Not a good conversation with hubby last night.....

[citygirl4616 2]

My husband has never been 100% on-board with my decision to get the lap band surgery. I am getting such mixed messages from him, and I am really hurt. Here is the deal...

He is a physician. He suggested I lose weight for health reasons, and said he will help me any way he can. He said he will cook healthy meals for me, run with me, hire me a trainer...whatever I want to do. Well, I tried that for 2 years (not the running thing, I hate to run!), and I kept gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. When I told him how frustrated I was, he said that if I started to increase my cardio, the weight would fall off (he lost 40 pounds when he took up running). I explained that we were different, and I think I would look into the Lap-Band procedure. He started calling his GI friends and surgeon friends, and got me Dr. Steinberg's name.

All is great, and I start the necessary steps to get the surgery scheduled. Hubby calls Dr. Steinberg, thinks he is a great guy. He gets medical articles on the procedure, and asks around in the hospital about it.

Last week, I said to him that my final payment is due next monday (I am self-pay). He makes a face, and says, "Why do you have to pay upfront?". "Because that is the hospital policy on scheduled, non-insurance surgeries..." Then he starts complaining that as a doctor (he is not a surgeon)...he doesn't require patients to pay upfront. Well....because his patients all pay a $40 co-pay.

Then, last night, I mentioned how helpful I was finding this support board. Again, he made a face and said, "Why are you going on Internet web boards?" Now I am pissed! "Because I need someone to share this experience with, and I need people who I can turn to for support!" 2 minutes of silence followed. Then he said, "I'm supportive of you.". I said, "No you're not. You never ask me about me doctor's appointments, you know nothing of my pre-op diet, post-op diet, what to expect the first few days home, what meds I will need, what my life will be like after surgery!" Then he said, "You never told me you wanted to talk about it. I am afraid you think this surgery is an easy-fix, and you think the weight will fall off with no effort on your part. You know...you can't eat what you were eating before and you will have to exercise to lose the weight. Also, you may be in some pain after the surgery..did you know that?" OM f***ing G!!! Is he freaking serious! "Hey, doctor ass****, I gave birth to two of your children, I think I know to expect pain! Oh, and really? I have to change my diet? Like the 2 hour nutritional seminar went over, and the 12 page eating guide they gave me goes over? Maybe if you showed any interest in this process, you would know all this!" My therapist, and my step mother are more supportive of me right now than he is!

Okay, it sounds like I am still a little mad! It is Monday morning at 7am. He already left for work. Before he left, he woke me up, and apologized. Both of our kids are going our for New Years Eve tonight, so it is just the two of us. I just don't get it! He was so on board, and supportive in the beginning. When I ask him what has changed, he just says he doesn't know.

Sorry for such a long vent!

[sewenup1 0]

Hi,

Hope you don't mind me responding, I don't belong in the January thread but have some friends who do so was doing some late night (well very early morning reading).

Sounds like your husband is worried about you. I know you said he is a Dr but that doesn't mean he isn't worried about you under going surgery. he will know that there is always a risk with any operation and perhaps he is scared for you? All the knowledge and training in the world is out the window when we are scared we might lose someone we love.

My DH didn't show a lot of interest in my surgery either, but when it came time for me to go on the pre-op diet he started to get very concerned and was always after me about whether this was what I really wanted to do.

Maybe he also feels that he has failed you - he is a Dr and doubtless has healed many people and helped them but feels he has failed you if you are resorting to surgery.

Can you sit him down tonight and explain that you really need his full support in this as your husband and not as a Dr? Hope things work out for you and good luck with your surgery.

Happy New Year.

Danna

[luvsrocks 0]

CITYGIRL! Been there, done that & some days are good but somedays I still get the "looks". I've talked about this surgery off & on for a couple years. My husband always said "no way", so I should have been prepared, but I am still shocked some days at his reactions. We have been blessed with an incredible relationship all the way around, but I have to say this has been the most difficult "issue" we have experienced. In August we had family over for a swim/bbq party. Of course I didn't swim because of my size. But then my brother emailed his pictures & I didn't even recognize myself at 313 lbs. I was devastated. I'm 56, healthy except for knees, feet, no mobility, energy or self-esteem. Sometime that next week I spoke to him & said "I want to have this surgery, will you give me your blessing?" Long story short, he said if our family doc gave his blessing, he would. Doc did and I went forward.

