but in some ways, I enjoyed it more. This whole issue w/ my sister has brought alot of issues to the forefront. My surgeon suggested that I see a psychologist. I don't know that it helps, but I know I need to do something. I've caught myself several times heading to the cabinets for a snack, when I am not hungry. Stuffing my emotions again. And my weight loss has stalled. I have hit the biggest plateau. I know it's mental. And not doing the things I need to do to take care of myself. Everyday I have to try my hardest to get my protein in, exercise, eat enough of the right things. I'm just so.... mad. Or sad. Probably both. I need to find a way to get back to that space where I was so hopeful, and felt good about myself. I felt like I could actually reach my goal, and that I deserved it! Somehow, that feeling got taken away by all this negativity and drama. And I miss it!!
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

2
 

An open letter to someone I love very much, but who hurts me very much....

First, I must say this: I love my family with all my heart, but a select few are driving me completely insane! It hit me yesterday, that FEELING is not allowed in my family. Voicing your feelings is not tolerated. And I can't live my life like this anymore. I refuse to raise my children that way. Depression is anger turned inward. And if you don't discuss your feelings you stuff them, with food, alcohol, etc. I CANNOT DO THAT ANY LONGER! I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANY LONGER! I just end up hurting myself. I chose to have this surgery and change my life for ME! If you love me, then be happy for me and support me. Don't blackmail me emotionally. Don't lay someone else's shit sandwich in my lap. If someone else is depressed or unhappy, that person should DO something about it. It's NOT my fault if someone is upset and too depressed to go to work. Tell THEM to put THIER big girl panties on!! Cuz honey, I've had my big girl panties on for A LONG time. I am dealing with my issues. I am trying to become a better person. I am not crying to my Mommy and blaming others for my unhappiness. I OWN my issues. They are on ME! And don't emotionally blackmail my children when they express their feelings and those feelings upset you. YOU are the adult. Shame on you! SHAME ON YOU! It is only natural for a child to protect his parent. God knows I've tried to protect mine. Even when they probably didn't deserve it. But to not only negate their feelings, and then threaten them emotionally! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!! That hurts me more than any of the bullshit that has been thrown at me the last year. All of it put together, doesn't hurt as much as when my son told me how he was treated last night. By his own grandparent. I still can't believe it. If you only knew how much you hurt him. And me. I know you want to live your life with your head in the sand and pretend everything is a-okay. Fine. You do that. But don't expect me to. And don't expect me to raise my children that way! I don't want them to wake up twenty years from now, full of self-loathing, and stuffing every feeling because they can't express them. Been there, done that, and it SUCKS! I just realized it's okay to take care of me. People actually DO THAT. Take care of themselves. And it's NOT selfish!! WHO KNEW!? All my life I have been terrified of being a selfish person. So I give till I have nothing left to give. And I wonder why I am empty? Cuz I gave it all away! Someday I hope it is okay to have my wishes respected. I really do. I think that would feel good. I remember when I told you I was going to have this surgery. I SPECIFICALLY asked you NOT to tell my sister. I hadn't decided if I wanted to tell her or not. Even then I had an inkling that she would not be supportive and that my decision would be a problem for her. But you told her. Thanks so much. I also tried to explain to you over Christmas that I needed to keep the negative people at arms length. To take care of me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable. Then you turn around and tell me I need to go talk to her. Practically blame her depression on ME! Thanks for throwing that steaming sack of shit in my lap. Totally appreciate that. And last night, when you thanked me for doing what you asked.... do you know how that made me feel? Like all was right with the world, because Jennifer was happy, and that was all that mattered. You didn't even notice that I was crying. That my eyes were swollen from crying all afternoon. That shows me exactly where I stand. Thank you for that too. You probably didn't notice that I was drinking for the first time in three months either. Or that I was five seconds away from bumming a cigarette off the grumpy guy. After 16 months of being smoke-free, I was completely ready to throw all that hard work out the window. Hello self-sabotage!!! My old friend! But I didn't. I guess I had my big girl panties on after all. Huh, Mom?
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

5
 

I am gall-bladder free!

