This is a rant, not a rave, and it's worth noting that I'm angrier than usual, right now, because the news (in the US) has me rubbed raw, and I don't imagine being on the pre-op liquid diet is exactly helping my mood.

Anyway...

I always have this very strong set of emotions for everyone in these forums whose partners aren't supportive. A little of it is that I'm impressed at their fortitude--I just wouldn't put up with some of the behavior I read about, and I admire their patience. (I don't think they should put up with most of those behaviors, to be clear; I'm just impressed that they can.) Some of it is bafflement, that they do put up with it and don't leave, or react negatively enough to prevent the behavior from recurring. Some of it is, you know, specific anger at the partners' lack of support, and some of it is just a deepening of this constant underlying feminist rage that so many of us have been feeling in recent years, because gender roles so often play such a huge part in all of this, and it's infuriating, in 2018, when we should all know better. (There are, on occasion, unsupportive wives, sure, absolutely. But that is not what the bulk of the stories we see here are. Please don't @ me with stories of unsupportive wives. All of this post applies to them, too, besides the part right before the parentheses.)

We just see so much bad behavior. "This is extra hard because I have to cook for my partner and kids." Have to? "My partner keeps bringing my specific trigger food into the house after I've asked him not to. There are any number of snacks he'd enjoy as much, foods that wouldn't be problems for me, but he brings that." "My partner told me not to have the surgery, even though all of my doctors support it, even though I have educated him about the benefits and about how minimal the risks are, and even though insurance covers most of it."

It makes me furious. And there isn't a thing I, or anyone else on these forums, can do about it. Encouraging people to leave their partners when they aren't ready to do so is rarely helpful. (And I do recognize we're only getting part of the story. Maybe not every single one of these people we hear about deserves a breakup/divorce, though a few of them... whew.) The kind of bad behavior we see some partners exhibiting is probably not a good indicator that they'd be up for couples' counseling, so there's not a ton of value in suggesting that. I guess we can encourage the person coming to us on the forums to seek their own therapy; that's how a lot of folks learn to set good boundaries and to see the patterns that are constructive, versus those that are destructive.

But it's infuriating, right? Like, we can tell people how to change their own behavior, how to work around sabotage, but we know they're going to have this constant battle, for as long as their partner refuses to change--or to allow them to change, which is more the point.

I guess, for my own part, I could do a better job of avoiding those threads. If I can't help (at least not much), then there's not a lot of sense in getting on that emotional rollercoaster in the first place. But now I know how widespread this is, and I'm ... just ... so ... angry!

My husband does not support me at all. It's very frustrating. I am very emotional about that fact that he continues to tell me every day (since a week ago) that I am not going to have the surgery even though it's in 10 days and I've already paid money for my surgery date slot. Every day my response to him is that I am going to do it. One thing I know is that I am ready for it even though it's risky, but I'm more sad that I don't have support. I'm not scared because the numerous success stories I've read so far keeps me excited for my future weight loss. But then I get sad again because I'm going to have the surgery alone. I'm sure I'll find surgery buddies to talk to and bond with.

Well @llhill you have the support of everyone here for sure. Hopefully your husband comes around. Best to you on your journey!!!!!!

14 hours ago, J San said:

Well @llhill you have the support of everyone here for sure. Hopefully your husband comes around. Best to you on your journey!!!!!!

Thanks. I felt good today. I start my pre-op tomorrow so I went shopping and got all my goodies. It's gonna be a great week!

12 hours ago, llhill said:

Thanks. I felt good today. I start my pre-op tomorrow so I went shopping and got all my goodies. It's gonna be a great week!

I start my pre-op tomorrow. I recently broke up with my bf (like 3 weeks ago recently) of nearly 5 years for, well, many reasons, but one being that he started being an a-s and finally told me it was because he thought I'd leave him after I lost weight. My only other "support" is my mom, who is going to be there for the surgery, but she is completely against me having it. She considers it elective and tells me I am mutilating myself. SO, I am relying on basically just this forum as my real support system. We can do it all by ourselves! It's for us, ultimately, and no one else has any say.

Edited October 15, 20187 yr by mousecat88

@llhill I don’t have a date yet for my surgery but I am willing to be your buddy!! Let’s connect.... you have this! Be encouraged.....the end of your story is not yet written!!

1 hour ago, mousecat88 said:

I start my pre-op tomorrow. I recently broke up with my bf (like 3 weeks ago recently) of nearly 5 years for, well, many reasons, but one being that he started being an a-s and finally told me it was because he thought I'd leave him after I lost weight. My only other "support" is my mom, who is going to be there for the surgery, but she is completely against me having it. She considers it elective and tells me I am mutilating myself. SO, I am relying on basically just this forum as my real support system. We can do it all by ourselves! It's for us, ultimately, and no one else has any say.

