Did you tell your Doc?

cara51183 · January 30, 2008

I will be doing my pre-op stuff soon, and I was uncertain if I should share that I am a lesbian. I come from conservative west Texas, so if I were having the surgery here, I probably wouldn't tell the doc. But I'm having it in Colorado with Dr. Kirshenbaum, so I thought I'd see what y'all thought. :rolleyes2:

Boadicea · January 30, 2008

I will be doing my pre-op stuff soon, and I was uncertain if I should share that I am a lesbian. I come from conservative west Texas, so if I were having the surgery here, I probably wouldn't tell the doc. But I'm having it in Colorado with Dr. Kirshenbaum, so I thought I'd see what y'all thought. :frown:

Ya know -- why does he need to know? If there's some reason he needs to know, such as the possibility that you could die and your life partner has all the legal means necessary to come deal with it, then by all means alert him to your preferred guardian in the event you can't communicate, but otherwise..... I don't see why it would be something to bring up?

I was asked who my support persons would be and gave relatives and significant others -- but otherwise, no other info.

B

Teal · January 30, 2008

Is there different kind/size of band for Gays & Lesbians? If there isn't then I don't see the relevance in telling your Doctor/Surgeon.

MickATL · January 30, 2008

I'm in conservative Atlanta. When I went in for my pre-op tests, the psych consult required your support person to come with you. I brought my partner of 13 years. They wanted him to hear what my eating requirements were going to be and the kind of support I would need post-op. I guess if you aren't out in your life, then what's the point of telling someone who's going to cut you open, place a device and send you one your way? I'm out to everyone. My attitude, if it's not a problem for me, it shouldn't be for you. If it is, then I'd rather go somewhere else. It takes energy to hide things. To play the pronoun game. Its 2008. Believe me, you aren't the first queer patient they've had. If it's a big ugly secret for you, it will be for others.

I'm out to the dietician, on the yahoo lap band groups I post on and basically everywhere. The people that have a problem with it probably don't reply to my posts but... I have alot of friends on Yahoo and OH and here and I don't skirt the issue. I think people like me regardless of my orientation. It's a part of who I am. Denying it would be like denying I am male. I used to think people didn't need to know. What does it have to do with anything? It has everything to do with everything! My sexuality is interwoven into my character, my life, my personality and me denying it sends subconscious messages to psyche that says I am ashamed of who I am and other people are right for having a problem with it.

sadie11 · January 31, 2008

I went for my Dr. appointment today and I'm getting banded on March 3rd. yea! My partner of 9 years is getting banded in March also. We're tired of being big dykes with high blood pressure.

And yes I told them -- they were all fine with it. And if they weren't I'd be out the door. :tt1:

I'm 58 and I don't give a damn if someone approves of me or not. I'm not that crazy about some of my friends partners but I shut up about it and I expect others to have the same good manners.

Gosh, the 50's are great- I am who I am. I love you for who you are. I expect you to love me for who I am and the experiences that made me who I am today. Life is good!

MickATL · January 31, 2008

Good for you Sadie! That's how it should be. I remember first coming out and talking about "the heterosexual priveledge" which is to talk about kids, hubby, in-laws at work but gay peole are supposed to keep their personal lives to themselves. WTF?!?!? If you talk about your husband at work, I should be able to talk about my boyfriend.

I have stopped referring to him as my partner. In the South, people always ask me "Partner??? What kinda business y'all in?" I find that boyfriend gets the point across without using the term lover which is just a sexual term in my book.

Start practicing eating slowly, taking small bites, chewing your food thoroughly and, if you aren't... start exercising. It will help with recovery and it's a major aid in helping the weight come off post-op!

Congratulations on your date!!!

OH Juli · February 4, 2008

Not to get all political on anyone, do what feels right.

I'm an advocate for being out as much as possible. I have a 6 year old girl who as soon as she could talk would say, "My name is Zoe, I have two moms." There's no point in trying to hide it.

But you've got to live your life on your own terms.

Jachut · February 15, 2008

I cant see why you'd need to treat it any differently to having a partner of the opposite sex. I am not a lesbian but if I were your doctor, realistically, I would expect that you would simply name your partner as your next of kin if, and bring her with you as a support person if you were going to do that. As your doctor, I wouldnt wonder about it any more than I'd wonder about what my heterosexual patients get up to behind close doors - in other words, it probably wouldnt even cross my mind.

I guess not eveyone feels that way but to me, there's all sorts of loving relationships out there and I couldnt give a flying you know what who your partner was or what sex. Hopefully any professional who deals with the general public, people from all walks of life and backgrounds is going to feel that way.

OH Juli · February 20, 2008

I cant see why you'd need to treat it any differently to having a partner of the opposite sex. I am not a lesbian but if I were your doctor, realistically, I would expect that you would simply name your partner as your next of kin if, and bring her with you as a support person if you were going to do that. As your doctor, I wouldnt wonder about it any more than I'd wonder about what my heterosexual patients get up to behind close doors - in other words, it probably wouldnt even cross my mind.
I guess not eveyone feels that way but to me, there's all sorts of loving relationships out there and I couldnt give a flying you know what who your partner was or what sex. Hopefully any professional who deals with the general public, people from all walks of life and backgrounds is going to feel that way.

