I hate this, I really do....
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Ive had my lapband for 3 years now in August...I hate it...I want it out so bad, and cant afford the surgery. Im so miserable, I cant eat, I cant drink...I dont even have a fill in. I went by the guidelines my doctor gave me, I never lost a lot of weight. I throw up all the time, its so embarassing when your on a date or just hanging out with friends. I cant take it anymore, sometimes I just want to rip it out. Ive had complications since the first day I had it, but ignored it. When I brought them up to my doctor a couple of months later, he said I was fine and that I was basically lying about what I was eating. He all but told me I was a liar, and that I wasnt pretty because Im fat...I endured this for 2 years! I finally stood up for myself, he blacklisted me on my medical records, now doctors wont take me because of the notes on my records despite my begging and pleading. I hate how people are given power with something as simple as a Ph.D. I wish I would have researched it more, I wish I had thought it out more. I dont necessarily regret it, I just wish I would have used a different doctor with a more supportive attitude and staff. Im so embarassed, sometimes I tell people I dont have it anymore just so they dont ask why I didnt lose the weight. The smallest I got at one point was 165, and I didnt stay there long....thats when I was puking every single thing that I attempted to swallow, even sucking on hard candy. Im not saying I want to eat a burger, or something greasy and gross....I just want to enjoy eating chicken again and salads and fruits...I want to be able to eat something that is cold and not throw it up. (Ive only been able to hold down things that are warm). I want to live again. But Im completely without insurance, and the only way to get my band checked for problems is to go to the ER and pretty much demand a upper GI test. I dont have money, Im a single mother and full-time student. Im so embarassed, I feel like a failure...I hate this, I wouldnt recommend it to ANYONE! Im thinking about possibly getting it taken out and having a mini-gastric bypass in the next five years....it just makes me cry to think I have to live with this for 5 years...or more...I hate explaining to people that I dont know whats wrong, I hate being a failure, I hate being fat...Ive done everything in the book at least twice to lose the weight...and it just doesnt come off the way its suppose to...Im hoping that when I get insurance again, if I get it again, that I can have some blood tests run on my metabolism and thyroid. Its gotten to where Im dizzy a lot, I fell down last night...I eat maybe one meal a day, I dont snack and I usually throw most of what I eat up...including liquids. I have had problems with my body rejecting foreign objects (like piercings) before, and Im thinking that my body rejected my lapband or something...IDK I just want it gone! I cant go out to eat with friends, I have to sit and suffer....watching everyone else eat and get something to go or wait until I get home and eat some Cereal for fear of getting sick. Now Im just rambling...I have tears rolling down my face, I never cry...Im not a crier at all...but it hurts so bad, emotionally and physically...my stomach always feels like someone is stabbing it with a knife or punching it with a tight fist....sometimes it feels like it is litterally tied in a knot! I just hope and pray for insurance soon, for answers to my questions....I want to live, and enjoy life again...I dont understand why nothing ever works for me...Ive been on every "lifestyle change", diet suppliment, fad diet, in the world...most of these diets or lifestyle changes or whatever you want to call them require you to eat a lot more during the day than Ive ever been able to eat....Ive never been a chronic overeater, ofcourse Ive overeaten sometimes, but never a lot, I usually stuck to 2-3 meals a day and never any Snacks....I never was a fan of "real soda" so I usually drank diet (which now I drink coke zero when I do get something, but one can lasts me ALL day)...Damn America and high costs of healthcare! and poopoo on the insurance company for calling weight-loss surgery cosmetic although they consider me morbidly obese...I want to be normal for once..Im tired of being the fat friend...much less the failed fat friend....Sometimes I think its better to just be fat, than to be fat and have had weight loss surgery because then people just talk about how much you basically suck at life...and how you must stuff your face with pudding and such......Ive got news for them, I dont like pudding, I dont like ice cream, I sure as hell cant stand snack cakes......Im not a very unhealthy person.....but I cant lose the weight.....
Ill stop, Im repeating myself....Im just so frustrated right now.....Im tired of puking my guts up every single day!