Well, I am now two weeks post-op. Gall bladder is outta there! Surgery was a piece of cake. Ooooh, cake. Sounds yummy! Anyway, two more weeks until I can get back to my regular exercise routine. I can't wait. I have five lbs to go until I hit Onederland!!!!! I am soooo looking forward to that milestone!! My reward is going to be purchasing a pair of 501 Levi's for the first time in, oh, twenty YEARS! LOL! Recently, I heard through the grapevine that my sister thinks my WLS is "cheating." It's not like we are the closest of siblings or anything, but to hear that from her, of all people, killed me. She knows what it is like to be morbidly obese, and to try to diet, and fail over and over again. She hasn't remarked to my face at all about my weight loss, negative or positive. But behind my back she tells everyone I am cheating. I have changed so much in the last eight months. Not just the weight loss, but I quit smoking, I quit drinking, and I quit drinking diet soda. I changed habits and my viewpoint. I've worked so hard for the new and improving "me" and for her to say such a nasty thing, breaks my heart!!!
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

3
 

Mini-Goal!!!!

I went in for my first fill Wednesday. I had this goal of losing 30 lbs by my first fill. I stepped on the scale, and I had lost 24. I made a COMPLETE fool of myself. I was so disappointed, that by the time they sat me in the little room, I was in tears. My dh was trying to calm me down when my doctor walked in. He was baffled at my reaction. It was cute, he got this really stern look on his face, and asked me if I was supposed to worry about losing weight the first 4 weeks after surgery?? I admitted, I wasn't. Then he told me the fact that I had lost 24lbs with no restriction, all on my own was phenominal. He actually used the word "phenominal." I was blown away.... and felt like a shmuck. The fill itself was uncomfortable, but not even half as bad as I thought it would be. I've been on liquids and mushies for the past few days. I haven't been able to eat much at all. I decided to get on the scale this morning, and was I shocked! I am only 2 lbs away from my 30lb goal. BUT my BMI is below 40!! This was another mini-goal. To get my BMI below 40, finally. It feels so awesome to meet a goal!! This goal, any goal! It's been way too long since I took a risk and worked my butt off to get something. Time to work out! :sneaky:
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

3
 

Four days to go!

Insomnia rears its ugly head. I was wondering when my old friend would show up. I can't believe how quickly the surgery is approaching. Four more days and I will be in the operating room. I have these moments of pure terror and other moments where I feel nothing but calm. Yesterday morning I went to St. Mary's Hospital to get all my pre-admission testing done. I haven't been to that hospital since 1992, when my Grandmother passed away. When Mom & I walked through the corridors it struck me how absolutely nothing had changed since that day. Even the plants in the waiting rooms were the same. I broke down crying, it brought that horrible day back so vividly. While we were sitting waiting for my tests to be done I realized something HAD changed. ME. And certainly not for the better. Suddenly, I wasn't as scared or embarrassed. I actually felt something close to relief. Maybe even pride. I was relieved to finally be doing something about my weight and my health. I was finally putting ME first. And I was kind of proud that I was taking this very brave step! What a strange sensation! By the time I was done with all the tests and paperwork, and we were walking out of the hospital, I felt so good. It was as if my Grandmother was all around me and letting me know everything would be ok. Or maybe it was just me taking the first step to finally loving myself. Either way it felt good. But of course, I still have the pre-op jitters. Hence my 4 am blog. :cheatfree:
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

6
 

Twilight Zone

Okay, for the last three weeks, things have just been strange. After my last appointment, I immediately gained some weight. Which, of course, bummed me OUT. I had no restriction, and was going on willpower, which always wavers when I am depressed. So, I've been gaining and losing the same five pounds for 3 weeks. But, strangely, my afternoon meal, always comes up after just a few bites. Evening meal, I feel no restriction, and can eat more than I think I should be able to. And certainly more than I can eat at noon! Makes no sense to me. My daughter graduates from high school this Wednesday. I have been fighting the urge to go to bed and throw the covers over my head for awhile. I can't believe she is so grown up! So, my emotions have been on a rollercoaster with that. Plus I am planning a big party for her this weekend. BUSY! Anyway, I had this goal in my head when I had the surgery. I was told it was pretty unrealistic, but peole say I am kind of stubborn. :tt2: I wanted to lose fifty pounds by graduation. As the months have gone by, I worried I wouldn't be able to do it. This a.m. I stepped on the scale, only hoping to NOT have gained, and VIOLA! I am ONE pound away from meeting my goal. I have until Wednesday to lose this stinking pound!! I am reaaaally excited to do it!! I am working my backside off to do it! :smile2:
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

2
 

I did it!