DH did not want to go to the seminar (11/3), he did not go to the consult or asked about any appts. His responses or lack of response hurt me too and yet I just kept plowing forward alone until I found this board. I had never posted on a board before and received so much comfort & support here....sometimes just reading. I still get the negative response when I'm on the computer from him.....but you know what....he doesn't get it, it isn't his fault....we're different people.

The best conversation we have had concerning this, I listened to everything he said. The thing that shocked me was he thought I was doing this so I would look good to other men or that I was trying to recapture my youth! OMG! The other "biggie" he says I'll change...& the basic fears we all have about having elective surgery. Even after that long talk where he said he would support my decision, though he doesn't understand it, he would take me & be with me for the surgery...all that....but he does not like the choice I made. He says I'm so strong in every part of my life and I can lose weight & exercise if I just would decide to do it. The gammit of emotions have been many. But I am going to do this for myself, my future & our future, I want to live and be productive and be a part of my kids and grandkid's lives.

I bet if you asked him right now when my surgery was, he wouldn't know, but that's ok. I'll remind him a couple days before and I know he'll love me, take care of me and as I lose and gain control over my weight, he will see what I can see now.

For me, I think this has been difficult because I am a pleaser and this decision had to be mine instead of a "couple" decision. I have to say it has been one of the hardest decisions because he didn't agree and I respect his feelings & want him to be comfortable. He isn't. But I do believe this is the right decision for my well being.

As hard as it is, talk and listen to his needs & concerns, do the best you can and pray. Know that you can come here anytime and share, vent and you won't be judged. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

January 2008 (I'm the 10th too!) is going to be a great start for a healthier life. I commend you for taking this control over your health now.

Go New Year's Knockouts!

Carol

[TownDrunk 0]

I'm going to take your husband's side for a second because you have to remember, men think differently than women. He probably doesn't realize how hurtful his words are! Men want to fix things, and if they can't fix them they say stupid stuff (ask anyone who has been married 20 years.) There are things we discuss with spouses, then things we discuss with friends and support groups. My partner said some mean things during the banding process but later apologized for being mean for spouting off for the simple reason of frustration & not understanding what I was going through. Do you think he loves and worries about you or really being an ass?

[luvsrocks 0]

Sewenup, you are welcome anytime! Good response. You mentioned your DH being concerned about your pre-op. It's true that the changes we are going to face about eating are going to effect our spouses too. Eating is a sharing experience and it is what we do with our families. We come home from work, we sit down and share our days and we share food. That can be healthy or unhealthy but that is definately a "change" for all of us involved in that relationship to food.

Congratulations on your band! Almost a month now. How are you feeling? What kind of postop diet are you on?

Thanks for sharing.

Carol

[luvsrocks 0]

I'm going to take your husband's side for a second because you have to remember, men think differently than women. He probably doesn't realize how hurtful his words are! Men want to fix things, and if they can't fix them they say stupid stuff (ask anyone who has been married 20 years.) There are things we discuss with spouses, then things we discuss with friends and support groups. My partner said some mean things during the banding process but later apologized for being mean for spouting off for the simple reason of frustration & not understanding what I was going through. Do you think he loves and worries about you or really being an ass?

Amen to "men think differently than women"! But that's a good thing! How boring it would be if we all thought the same. Of course they love and worry about us. They are also smart enough to know that when we change it changes their world too. We all have the same fear of "change". Life is change and we all have to help each other through it.

[mamato3 1]

I am impressed with your courage to push through with this procedure even though your hubby, who is also a physician has not been 100% supportive. You are a strong woman. He probably just has worries and fears just like any normal husband would have, but they are made bigger worries and fears due to the fact that he is a Dr.

I too, think you should sit down with him and just have a good long talk. Let him know you care about his feelings too. Let him know how important this is to you. Let him know how much you want and need his support right now.

Has your husband ever been overweight enough to even qualify to have surgery like this? Has he been a person who struggled with his weight all of his life? No one, not even your husband knows how you feel on the inside related to your weight issues. You are the only one who has to live inside your body. You are doing this for YOU. You are making a great choice. A healthy choice.

Anyways, now I am just rambling I think! hahah Good luck to you and remember, we are all here for you for support.

