OK...here goes nothing. I haven't posted in quite a while because I have been dealing with some real shit at home. A month ago I found out that my husband of almost 10 years has been having an affair for the last year and a half. :mad:That's right...while I was losing weight and looking great, that pig went out seeking an affair and here I was scared of how I would act after I started to get attention from others when I started to look nice. I am hurt:crying:, angry:mad2:, sad :cry_smile:, devastated:cursing:, sick and every other emotion (other than happy). I'm now on Xanax for my anxiety and I am completely obsessed with this crap. How can someone go out seeking an affair when they have a wife and two beautiful children? Do people care anymore? Do vows mean anything? What the hell is wrong with people? Of course now all of a sudden he wants the marriage to work. Well damn...you should have thought about that before porking the skank!!!! I want to freaken scream. I want to hurt them both. How the hell do people get on after things like this happen to them? Is it possible? We are in counseling, but should I even bother? Will he do it again? What about my kids? Damn...I need some serious help. This really sucks. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the chest pains and the anxiety. I want a fairy tale ended but unfortunately my marriage will NEVER be the same. I can never look at him the same way again. Do I give up and start my life over with my boys? Can someone wake me up from this horribe nightmare????? Why me? In the last year I have gone from a size 22/24 to a size 10/12 and I have lost 106 pounds. I thought that my husband was proud of me and thought that I was looking good...guess not, huh? Joke's on me!!!

Congratulations Tina! You should be rightly proud of yourself!

As for the home situation, I don't think you should be holidng in or hiding your emotions...I realize you don't want to upset DH/the children, but you have to be true to yourself. Hiding your emotions is not the best way to deal with them. As for DH's depression, you cannot convince someone to go to counselling - it must be his decision based on self realization. You continue with counselling - you are number one. You first. YOU!

YAY Tina! We are all so PROUD of you for everything you have made it through! You are one tough cookie! Keep it up! :tt1:

Great job girl! I knew you could do it!!!!

WOW!!! Awesome!!! Congratulations on that accomplishment. The pictures look great too.:eek:

As much as it pains me to say this, you could kick my ass on a 60 mile walk. Good job!

Thanks guys!!! I can't tell you how great it felt to go across that finish line. I was sobbing!!! I posted some pictures in an album in my profile. You can check them out if you like. You guys are the best...you keep me going when I am down and I can't thank you enough. I'm so ready to do the walk again next year. Anyone want to join me?:eek:

Hi everyone. I'm back and need some hugs. I'm having a really bad week and I'm not quite sure why. Tuesday marked six months since I found out about his affair. I'm in a bad slump and unfortunately it seems to really be taking a toll on me. I have been eating everything in sight and in fact I gained 13 pounds in two weeks. Reality hit and I lost six of them but I can't stand that this is getting the best of me. I used to feel strong and now I am feeling so weak. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can do it myself or if I even want to. If I don't continue with my husband and find someone else later in life, who says that he won't do the same thing to me? I'm scared that I'll make the wrong decision and I'm shutting down. I didn't speak to my husband at all yesterday and didn't answer any of his calls. We emailed all day and I was a complete bitch to him. He didn't do anything to deserve it yesterday, it was just one of those days for me.

I'm going away this weekend for a mother/daughter weekend at the beach and some shopping at the outlets (even though I have NO money). I think that the time away will do me good but I was just away two weeks ago for the walk and here I sit in a terrible mood. For those of you who have been through this...when am I going to start feeling better? Am I ever going to feel like the same person again? Will I come out of this a better person? Did you go through the same roller coaster that I'm on? I just wish that I could close my eyes and have all of this go away. I hate dealing with this. I want to crawl into a hole and not come out. I sound so pathetic.

Well...thanks for listening guys. I'm hoping that I can come out of this funk rather quickly. I'm not letting my children see me in a funk. I'm in a good mood when I'm around them but when I'm at work I just want to shut my office door and stare at the wall. Damn...this sucks.

Take care, everyone.

I hate dealing with this. I want to crawl into a hole and not come out. I sound so pathetic.

