Hi to everyone out there in LapBandLand...

I'm not really sure where to begin other than to give details about the journey that has me here, and the one that I expect to take over the course of, well, the rest of my life. Forgive me in advance for rambling.

I'm a 38 year old male who, thanks to heredity coupled with a variety of other factors have put me on a collision course with death far before what most would consider "it's time." I don't exaggerate in this sense - at age 32 I had an acute angina attack, and was advised that I had advanced coronary artery disease, with some arteries as much as 95% blocked.

Despite four angioplasty procedures and the installation of five stents, countless diets and exercise regimens, etc., my weight has done nothing but go up. Today my 5'8" frame carries more (340 lbs.) than ever - 50 lbs. more than when I was having angina attacks. Oddly enough other than the blockage and my weight, I'm in what my doctors consider pretty good shape for my age - my blood pressure and vitals are in the normal range, I don't drink or smoke, I eat a nearly vegetarian diet, all the things I should be doing... and yet the weight keeps going up, putting more and more stress on a heart muscle that, while not apparently weakened by past problems, isn't exactly saying "Bring it on!"

Angina didn't bother me. Blacking out and nearly dying didn't bother me. Being something of a social misfit due to my size? Hah... who cares about petty stuff like that? Having my groin drilled like an oil well, so a doctor could run a wire up my femoral artery into my heart and put a mesh stent into it to keep me alive didn't bother me enough to go through with a gastric procedure such as LapBand or by-pass. The thought of my own death wasn't enough to motivate me to go through with this.

Then something did: having a child. For some reason after my heart problems my wife and I decided to start a family. My daughter, now a rather precocious 3 1/2, brings joy and wonder into my life which I'd long ago forgotten, and I began to think, "She deserves to have a father around, and you aren't doing everything you can to see that that happens."

So after years of an on-again, off-again, waffling as to whether or not to pursue a gastric restriction procedure (my wife's actually convinced I'll back out at the last minute), a few months ago I decided to go full-throttle forward. Consequently, I've gone through the hoops of the screening process (and with my history, there are some added steps involved) save a thyroid test and, provided my insurance carrier agrees (which, considering my circumstances, they likely will) I'll be undergoing the LapBand on 13 February, 2008.

While I've undergone the extensive preparatory phase that most patients go through prior to their operations, including the educational programs, I'm coming into this kind of blind in a sense:

• I have no specific expectations, except to know that whatever I undergo, it'll be for my daughter's benefit as much (if not moreso) than my own. As readily as I'd burn in hell forever to keep her safe, I'll gladly undergo this if it means I get to spend so much as an extra day with her.
  
• I have no goal of losing X number of pounds. That may be good as a motivator for some, but in my case determining that "I want to weigh 200 pounds by such-and-such date" simply wouldn't work. Instead my goal is simple: to add X number of days to my life which I wouldn't have otherwise - days which I hope to spend with her doing things I can't do with her today because I'm too large, or because I tire too easily.
  
• I lack the joy some of you do. I know most who undergo LapBand look to their surgery date as almost another birthdate - one to be celebrated. While admittedly I'm looking forward to my date (13 Feb) and in fact am counting down the days, again I think I'm blinded by the single-mindedness of why I've finally decided to do this, to a point where I can't really enjoy it.

I intend to read these forums vigorously over the course of the next six weeks and beyond - for education, insight, perhaps for support, I'm not sure. But I'm glad I found the place, and I'm glad to see that I'm nowhere near alone. So if you got this far, thanks for indulging me by reading, and hopefully our respective journeys will lead us to our desired destinations, wherever that may ultimately be.

Hi Mac the knife:

Enjoyed your very well written intro.

Welcome to the forum and the beginning of your own journey.

I think you may be starting this process for your daughter ( and she will benefit) but eventually you will be happy for yourself about doing this as well.

After struggling myself for so many years and even though I am only one month post op, I now have real hope that I can make it through this successfully. I can feel your despair and that feeling of hopelessness in your words and I was there not long ago.

I am so glad you are willing to take the time to read as many threads in the forum, you will find lots of good information and support here.

Hi MAC,

I just read your post and it moved me so much I just had to answer. I am 42 and going through this journey too to have a l.b.s. I feel your pain. When my 22 year old son was in graded school he was very active in sports. I can't tell you the pain I still feel now when I think of all the games with the parents against the kids that I missed. I would always say "when mom loses the weight I will play" Well needless to say, I never got the chance and now all these years later I still feel guilty. I would sit on the bench and watch the other parents and kids and wish I were out there. Not to mention sitting and watching while my husband took our kids on the rides at amusement parks. I was the one who would run the camcorder because I was too afraid I wouldnt fit in the seats. I have finally had it and even though my kids are grown, I am not going to miss out on my grandchilden. I go for my last visit on jan 31 and hopefully i will join you in feb surgery. good luck to you. just remember you wife and daughter need you. You dont want to miss out on walking her down the isle or playing soccer or basketball because of your weight. You sound like a really great dad......

Newbeginnings

Congrats on starting your new life and welcome to bandland! I havent been banded yet I just recently decided to go with the band instead of the RYN. Talk soon!

blessings

I appreciate the comments of all here... I have no doubt that while I'm doing this predominately for my daughter, that I'll be glad I did so down the road. It's not that I'm in a "woe is me" or even a "What the hell am I doing?" mindset - it's more one of resignation, of inevitability. I knew I was headed down this path the day I learned that gastric restriction procedures were possible.

I mentioned heredity in my original post, and the more I think of it - especially after reading newbeginnings' post here - I think there's a new motivation I can sort of fall back on should it be necessary. My father was 38 when I was born, and throughout his 40's he packed on weight, to a point that shortly after my last year of Little League, he had a severe heart attack followed by a triple by-pass. I should've suspected something was up when we'd play catch in the yard - if I threw the ball errantly, he made me run the length of the yard to chase it down, then go the length of the yard back to my original place, before trying again. I thought he was being mean back then. I thought he was trying to teach me when I got older. Now, for the first time, I'm beginning to realize that he couldn't physically do it himself anymore. His heart, literally, just wasn't in it.

In some sense I draw parallels of course, but in my case, I'm way ahead of the pace he set - 51 when he had his heart attack, 32 when I had my angina. He weighed around 250, I push maximum density at around 330-340. The only differences really are what we eat (he loved lunch meat, while I enjoy veggies), and that I'm fairly mobile for my size and despite my health problems - in a pinch I've even been known to play catcher for a local (and highly competitive) softball team, but I can see where my father, in his late 40's/early 50's, had reached a point where he couldn't go anymore. In my case I'd simply settle for living as long as he did (he ultimately died at 72), but now I see where the LapBand procedure will have other advantages that I honestly really hadn't given enough thought to.

I always told my wife that I'd never be a parent in the same mode my father was (obviously there's more to that statement than his weight, but I digress), but in that sense I've been heading down the same path - and I didn't really realize it until just now. More impetus for change, thanks to joining here!