Yeah so let me not get started with my husband and mom. My husband actually called my parents and they in turn called my siblings and everyone is blasting me for doing this. The entire family is blasting me. My husband said, "If your whole family is telling you not to do this then you shouldn't be doing this you should listen to your family." I told him he totally betrayed my trust and if I wanted my family to know I would have told them. It's a bad situation right now. My mom had a friend who got the surgery a LONG time ago, I mean ages along with her daughter. They both passed away and my mom associates that with the surgery. First and foremost, my mom doesn't even know what surgery they had but she's telling me that is the reason why I shouldn't do this. It's been really really emotional for me. My sister then called and asked me if I was doing this for my husband. It's all crazy town I tell you as if I can't soley make this decision for myself. I am glad for folks like you. We have to hold each other up and be supportive with each other. It's all I have right now. Also, keep your head up, your boyfriend is losing out.

Edited October 15, 20187 yr by llhill

5 minutes ago, WeightLoss Mama said:

@llhill I don’t have a date yet for my surgery but I am willing to be your buddy!! Let’s connect.... you have this! Be encouraged.....the end of your story is not yet written!!

Thank you WeightLoss Mama. I really appreciate it. Yes let's be buddies.

My thought is this, we are the master of what we eat and do. My wife didn’t have the surgery, I did. If she wants to eat peanut butter m and m’s and cookies and things, that is her choice. It doesn’t mean I have to eat that stuff and I do not.

I feel so much better post surgery and now that I am eating better my energy levels rival the energy I had in my early 20s. That is enough of a reason for me to say “no” to junk food whether it is a five mile drive away at the store or on the table next to me.

Heck, yesterday I baked cookies with my two little girls and I ate an oatmega bar while they munched on cookies we baked. At some point we have to own our actions and understand the world doesn’t change to suit our needs. We have to change.

4 hours ago, MeanSleevedMachine said:

My thought is this, we are the master of what we eat and do. My wife didn’t have the surgery, I did. If she wants to eat Peanut Butter m and m’s and Cookies and things, that is her choice. It doesn’t mean I have to eat that stuff and I do not.

I feel so much better post surgery and now that I am eating better my energy levels rival the energy I had in my early 20s. That is enough of a reason for me to say “no” to junk food whether it is a five mile drive away at the store or on the table next to me.

Heck, yesterday I baked cookies with my two little girls and I ate an oatmega bar while they munched on cookies we baked. At some point we have to own our actions and understand the world doesn’t change to suit our needs. We have to change.

These are the kind of successes I love to hear...both mental and physical. It sounds like you are doing well. I like how you said 'we have to change' because it's so true. I can't listen to the noise and distractions. I can't allow any of that to trip me up. I feel good about my decision and I'm keeping my eye on the prize.

I do remember a couple of weeks after I got my band my husband decided to bake muffins. He's lucky he is still alive

18 hours ago, llhill said:

Yeah so let me not get started with my husband and mom. My husband actually called my parents and they in turn called my siblings and everyone is blasting me for doing this. The entire family is blasting me. My husband said, "If your whole family is telling you not to do this then you shouldn't be doing this you should listen to your family." I told him he totally betrayed my trust and if I wanted my family to know I would have told them. It's a bad situation right now. My mom had a friend who got the surgery a LONG time ago, I mean ages along with her daughter. They both passed away and my mom associates that with the surgery. First and foremost, my mom doesn't even know what surgery they had but she's telling me that is the reason why I shouldn't do this. It's been really really emotional for me. My sister then called and asked me if I was doing this for my husband. It's all crazy town I tell you as if I can't soley make this decision for myself. I am glad for folks like you. We have to hold each other up and be supportive with each other. It's all I have right now. Also, keep your head up, your boyfriend is losing out.

WOW! Yeah, talk about a betrayal of trust. Ouch! You are one Strong amazing person for sticking up for your self with that sh*t storm raining down on you. I'm sorry you're having to withstand it!

Keep your chin up, you have a bunch of us 'bariatric Pal's' on here, rooting for you. You have the science on your side, and an awesome journey ahead of you.

You should ask your surgical team if they have something in place to help with your situation. Maybe they can offer your family some information, at the least some pamphlets. Best case scenario your surgeon or one of his team will talk with them as a group. Explain the surgery, how it has evolved and answer questions/concerns they may have. Sucks he went and did this but It really sounds like he is concerned and not just being an ass.

I am one of those that does keep trigger foods in my home, but I have a husband and 2 kids that are 6 and 8. I've had so many people tell me to make my kids eat what I eat and my husband. I'm sorry, this is my weight loss journey, not theirs. I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic, it's the same as going into someone's home and telling them they can't have alcohol. My husband doesn't drink but if he did, doesn't mean I have to because it's in my house. I don't avoid grocery stores or convenient stores because they sell alcohol and high calorie foods. I just don't get those thigns for myself. When I'm eating things that aren't healthy for me, my kids don't even like that anyway. My hubby supports me, but he also doesn't get it when I'm angry because I want that bowl of ice cream he is eating. It's not because it's in my house, it's because I'm mad at myself for getting myself in a position where food ruled me.

I posted this in the "Quotes and Inspiration" thread but think it applies here somewhat.

7 hours ago, Leia said:

WOW! Yeah, talk about a betrayal of trust. Ouch! You are one Strong amazing person for sticking up for your self with that sh*t storm raining down on you. I'm sorry you're having to withstand it!

Keep your chin up, you have a bunch of us 'bariatric Pal's' on here, rooting for you. You have the science on your side, and an awesome journey ahead of you.

Thank you Leia!