Actually, you sound normal. What you are experiencing is to be expected. Although no one's situation will be exactly like yours, as someone who had a previous relationship of 13 years 'crash and burn' under similar circumstances, I too went through these periods. I would go out to my car in the parking lot at work and bawl. I would have periods of thinking I was getting 'better' and then suddenly an episode of anger or pity would appear. Honestly, it took probably 2 years before I would say I was OK. I will always have the scars, but I can look back with calmness....not happiness, not anger, not grief...calmness. Eventually the deep soul-wounding hurt abated.

Give yourself time - lots of time. You will continue to have mood swings and periods of bi###iness, anger. They will appear less and less frequently, but you WILL have them. On the good days, hold fast to the positive; ride out the bad days.

Tina, congrats on the 60 mile walk! That is so awesome. Sweetie, you and your hubby really need to talk and get to counsling. Even if it is just you going to counsling. If your communication breaks down you will be in trouble. You will actually feel better if you and hubby talk to each other. You will have periods of depression and doubts about things. It is a hard thing to get over. I have been divorced 19 yrs. now and there are still times I get a little angry at being treated the way I was. It is natural. Look at the good times you and your hubby has had. Concentrate on them, not on the bad.

Sorry this was so long...I will keep you in my prayers.

By the way I loved your pics from the walk. You look fabulous dahlingg. I love the "Mardi Bra" sign.

We are in counseling together and he is in individual counseling. I just feel that there is so much that he is still hiding. I also feel like I don't know the full story...when I ask questions, he simply says, "I don't know". WTF? How can you carry on an affair for almost two years and you don't know why? How can you not tell me what SHE had that I don't have? How can you not tell me what me her so special that you treated me like crap and your kids. I just get very frustrated. I get to the point where I don't want to talk to him at all because looking at him just sparks up anger in me even more. I'm a weirdo, I know. I get so angry. I yell at him, call him aweful names, tell him that I'm done with him. You name it. I don't know what will happen right now. However, it is good to hear that this sounds normal (as horrible as it is).

Well, my friends...keep those hugs coming...they are starting to make me feel a "little" better.

Hey Tina,

You are not weird or strange...though I haven't been through EXACTLY what you have, I have a lot of the same feelings. Keep going to counseling - both of you! You are wanting details, but they may be more hurtful than satisfying.

When I first noticed my hubby's online flirting, I asked a lot of the same questions...Why? He also said "I don't know"...whether that was an attempt to spare my feelings or he truly didn't remember I don't know. Your hubby may NOT remember why he started the whole thing...or he may remember exactly why and doesn't want to tell you for fear of hurting you further and deteriorating the fragile peace you had previously achieved.

Don't hold the frustration in - get it out, but try to find ways that don't tear him down as a person. If the majority of interactions with you are negative, he may start to avoid you. You have an absolute RIGHT to be angry, I'm just suggesting you find another way to express the anger.

You do need an outlet for the anger - have you considered a punching bag? Seriously - it might help to have something to hit (besides him) to get out the anger and aggression you are feeling - put her picture on it and whale the hell out of it...I'll repeat - YOU ARE NOT WEIRD...

It will take time to get through and past this - you will never forget, but you may be able to work toward forgiveness. Do you journal? I have found that writing things down helps me. I read back at some of the things I've written when we were going through difficult times, and I'm surprised.

Keep moving forward, my friend - I am rooting for you to come through this in a healthy and strong way. You have accomplished a whole lot, and this is NOT going to beat you! Keep YOUR health and well-being primary in your head...you HAVE to be there for your kids. Be honest with him about how his silence makes you feel, and try to create a safer space for him to express what HE'S going through. If he feels it will be the final straw in your relationship, he may never open up...he may have blocked out what he was thinking because he doesn't want to revisit that shamefully selfish period of his life.

Perhaps he doesn't want to believe he's that type of person, but his actions (and reviewing his motivations) hurts him...not that it is an excuse, but it's a possibility.

Oh -obligatory disclaimer - I am not a therapist or counselor, just another woman who sympathizes and empathizes with your pain and what you're going through...