[dianegoe 0]

Citygirl, my husband is a physician also. My surgery is scheduled for 7:30 am on the 15th. He told me he told the "girls" in his office to not schedule him until 10 that day. I said gee thanks, I try hard to breathe on my own so they can take the tube out before you go to work. I am paying for this myself. I think basically men are ass****. Someone else said their surgery was 2 weeks out and their husband a physician could not be there because he had patients scheduled. When my husband had his hip replaced I stayed with him the whole time and slept in the hospital. he didn't need to ask, I wanted to be there. It hurts me for you and all of us. We give to everyone, that's why we are in the position we are in. Do what is best for you. He is probably afraid when you loose weight you might see you are tired of caring for him without getting anything in return. We are here for you. I am sorry you are hurting. I am too and I'm alot older than you are. I am sorry he is being an ass, but do what is right for you.

[Jaymie72 0]

Trust me I do understand. I was banded on the 28th and on the 27th my dh and I got into an argument over all of this. He alter apologized but he almost made me feel demeened like this surgery was the easy way out. Later he told me that it was his fears of something happening to me during the surgery that caused his attitude. He said that deepe down he was scared and it came out as him just being an a@#hole. So maybe what your husband is dealing with is deeper than you know. Keep coming here for support and keep your chin up becuase it will be over before you know it!!

[luvsrocks 0]

Diane & Jaymie, both were great responses. I for one really appreciate hearing everyone's sharing on this issue. Thank you.

Best wishes to you both in your journey!

[gdessus 0]

You Can Vent Anytime U Want Better Out Then In ! Dont Stress Yourself He Probably Just Worried About You Just Keep On Doing What Your Doing Things Will Be Fine Wishing You Lots Of Luck

Gina

[citygirl4616 2]

See? This is why I come to this board! Everyone is so kind, understanding and supportive. Thanks for the awesome responses everyone. I feel much better this afternoon.

Update: When my husband got home from work this morning, he told me that he had his front desk rearrange his work schedule to be off the afternoon of my surgery, and the whole next day (originally, he was only taking off the afternoon of the next day). My Dad is still taking me to the hospital, but that was a big deal for my husband to change his schedule, without me asking him to. When I asked him why he did that, he said that he was sorry for being such an ass. He said he did not realize how much of a big deal this was for me, and that he is glad that I pointed out now his lack of support (rather than later). In addition, he is also really nervous about me undergoing an abdominal surgical procedure, and having to be under general anethesia.

Anyway, I feel so much better this afternoon. Thanks to you all for the incredible support on this board. Even though I feel like I have a ton more support at home now, the advice I get on this board is priceless!

[sewenup1 0]

Citygirl,

Glad to hear that things have worked out. Men really are from Mars aren't they!!!:biggrin1:

Luvsrocks,

Thanks. I have been banded since December 3 and I am now on normal foods. My post-op diet was 2 weeks fluids and then 2 weeks mushies, but when I went back for my post-op visit 10 days later I had lost another 5 kg (about 11lbs) since the surgery - a total loss since starting the pre-op diet of nearly 12 kg (26lbs) and my incisions were healing nicely, so I was allowed to start mushies early. This was great because I was getting really bored with fluids. I was lucky with my Dr as he said that I could move onto soft foods as I felt ready for them. As the mushies ceased to make me feel full I was to thicken them up (less sauce and not as finely pureed) and that he thought I would be able to have normal foods by Christmas. So I celebrated Christmas with some real food. The hardest part is to remember to take small bites and to really chew them up well. I have had a couple of moments when I realised I hadn't chewed enough - oh well it's all a learning curve.

When is your surgery?

Good luck to you all - it really is worth it.

Happy New Year.

Danna

[destined2befree 0]

last year, I was scheduled to be banded and the day I went to preregister he tells me he is not on board, yada yada yada...I was so upset that I cancelled the surgery. I was scheduled for 11/06 Fastforward to 2007, I am not only heavier, but more uncomfortable and prediabetic... I went thru the process again and now I am approved and having surgery in 8 days. I needed him go go with me to the support group and he refused, I called my sister and she went with me...but I came home and read him the riot act. After 24 hours of the silent treatment, he relented, apologized and now is taking the day off on my surgery date and is going with me to my preop class on thursday. Trust me, your DH will come around ( i find the silent treatment to be very effective for me!) you are doing this for YOU....just remember that, you deserve good healthe and to feel good about YOU. take care and happy new year......good luck too!

[phowell 0]

I think that most of the times when people act that way, they are worried. Not necessarily about surgery, but about the way we will be. No one likes change so when they think about us looking different or eating different, they have a very hard time with it. Maybe they think that by being mad or angry toward us we won't go through with it and things will just stay the same!:cry