...with smaller clothing and other victories.

I am struggling this month and being hard on myself because my weight loss slowed. Yesterday I spilled a glass of water on the floor and cleaned the mess without assistance. I stopped for a moment and thought about how difficult (impossible) that was a few months ago. I am not always happy with the numbers on the scale, but I am happy with the changes in my body and non-scale victories.

The crazy thing for me is as much as I wanted to change, I realize I never planned for succeeding. I now weigh less than I have in 25 years and barely recognize the difference. In my head, I am still almost 400 lbs, which is where I was before my December 2, 2019, gastric sleeve. I think I am more scared of succeeding than I am failing - which is weird because I have always dreamed of being smaller. The problem was that I never mentally planned for what that would look like. Now that this change has come out of my dreams and into my life, I am not sure what to do with it. Weight loss triggers a lot of painful things for me - some connected to a sense of security I felt being severely morbidly obese. I always felt this sense of invisibility, which is really weird because at 5'3 and 381 I was anything but invisible!!!

Still, I need to take a step back and remember why I started this journey. I am in a self-sabotaging cycle that has made me stuck - plus or minus 8-10 lbs. I have been secluded with COVID and not reaching out for support, even with support readily available. Today I am starting my day differently going back to the basics with measuring food, drinking water, and eliminating the slider foods that trigger me to overeat. I have been bulimic for most of my life and now I am weirdly swinging the other way with not eating in regular intervals and when my body is physically hungry, I eat something. Mentally I know that I must eat to lose weight, but its a struggle with how my feelings around food trigger me to forget my diet and eat what I want. I grew accustomed to not being able to eat and hoped that would continue. Now, it depends on the day. I cannot eat a lot, but 'a lot' is relative, after the gastric sleeve. I am struggling to get back to focused efforts on mindful eating.

Can anyone relate to what I am experiencing?

My Dear Epicdreams2020, how beautifully you have expressed what no doubt, has been deep introspection. Bravo and Congratulations to you for doing the hard work and bringing it forth here.

Yes, I can relate. This past month I have noticed my insidious little habits of sneaking bites of hubby’s cashews or 2 of his Hershey’s miniatures that the next day became 3, or a french fry from his plate that became 3, etc. have returned. The “treats” I bring home to him have lately been so that I can have “one bite”. Yes, I stop at one bite, but for how long will I stop?

Yesterday, I read Catwoman’s comment that her appetite returned around month 5. Hmmm, I reflected, I’m exactly 6 months post WLS, so asked myself if I have REALLY prepared myself as much as I believed I had? The obvious answer was ‘probably not’, and now It’s time.

To your point, there was for many of us a comfort of one sort or another in carrying the extra weight, often called “fat, the great insulator from life”, and somewhere in our psyche there must exist some sort of pull to recidivism that we must fight against.

Awareness is our first step, acknowledging it the next, and a COMMITTED plan to STOP it the next. For me, it will begin TODAY and will be ONE DAY AT A TIME. Thank you for bringing this topic into the light of day. No doubt, others are right there with us and wanting out.

My best wishes to you on all that you have achieved, the falling down, the getting back up. We CAN overcome!?

Edited September 10, 20205 yr by Lily66