Hi all,

I just had an evening in with a close friend who knows I had the surgery 9 weeks ago. Towards the end of the evening she asked how I was doing and I said things were going really well, I'd been feeling a lot better physically and mentally. She seemed awkward and when I asked her what was on her mind, she said "I just feel really sorry for you. You won't ever be able to eat normally again like any of us. I also can't believe you chose the surgery that was permanent and not something that could be reversed in the future once you've got to where you want to be"

I responded that this was exactly the reason I wanted it to be permanent, I want to create a new norm for myself that I can't reverse. Yes in time I'm sure I could find ways around the sleeve if that was something I choose to do, but what's the point of that.

It was my choice to have the surgery. It was my choice to confide in my closest friends. It is my choice to use the sleeve as a tool. But I don't feel the need to be pitied; I think it's sad that for a large part of my life that problems were dealt with by using food, but enough is enough now. I needed something big to combat a big problem.

I am aware that potential reactions from loved ones can put us off sharing this journey, it's our bodies, our choice. I suppose I just had a negative reaction to the suggestion that somehow, my choice, was wrong. I should have done something else.

There's no real answer to this, I understand my friend is entitled to share what she thinks, I enabled that by sharing what I had decided to do. I hope in time that she will see what I see, in that this was probably the best thing I could have done. I don't need anyone to affirm this for me, I'm pretty confident on my own just through how my outlook has changed and how I'm viewing food as something different.

Despite this, I suppose I'm also conscious there's still a part of me that wants those important to me, to see it too. I also wonder whether her comments have tapped into a small nagging voice in my head that's thinking "what if she's right?" Because if that's the case, there's really nothing I can do about it now!

I never feel like I'm missing out, people that have not had the surgery don't seem to get that when are full and can't eat anymore, you actually don't want anymore! It's not like you are sitting there wishing you could eat it, we are satisfied. ( never happened to me pre op)

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People just don't understand. I kept my surgery private amongst only my immediate family and everyone supported me. The beginning is hard, I'm almost 2 years out and I eat just as normal as anyone else, with the exception I am actually paying attention to what I put in. You won't really ever be able to eat the full amount you ate before, but is that really a bad thing? You will grow to appreciate food in a different way and understand what you need to give it to take care of it.

My parents just think I'm going to die from the surgery so you see how helpful they are lol

I always feel like obesity is similar to food allergies, clinical depression, and just a host of other things most people haven't personally experienced. Some people just don't get why you can't just "cheer up". You know - haven't you ever tried not being depressed? Taking a brisk walk always gets them out of a funk, so it should work for you, right? Wouldn't, you know, not sitting on the couch eating donuts just fix your weight?

Amen. I have auto-immune arthritis (rheumatoid/psoriatic). If I had a dime for every time someone has told me that I'd be fine if I'd ... take/eat tumeric, stop eating nightshades, go gluten-free, go paleo, just exercise through it (which incidentally flares me up so I can barely move for 4 days), and so on and so forth - I'd be a lot better off financially than I am. Because they hear "arthritis" and think it's like their grandmother's arthritis and I just need to move my joints and use BenGay. They don't get that this is a whole-body disease with inflammation and joint damage, and is a LOT more than just some aches and pains.

I will also point out that the "normal" amounts of food people eat are ridiculously huge. American society has a VERY warped view of what a "normal" serving of anything is. I look at the amounts of food people eat now, and think "where the heck does it all GO?" (Of course, I know how stretchy a normal stomach is, but still, it's a LOT OF FOOD.) While my servings may be smaller than true normal, they're not THAT far off.

I do occasionally miss being able to pig out at my favorite Mexican or Italian food restaurant. But that regret is incredibly brief, because I am learning to eat slowly and REALLY enjoy the food. So I can't eat ALL of the things I love every time I go, but I can have ONE, and I can come back and have another thing another time. It certainly wouldn't be worth the 70# back on my aching joints, and my inflammatory factors out of control, and having to sleep with a CPAP, and all the other medical problems that are slowly resolving as I lose weight and start moving more.

Your friend is putting the things in her life in a different priority than you are the things in your life, and she doesn't understand why you don't value food the same way she does. If she's overweight, then there's a decent chance she has an unhealthy relationship with food. I've been working with a therapist for almost a year now on emotional eating and learning a new relationship with food, and it really does change your priorities. Food is fuel for me now. Often it's really enjoyable fuel, no one says you have to quit really liking food. But I much prefer what I have now - getting my emotional needs met by the people in my life, instead of from the ice cream and pastries.

Your friend may "get it" someday, or she may forever think you've made a bad decision. Live the best life you can, and the rest sorts itself out. She'll learn to deal with it, or she'll fade out of your life. Either way, you'll be fine.

Thank you for the insight and also for sharing your own experiences.

It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this, and that sometimes there's both internal and external battles we have to face through this journey.

I still feel frustrated about this conversation, but it also relates generally to her own issues with food (she used to restrict her eating and now feels anxious and sick when having to eat, so cannot understand why I would choose to have a surgery that "would make me feel sick after eating small amounts" despite repeated statements that this isn't how it works).

I have resigned myself to remembering that I have nothing to prove to her. She certainly won't be the first person I go to if I am struggling with anything relating to this.

It is difficult for others to understand this, and unless they've been in our position (I know even all our experiences differ to some level anyway!).

I'm also pleased that so many of you are overcoming these obstacles and standing strong, it's admirable. I'm slowly developing thicker skin (lol) but I'm sure there's still a way yet to go. If I could turn back time I probably wouldn't have shared, but that's done now.

Thank you again, your replies have been invaluable x

I've had criticism as well by friends that say I'm going to look old. That I'm going to loose my hair, and that her and her husband are very over weigh would never get it. That wanting to be skinny would not be enough of a reason to get it.

Unfortunately, most people don't know your medical conditions and the reasons that we choose to do what we do.

So continue to learn and be healthy and screw what everyone else THINKS and concentrate on how great you feel!!! Xoxox

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Thank you for the insight and also for sharing your own experiences.

It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this, and that sometimes there's both internal and external battles we have to face through this journey.

I still feel frustrated about this conversation, but it also relates generally to her own issues with food (she used to restrict her eating and now feels anxious and sick when having to eat, so cannot understand why I would choose to have a surgery that "would make me feel sick after eating small amounts" despite repeated statements that this isn't how it works).

I have resigned myself to remembering that I have nothing to prove to her. She certainly won't be the first person I go to if I am struggling with anything relating to this.

It is difficult for others to understand this, and unless they've been in our position (I know even all our experiences differ to some level anyway!).

I'm also pleased that so many of you are overcoming these obstacles and standing strong, it's admirable. I'm slowly developing thicker skin (lol) but I'm sure there's still a way yet to go. If I could turn back time I probably wouldn't have shared, but that's done now.

Thank you again, your replies have been invaluable x

Don't regret telling her or any of your actions. It's a learning experience.

We all have at least that one person in our life who let us down/disappointed us.

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