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tired of waiting

The whole waiting game is gettin pretty old now, I've been persuing htis since February! It's been 4 months now and they are jut now sending the stuff into my insurance company for approval! I am just out of patience I guess. I alo just found out last night that we are going to have to tep up our house hunting because the woman we are renting our house from said she has to sell it. I wish she would have told us last June that she was gonna sell it after a year, because at the time she said "don't worry about me sellin it out from under you, as long as you want to rent is fine. I never would have rented it! Now we are faced with renting again and starting to build or buying whatever house we can find wether we like it or not, and I have not seen anything for less than 200K that I like. I'm startin to think that we need to forget about living within our means and just go for it! We have no credit card debt, only one vehicle loan and that's it. I wonder how much the monthly payment will be to finance 190K? I'll have to go find a mortgage loan sight. Oh well, I do like the excitement of having a big decision on the horizon...why do I like that?? I don't know anyone else that would find any pleasure in it! I also need a new car. Ummm I need to find a way to add about 7 or 8 hundred a month to our income quick! Any ideas? didn't think so! well I'm off to surf for mortgage rates. me
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

One week to workshop...

Me again, not much happnin lately other than my daughter driving me crazier than she already has. I thought this crap would be over with when she hit 20 but the stupidity continues....hopefully not forever....but for now and into the next long while it's tough love time. I don't have time to be used and manipulated even by my own almost 22 year old child. I am soooo busy at work right now that I can't see straight, which is good, it makes the days fly past and I do my best work under pressure...to a point. I actually found that point of diminishing returns last year when I was putting in 90-100 hour work weeks and my brain could no longer function from lack of sleep. I gave the company that I had been working for for 15 years the big heave ho and took a new job back in my home town that I LOVE! My problem now is the pace is much much slower and I must have multiple projects in order to catapult myself into martyrdom. Yes, I have determined that I enjoy self flaggellation, figuratively speaking of course...much to my husbands dismay. Well thats it for tonight.....One more week til I get to have my fat ass polaroided for posterity at the work shop....can't wait to be on my way! Peace out
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

Wednesday, 2/1/06

well I am on here at 12:30 am cuz I can't sleep. I have not slept well in over a year. This past year has sucked...no wait let me tack on 20 years...no it hasn't been all bad, I have 2 beautiful kids and a second husband who is great 90% of the time so I am very greatful for those gifts. I am also very excited to have this surgery. I am trying not to get too excited though so I am only in the beginning stages... I have filled out the paperwork, found out that my insurance co. does approve the surgery when all the criteria are met, have gotten the ok from my oncologist and am scheduled to attend a work shop in 2 weeks. Yes I did say oncologist, I had breast ca in 2001 when I was 37, did chemo and radiation and got it back in my lung last year, had the small middle lobe of my right lung removed last Feb 28th and did chemo again til July. whats really scarry is that just before each of these cancers were found I was at this same stage of looking into bariatric surgery. I am hoping that the reason was that I needed to wait for this lap band procedure to become more prevalent because I was going to opt for the roux en y on the other occasions! I am glad I didn't! I am about 135 pounds over my ideal bw...a whole woman! I don't know how I got this way...no seriously...I am a dietician by education and I have done everything under the sun and still here I am. I was not always fat, although I always thought I was. Now I know my body image has been messed up all of my life. I thought I was a blimp when I was 19 and 5'7" at 130 pounds! Now I am over 2x that and I actually don't realize I am as fat as I am until I see myself in a picture or a home video or naked in a mirror, then it's like wham ohh my god is that you in there?? I knew I was somewhat obsessed with losing weight all of my adult life but the flares really went up the first time I was diagnosed with Cancer at 37. My first thought was God please let me live to see my babies grow up and get on their way. The very next thought was well at least I will loose some weight finally. Well guess what...I gained weight with chemo...the drugs I took for nausea blew me up and then, I would try to find any kind of food I could keep down and I would eat so my stomach would stay full and my tastebuds would stay occupied with a thought of anything but the disgusting taste that was always in my mouth during chemo. I put 20 more pounds on my 220 pound body! I gained another 15 more over the next 3 years and then lost about 10 at the gym over the next year. Then I was diagnosed again last Feb 21st, one month to the day of my fathers death from lung cancer, (he hadn't smoked in 20 years and died Jan 21st at 66 after only 5 months from diagnosis. He was the greatest man I'll ever know) Prior to this I had just taken a new position with the giant conglomerate of a corporation that I had worked for since graduating college in 89 and had moved up through the ranks to be offered this "fabulous" opportunity about 500 miles from my home and the rest of my family. My husband and I decided it was a great offer and he quit his job, I sold my home that I loved, we took my 13 year old son and we moved in July of 2004 My dad was diagnosed in August. The company wrote a bad contract and lost the account in December, I quit smoking on Jan 2nd, 2005 (I never quit before except during chemo because I took my surgeons words "this cancer has nothing to do with ciggarette smoking" as a lifeline to smoke on and on and on, but as I watched my healthy handsome father die a rotten death that WAS definately due to smoking I could no longer justify it to myself). and dad died a few weeks later, then I was diagnosed four weeks after that, did my chemo and got a great job offer back in my hometown! Thats my story in a large nutshell! Anyway, gettin back to the surgery, my sister gets upset because I make jokes about how I am afraid that the insurance company will find some reason to decline me because I am a bad long term return risk....If ya don't believe they would do such a thing....WAKE UP! Then there will be a war cuz I have made up my mind that even if I live for a year or 40 years after the weight is off it's better than dieing fat like I am now. I think of all the grief and humiliation and disrespect and physical pain that being fat has caused me and I think NO MORE!!!! No more being wedged into an airplane or theatre or opera house seat, no more not riding roller coasters because I am too afraid to even go up to the car for fear of the intense humiliation that would ensue if I was told that I was too fat for the bar to lock down, No more knee, back and hip pain, no more lights out for sex, no more worrying that it will take twenty pallbearers to carry my coffin in my funeral...YES I DO THINK OF THAT! I just refuse to bear that final humiliation! I am so ready to live life to it's fullest and feel good about myself for the first time in 20 years...Life is way too short to live it this way. love, me:kiss2:
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

sleepy

I am beat! Very tough few days at work and my 21 year old daughter who is goin on 10 is ticking me off. My 14 year old son is my salvation now! I guess the first one gets ripped off in some ways...they are the product of on the job parent training and the second one gets the seasoned professional...with a little more money too! I am gonna start to track my food on here so just skip it cuz food tracking can't be anything BUT boring as hell!   8:30 am: 2 cups coffee 12:30 pm: 1/6 of a 16" pepperoni and cheese pizza 1 toasted cheese sandwich 16 oz. sweet tea (real sugar)   2:00 pm 16 oz lemonade (once again real sugar) 6:30 pm 1 whole can of chunky chicken noodle soup 8 saltine crackers 12 oz. diet pepsi   WOW...thats kinda frightening! Obviously not banded yet but just curious to see what my normal eating habits look like these days....I kinda gave up tracking my food intake about a year ago...it just gets soooo old! I wonder how long it will take my insurance company to ok the surgery after the DR submits everything?? Well gotta go take a rest. Peace out...:notagree
chameleon

chameleon

1
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