I finally moved into band-land!:frown: Monday I was scheduled for surgery at 1:30p. My hubby woke me up Monday morning around 8 and told me the hospital had had a cancellation, and wanted me to come in asap! YIKES! I showered and dressed and we headed to the hospital. It took me about 15 minutes to check in and suddenly I was in pre-op getting gowned and IV'ed. It was around 10 am. My potassium was perfect, so I knew it was a "go." I suddenly got really nervous! LOL!Twenty minutes later, I was prepped and the anesthesiologist was giving me this fantabulous little cocktail in my I.V. I remember waving goodbye to my Mom & Hubby and being wheeled away. The only thing I remember about the OR is being wheeled in, seeing a bunch of people standing around and cheering for me. My surgeon spoke to me, but I have no idea what he said! I vaguely remember moving onto the operating table, them strapping down my arms and a big mask being placed on my face. Next thing I remember is a nurse trying to wake me up in the recovery room. I remember exactly five seconds of that! Whee! I woke up in my own private room with my Mom & Hubby by my side around 11: 30. I don't remember much pain. But I do remember begging for ice. I have never been so thirsty in my life!! That whole afternoon is kind of a blur. But I do remember them getting me up to walk shortly after my kids got there, around 3. That was not pleasant. But the more I got up to walk that afternoon, the easier it became. Around six I told my hubby to take the kids to eat and get them home so they could do their homework. I figured I would be able to sleep, as I was really tired. But, I forgot, sleep isn't easy in a hospital! LOL! They brought me dinner and I wasn't really that hungry, but I ate some jell-o. I was mostly interested in liquids. My throat was really sore from the surgery. I got up about three times to walk. Each time I walked a little further, and my nurse was teasing me about trying to keep up. Around 11 my chest was feeling really heavy from what I assumed was the gas they used during surgery. I was having problems taking a deep breath. The nurse called my doc and he ordered an EKG, bloodwork and a chest x-ray to rule out heart attack. (really? Heart attack??) I complained that the pain wasn't that bad, but I guess my doc likes to be uber-thorough. So there I was at 2 in the morning laying on a gurney outside the x-ray room, pain meds worn off , and wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. Once I got back into my room, I got my pain meds and felt much better. I was even able to sleep about an hour before the nurse came back for another round of vitals. My blood pressure had been really low all evening so they stopped the IV for awhile to get it back up. Around five in the morning I was able to sleep for about two hours. And then my doc came in, told me my tests from the night before were all perfect. He checked my incisions and said they looked great. Strangely I've only felt pain from one incision. If it weren't for that I would have felt perfectly fine. I assumed that was the port location. NOPE! He told me where my port was and I hadn't even known there was an incision there!! LOL! So, by 8am he was writing up my discharge paperwork! Hubby showed up a little later and I was able to pack up and head home! Other than my puppies wanting to jump on my tummy, it has been pretty smooth sailing. I've been able to enjoy some yummy homemade broth my Mom made me, a few yummy sugar free popsicles and jell-o. I've been walking and moving as much as I can. I still have quite a bit of discomfort, but nothing the pain pills can't take care of. My plan today is to get in a shower and a longer walk outside. And hopefully a nap! LOL! I must say I am quite excited to start my new life!!:confused:
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

6
 

OOPS! My bad......

