May 24th - one more week
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Since my surgeon moved my date up to the 24th of May, it's gotten real. I was on a protein shake diet the last week to prepare, not being told by the nut I had to do a clear liquid diet. My preop appt was yesterday and I was informed that not only do I need to start a preop liquid diet, but that my favorite protein drink (premier protein) is on the list of protein to stay away from. It's due to the calorie to protein ratio. I did get a lot of wonderful information though and even though I really don't want to take an extra trip an hour and a half down to the valley for hospital preregistration and testing, they did call me to get that scheduled for the 23rd.
I packed For the hospital stay this morning and got my pre and post op prescriptions filled. I will be in the hospital for 3 days (surgery day plus 2 post op days), but Only packed a small travel bag (or large purse) for my stay.
I scheduled a shuttle service to take me down to the hospital and my husband has prepared for picking me up and childcare while I'm gone. Yesterday when coming home from my preop appointment, I did exactly what I swore was unnecessary and had a McDonald's food funeral. It was pointless and only worth it mentally. Maybe some people feel they'll never be able to have that food again. For me, it was just a goodbye to my old way of eating. One last hooray for food after months of a very strict diet.
Whats bothering me the most is that I've told no one except my husband about this. My kids know I'm going to surgery but they don't know why and I've had so many health issues that they're so used to it, they don't even ask anymore. I'm normally sharing my life with the world because I've never felt like I've had anything to hide. I must admit my sheer embarrassment at taking this route to help me lose weight. I know my extended family and friends would not approve or support me. In fact they would actively try to stop me or emotionally abuse me. So I'm content with keeping this secret except for the fact that it's now a secret that I have to keep for the rest of my life. I'm scared to death that it will come out in someway or another. And I'm ashamed I could not do this on my own.
Ive tried to find an in person support group local to me, but have had no response to the one I found and called on. I guess I just want to know that I'm not the only one who thinks about food more than anything and some part of me wants to see that there are others who are struggling worse than me along with those better. It would let me see where I could could end up with any decision.
Sorry for the long post - if you've made it this far haha. I guess I'm just venting everything on my mind.