I pray it gets easier for you...

Good luck. That sounds like such a mess, and I am glad you guys are trying to work through it. IMHO, when it happened to me, we tried again, and I could NEVER let go of those feelings, wondering, driving myself crazy. I knew I had to move on a find a fresh relationship that didn't have all that gunky crap that my long relationship did. It just got to a point where it just wasn't worth it anymore. Congrats on your weight loss !

I saw your pics yesterday and YOU ARE MY IDOL. You look great. I was banded on AUG 24th and was about you size. It amazes me that I could look as good as you do. About your husband--My husband cheated on me too. I found out when my now 3 1/2 y/o was about 8 weeks old. I was devastated. It never crossed my mind that he was capable of that. I was so engrossed in having a child and with a new baby, I would not have realized it if anyone was even trying to flirt with me. He never really gave me any answers either AND you NEVER get over it. I still love him but not the way I did. I will never completely trust him again. And still if I start thinking about it, I get so mad that I could squeeze his head off--3 years later, I'm still mad. We never went to counseling--though now I look back and think we should have. I stayed because of my son, but I started right then building MY LIFE. It no longer revolves around him. Don't get my wrong, I still love him and we have even had another baby--9mo old. I just think he was being stupid and did not realize what was at stake. I also work for the federal gov and make good money. I don't need him to help me pay the bills. I don't need him to make me feel good about myself, but my boys need their daddy. I've told him and continue to tell him that if I EVER hear of anything again. It's over. I know what what she had that I didn't have--everything he did was perfect and great and I bitched at him to pick up his underware and socks. Men don't realize that the person who the affair is with is not invested in their life. She doesn't care if his water bill is late or if he forgot to pick up milk on his way home. Their relationship has no responsibility. If they were to join lives--they would have the same problems that he is trying to escape in the marriage. Betrayal in a marriage changes the relationship forever. You just need to decide if you can live with it because it never goings completely away, but it does fade. If you can't live with it, you need to just get out of the relationship.

Just had to post this...

I just finished reading a book by Rev. T.D. Jakes called "Before You Do" in it, he discussed his "80/20 Rule" which was used in Tyler Perry's movie "Why Did I Get Married?".

His theory is that when we marry, we are looking for someone who has 100 percent to contribute to us and to the marriage. This perfect person does not exist, and at best, our flawed, human spouses can bring as much as 80 percent of what we need to a marriage.

Sometimes this is enough, but over time, you (in this case, the man) begins to see the effects of time and maturity, and longs for the other 20 percent. He can become more aware of what he thinks he's missing and starts looking. When you're looking for something, you usually find it, so he encounters someone who seems to have it all. This perception is an illusion...the other person doesn't have 100 percent either. They have the 20 percent that you feel you're not getting from the spouse at home.

That's why affairs come with such a rush of passion and romance, idealism and inspiration. It's only when they really get to know the other person (if they ever do) that they realize it's fool's gold - all glitter and little substance - and by that time, it may be too late. They've gotten stuck with their 20-percenter, and lost the chance to keep the 80-percenter.

The relationship can continue - it's just a matter of HOW it will continue. Will you "endure" or can you get back to "enjoy"? I've answered this question by deciding to "enjoy"...I have made it clear that I'm going to ask questions and probe for answers. :w00t: I will no longer allow him to change the subject or "decide" he doesn't want to talk about it, and I will not settle for vague answers. :cool2: If he wants this relationship, this marriage to continue, then he's got to open up.

It's not easy for him to do, and it won't be easy for me to hear, but I'm committed to this decision. Meanwhile, I'm doing what Jleemc is doing - making sure I don't need him financially and building my future. If it doesn't work out, I'll be ready. If it does work out, I'll still be ready. :smile:

My hubby and I are at a crossroads...my youngest graduates high school next summer, and that will be the deciding point. He knows he's on probation - he'd rather just forget about it, but I'm not ready to do that yet...I want to stay with him, yet the memories of his betrayal (minor though it may seem to some) are still very fresh and hurtful. :frown:

Only time will tell...