Okay, three weeks ago I got my second fill. I had 2 cc's added to my band. The last three weeks have been rough. Almost everything I've eaten has come right back up. At first I thought that maybe it would get better after a few days. Then I started eating only about 3-4 bites each meal, and I would usually be okay. I just got used to not being able to eat. And it didn't hurt that the scale was quickly moving downward! Yes, I knew I had too much restriction. Yes, I knew I wasn't getting proper nutrition. And yes, the reason I didn't call my doctor was because I was obsessed with losing as much as I could before my next appointment, because I KNEW the doctor would take out some fill. So, today was the day. I got up on the scale at the doctor's office and I had lost SIXTEEN pounds in three weeks. The nurse TRIPLE checked my weight she was so shocked. :thumbup: As I sat in the little patient room, alone, I started running through excuses, and trying to come up with a reason for him not to remove some fluid. Yea, I had nothing. I didn't sit very long before he rushed in and asked me if I was alright. He had this panicked look on his face, so right there I knew I was going to lose some fill. I explained that I hadn't been able to eat very much, without lots of discomfort and the extremely pleasant vomiting. He of course, wanted to know why I hadn't called him, and I gave him the lame, "I didn't want to bother you," excuse. He told me I had basically lost all the weight because of malnutrition and possibly dehydration. He explained that all the vomiting could have led to band slippage or pouch distention and other horrible things. He told me I should never lose more than 2-3 pounds a week, and that this process can take years. And they want us to be healthy as we lose, and blah blah blah. I hate to say this, but I had a huge smile on my face the entire time he was chastising me. I lost sixteen pounds! WOOT! Yea, I did it wrong, I know, but I want this weight off so bad, that I'm pretty doggone happy. He ended up taking 1 cc out, and telling me he hoped I GAINED about 5 pounds in the next three weeks, through proper nutrition. Okay, I am going to work on proper nutrition, for sure, but I will be damned if I will gain five friggin pounds! Uh-uh, no sir-ee. This process messes with your mind. How screwed up am I that I don't really care that I could have hurt myself, as long as I lost weight? And why the hell wasn't I able to starve myself PRE-band? Why is it so easy now to just not eat? Sheesh. This is one craaaazy ride!! :biggrin:
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

2
 

You call this support?

Okay, I have 56 hours until my surgery. Not that I am counting the minutes or anything. :smile: So, I have this wonderful family. My folks live very close by, in the house I grew up in. My sister & her family live 3 blocks from them. I am married to an incredibly sweet man and have two sensational children! I know, it's sickening. :wink2: I also have a crazy, abusive, alcoholic Aunt, so it ain't all butterflies and rainbows! Anyhoodles, my daughter is my buddy. She just turned eighteen and I couldn't be more proud of her. However, the last few weeks I have noticed she hasn't said a word about my upcoming surgery. Hasn't asked any questions. I was begining to interpret her lack of interest as her not loving me. Even when I would bring up the subject of my surgery, she wouldn't comment. Finally, after school as I sat listening to her tell me all about her day, I decided to get to the bottom of the issue. I started off by asking her if she was worried about the actual surgery. To my surprise she broke down in tears and told me she was scared to death for me! Holy cow! This whole time the child has been so scared, she refused to acknowledge the subject! What I realized is that yes, I am begining a journey. However, I made the choice to take it. The rest of my family did not. They just kind of got dragged into it. I really need to remember that while I will most definitely need support during this process, so will each very special member of my family!!!
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

1
 

Surgery "scrubbed"

Yesterday, I arrived at the hospital @ 1:30, as scheduled. Hubby & I went through the paperwork part of the procedure and then waited. I was called back to the pre-op room and changed into my snazzy little gown & booties. The nurse had me lay down on the gurney and tucked me in under warm, cozy blankets. She asked me oodles of questions, started my IV and then brought my hubby back to see me. Another nurse came back and told me she needed to do a needle-stick because there was an issue with my potassium. She did the test and exchanged a strange look with the other nurse. Then my kids and my Mom & Dad were allowed to come in. That helped alot. I was really nervous. Finally, the anesthesiologist comes in and tells me he is very concerned about my potassium being so low. They won't do surgery unless your potassium level is above 3.0. Mine was 2.6. Wonderful. He tells us he wants to draw some blood, send it to the lab, as that is the most accurate way to test it. So, they poke yet another hole in me and we wait. About 20 minutes later, my surgeon comes in and I can tell by the look on his face things aren't going well. He tells me the surgery has to be cancelled. I need to make an appt with my primary care physician and get my potassium up to healthy levels, and then we will try again. He could tell I was upset and was really kind. So, I got dressed and home I went. All I wanted to do was sleep. Well, first I wanted to drink a gallon of water since it had been about 17 hours since I had had anything to drink! But then I just slept. I guess all the nervous energy and lack of sleep for the last week caught up with me. Today, I am just plain old frustrated with a side order of "pissed off". Upside, I found out I had lost 10 pounds when they weighed me yesterday! I made an appt with my doctor for Monday. I called my surgeon and he said he would talk w/ her and see if I couldn't get in sooner. He wants to get me in for surgery on the 16th. So, here I sit, fingers crossed, in a holding pattern yet again! Will I ever be able to start my new life???
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

4
 

Five months post-op!