J

You are sweet and accurate, saying it doesn't matter. But there are parts of the universe and people out there working in it who don't feel the same as you.

I'm an out at all costs kind of gal with a woman who is very slow to share with people she is a lesbian. It's a struggle, internally, for her and for many. Each person does what is most comfortable for them in every situation. There are times I wish I could wear a lesbian lable so I wouldn't have to tell another person yet again. It is tiresome.

I've got to say things are always getting better so hopefully there will be a day soon where ones sexuality is no long considered anywhere but the bar when you're looking to hook up. :cursing:

xo

Juli

Michael185 · February 23, 2008

Hello all - I am new to this site and just found the GLBT group. Yeah!!! I am being banded on Saturday, March 1st. I have been out to my doctor and his team since going. Like Mick in Atlanta, I live in conservative Charlotte, NC. My thought on coming out was that if there was any complication in surgery I didn't want any question that my partner was my partner and had medical power or attorney and could speak on my behalf. I have been to my attorney and have all the documentation in place and on file with my doctors office. In addition to wanting to be comfortable in this very important time of my life, I figure the doctor is making enough money off of this surgery. He needed to embrace me and my partner as much as he is going to embrace my dollars!

I can't wait to get to know you guys better. Wish me luck - I am on the pre-sugergy liquid diet right now. OMG - I could eat a house!

Jachut · February 24, 2008

Yeah Juli, I know that's a pretty idealistic answer and that real life isnt always like that - but you should be able to rely on a medical professional being impartial shouldnt you? You expect it from the unwashed masses but you think anyone in a position of respect and trust should be able to handle that sort of information with sensitivity whether or not they personally have any feelings at all on it.

To be honest, overcoming fat phobia is such a challenge to society, if a surgeon can deal with obesity in an impartial manner without feeling shock, disgust and revulsion, I'd think a minor matter like sexual orientation would go completely under the radar. The way people react to fat is generally way stronger than the way they react to almost anything else, dont you find? Its like the ultimate sin is to be fat and/or ugly!

OH Juli · February 24, 2008

Jachut,

You are so correct about the attitude of a doctor being able to handle such information. I think there is an expectation of doctors than there is of the general population, and I love the phrase "unwashed masses".

And I agree that fat phobia is so ingrained that people who are otherwise sensitive aren't even aware they are being anti-fat. There are internalized fat-phobic obese people full of self loathing to be sure. There are gay people who struggle with internalized homophobia as well. Fat people are discriminated against in hiring or shopping etc. It happens and I’m not denying it’s huge and hurtful. But rare is actual physical violence waged against someone for carrying around 100 extra pounds. Just recently a 15 year old boy was shot in California for being gay. Hate crimes for obesity haven't made headlines.

There's also an entire discussion about one not being able to hide fat like one can disguise their homosexuality, so there isn't the layer of ‘should I share or not’. People see you and make judgments when you are fat. When you are gay you actually have to make the decision to share or not share that information which adds complexity to the equation.

I really enjoy you engaging in this conversation. Thanks for the dialogue.

Juli

cara51183 · February 24, 2008

You guys are awesome. I didn't post this question and just disappear, I've been following responses. I think I will tell him because I do want him to know that my partner has the power to make decisions about my health. I've heard horror stories about "only family allowed" situations where the partner was not allowed to see the patient...that would be awful.

I guess I have a phobia just because of the general enviornment we live in. If I were out and proud in my town I'd lose my job, many friends, even some family. : :lol: : I look forward to the day that it doesn't matter one way or another. I know my coworkers are straight and I couldn't care less. Yet I struggle when questioned about my personal life as to if I should or shouldn't share.

Even when you do tell someone and they say that they're ok with it or don't care, many times they really do. They suddenly develop strange looks if you give them a hug or they shift or fidget nervously if you talk about your 'room mate.' And heaven forbid they should ever actually meet your partner, they just stare and you can see their mind working..."they've seen each other naked...they sleep together at night...I've shaken her hand....ewww!"

And, to their credit, they do make the effort to appear that its truly ok with them. And over time many of them do get comfortable enough that it's not even a second thought. But it is still a strain on all parties that I hate inducing.

Anyway, I appreciate your replies! You've made some awesome points!

cheri52 · March 12, 2008

Hi Cara, I think it was a good question. I'm only sorry it still has to be a question! someday........... no one will care what you are, only who you are. I have the good fortune to live in Mass. and am happly legally married to my sweetie. It was as simple as not lying on the forms. they ask you to list your spouse, I did! Everyone was great, most didn't even have any reaction at all, one office worker I think was a little taken aback, but she quickly recovered and continued in a professional mannor. I think I get an extra hug from my NP on each visit. She knows how to give a good squeeze:wink2:. I think it might be wise to consider your location and trust your gut. there are unfortunately areas of this country that don't embrase us, so why add that stress to the mix. AND, if it is stress, you might consider moving!!! Keep us posted.

ReadySteadyGo · March 27, 2008

I didn't tell mine, but I didn't really have a need too. Mostly it just didn't come up, but If it did I would tell. I don't believe in don't ask, don't tell, its just not the first thing I tell people. I also don't like people who the first thing they talk to me about is their husband or wife. Thats just me I guess.:thumbup: