Need a place to vent/rant A guys perspective would be appreciated.

I could be all wrong about this. Could someone explain some things to me about men and social interaction. I'm clueless. When I talk to some men they think I'm hitting on them. When I was obese they never thought I was hitting on them..So why now?

Had a casual conversation with one of the gym regulars I've known for about 2 years. I teased him about being on the phone and not running the track. Nothing inappropriate. It got back to me that he thinks I'm hitting on him. Now when we talk he feels the need to say "you met my wife right?"

I had a conversation with a acquaintance. I asked how his wife was doing. He explained her fibromyalgia was acting up. It got back to me that I am hitting on him because i asked how his wife was. He interpreted it as if I was seeing if he was single...What the hell????

I'm an old fart and married. I don't get it. Should I stop talking to men???

Definitely just stop talking to men. Have you seen the article that has been floating through facebook where this extremely old woman (in 100s?) says the key to a long healthy life is avoiding men? Lol

I wouldn't limit your interaction with the opposite sex due to 2 weird eggs. Like someone else mentioned, this could totally just be an ego thing with the guys. Women do the same thing. Men are just as weird and complex when it comes to feeling inferior, they'll do anything to make themselves feel/seem less inferior even at the expense of others' comfort. There ARE decent people out there who would be excited to meet an awesome person like you for plain ol' harmless, decent adult conversation. Finding them is the tougher part. I'd just say stick to your comfort zone and don't feel bad about bailing when you don't feel comfortable. Be picky about who you decide to keep company and vice versa especially in public. There's nothing wrong with that ?

I think for a person that's been obese most of their life, it can be hard to interpret other people's intentions. It can even be a strange experience when someone of the same gender is nice to you. You spend your life in a bubble because people (for the most part) don't care to interact with fat people. They gravitate towards the fit and attractive. My daughter-in-law is your typical beautiful fit blonde girl but she has a real down to earth personality. I've known her since she was a kid. I've always noticed how differently she's treated in public by strangers than the obese (like myself) are. I think when you grow up (as what society considers to be) attractive, you tend to handle attention from others differently. I think she expects guys to come on to her so she doesn't really let it bother her. When you spend your life not being noticed and virtually invisible to others, it creates a certain level of naivety. I've only lost 55 lbs and it seems like people are treating me differently. I can just imagine what it will be like after the surgery and I hit my goal weight. I've been obese and invisible for a long time. I too might be creeped out by unwanted attention. LOL

I think it's a combo, and none of it your fault. I agree that the guys are likely engaging some weirdo coping mechanism by broadcasting that you like them, likely to both seek attention (attractive woman is interested in me!) and to create a social barrier (...but I'm MARRIED and wouldn't DARE!). It's an alien approach to most women, because it is self-aggrandizing and dumb and easily disproven. But then there's the stupid gendered thing where a woman who refutes such a rumor is seen as protesting too much, and a man who says he's not interested is just telling the truth. Down with the patriarchy, etc.

HOWEVER. The other thing is possibly that you're so used to having your physical form negated by others that you poured most of your attention into your personality. So when people met you, they mostly liked you for your awesome communication and engagement traits, because you'd spent a long time honing them and were awesome. But NOW, you're SLIM. And that means your knockout personality now ALSO has a level-up of them liking you hormonally, so now they like you even MORE and some of that liking is sexual, and now their brains are fried. Because you're an attractive woman with a great personality and you're talking to them and that's unusual (which is likely also a quirk of having lost weight, because lots of women who fit in that category but were never fat have learned from past weirdness to tone things down).

Don't change who you are because of two dumb himbos. If it eventually gets to the point where it's too damn annoying to talk to men because they keep doing this, then you can think of changing things up. But for now it's just a couple of guys short-wiring because their brain and their pants simultaneously find you attractive.

5 minutes ago, sideeye said:

I think it's a combo, and none of it your fault. I agree that the guys are likely engaging some weirdo coping mechanism by broadcasting that you like them, likely to both seek attention (attractive woman is interested in me!) and to create a social barrier (...but I'm MARRIED and wouldn't DARE!). It's an alien approach to most women, because it is self-aggrandizing and dumb and easily disproven. But then there's the stupid gendered thing where a woman who refutes such a rumor is seen as protesting too much, and a man who says he's not interested is just telling the truth. Down with the patriarchy, etc.

HOWEVER. The other thing is possibly that you're so used to having your physical form negated by others that you poured most of your attention into your personality. So when people met you, they mostly liked you for your awesome communication and engagement traits, because you'd spent a long time honing them and were awesome. But NOW, you're SLIM. And that means your knockout personality now ALSO has a level-up of them liking you hormonally, so now they like you even MORE and some of that liking is sexual, and now their brains are fried. Because you're an attractive woman with a great personality and you're talking to them and that's unusual (which is likely also a quirk of having lost weight, because lots of women who fit in that category but were never fat have learned from past weirdness to tone things down).

Don't change who you are because of two dumb himbos. If it eventually gets to the point where it's too damn annoying to talk to men because they keep doing this, then you can think of changing things up. But for now it's just a couple of guys short-wiring because their brain and their pants simultaneously find you attractive.

I'm glad I can take this silly stuff in here and get perspective. This was a first time experience at my gym. caught me off guard. I'm over it. *laughing at myself*

Well, to be fair, a lot women are the same way. It probably has more to do with the narcissistic society we live in that is all too full of themselves.

12 hours ago, MeanSleevedMachine said:

Well, to be fair, a lot women are the same way. It probably has more to do with the narcissistic society we live in that is all too full of themselves.

I agree It's both men and women.

I also think there "can" be a bit of feeling cute and body positive. Like, we're finally experiencing what it feels like to feel good in our body--like we look good--and it's gratifying to us and makes us feel more confident. So we give ourselves permission to be more bubbly and flirtatious/coquettish. Especially when it's in a "safe way". We know we're in a great relationship, we're in a safe space (the gym), and we feel confident and comfortable allowing people to notice us as women. But not like we're perving on guys! Just exercising our power as attractive or possibly attractive females.

In most cases maybe we aren't even aware we're being more vivacious or giving off vibes. And also most of us would feel mortified if anyone accused us of flirting or perving.

*Not saying this is what is happening here. Only saying that I experienced something like this this weekend. And Mr. F. got mad that I was chatting too much to another person. But I swear on a stack of bibles, I had no thoughts in my head about sex or about being thought of as sexy. But I was just being vivacious cuz I felt good about myself and life, and Mr. F. (who is all I care about) sees me as being sexy now that I've lost so much weight and can wear skinny jeans. KWIM?

3 hours ago, FluffyChix said:

I also think there "can" be a bit of feeling cute and body positive. Like, we're finally experiencing what it feels like to feel good in our body--like we look good--and it's gratifying to us and makes us feel more confident. So we give ourselves permission to be more bubbly and flirtatious/coquettish. Especially when it's in a "safe way". We know we're in a great relationship, we're in a safe space (the gym), and we feel confident and comfortable allowing people to notice us as women. But not like we're perving on guys! Just exercising our power as attractive or possibly attractive females.

In most cases maybe we aren't even aware we're being more vivacious or giving off vibes. And also most of us would feel mortified if anyone accused us of flirting or perving.

*Not saying this is what is happening here. Only saying that I experienced something like this this weekend. And Mr. F. got mad that I was chatting too much to another person. But I swear on a stack of bibles, I had no thoughts in my head about sex or about being thought of as sexy. But I was just being vivacious cuz I felt good about myself and life, and Mr. F. (who is all I care about) sees me as being sexy now that I've lost so much weight and can wear skinny jeans. KWIM?

You talking too much? *laughing*

The gym is my happy place. I've managed to keep it drama free for years. The regulars casually chat at the beginning and end of our workouts. The comments that got back to me caught me off guard. but, I'm letting it go.

Just a few years ago I was 130lbs. I didn't become overweight until I was 21ish... and not obese until 25ish (I am 30 now). Most people have been overweight or obese their whole life... not just a few years... so I have a unique perspective. I was even the a*****e teen who used to make fun of fat people behind their backs. I was awful to people. I was awful to my own mother who was overweight and used to tell her to her face I hoped I would never be that size. Jokes on me because I am now 70lbs heavier than she is.

I definitely 100000% notice a massive change in the interactions with men between when I was thin and fit to being obese. Yes, 100000% men were much more flirty and took things I said sexually or like I was interested in them, when that wasn't the case whatsoever. I think it was on their end, wanting to think a very attractive person was interested in them. Now, not a single soul I talk to treats me like I am being flirtatious. It's a complete 180. The world is judgmental and biased against the obese. And it sucks for me because I remember so clearly how well I was treated by everyone when I was skinny, and how invisible I am now. People are going to talk to you differently and act differently around you; it's just ingrained. Don't change a single thing about yourself and just roll with it.

Edited December 12, 20187 yr by mousecat88

On 12/11/2018 at 3:00 AM, Oct517 said:

Definitely just stop talking to men. Have you seen the article that has been floating through Facebook where this extremely old woman (in 100s?) says the key to a long healthy life is avoiding men? Lol

That may help a person live a long life but imagine how boring it would be. I would rather live a shorter life with a wonderful husband than a long one without

That may help a person live a long life but imagine how boring it would be. I would rather live a shorter life with a wonderful husband than a long one without

Lol. You have to think outside of the box