Weight loss has been slow and steady at the ol' ranch. Officially down 62 pounds as of my five month post-op mark. Pretty darn happy with that. My body feels so different! I even started bowling again, after 20 years!!! I can get down on my knee without it collapsing under my weight! I am having a blast!! The last time I saw my surgeon, he took out about .2 cc's from my band. I was way too tight, unable to eat much of anything. Since then, as long as I eat reaaaaally slow, and take itty bitty bites, I've been doing pretty good. On the down side, I had to visit my primary care physician for the regular check up. He was busy that day, so I had to see his partner, whom I can't stand! First she feels my neck, and tells me I have a goiter. WHAT? So she sends me off for labs and an ultrasound on my thyroid. Whatever. When I get my labs done, she calls me and tells me my liver enzymes are abnormal, go have an ultrasound on IT. Okie dokie. I go have my neck and belly ultrasound-ed. Few days later, she calls asking if I am having stomach pain. Ummm, no, why, I ask. She says my liver ultrasound was abnormal. I ask what the problem is and she says we will discuss it at my next appt. FIVE weeks from now. Real nice. :thumbup: So the next day, I happen to have my appt with my bariatric surgeon. I tell him about the sitch and he can't believe she called and worried me, without giving me any information. So, he hops up, goes to his office and accesses my results. He is sooo my hero. Anyway, he comes back and tells me I have friggin gallstones! WHAT? Since I have had no symptoms he tells me he isn't worried, lots of people live with gallstones, with no problems. COOL! I decide I will be one of THOSE people! So, Murphy's Law being what it is, a few days later, I have the most God-awful pain I have experienced since being in labor with my children. The next day I google, and viola..... gallbladder attack. I have had four attacks so far. Sigh. I know I need to tell my doc, but I really do not want another surgery. I went forty years without a single surgery and now, I'll have two within five months. Major bummer!!
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

1
 

Climbing back on the horse...

Saw my doctor for the first time in almost 3 months. Expected to get a big lecture on my fantastic 18 pound gain. Thankfully, he was very kind. Filled me up, 2cc's, and sent me on my merry way. Why did I gain? Why did I stop going to see him? It started as being fed up with not being able to eat and vomiting all the time. The last time I saw him, he removed most of my fill. I don't know what happened after that. I got really stressed out with hubby in Afghanastan. Mom being sick. Everything was totally overwhelming. And damn, it was so nice to eat bread!!! I love carbs. I'd missed carbs. Then it was suddenly Thanksgiving. Why not enjoy it with my family, eating next to them, normally. And Christmas. Part of Christmas is baking goodies, right? Yea, I did my part. And my neighbors part, and your neighbors part. I baked my brains out. But those are just excuses. I made the decision every morning, not to work out, not to follow my diet. And now, I feel awful. All that hard work, down the tubes. I can't believe how easy it was to gain. It didn't take long at all. Pretty damn easy. Sadly, it won't be that easy to take it off. But, I am ready. I want to hit my goal this year. I know I can. I know I will. 80 pounds in 12 months. I CAN DO IT!!!! Then watch out Hawaii, here I come!
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

1
 

The countdown begins!

Sixteen days until my surgery!! I have been shopping for protein drinks. Purchased a few books to help me along my journey. Stocked up on things I may need post-op. It is bizarre. I am doing all these things to get ready, and yet it seems surreal. I can't believe I am actually doing this!! Last night at dinner, I ordered a sandwich and fries, because I know those foods won't play a big part in my "new" life. When I eat something, I can't help but think, "That might be the last time I ever have this." And I feel silly for feeling a little tinge of sadness. Then I think, "HOW silly! It's just food!" Today I went into GNC to search for protein powders. I felt so stupid just walking in. Fat girl in a health food store! I almost turned around and left before I even went in. Part of me wishes I had. The aisles were so tiny and I couldn't fit between a shipment of boxes and almost knocked them all down. I felt ridiculous. The tiny sales girl tried to help me find what I needed. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I can't wait until I finally feel comfortable with myself. Just being me.
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

3
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